To tell DP to back off?

[Benjaminbuttonschild]

Hi all,

Sorry I'm a bit ranty. Me and dp had a row this morning as he keeps pressuring me for sex and sulking about it.

My sex drive has died down recently. I still enjoy it but I am honestly so tired generally I just can't be bothered.

We have sex maybe a couple of times a month although he is insistent that we should do it more. In turn I feel pressured like I'm gonna get his sulky mood if I say I don't want to. Last night we went to bed, we're both shattered and he's mithering me for sex. He said he wants intimacy, but we are intimate day to day, holding hands, affectionate etc. So I said intimacy isn't just about sex and he tells me "I wish you found me sexy and wanted to have sex with me!". He hasn't even asked me what I'm thinking or feeling!! Everything boils down to sex to him and I'm getting seriously fucked off having the same conversation again and again.

Aibu to tell him to back off and leave me be?

I'm fed up.

[Unicornandbows]

If he is sulking that's a perfectly normal emotional response. It's the same as you not wanting sex. You can't expect someone to act like everything is fine if they are not feeling fine iykwim.

For some sex less marriages can be a deal breaker, so I suggest therapy before it becomes a bigger issue.

Resentment from the both of your sides could lead to a lot of misunderstanding.

[Firesuit]

I don't really think this is a solvable problem. Mismatched sex drives is a zero-sum game. To the extent one person gains the other loses.

I also disagree that in general there is something medically wrong with someone who doesn't want sex. Appetite seems naturally variable to me.

Him doing what she wants, continuing the relationship as it is minus the sex, is only a solution for her. You can only view that as a solution if you think his happiness is irrelevant.

If he's not happy with the amount of sex then he needs to choose whichever makes him less miserable, going without or splitting up.

[Benjaminbuttonschild]

His sense of entitlement puts me off. Like I stated earlier, if he even bothered to ask me what the problem was in the first place and not just put it down to the fact that 'he wishes I found him sexy' as the reason it would put me in a better place.

He makes assumptions about what I think of him, on my behalf, despite knowing the fact I have no energy. He doesn't seem to correlate the information together. He just sees this as a single-sided issue - that I've gone off him! It's not that. But his mentality is starting to have an effect on me that I am starting to go off him.

[Benjaminbuttonschild]

Anyway, I have made an appointment just now. The downside is I can only fit the appointment in on 24th October and that's not to have my bloods done, its for the nurse practitioner at my GP to assess me :(

Thanks for the replies and thank you to those who highlighted I may have an underlying issue. At least I will find out one way or the other if my body is contributing to current issues.

[sunshinewithabitofdrizzle]

I hope you got a doctors appointment. Get some blood tests done and get them to test for Vitamin D deficiency (apparently most people in the UK are deficient) and also B12 and iron levels as allcan affect your energy levels. And obviously get blood pressure tested if you get dizzy spells. If you can get all those levels normal (assuming they're not) then you may find you've got more energy and desire for sex. Oh and also, are you on any other medication at the moment? As many medications can affect sex drive.

[Mookatron]

What is sex like when you do have it? I mean, if you were really enjoying sex when you did it do you think you'd make the effort to do it more often? Maybe that's where you need to start. Maybe trying to get you to have sex is deeply unsexy (it is) but what about trying to make you WANT to have sex - which is not the same thing at all?

[Benjaminbuttonschild]

Sunshine, thank you. No I'm not on any meds currently. I just walk round in a zombie-like state, everything just feels like its a means to an end and I can't really say i enjoy my life. I feel burnt out, like past the point of exhaustion (sp?). I peaked being exhausted months ago and I haven't had chance to recover from it, I'm just plodding on and its shit, it really is.

Mookatron - I used to really enjoy sex. I still do when I can get in the mood. But you're spot on. Trying to guilt me in to having sex is never gonna work, I don't know why anyone would find that remotely attractive in the slightest. Its pathetic. Trying to get me to want sex would be a different thing entirely. I still don't know whether I'd have the energy or not, but it's a nicer tactic and not as horrible.

[Mookatron]

It's annoying, isn't it, that as women we're basically educated on the art of getting a man's cock hard as soon as we're adults (before really) but women's sexual arousal - like actually feeling like want to have sex - is pretty much ignored by both men and women. I don't suppose that helps you particularly though, sorry.

[MaryDollNesbitt]

Tell him you'd sooner hump a fucking cactus than him with the way he's carrying on right now. Jesus. How is it a bunch of strangers on the internet are able to recognise you need to go and see your GP, yet your partner hasn't? Has he really got his head so far up his own arse thinking about sex that he hasn't stopped to notice the dramatic decrease in your energy levels these past few months, OP?!

[PlinkPlink]

Nothing is a bigger turn off than begging for sex and sulking when its a 'No'.

Ugh, literally makes my vagina close up.

