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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is friend a cf

999 replies

Penelopeee · 08/10/2018 19:23

Evening.

I regularly help out other school mums. Have become known as the mum to ask for a favour I suppose. Never really given it too much thought, firm believer that if you can help someone else out in life you should.

For the last 18 months I have looked after my friends daughter who is in my daughters class at school. They are year 3 (7 turning 8). I also have a smaller person who is at home with me all day.

So friends DH drops their DD at mine just before 7am. Usually twice, sometimes 3 times a week as they both work shifts. School starts at 8.50am. School finishes at 3.30 and DD is collected by dad by 5.30pm.

Our daughters are classmates and get along, they do however have their fair share of winding each other up and bitching to each other which all of us parents tend to ignore and stay out of.

Friends DD is turning 8 this weekend and friends have booked her and 5 friends into like an activity centre place. The girl took great delight in telling my DD where parents had booked, who was invited and clarifying that my DD wasn’t invited.

We look after this girl so much. I know the old can’t be invited to everything but my DD makes no fuss about this girl being here, shares all her toys, use of her tablets etc we feed her when she’s here. Shares her mummy’s time etc.

DD is upset. She’s upset she wasn’t invited. She upset that ‘friend’ will continue to get to come to her house so much when in her words “we aren’t good friends obviously”.

AIBU to think that my friend should of maybe done the whole we will be in Inviting XXXX as they do a lot for us???

To be honest I feel really fucking used!! So as not to drip feed, they don’t pay me and have never offered. They’ve never looked after mine. Nor have they offered.

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 08/10/2018 20:14

I can’t believe what CFs they are Shock both the parents and the child sound horrible - fuck them!

Hidillyho · 08/10/2018 20:14

Firstly, this is not helping someone out. This is being the unpaid childminder. Helping out is ‘Hi Pen, really could use a favour. We have stupidly booked ourself in with work commitments on x day. Wondering if you could drop DD to school and pick her up and look after her for a few hours’ as a 1 off.
Secondly, you can’t go bitch next week, you have to text now! I need to know the outcome Grin

Lethaldrizzle · 08/10/2018 20:15

I'm amazed how much child care you were doing for her in the first place

dinosaurkisses · 08/10/2018 20:15

It actually shows how little they think of OP and a lack of appreciate for what she’s done for them.

It’s not even about the lack of invite- they could have addressed the issue and explained why OP’s dd wasn’t asked. But instead they chose just to ignore the fact that primary-aged girls aren’t exactly known for being sensitive and discrete, but think it’s an acceptable way of treating someone who has so far been incrediably generous with her time.

EK36 · 08/10/2018 20:16

I'd wait until after the party. If your daughter definitely hasn't been invited then send a message afterwards. You could say, "I'm sorry but I'm not able to help out on any more school runs." You have nothing to worry about. Stick to your guns and support your daughter, she matters more than your friends daughter. You're friend will automatically have a plan B.

UnicornSparkles1 · 08/10/2018 20:16

This is outrageous!

Big giant CF with extra CF sprinkles on top. Do not have this child to your house again. Do not do any more favours for this cheeky family.

Your poor daughter.

Zoflorabore · 08/10/2018 20:16

Words fail me. That's a first.

Cheeky mare.

eddielizzard · 08/10/2018 20:17

That's beyond CF. That's a whole new level, even without the birthday invitation.

Sit back and watch who she targets next. Awful behaviour.

PuppyMonkey · 08/10/2018 20:17

I’d be so tempted to play it all innocent and tell the parents how much your DD and your younger child of course Grin are looking forward to going to the party, you’ve all chosen a fantastic gift etc - really wind them up.

Once you can see them squirming their way out of it, tell them you’re joking and of course you know they’re not inviting DD. And you’ve already realised the girls haven’t been getting along so well, which is why you’re cancelling the childcare too.

End it with a breezy “glad we’re all in agreement.” Grin

LethalWhite · 08/10/2018 20:17

I'd send the text now and let them know exactly why.

Home should be a sanctuary. Your poor DD, having someone from scholl who is horrible to her invading her home for most of the waking day 3 times/week. It's not on.

MynameisJune · 08/10/2018 20:18

Do not give her bloody notice!! This isn’t a formal arrangement and her childcare issues aren’t your problem. She thinks very little of you/your daughter.

QueenofmyPrinces · 08/10/2018 20:18

I usually love a good CF thread when it comes to childcare but this one is on a whole other level!

I honestly can’t belueve the audacity of them!! The set-up is horrendous enough even without the party aspect, but what they’ve done is show exactly how little they think of you.

I’m genuinely shocked by it all.

You sound like a lovely woman and those parents are clearly banking on the fact that you’re too nice to say anything to them and so are quite happy to use you for free childcare.

Their attitude and behaviour is disgusting.

I would be ending this arrangement now.

ThePinkOcelot · 08/10/2018 20:19

I’d be telling them to fuck of tbh. You’re good enough to look after their dd for free! Feed her!! Etc etc!!
I’d be putting a stop to all that with immediate effect!
Furious for you actually!

