To tell DP to back off?

[Benjaminbuttonschild]

Hi all,

Sorry I'm a bit ranty. Me and dp had a row this morning as he keeps pressuring me for sex and sulking about it.

My sex drive has died down recently. I still enjoy it but I am honestly so tired generally I just can't be bothered.

We have sex maybe a couple of times a month although he is insistent that we should do it more. In turn I feel pressured like I'm gonna get his sulky mood if I say I don't want to. Last night we went to bed, we're both shattered and he's mithering me for sex. He said he wants intimacy, but we are intimate day to day, holding hands, affectionate etc. So I said intimacy isn't just about sex and he tells me "I wish you found me sexy and wanted to have sex with me!". He hasn't even asked me what I'm thinking or feeling!! Everything boils down to sex to him and I'm getting seriously fucked off having the same conversation again and again.

Aibu to tell him to back off and leave me be?

I'm fed up.

Yes, I wonder how many of your symptoms would lessen or disappear if he left? Might be worth a clinical trial...

Your sister's a good'un. Glad you told her about what was going on.

When he wants to talk, ask him if he is really threatening to walk away from all you have together just because he's not getting as much sex as he wants.
If his answer is yes, and getting his end away is more important to him than anything else then obviously he cares more about that than he does for you. Please encourage him to leave.

Can't sleep. I keep playing yesterday over and over in my head. How could he have not listened to me. I talked everything through with him in the hope we'd reach an understanding and I got nothing but his coldness back.

He's always been abusive in various ways and no one else sees it. I wish they would. I have never been with anyone nor met anyone so toxic in my life. He really is something else

Op. I've been following your thread. Just read that you can't sleep so I thought I'd keep you company.
This vile man has almost driven you to a break down and affected your health. No one else needs to see he is abusive. Only YOU need to know that. Validate yourself. Abusive men never change. You will always find yourself fighting to get him to take you seriously.

Wishing you strength and a speedy recovery. Xx

@benjaminsbuttonchild think you should get your iron count checked out. Along with other vitals. Don't want to freak you out but being tired like that is not normal, maybe symptoma for something going wrong internally. I said this because I have had the same before. Doesn't quite fix the sex issue, but think your health is more important.

The most galling part about everything is now he's being apologetic - No he not being apologetic, he just realises he over step the mark and his chance of have SEX in the next week ha been ruined, so now he back peddling so fast again only thinking about his needs and wants and not your well being.

OP what bloods have you been referred for?
B12, D, iron and Thyroid def need checking.

Did you take multivitamins before having them done? If they have b12 in that can give you a false high.

There are many support groups for many things on FB. Without those i still wouldn't be getting anywhere near the correct treatment for B12 deficiency. Depending on your results (get a printout) join the ones you need.

Thanks for all the replies and support. I have the referral paperwork in my car. I definitely recall seeing b12 on there but I'm not sure what else. Will check later.

I've read back through this thread. I'd been saying for a few weeks before I made my first post that I feel exhausted to him. He didn't listen. I was telling him about my migraines and dizzy spells and he didn't listen.

When I complained of tiredness he told me to go to bed early, only to keep waking me up for sex when he finally came to bed. Or he's wake me up in the night. Then we had a row about it, which prompted my initial post on here. So three weeks ago. I was told by you lovely folks That I should definitely get a blood test as the tiredness and migraines aren't normal. So I did. Then I updated here on 8th October to say me and dp had a talk and he said "sorry i didn't realise you were that bad." I told him implicitly about the exhaustion, tiredness and migraines. He said he wouldn't pester me anymore about sex.

Then we've had a few rows since then as he keeps sniping at me and having a go at me for pointless things. Last weekend he witnessed one of my migraines for himself. As I was nearly sick.

Then this weekend happened, he's been in my back about lack of sex and saying he will continue to be a miserable bastard with me for as long as nothing changes. Even though he knows I have a referral for a blood test. Then I had the panic attack - which I think is more due to the stress of him being unsupportive and he's made numerous threats to leave this weekend.

I'm not proud of this but when he went for a shower this morning I checked his phone. Him and my mum were texting last night and she was telling him to make sure I go to doctors etc. He sent her a reply which says "this is the first I've known about her migraines. She did have one last Sunday but that's the first I've known about any of these issues".

He's got form.

Reading back through this thread reassures me I'm not losing my mind and we definitely did have a conversation about how I feel on 8th October. I told him my appointment was 24th October to see nurse practitioner. On the day of my appointment I reminded before he left the house for his mum and dad's so he knew to get back on time. He 'forgot.' He also conveniently 'forgot' about our conversation on 8th October even though I implicitly sat him down and told him and he said he didn't realise I was that bad.

Sorry I'm writing this all down because it's helping me make sense.

