To tell DP to back off?

[Benjaminbuttonschild]

Hi all,

Sorry I'm a bit ranty. Me and dp had a row this morning as he keeps pressuring me for sex and sulking about it.

My sex drive has died down recently. I still enjoy it but I am honestly so tired generally I just can't be bothered.

We have sex maybe a couple of times a month although he is insistent that we should do it more. In turn I feel pressured like I'm gonna get his sulky mood if I say I don't want to. Last night we went to bed, we're both shattered and he's mithering me for sex. He said he wants intimacy, but we are intimate day to day, holding hands, affectionate etc. So I said intimacy isn't just about sex and he tells me "I wish you found me sexy and wanted to have sex with me!". He hasn't even asked me what I'm thinking or feeling!! Everything boils down to sex to him and I'm getting seriously fucked off having the same conversation again and again.

Aibu to tell him to back off and leave me be?

I'm fed up.

In any case, it's a sign that they don't want sex as intimacy or as part of a loving relationship.
A partner who nags for sex is purely for selfish reasons.

Ha thanks Rachael, I may just show him this thread , hoping he gets the idea that its twattish to wake someone up just to get your kicks.

I am going to talk to him tonight, we've agreed to talk about it. I don't expect miracles from him, he may understand my pov, he may not. But this situation is unsustainable.

It doesn’t sound like this is just about sex - he is telling you that he feels you aren’t attracted to him anymore. Is sex a red herring here, or a focal point for a wider issue? Do you still laugh and joke together? Do you tell him you love him? Do you say thank you to each other? Do you go out of your way to do little things like make each other a cup of tea without being asked? In short, even if you are too tired for sex, are you showing him you still love him and value him in other ways?

And I agree with others - if you are that tired, go to your GP. Get tested for too little iron (anemia) or too much (haemachromatiais) and whatever else the GP recommends.

It’s horrible unless it’s been explicitly pre agreed that it’s okay to do that! I’ve never ever been thankful for being woken up for sex unless I specifically told the guy beforehand I’d be up for that. Especially when you’re so tired, wow. I’m guessing you never accept his advances in that scenario?

Yes @SummerInSun we're affectionate with each other day to day. We make each other cups of tea, have a laugh, talk rubbish with each other etc. It's just this that is becoming a sticking point for us both. When he's woke me in my sleep, I tell him to f-off and I take his hands off me. I am grumpy if anyone wakes me

I doubt he thinks you don't find him sexy.
Why doesn't he go to bed at the same time as you? Why does he wake you up for sex if he knows you won't be up for it.
Either he's self-boycotting or he's setting you up for failure. The same goes for "we haven't had sex for ages", or "we never have sex", when you've had it a couple of days ago. It seems that it really doesn't matter how much or when. The point here is that you're not up for it when he wants it.

Lots of red flags, IMO.

If you're going to take a multi vitamin in the meantime that's good, also see if you can get some over the counter vitamin D, I take high dose vitamin D (one dose a week) that I was prescribed but the pharmacist said it's cheaper to just buy it than get it on prescription. Everyone in the UK needs some extra vitamin D really.

The thing is OP, you say that all the acceptance and the changes etc need to come from him and that you need do nothing.

But in reality you also say that you had a good sex life until you started feeling these bouts of tiredness, and yet you’ve done nothing about that.

Certainly you shouldn’t feel that you are obliged to have sex with him, but equally it’s not just a case of you deciding that you have no sex drive and that all he has to do is accept it.

The truth here is that if a woman posted that her partner no longer wanted to have sex with her after they’d previously had a healthy sex drive people would still put the onus on the partner to do something about it. And if the reasons were because he was tired then people would say that he was being unreasonable if he at the very least didn’t seek some help for his tiredness and that the OP wasn’t unreasonable for feeling rejected.

