To tell DP to back off?

[Benjaminbuttonschild]

Hi all,

Sorry I'm a bit ranty. Me and dp had a row this morning as he keeps pressuring me for sex and sulking about it.

My sex drive has died down recently. I still enjoy it but I am honestly so tired generally I just can't be bothered.

We have sex maybe a couple of times a month although he is insistent that we should do it more. In turn I feel pressured like I'm gonna get his sulky mood if I say I don't want to. Last night we went to bed, we're both shattered and he's mithering me for sex. He said he wants intimacy, but we are intimate day to day, holding hands, affectionate etc. So I said intimacy isn't just about sex and he tells me "I wish you found me sexy and wanted to have sex with me!". He hasn't even asked me what I'm thinking or feeling!! Everything boils down to sex to him and I'm getting seriously fucked off having the same conversation again and again.

Aibu to tell him to back off and leave me be?

I'm fed up.

OP the abbreviation you're looking for is TFT in your blood test form. Thyroid function test.

If you want him to go I think you just have to grey rock it - you want him to go so dont engage

So he can't deny not knowing you're unwell now yet is still being a pig. Honestly life is too short op. I hope you're as well as can be.

Even if you miraculously recovered right now and your sex drive reappeared, would you want to have sex with him. He sounds like a right bore.

I have read through this whole thread and I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. From what you've said, you sound like you are already drowning in your duties of work, motherhood, chores, and just about managing to hold it together but making yourself ill doing it all, and it sounds like at the moment your DP is only adding to this. Are you still in work or can you get your GP to sign you off for a little while to allow you to recuperate?

Or alternatively, can you take a bold step and take a break from everything and perhaps stay with your mum for a few days? It sounds like you are both physically and mentally unwell (from both exhaustion, an unsupportive DP, potential anaemia or other health condition, mental overload...) and I don't think it is unreasonable at all to take a step back, make DP step up for a few days (take time off work, the same as he would need to if a child was unwell and needed to care for them) and see to the kids and everything.... just for a few days to allow you to even start to process things and recover and rest?

It may be that you need some time away from each other to think about what you want to do next.

Is this an option for you OP?

I am so worried for you xxx

Agree with CrossFit, you need to take a step back, forget about DP and sex. Maybe get signed off for a week or two and get yourself well. Focus on you, you matter too. He won't die from lack of sex, his dick won't fall off. He might leave but that I'd call his bluff on that one.

Thanks for the responses. Ill try my best to reply. Just checked my referral form, TFT is on there as well as LFT(?) And a few others.

I can't get time of work at the minute as it's a busy time. I've had loads of time off recently with my kids being sick with various things, including an overnight stay in hospital with ds1. Dp can't get time off work so taking time off when kids are sick always falls to me. Even though depending on circumstance I don't always get paid for it or have to eat into my annual leave. He won't take time off when they are ill. Yet another thing I have to just get on with.

I wouldn't be able to stay at my mum's as my brother is there occupying the spare room. I mean I could if it was just me and I knew dp would do drop offs/pick ups for childcare but he can't so it's not practical, they'd have to stay at my mum's with me but then there's a lack of room for us all.

@findingmyway you are so right, life is too short.

Ok I know he's a twat, but he's the twat I live with. I should be kicking him out, or he should leave. Truthfully I'm not ready to kick him out yet. If he chose to leave that's on him and there's nothing I can do. I don't want to be with him but I don't feel psychologically prepared to kick him out as yet. God, that sounds awful.

So I'm going to have to develop some coping strategies in the meantime. Til I'm ready. Or he leaves off his own volition.

He can't take time off with a sick child, or he won't? What if (I am NOT saying you should) you ran off to some convent driven away by his attitude and left him with the children? He'd bloody have to then

LFT is Liver Function Test. I'm guessing TFT is Thyroid Function Test?

His boss frowns upon it so he won't @aunt

I sort of have to agree with auntmarch. You should just up and leave one night when he is in with the kids, tell him you can't cope and you're going away and won't be back for a few days. What's he going to do leave the kids home alone and go to work?
He would HAVE to step up.