OP what do you want to have happen going forward as he sounds awful

I actually wish he would leave now as he's been threatening to. But because I was in tear last night, I said "you've been threatening to leave when I've been asking for your help" so he apologised and said he wouldn't be going anywhere. I don't want to be the one to tell him to go as it will be me making that decision. I want this to be his choice so he has to look people in the eye and tell them why he left. I want him to feel the consequences of his actions. If I boot him out I can o my imagine the spin he would give to people.

He's a classic abuser.

Haven't read RTFT but just wanted to say that starting having panic attacks was when it clicked for me that all the problems were being caused by my then "bf".

Just stop engaging with him, he won't understand because he doesn't want to. Start expecting nothing from him and make plans on how to get rid of him.

Good luck OP.

He ll put his own spin on it anyway, whether you kick him out, the dog chases him out or he leaves willingly.
So might as well just kick his abusive arse out OP. His 'spin' on it does not matter a jot.
Over 20 years experience of living with abusive exh and using every avoidance tactic in the book to avoid having sex with him as he made my skin crawl by the end by behaving just like yours and more.

Well, I think it's true that men do not understand why women do not want sex with them, other than that it is because they do not find them sexy.

Men still desire sex even when they feel ill or sleepy....it doesn't go away.

So I think there is an element of fear here because he thinks that if ever he went off sex with you it would be because he found you unattractive.

He's failing to understand how you feel and doesn't sound like he is really trying either. He is also saying that if he stops finding you sexually attractive then the relationship is as good as over.

Reading it I'm wondering why he bothered committing to you ? What did he think he was committing to ?

plink I dont think you understand what coerced means.Nagging for sex and making playlists is NOT coercion.Coercion is being forced

He will spin it so that he is the wronged party either way, wouldn't let that hold you back.

He doesn't understand that your sex drive has changed and probably thinks you still desire it, just not with him. This is what he will persuade himself.

Men like this will then say as soon as their ex wife starts dating again "see told you".

If I boot him out I can o my imagine the spin he would give to people.

Understandably you want to expose him for the abusive pig he is. Understandably you want him to experience your level of sadness.

However, he's a piece of shit. He will spin all the stories in the world about how he did x, y and z for you, how you treated him abysmally, how he only wanted what's best.

None of that matters. None of it. Let him sell his sob story. Let him feed his bullshit pies to others. The only thing that matters is that you know he's abusing you and you know you deserve more. It's so easy for me to be glib because I'm not you, but you need more from your life than being tormented by this absolute crevice of a human.

plink I dont think you understand what coerced means.Nagging for sex and making playlists is NOT coercion.Coercion is being forced

Also, @tiredgirly this is bollocks. Coercion can absolutely be verbal. Being forced is rape.

Sex where consent is coerced verbally is also rape. Consent must be given freely and fully informed.

He told me yesterday that he didn't believe that the migraines and dizziness were connected the the tiredness. Even after having multiple discussions. The thing that struck me is he said "I don't understand what it is. I don't get if you're physically unattached to me or of its because you're tired." I said based on how you've treated it's a combination of both!

I'm astounded by his complete lack of awareness. He lives with me, doesn't see I'm ill, ignores me when I say so and goes so far as to use me as an emotional punching bag because "lack of sex affects me badly." So much so that he's been a nasty abusive bully. Then can't understand if I've gone off him. I said weeks ago in an earlier post, he never sees the bigger picture and his brain doesn't piece information together like it should. I think there is something fundamentally wrong with him

Basically I think what he was implying is that he doesn't believe me when I say im tired. He thinks I've been using it as some sort of ploy/excuse to avoid sex because he thinks I'm not attracted to him.

Whether you throw him out or he goes voluntarily, he will spin the tales. I think you should make the move, OP, abusers only get worse.

I think there is something fundamentally wrong with him

Absolutely there is. He could spend the next twenty years watching your health deteriorate and still blame everything in the world but himself. You've been worn down to becoming physically unwell because of his behaviour and still it's all about how he's not getting what he wants.

A relationship is about putting in more than you take out. There are times when you're unable to, but the fundamental basis of relationships is giving more than you get, that's how there's always a surplus of kindness for those tough moments to get you through. What's he giving you, kindness-wise? When was the last time he helped you feel better?

he doesn't believe me when I say I am tired and thinks it is some kind of ploy...

Yes ! This is exactly it. The only thing you can give him here is that even if he was ill he would still find you sexy. So he doesn't believe you because it is not relatable to his experience.

Like i say, I've seen this play out before. If you ever date another man, bet your boots he will feel justified in his treatment of you.

He could spend the next twenty years watching your health deteriorate and still blame everything in the world but himself

He's blaming the fact that I am on my phone all the time at night before bed. He's sent me an email link about technology and andrenal fatigue.

Funnily enough though, when I go to bed early, like 8/9pm and I don't play on my phone he criticises me for not being fun or he gets into bed and proceeds to touch my nether regions despite repeatedly being told not to. No, couldn't possibly be any blame at his doorstep, could there?

He's nonsensical and will say anything to make himself not look like the piece of shit that he is.