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AIBU?

To tell DP to back off?

198 replies

Benjaminbuttonschild · 08/10/2018 09:48

Hi all,

Sorry I'm a bit ranty. Me and dp had a row this morning as he keeps pressuring me for sex and sulking about it.

My sex drive has died down recently. I still enjoy it but I am honestly so tired generally I just can't be bothered.

We have sex maybe a couple of times a month although he is insistent that we should do it more. In turn I feel pressured like I'm gonna get his sulky mood if I say I don't want to. Last night we went to bed, we're both shattered and he's mithering me for sex. He said he wants intimacy, but we are intimate day to day, holding hands, affectionate etc. So I said intimacy isn't just about sex and he tells me "I wish you found me sexy and wanted to have sex with me!". He hasn't even asked me what I'm thinking or feeling!! Everything boils down to sex to him and I'm getting seriously fucked off having the same conversation again and again.

Aibu to tell him to back off and leave me be?

I'm fed up.

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ElfridaEtAl · 08/10/2018 10:01

YANBU.
Sexual coercion is NOT consent. Try telling him that and see how it makes him feel. Trying to pressure you into having sex is an awful thing to do. My ex-boyfriend did this so much during the last year or so of our relationship and I had no idea that he was actually in the wrong.
At best he's getting on your last nerve, at worst it's abusive.

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Benjaminbuttonschild · 08/10/2018 10:08

I've told him pretty much that every time this has come up. He is not good at understanding.

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Lweji · 08/10/2018 10:11

He lost his sexiness when he started pestering you for sex

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Benjaminbuttonschild · 08/10/2018 10:15

I told him pretty the same thing this morning when we rowed. I said it was deeply unattractive and the way he is going on I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot barge pole. It's honestly so cringey and disgusting.

I wouldn't mind but had sex a week ago The I cane on my period (tmi), I've only just come off!!! Anyone would think it's been months or years since we last did it!!

We have two kids, both work and have pets. I am absolutely exhausted by the time I go to bed. He is too but he's 'never too tired for sex'. Funny that!

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Benjaminbuttonschild · 08/10/2018 10:15

Sorry for typos

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Lweji · 08/10/2018 10:18

What are you prepared to do about it, though? What are your boundaries?

I'd look at my exit options because with OH's like that the outlook is not promising.

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Benjaminbuttonschild · 08/10/2018 10:20

That's just it. I don't want to split up, I just don't want to be pestered all the time. I have never relented when he has sulked for sex, I wouldn't go down that road just to appease him. And he knows this.

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mummmy2017 · 08/10/2018 10:23

Tell him you have so much to do day to day, if he helped then weekend's could be more a out you as a couple, date nights etc.

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Shoxfordian · 08/10/2018 10:24

If you don't want to split up then you're basically going to accept that he's always going to pester you for sex because he basically thinks it's fine.

This is the fifth similar thread I've seen on here in the last week. So depressing.

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ElfridaEtAl · 08/10/2018 10:26

If you've told him and he just keeps carrying on, it's not going to stop is it?

I agree with Lweji about looking at your exit options, it's harsh but do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to understand that what he's doing is abuse?
It's not difficult to grasp OP, he just doesn't give a shit.

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Bluntness100 · 08/10/2018 10:29

I'm going to differ from thr other replies, at the moment neither of you are commicating. He's feeling sexually rejected. He is telling you this in as many words. You're not listening to him or trying to understand him, and he's not listening to your reasons why not.

You need to communicate better.

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ElfridaEtAl · 08/10/2018 10:31

BluntnessYes the could talk it out if that's what they wanted, but no should mean fucking no and he should be leaving it at that.

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SillySallySingsSongs · 08/10/2018 10:36

On a side note, I missed their dance and only saw the end with him tumbling so I've just watched it on YouTube - WOW! Katy's is a fantastic dancer and choreographer, the slow mo bits were fab!

Made worse by the fact her husband apparently helps with the choreography.

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SillySallySingsSongs · 08/10/2018 10:37

Ops wrong thread sorry Shock

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Gersemi · 08/10/2018 10:41

Is it worth trying for a constructive conversation about what would make you less tired? For instance, if he's still up for sex it sounds as if he is less tired than you so could help more during the day. Or perhaps you could talk about getting a cleaner and or a dog walker if one or more of the pets is a dog?

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ReanimatedSGB · 08/10/2018 10:48

Is he doing his share of domestic work? I expect the answer is no, because selfish men like this think of both housework and sex as something that women 'owe' men. I'm another one who suggests making plans to get rid of him.

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Benjaminbuttonschild · 08/10/2018 10:50

Alas my pets are dogs. Dp does his fair share at home so that's not the issue. I have been feeling exhausted for months and I can't shake it no matter how early I go to bed. Some weekends inn in bed for 10pm and it makes no difference I still feel exhausted when I get up. Dp complains I'm always tired.

Yes Bluntness - he has said he is sexually frustrated, he communicates that very clearly. But if I'm not on the mood I can't pretend to be. He has hands but 'it's not the same'. I can't be held accountable for that though and I refuse to be.

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Benjaminbuttonschild · 08/10/2018 10:53

Argh meant to put not dogs. That's how tired I feel Smile

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teaandtoast · 08/10/2018 10:53

Could you be anaemic?

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CandleWithHair · 08/10/2018 10:53

Sounds like neither of you are doing a very good job of listening to the other. I agree with Bluntness.

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Benjaminbuttonschild · 08/10/2018 10:59

@CandleWithHair no I have listened to him. I can't say he's returned the courtesy and he doesn't understand or even try to understand how I feel. I have listened to him. But that doesn't mean I have to have sex if I don't want to. Listening to his woe is me tales does not automatically mean I have to jump him to make that right.
Hmm

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Benjaminbuttonschild · 08/10/2018 11:02

@teaandtoast I don't know, I've not really thought about it. I've never in my life felt so tired as I have done these past few months. It's getting me down, I get dizzy spells sometimes.

I'd love to sack off all my responsibilities and sleep for days but that's not going to happen. Been getting migraines since last week during work.

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Akanamali · 08/10/2018 11:07

It sounds like you need to book an appointment with your GP.

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Singlenotsingle · 08/10/2018 11:08

It's a common problem. Nature seems to have given men a very urgent sex drive but not women. And funny thing is, now there are things like Viagra to extend men's capability but no one asked women if they want their men to carry on into their 70s and 80s. Shock Sorry OP, off point I know.

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Nanny0gg · 08/10/2018 11:14

Extreme tiredness with no obvious outside reason is not right.
Nor are dizzy spells.

Get to your GP for tests. Any other symptoms?

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