I know in reality it's not the same but I feel like that's what I'd want to do.

LFT is the liver function test and a normal request. Sounds like they're covering all bases.

How do you know his boss frowns on it? Because he told you

Hi again,

Thought I would update on this thread as it's been a while.

I got my blood test results back a couple/few weeks ago... can't remember exactly when without trawling through this thread.

Anyway, everything they tested for was normal except for Vitamin D. The nurse practitioner said my levels were basically in my boots and can be a contributing factor to my fatigue. The supplement she prescribed seems to be helping on that front, I'm tired but no longer extremes of exhausted I was feeling a few weeks ago.

After 'd'p lost his shit with me yet again yesterday over something trivial and he did it right in front of our 3 year old, I asked him to leave. He left last night after spending most of yesterday afternoon/evening stressing at the kids (he didn't bother to tell the kids - I had the honour of doing that this morning), and I have to say the relief I feel is tremendous! Honestly I feel like I can breathe again. Today I cracked on as I meant to, got up with kids, helped oldest with homework, did my weekly shop, cleaned out my pets, had my nephew and niece over to play, sorted my washing, took my kids out for tea as a treat and I feel alive for the first time in ages.

Ex has texted me today about arrangements for seeing the kids this week. He then eventually asked as I was bathing them earlier if they were ok. Nice bit of faux concern there. I replied they are fine.

Oldest understands daddy won't be living here now but he said "that's ok I can see him at Christmas" - not the reaction I expected from a 5 year old. I told ds1 daddy would see him this week and he seems surprisingly ok. Youngest is a bit too young to get it and hasn't asked anything yet.

I am still amazed I found the courage to ask him to leave, but after how he's behaved with me lately and spoke to me yesterday I feel I have had my fill of shit to last me a lifetime.

Well done OP

I know I've done the right thing. Does feel a bit weird though. Not sure if I'm running on adrenaline or something as I've not eaten much over the weekend.

I think mid-week it will hit home like a bag if bricks, especially when he sees the kids. But my resolve must be strong. I have encountered enough crap over the past couple of months and so have my kids. So I need to carve a better life for us all and reconnect with me again. Just one foot in front of the other. Really does seem strange even though the card was marked a long time ago.

I'm liking your update. I'm glad that you've got him out of your hair and can get on with living your life now. And yeah, vitamin D deficiency can cause all kinds of issues. I was very low too and was prescribed a high dose, just once a week. I finished those and am now taking it in oral spray form daily, just one spray, a make called Better You, which seems to be quite good. My GP said most people in the UK are vitamin D deficient to some degree (especially at this time of year) but obviously some of us are worse than others. I wasn't suprised about my diagnosis considering I'm indoors probably 90% of the time.

Anyway, good luck for the future and thanks for updating.

Well done OP!

You don't sound sexually compatible at all, and this seldom ends well for any relationship.

I left my husband after putting up with this for over 20 years.
Always thought there was something wrong with me, but don't think there was, just mismatched libido.

I have the same situation and I was getting really fucked off with it until I actually thought about it from DH’s position. What he likely feels is that he has a wife that isn’t attracted to him, never wants to touch him because she’s “too tired” (even though he may be tired too, he always makes time for intimacy with his wife), and basically feels unattractive and unloved. If DH suddenly no longer wanted sex with you wouldn’t it upset you? Wouldn’t you question why? And wouldn’t it make you feel a bit unloved and unattractive? I imagine that’s how he feels when his advances are rejected.

The issue is that he’s approaching it in the wrong way. He pesters you for sex because it’s what he wants to feel loved, but the more he pesters you the less you want sex! Perhaps explain this to him and if he backs off slightly you might feel encouraged to make more time for you both.

This isn’t really about consent, and I fucking hate that questions like yours always turn into DH bashing threads that accuse him of being a potential rapist and OMG you MUST LTB immediately! It’s pathetic. What you need to do is put yourself in his shoes, and maybe have a gentle conversation with him about how you feel. Good luck OP

Oops sorry OP, didn’t read the full thread! 🙈