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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is friend a cf

999 replies

Penelopeee · 08/10/2018 19:23

Evening.

I regularly help out other school mums. Have become known as the mum to ask for a favour I suppose. Never really given it too much thought, firm believer that if you can help someone else out in life you should.

For the last 18 months I have looked after my friends daughter who is in my daughters class at school. They are year 3 (7 turning 8). I also have a smaller person who is at home with me all day.

So friends DH drops their DD at mine just before 7am. Usually twice, sometimes 3 times a week as they both work shifts. School starts at 8.50am. School finishes at 3.30 and DD is collected by dad by 5.30pm.

Our daughters are classmates and get along, they do however have their fair share of winding each other up and bitching to each other which all of us parents tend to ignore and stay out of.

Friends DD is turning 8 this weekend and friends have booked her and 5 friends into like an activity centre place. The girl took great delight in telling my DD where parents had booked, who was invited and clarifying that my DD wasn’t invited.

We look after this girl so much. I know the old can’t be invited to everything but my DD makes no fuss about this girl being here, shares all her toys, use of her tablets etc we feed her when she’s here. Shares her mummy’s time etc.

DD is upset. She’s upset she wasn’t invited. She upset that ‘friend’ will continue to get to come to her house so much when in her words “we aren’t good friends obviously”.

AIBU to think that my friend should of maybe done the whole we will be in Inviting XXXX as they do a lot for us???

To be honest I feel really fucking used!! So as not to drip feed, they don’t pay me and have never offered. They’ve never looked after mine. Nor have they offered.

OP posts:
Sarahjconnor · 08/10/2018 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notsureaboutthisname · 08/10/2018 19:34

You feed this girl and they don't pay you anything?! And now she's being mean to your DD? Ditch, ditch, ditch. God, the parents win the CFs of the year award.

You sound like a nice, caring generous person. They are taking advantage of you Sad.

RandomMess · 08/10/2018 19:34
Angry
StoneofDestiny · 08/10/2018 19:34

Tell them you can't look after their child any more.They have excluded your dd when all you've done is welcome theirs. Please don't put your dd through having another child at her house every day who has treated her like this

Totally agree, sooner rather than later (then hope the unspoken reason is obvious, though if she is that insensitive it probably won't be!)

SistersOfPercy · 08/10/2018 19:35

Cheekiest of fuckery! Sack that arrangement.

Mixedupmummy · 08/10/2018 19:35

I have 2 friends that I help out occasionally like this as our dds are friends. but only when it suits me or they ask as an odd favour. even though I could, I would never get into a regular arrangement because of the reasons you mentioned. never mind not being invited to a party. completely ridiculous! end this arrangement asap for your sanity. you'll just be angry with them until you do. well I would be.

fifithefoof · 08/10/2018 19:35

Good grief. Grow a pair op! I'd be fuming!

BlessYourCottonSocks · 08/10/2018 19:35

I would phone/text to say 'unfortunately I shall not be able to have X before or after school any longer as it is no longer working for us'.

And leave it at that. If they really want to pursue the matter I would happily tell them bluntly how pissed off I felt at providing 3-4 hours free child care for someone and how upset my DD was at her 'friend' telling her gleefully that she wasn't invited to her party.

Original poster
Penelopeee · 08/10/2018 19:37

Thank you all.

I hate letting people down and genuinely never saw it as an issue previously. Friends should help each other out if I’m a position to do so.

But the fact DD is upset has really upset me.

Nah they’ve never offered a penny (and I wouldn’t take to be fair as I think it’s illegal if I’m not registered??) but no never been offered anything for food etc.

This bit I’m about to type next I’m actually kicking myself..... when they were booking the activity centre they struggled with the website and asked me to take a look and help them book it. I hunted round online and found them a discount code too. Then booked it for them (obviously using their details/payment). I stupidly assumed DD would be invited!! Today she has come home upset as she’s been told she not...

OP posts:
Needsmorebeans · 08/10/2018 19:37

The first time someone shows you who they are believe them. CF and her DH have shown you exactly who they are. They are users and have such a lack of consideration and gratitude for you and your dd that they have not even realised how unacceptable their behaviour is. I would stop this one way arrangement and drop them. They will not change.

