Thought I'd update as it's been a while.
I went to the nurse practitioners on Wednesday evening and she has referred me for a blood test.
Dp went to his mum and dad's on Wednesday, they live about 25 miles away. I said to him before he left 'don't forget my appointment is at 5:45pm'. He didn't pay attention. Suffice to say I had to ring him to get him home because he 'forgot' about my appointment and I needed him to look after the kids.
Anyway I went along to the nurse, she was lovely, took all my obs and gave me a referral. It's a walk in clinic type thing and the only day I can make it is a Wednesday this week. So I have to wait til then to have my blood taken.
Last week Sunday I got a migraine so bad, I had to go back to bed and was shaking and heaving. Almost threw up (sorry) and dp decided to spend last week Sunday morning being narky and generally a pain in the arse with me. It's only when I nearly broke down in tears telling him to back off, that he backed down.
Fast forward to this weekend. My brother arranged something ages ago with me, an event on Friday evening that ran from 8pm til 2pm. I said months ago I would love to go. Anyway Friday came and I felt like shit as i have come down with a cold on top of the general groggy lousy feeling I usually have. I asked dp on Friday morning if he would go to the event in place of me. His response was 'why would I want to go to that?'. I explained i wasnt feeling well and I had to go to work on Friday too when all I wanted to do was sleep. But I felt bad about leaving my brother in the lurch. Dp refused.
Anyway Friday evening came, and I decided I would go but not for long as I didn't want to let dbro down. All was well. Got home, dp was pleasant with me when I got home. I went straight to bed.
Last night I went to bed early, dp was downstairs atching tv, and the kids had fallen asleep in my bed. So I fell asleep with them.
This morning all hell breaks loose. Dp in a shit mood starts whinging that 'we never have fun any more' which is code for sex. I explained how I'm feeling and that I'm full of a cold on top of my regular exhaustion. He starts having a go at 'well you went out with your brother on Friday night, it didn't seem to stop you doing That.'
I told him I didn't want to let db down and that I just don't feel in the mood for sex recently and I'm having blood tests to look if there's anything underlying. But he took it upon himself to hurl abuse at me, swearing and shouting at me and basically putting me down. He started having a go at me for going to bed early.
Afterwards, we spent an hour and a half talking to each other about the issue and I was explaining how I feel all the time, the exhaustion, the migraines, the dizzy spells etc. and he kept saying how crap and frustrating it was for him that we don't have sex and how he is going to leave. Then at the end of the discussion, he started spouting more negative shite.
I decided i couldnt be arsed with him and besides, I had to go food shopping so I took myself off out to do it whilst he stayed home with the kids. When I got back, he took himself off to bed for an hour. I woke him up just before dinner was ready - he was still in a mood at this point, and threatening to leave again. I told him I couldn't be arsed with the conversation and went downstairs to sort dinner out. As I was getting the potatoes out of the pan, I suddenly went light-headed and dizzy. Then I found i couldn't breathe. Turns out I was having a panic attack. Dp came in the kitchen and found me hyperventilating and drained. He calmed me down carried me to bed. He got me some water and called my mum. My mum on the phone managed to calm me down further, enough so I could talk to her. She's told me to go doctors tomorrow. Dp was sorting the kids out.
Anyway after I got off the phone to my mum I laid in bed and broke down into floods of tears. Dp came up and heard me crying and started asking what was wrong! I told him it was him making me feel stressed and not letting me be. He asked 'is this my fault?' And I replied 'yes I've been telling you for weeks how exhausted I am and having migraines and dizzy spells. I even told you that's why I'm going for blood tests in the first place.'
His response to that was 'i didn't believe you', followed by 'I knew you were tired all the time and going for a blood test for that. I didn't think the migraines and dizzy spells were part of it. I didn't connect the dots' even though I've been telling him for weeks how I've been feeling!!!
He's put none stop pressure on me about sex, said he's not going to 'stop being a miserable bastard about it' despite me telling him that I want him to back off and stop pressuring me, he's threatened to leave me bullied and abused me daily for me not wanting sex, he hasn't listened to me when I've told him how bad I feel, how tired I am, even when he's witnessed the migraines. And it's taken til today, me having a panic attack for him to finally 'believe' me. Yes, because I was fucking making everything up til that point wasn't I???
I am so fucking angry right now.
Sorry that was long and bless you if you got through to the end. I am beyond livid!!! And can't stop crying.