I am the one with the non existent libido in my relationship after having previously had a very healthy sex life. The reason is because I developed a serious heart condition and am on some pretty hefty meds which kill my libido dead. Added to that, by the time I get to bed my blood pressure is shot,I am knackered, and on a couple of occasions sex has left me breathless and feeling absolutely dreadful. As a result me and DP have maybe had full PIV sex five or six times in the last two years although I will do other things for him on occasion.

And while my DP absolutely accepts no as a response, there are times when this frustrates him because we went from a healthy sex life to virtually nothing overnight. And as much as I know he should accept “no” as an answer,I also need to acknowledge that while my sex drive has dropped, his has not. And while there are absolutely reasons for this to have happened, this doesn’t make him feel any less rejected when he knows that previous intimacy is now just going to be pushed aside because of my needs iyswim.

So we have talked, and talked, and talked,and sometimes we haven’t agreed because he wants to be with me and me saying no feels like rejection, and to me his asking feels like pestering even though it isn’t meant to be. But ultimately we have had to end up on the same page in terms of the reasons and the way forward, otherwise there would be no future for the relationship.

The answer needs to begin with two-way communication. And while that means that he does need to listen to your reasons for not wanting sex, it also means that you need to be able to acknowledge how always being rejected makes him feel. Only once you can both empathise with the other can you move forward.

He wakes you up to pester for sex? Has he done this even after you told him to fuck off? (You can swear on here, ye know!) I’d go ballistic at that.

As someone on the other side of this, I have a much higher sex drive than my husband, I find it so tough to be knocked back and rejected all the time. I know a lot of people will say that it’s bad to feel coerced into sex, but I don’t think that’s what he’s trying to do. Mainly because I’ve said the same things he has - he’s just trying to let you know how shit he feels and is looking for reassurance. I think you just need to communicate more and try get out of the me vs him mentality. Work with him and try to reassure him, it’s tough when someone who couldn’t keep their hands off you suddenly can’t be bothered.

Thank you @DiamondsBestFriend.

I bet it was hard coming to terms with your heart condition, it's nice to know your husband supports you

I do empathise to some degree with dp but he doesn't ever ask how I feel about anything, everything seems to have to be on his terms. It bugs me. The way he sulked "oh so I just have to accept everything you say as sacrosanct and I'm not allowed to question your feelings?", to which my response was "why the hell are you questioning my feelings? What is there to question? I'm telling you how I feel and you're not respecting that."

It was last week we had sex, I've been on AF since. There is genuinely no reason for him to be making as much of a deal of this as he is. If it was roles reversed and his sex drive nose dived I wouldn't be putting pressure on I'm to perform and if try to see what the issue was first and help him through it. I'm not getting any of that in return.

We've had a talk. Went better than I expected. He's said sorry for how he's been with me. I told him I've got an appointment in a couple of weeks, he said he didn't realise I was that bad. So i think he now gets it.

We both agreed that I wouldn't want to feel forced into doing something I didn't want to do - he said this straight off the bat. He told me he would be happy with a massage from time to time even if it didn't lead any further. We discussed his frustration and ways in which it could be alleviated between us without full-on sex but I did tell him that if I wasn't in the mood I would say so and he's to leave it at that and he's agreed. He's also said I need a day off to myself and has offered to take the kids out this weekend.

So in all it's been very positive. Thanks to all who answered on this post.

Very un-mumsnetty hugs to you all

Where's your massage that does t go any further?? Remember it's not just his needs that matter. Good luck at the drs

He said he would do the same for me, and that it wouldn't go further than that. I think he just wants intimacy in the bedroom even if it leads nowhere. I'm usually too tired.

Congrats OP on finding a good compromise! Glad to hear he's admitted being a divot, and you've talked through some good options. Also, good luck with the Doctor!

When it comes to massages, it can often be better than sex for relieving stress. Yes, even for guys. I know some readers might find that shocking. The problem is that a lot of guys don't know it either.