Roussette · 08/10/2018 19:37

I would wait till after the party ONLY because if you stop before, she will suddenly remember she hasn't invited your DD and was meaning to anyway/the invite got lost in the post or whatever.

As soon as the party has finished stop the arrangement, in fact send a text the day after the party.

MynameisJune · 08/10/2018 19:37

This isn’t helping out, it’s regular free childcare. They are CF and ungrateful twats to boot.

Cancel the arrangement and save yourself and your DD a lot of heartache and stress over something that has no benefit to you.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 08/10/2018 19:39

I'd stop it, I'd say you don't feel like the girls are getting on as well as they used to and with your other child plus possible after school activities it's all getting a bit much. When you said they worked shifts then I thought maybe they were both out overnight or something but this is standard wraparound care / childminder pick up and drop off hours that everyone else pays for. If your daughters were friends and you were appreciated and wanted to do it fair enough but you don't - they get so much out of this and you don't get anything at all, in fact you are worse off and it sounds like it's making your daughter unhappy.

Be prepared to fall out with the parents - CFs have a tendency to make it all about them and will probably wail about not being able to find other arrangements. Not your problem.

I wouldn't necessarily make it all about the party though - even if they invited her to the next one say they were having a Halloween party or something, the issues would still all be there. Also it gives them something to apologise for and sort out.

nealthedonkey · 08/10/2018 19:39

That's so unkind

LondonElle · 08/10/2018 19:39

It sounds like your “friend” is using you... all that free childcare and not even a party invite back shows what they think of you/ your daughter.... I had this I looked aftermy “friends” children every morning for a year and took them to school to help her out ( struggling single mum) but then I noticed how she would publically thank other people on Facebook for having her kids and not me also I asked her once to provide me with a load of bread as I was feeding her children most mornings (they were
Never given breakfast) and she refused despite her getting a expensive tattoo the next day and the final straw was her having 2/3 of the class to her sons party.. asking me to give out the invites at school but not inviting my son ( same class) I stopped helping her after that!

ApproachingATunnel · 08/10/2018 19:39

This is awful.
I would be scaling back massively on free childcare for this friend and tbh stopping it completely. Doesn’t work for you, not convenient anymore, etc. Awful ppl.

Wheresthel1ght · 08/10/2018 19:39

I would make absolutely sure that dd is not invited.

You say the girls do a lot of tit for tat so this could be one of those times.

Speak to the mum, but if you find it is true then absolutely stop this arrangement

MrsJane · 08/10/2018 19:40

The childcare arrangement has to stop. It's beyond cheeky fuckery! How the parents have the brass neck to not even offer you a bottle of wine or food or anything is bonkers!!

But are you sure your DD is not invited to the party? Could it be this girl is just being spiteful for some reason and lying about your DD not being invited?

KittyMcTitty · 08/10/2018 19:41

Agree with all of the above!

Wow!! Sooo rude!! What a cheeky f**k!

Do not have her another day!! That is so spiteful - not an oversight! What users!!!

You seem very nice so do not apologise in anyway! Just send a message and block them!

Angrybird345 · 08/10/2018 19:42

Wow! CF!! Big time CF! Aside from the party invite, they should at least offer wine or chocs on a regular basis. I’d start refusing the kid.

Mixedupmummy · 08/10/2018 19:43

hmm seen your update. how old are your dds? are you sure the child is telling the truth? my daughter was told by a boy in her class she wasn't invited to his party when she was. he's got quite a wild imagination and tells lots of stories. young children can't be relied upon.
either way though I'd end the arrangement but depending on situation with party would affect how you should do it.

TheFaerieQueene · 08/10/2018 19:44

Well the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.

MynameisJune · 08/10/2018 19:44

The children are 7 going on 8 according to the OP. Old enough to know who they’ve invited seeing as it’s only 5 friends. If she is lying then she is being quite spiteful.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 08/10/2018 19:44

Send the text to say it doesn't suit you to continue the arrangement at the moment that the party starts. You know, for extra impact. Wink

CannaeCopeCaptain · 08/10/2018 19:44

WAIT until you have confirmation DD is not invited. The little girl might just be saying that when mum has every intention of inviting her.

Either way I wouldn't be doing all that childcare for her.

If DD isn't invited I would let her know straight away and why!!