CottonSock · 08/10/2018 20:19

Unbelievable. 7am. I would not dare ask a friend to do that even once

Athena51 · 08/10/2018 20:20

She's definitely a CF but she certainly isn't a friend. She is massively taking the piss and you need to put your foot down, protect your DD and yourself and stop this right now.

Talk about no good deed going unpunished...

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 08/10/2018 20:20

Oooooooo, how malicious are you feeling OP?

If you aren't feeling too malicious I'd suggest letting the mum know you're not looking after her dd on the day of the party. Gives her more time to find other childcare.

If you're feeling more malicious then leave it another day so she has one less day to organise child care.

If you are really peed off about it, or your daughter gets upset on the party day as it hits home how awfully she has been treated, or you have PMS and get the rage, insert other reason to make you madder, then I'd wait until the mum asks you to have the dd and drop the bombshell then, whether it's the night before you are needed or the morning of the childcare. (If you have already been asked about next week then you know which day will cause most problems.)

If you are as kindhearted as you seem to be then you'll do it earlier rather than later. not like me, I'd do it half an hour before the dd is due to be dropped off.

Thatssomebadhatharry · 08/10/2018 20:21

Ooo I love puppy monkeys idea.

ilikefastcars · 08/10/2018 20:21

Definitely a cf! Time to stop being a doormat! 😡

BiscuitsAndGravy · 08/10/2018 20:22

Don't wait until after the party. Cancel the arrangement immediately! Seriously, fuck them.

TatterdemalionAspie · 08/10/2018 20:22

Some odd advice here.

Don't mention the party - there's no need and it's not hugely relevant - it's just the final straw that broke the camel's back and made you realise that she is a cf who has been taking advantage of you for ages. The party is just the final instance of her cheeky fuckery; the real issue is that you have been looking after her DD from 7am every morning, feeding her and ferrying her about, with no recompense whatsoever. Nothing, nada... not payment, not reinbursing/replacing food, not gifts, nothing. That is what she thinks of you: nothing.

Don't wait until after the party, don't mention the party. She'll only try to spin it and tell people 'oh Penelopee got the hump because her DD wasn't invited to kid's party'. Just text her and say 'I won't be able to have -kid's name- any more after Wednesday/Thursday/Friday. Sorry - the arrangement doesn't work for me any more.' That's it; don't elaborate, don't explain, don't speak to this woman again. She's not your friend, and never was. She's a user. Learn from this experience and model good boundaries for your DD.

MulticolourMophead · 08/10/2018 20:23

OP, I wouldn't text during the party. This would give them the opportunity, as another poster said, to turn it round on you, claiming your DD was of course invited and they assumed you were late.

As @mamansnet wrote, give them some time after the party before texting. If they don't ask why you weren't there, it's confirmation your DD was not invited. They don't have a chance of claiming the moral high ground then, or claiming you've got it wrong.

I'd still do whatever days are left this week. It doesn't give them any reason to suspect that their cf days are numbered.

anniehm · 08/10/2018 20:23

Send a text/email and tell them exactly what you think, this is absolutely wrong - of course kids get to invite who they want but parents must intervene in situations like this, if the daughter didn't put your dd on the invite list (which I presume is what happened.) The childcare situation needs to stop regardless, parents helping each other out is brilliant but it must be a two way street, if they need your help during the week, they should be offering to babysit for you on a weekend for instance, they also should have offered money and if refused sent periodic gifts - eg supermarket gift card as you feed their daughter.

FlirtyRomanticToast · 08/10/2018 20:23

I'd be sooooo tempted to be pettiness personified and just not be in next time they're due to drop their DD off. Even if it means leaving the house a half hour too early and having breakfast in a café. Let them knock on the door and panic when no-one answers. After all, you're doing them a (huge) favour and I'm willing to bet they don't really even ask anymore, it's just assumed you'll do it.

Maybe that's too far for you, you say you don't like to let people down. But you should definitely end this one sided arrangement asap. Getting you to help book the place was the 'making a mug of you' icing on the 'childcare pisstake' cake.

peanutbutterandbanana · 08/10/2018 20:24

I am aghast reading this. Please cancel immediately. No explanation, just tell them you can no longer help them with immediate effect. If they ask why just say 'I had no idea your DD didn't consider my DD a friend and I need to prioritise my DD's welfare'. Please do not do any more days this week - give them something to organise other than the party! How bloody dare they!

KC225 · 08/10/2018 20:26

Please send a text this evening saying you are unwell and unable to look after their DD for the next couple of days. One of them can juggle work, take annual leave or unpaid leave. They have saved enough money on childcare.

Your DD is being humiliated, I feel so sorry for her. No way would you force an adult spend hours in their home with someone who had humiliated them and took delight in being so nasty. Don't do that to your daughter. Bin the CF's off and do something brilliant with your DD on Saturday.