Gently and briefly rubbing literally everywhere from the toes up to the top of the head can work wonders. It doesn't have to be a 45 minute marathon of firm kneading at all, even 5-10 mins of light pressure feels amazing. Just be very firm in telling him when you reach the crotch that sex will not automatically follow, despite what you're currently holding. Warn him you can twist rather hard if he gets any ideas!

Likewise I hope he can do the same for you, and you manage to keep communicating about exactly what you need/want at any given time. Best of luck!

your post is about what you do, your needs. You're not thinking of his,

no-one should ever have sex because they feel the other person "needs" them to. If one member of a couple doesn't want sex then sex is off the table, no matter what the other person wants or needs.

“Yes, I've tried. he just tells me to 'go to bed earlier'. Then wakes me up when I do wanting sex.“

This would totally piss me off.
I don’t think he cares if you’re in the mood or not otherwise he wouldn’t be waking you up.
He thinks he has a right to use your body when he wants. You say you’ve had the “coercion” conversation with him so he knows it’s coercion. There are some weirdos who get turned on by sexual coercion. Could he be one of these?

Do you want to continue living with someone like this ?

OP you need to see your GP. Get iron, b vitamins and Vitamin D levels checked. Also your hormone levels.

Mine was caused by a total lack of vitamin D.

I hope it does get better, but I don't believe a man who wakes you up for sex will improve much or for long, and I don't believe he wants intimacy.

And fuck a head to toe massage. If you're too tired, he should be giving you one. I'd rather have a 5 min quick shag than give a 5 min head to toe massage if I'm tired.

And also fuck this
"your post is about what you do, your needs. You're not thinking of his"
It looks quite the opposite to me.

Eggncress - I will see how things improve. We've had the conversation so now I need to see whether he sticks to what we've agreed.

"your post is about what you do, your needs. You're not thinking of his"

Yes, I thought this was an unfair thing to say too, but I took it onboard.

Yay that's good news OP. So glad you managed to talk. Feels great when communication results in a solution or at least something to try and see how it goes.

Well done OP. Hope it all works out.

Havent had time to read the whole thread so my apologies, i saw the post this morning before work and theres been a few replies since.

I could have written your post OP. Tiredness reasons aside (I too am an early to bed yet always tired person)...it is completely draining and exhausting to br constantly pestered for sex.

It put me right off it completely, what little drive i had (for him, it turns out) just vanished. My marriage was like this for years. The more he pestered, and it WAS pestering, the more I just withdrew. If he didnt have sex regularly, our entire home atmosphere was awful. He never gave me the silent treatment or anything like that but it was just awful. He was grumpy with me and even the kids. And yes, i did on a regular basis have sex with him because I knew we would then have a nice weekend with no bad atmosphere.

Id go to bed early kn the end to avoid it and get up early too.

It got to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore. He would nag and hassle me .not just for sex, but to 'dress up' in stockings/suspenders. I hated it, it made me feel sick. But in the end just sex wasnt enough either I had to be dressed up. he would pack thr underwear if we ever went away anywhere and sulk/say how disappointed he was if I didn't wear it. A defining moment in our marriage was kn 2013 we were away on holiday (no kids) in a beautiful place...id refused to wear it, and he got upset/angry at the cost of the holiday as he'd expected us to be having lots of sex. But for me, the expectation of sex plus dressing up had just sent me completely the other way.
I remember not wanting the holiday ruined so i initiated sex in the shower but cried (he didnt see as he was behind me, sorry tmi).

I told him it was over about 2 years ago. I just couldn't do it anymore.

Im now with a new guy, and surprisingly, i do have a sex drive. Its low, but its there. And theres no pressure, no sulking, no 'Im disappointed' and no bad atmphospheres. It happens when it happens and its great .

Sorry for long post but your post really resonated with me.

I'm glad you're in a better place now anxiety no one should have to put up with that nonsense of being told what to wear. Im glad you've found happiness with someone who respects you.

Can I ask (and don't answer if you don't want to) was there a reason for your tiredness? Lack of iron, that kind of thing? Did you take anything to help with it?