Having a wank should be enough to relieve his tension.
You both need to consider each other's feelings and needs. But also need to understand that it's just not on the cards at the moment. He has to accept that it is the way it is.

[PlinkPlink]

This post might be a SA trigger for some. Don't ever let yourself be co-erced into sex. EVER:

A week after I'd been sexually assaulted (I was away in another country), my ex had booked a weekend at a hotel spa thing, along with his parents as it was their wedding anniversary.

I was still processing it so I hadn't told him the full story. I didnt want to. I didnt want tk acknowledge what had happened to me yet.

He'd coerced me into sex alot in the previous years though and that had become our norm.

When I came home, he picked me up in the car and had made a 'sex playlist. Lots of songs to 'get me in the mood'
I couldn't face telling him what had happened. I couldn't face disappointing him and ruining a weekend away that was supposed to be a celebration. But I knew what he was expecting. He ALWAYS expected it when we went away.

So, I just had to let him do what he wanted to me. I cried... whilst he was having sex with my body. And I cried in the bathroom on my own too.

DO NOT EVER LET YOURSELF BE CO-ERCED It leads down to a very depressing and sad path. You must stand your ground.

I was vulnerable and very unstable. But I just couldn't hack the hours of begging and pleading and making me feel guilty for saying 'no'. Not on top of what I was already feeling. So I let him do it.

It's something that makes me angry to this day. I would never have done that if co-ercion hadn't become our norm.

[QuizzlyBear]

OP, I think your problem could well have a physical element, so I wish you well with your upcoming tests - and I agree from experience that there's nothing as off-putting as being constantly pestered for sex!

My sex drive all but disappeared after having kids, I could quite cheerfully not have bothered with it again, though I enjoyed it when we occasionally had it. My DH, on the other hand, would be very happy with 2-3 times per week (as it was in the early days!).

Over the years and as the kids have grown up a bit we found a compromise and have weekly 'weekend' sex. I know it's trite and predictable married behaviour, but it's a good compromise frequency-wise and it helped because neither of us expected it at other times. I didn't tense up when he cuddled up to me, ready to reject him, and he didn't pester me any more because he'd be getting some at the weekend!

I know it sounds naff and boring and lacks spontaneity - but so does a busy marriage with young children, a home to run, a job and pets!

[DameFanny]

Hi OP, just chiming in to suggest you ask for thyroid check, especially if you've been constipated at all. Low mood, low energy, unrefreshing sleep etc could all be symptoms.

I hope you get yourself sorted, and I hope you get your OH to think about you for a change

[Benjaminbuttonschild]

Plink - that's bloody awful! I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I would never let dp co-erce me into anything I didn't feel right about doing. It is him that needs to alter his behaviour about the situation. Yes, its not nice to feel rejected but he hasn't even tried to get to the bottom of how I feel nor understand me. He doesn't 'do' conversation (depressingly) and when you tell him something he doesn't store the info accordingly or fit the pieces together to build the bigger picture. Plus his memory is shockingly bad as he is quick to point out all the time so he doesn't store things in a way most people do. He'll see my lack of energy as something that can be fixed by going to bed early every night... but then when I am in bed he pesters me and even wakes me up.

[Feefeetrixabelle]

I would consider asking him to leave the home the next time he pesters you. Not as a permanent move but to reinforce the message that if he continues to nag you then it will end your relationship. He needs to see his behaviour for what it is.

I was having weird tiredness and dizziness and was recommended zinc with iron tablets which made a big difference- worth a try while you wait for your appointment.

[Benjaminbuttonschild]

I might try a multivitamin in the meantime whilst I wait. I hope they can give me a blood test. 24th October seems like ages off.

[AnneTisocial]

Pink that's the story of a life I used to have. Thankfully I got out of it. But I don't think I'm ever going to have a normal sex drive again

[RachaelGeller]

Is it just tiredness that makes you not want sex? Or are you uninterested even when you’re well rested, first thing in the morning etc?

If he’s someone for whom sex is really important in a relationship then your libido falling off a cliff will be deeply worrying for him. What were things like sexually before this tiredness set in?

I get the sense you don’t actually want sex with your husband at all, anyway, whether or not he’s initiating. If he doesn’t initiate would you? Would you prefer a sexless relationship for the foreseeable future? If so, much kinder to just tell him. Tell him sex is off the table and then deal with whatever consequences come from that honestly. You may not remain together if it’s that important to him. But at least he can stop trying and being rejected and you can stop feeling pestered and pressured and pawed at.

If someone enjoys sex and is still attracted to their spouse it can be agonising to realise that they don’t feel the same way, especially if they aren’t communicating about it. I agree he shouldn’t be making you feel pressured, so use your words. Tell him, do not come onto me until further notice. Then use the breathing space to talk.

[RachaelGeller]

Yes, its not nice to feel rejected but he hasn't even tried to get to the bottom of how I feel nor understand me

So have you actively gone to him and told him exactly how you feel? If he’s not gonna try and wheedle it out of you you need to go and speak to him directly. Communication problems destroy relationships.

I see you say it’s unsexy for him to try guilt you into sex, of course it is. But that you wouldn’t mind if he tried to get you to actually want it. Question is, could he? If he approached it differently would you feel differently, or is that an excuse when you do know that whatever he does you aren’t gonna want to have sex with him? If you told him ‘actually if you tried to seduce me and made it all about me and focused on giving me pleasure for at least an hour before penetration at a time when I’m least tired and the kids are in bed I would probably be into that’ would he listen? Would it be true?

[Benjaminbuttonschild]

Rachael - I honestly can't recall the last time I felt well rested. My kids are still youngish and wake up in the night (youngest had D&V last week). They are morning larks at the weekend too. Sometimes I wake up and I feel drunk/groggy with tiredness, I get loads of dizzy spells etc.

If dp didn't initiate I wouldn't at the moment. Sex is probably one of the most important things in a relationship to him because its healthy. To which I point out only when both parties consent fully!

He says he fancies me all the time. I look like crap most days, I do not feel sexy and even if I looked like a bombshell, I don't think my energy levels would automatically return. I worry my energy is down the pan for life and its so depressing. I'm only early 30s :(

[Benjaminbuttonschild]

Yes, its not nice to feel rejected but he hasn't even tried to get to the bottom of how I feel nor understand me

So have you actively gone to him and told him exactly how you feel? If he’s not gonna try and wheedle it out of you you need to go and speak to him directly. Communication problems destroy relationships

Yes, I've tried. he just tells me to 'go to bed earlier'. Then wakes me up when I do wanting sex.

I see you say it’s unsexy for him to try guilt you into sex, of course it is. But that you wouldn’t mind if he tried to get you to actually want it. Question is, could he? If he approached it differently would you feel differently, or is that an excuse when you do know that whatever he does you aren’t gonna want to have sex with him?

Like I said above, I might not take him up on his offer, but it would sure as hell be a lot nicer tactic to employ than "You, Woman! Me, Man! Me need sex!!". It comes across as all about his primal needs every time and that is absolutely disgusting and off-putting to me.

Hell, if he tried to make me feel more relaxed and less pressured, it might make a difference to how I see him. He is entitled, that's for sure. That's his worst trait and it rears it's ugly head from time to time.

[RachaelGeller]

How would you feel about having sex even if you’re not feeling completely well-rested? Are you perhaps putting too much pressure on sex needing to be amazing because it’s such a rare occasion? How would you feel about a quickie once or twice per week, could you potentially enjoy that?

Please not I’m not saying at any point that you should have sex you absolutely do not want, but people in long term relationships have sex for a variety of reasons. To feel close to their partner, to ease tension, because they know their partner enjoys it and feels it’s an important way of maintaining intimacy, for fun, etc. Some people misinterpret this as meaning people should just shut up and put out, but that’s not the case. Just it’s unrealistic in a long relationship sometimes to always both be equally interested in sex at the same time, feeling tip top and rested and with no other pressing concerns they should be getting on with.

If you absolutely don’t want to, tell him. Just get it out there so he can stop trying. But is there a place do you think for the two of you to have more regular, low pressure sex?

I reckon you should go to bed earlier and try let go of this idea that it means you don’t have a life, better to go to bed earlier and really get as much rest as you can and feel less wretched the rest of the day at work and with the kids than stay up an extra hour or two just to feel like all you do isn’t work. Sometimes I go to bed at 8pm, nothing wrong with that!

I’d give the same advice to a man btw. I think you really need to either tell him sex is now off the menu, or explore doing it more often in a way that works for you, if you want to. The current status quo is unsustainable. Neither of you are feeling close I don’t think.

[busybarbara]

"I wish you found me sexy"

DO you find him sexy? You say you keep intimacy alive which is great, but is this because you like him as a partner and not necessarily because you find him "sexy" per se? If you are not sexually attracted to him anymore/just for right now, I think you need to be honest about this so the conversation can progress otherwise he is just going to nag.

[RachaelGeller]

Then tell him that. Tell him what you need from him!

And tell him he’s being a cunt waking you up. And to never ever do that again. How rude. You’re exhausted, it’s a disgusting thing to wake you up.

[Lweji]

I used to really enjoy sex. I still do when I can get in the mood. But you're spot on. Trying to guilt me in to having sex is never gonna work, I don't know why anyone would find that remotely attractive in the slightest. Its pathetic. Trying to get me to want sex would be a different thing entirely.

My ex used to be like this too, and quite frankly between the pestering and the lack of other types of intimacy, I went off sex with him.

Sometimes I wonder if they really want to have sex, or if it is a control thing. It's almost as if they know you'll be off sex, but then blame you rather than themselves for it.
For example, when I was in fairly early pregnancy, I really, really wanted sex and had the best ever orgasms, but then it was him rejecting my advances.