To tell DP to back off?

[Benjaminbuttonschild]

Hi all,

Sorry I'm a bit ranty. Me and dp had a row this morning as he keeps pressuring me for sex and sulking about it.

My sex drive has died down recently. I still enjoy it but I am honestly so tired generally I just can't be bothered.

We have sex maybe a couple of times a month although he is insistent that we should do it more. In turn I feel pressured like I'm gonna get his sulky mood if I say I don't want to. Last night we went to bed, we're both shattered and he's mithering me for sex. He said he wants intimacy, but we are intimate day to day, holding hands, affectionate etc. So I said intimacy isn't just about sex and he tells me "I wish you found me sexy and wanted to have sex with me!". He hasn't even asked me what I'm thinking or feeling!! Everything boils down to sex to him and I'm getting seriously fucked off having the same conversation again and again.

Aibu to tell him to back off and leave me be?

I'm fed up.

Nagging for sex and making a playlist then going off on one when sex doesn't happen absolutely is coercion as the person who doesn't want sex often becomes afraid of the backlash if they don't comply.

Anyway to answer PP I had a look on my referral form. It's all in abbreviations, I couldn't see anything about my thyroid.

There was b12, bone, folate (I think) and then random abbreviations that mean nothing to me. I will ask about it on Wednesday when I go to get my bloods taken.

He thinks I've been using it as some sort of ploy/excuse to avoid sex because he thinks I'm not attracted to him.

He’s
Not exactly making himself attractive is he?

Yeuch.

There are really only two possible interpretations of his actions. As you know him best, you would be best placed to judge.

The first is that he just wants sex and that this is the primary reason he bothers with a "relationship". Now that the amount of
sex has reduced significantly, he is angry and is wondering what the point in the relationship is.

The second is that he genuinely believes that you do not love him and are no longer attracted to him. He is angry and frustrated and hurt by this and he does not understand it.
To be fair to him, he has said this and you didn't really say whether you tried to understand his position, just that love is not all about sex and he must accept that.

Either way the relationship is now in serious trouble since if he starts being nice again you will think he just wants sex. And perhaps that is
why he is being nice.

I don't have any suggestions btw - but this is very common problem.

Don't wait for him to make the decision, just kick him out. He's going to spin it his way regardless, so why wait?

The more you post about him the worse he sounds OP. I would dump him. You will feel so much better without this waste of space. He adds nothing to your life apart from a whole load of grief that you don't need.

And I would knee him hard in the bollocks the next time he starts with his unwanted intimate touching. How dare he?

I see plenty of threads on here with women saying that men with a low sex drive would be a deal breaker for them or that they [the woman] NEED a certain amount of sex but their partner is unable to meet their needs/expectation etc etc. This doesn't make such sense to me but clearly it does to plenty of women and significantly impacts on their wish to continue with a relationship.
This sounds the same to me but in reverse. Granted he is not going about it the right way.

Didn't see the unwanted touching bit - clearly not on!

Ordinarily, if this were a man we'd say the OP should get medical help, etc, and saying you're too tired for sex yet sitting up in bed on the mobile is out of order and effectively checking out of a relationship.

However, he sounds like a pig of a man, that is being abusive. I don't think many men would be happy having sex off the table indefinitely, but at the moment you need his support.

He is aware, but he just doesn't care. He is a selfish piece of shit.

I read earlier in the thread that he keeps waking you up at night to pester you for sex. I wonder if your migraines and dizzy spells are connected to a chronic lack of sleep, which is caused by him.

You need to leave him, because it is clear he is doing this on purpose to weaken your defenses. He will destroy you if it gets him what he wants.

Me sitting on my phone at night is his get out of jail free card.

But it's not strictly true, I don't spend loads of time on it and using technology to replace real social interaction is a big no no in my book.

He uses my phone use activity as an excuse. Its something he latched onto, because when we first got together, he spent lots and lots of time on his phone and seemingly wasn't bothered if I was in his company or not. We had some right arguments about it as i cohkdbt understand why he said he wanted go be with me and showed me the compkete opposite. How dumb was i? Then I thought sod it, why am I trying to convince someone that they should enjoy my company. And so in turn I started going on my phone a lot. He didnt like it that he was no longer getting my attention and spun it round on me that I'm using my phone too much. He ignored the fact that he is often on his til very late at night. Goes on it first thing when he wakes up in the morning. Ignores the kids whilst he's spending time on much to my dismay. He couldn't last a day without it.

I don't use mine as much as he makes out, I spend more time of an evening when the kids are in bed watching box sets so I'm not even on my phone. It just when he sees me on it, it's something, almost tangible to him that he's latched on to and he's using it as the reason I'm so tired all the time. In essence his brain is too lazy to form a proper opinion. He use phone = reason for tiredness and he feels justified with that.

When I get say, 10 hours sleep I still feel groggy in the morning. The phone use is a complete red herring.

I have told him it feels like he wants a relationship in name only. He just goes off on one, gets argumentative, starts swearing, bawling and shouting and I just get shouted down. He doesn't want to hear anything but his own 'truth.'I mean it when I say I've never met anyone who is as toxic as he is. When he's being nice, he's really nice. But it never lasts. It doesn't take much for his mask to slip and him to revert back to his nasty bastard ways.

It doesn't sound like you can stand him, let alone find him sexually attractive. The more you write the more it seems like you should call it a day.

He has hurt me a lot over the years, in more ways than I can describe. He needs therapy, I'm sure. He's deeply damaged.

I'm really sorry. Incase it gets lost in my lost my opinion is you should call woman's aid, you need some real life support. You need someone in real life to talk through everything so you can start to get some help.

Your whole thread talks of various reasons as to why he doesn't get it or doesn't remember or didn't realise how bad it was or didn't think you were telling the truth.
Your latest posts have added that you know he is abusive, this adds volumes to your thread.

The reality (in my opinion) is he doesn't give a shiny shit.
He only cares if it directly relates to him and what he wants, then I bet he remembers very well, he manages fine to react appropriately and connect things together.

Stop trying to explain his behaviour, stop excusing his vile treatment of you, stop taking responsibility that this is somehow your fault or that his reaction is for you to manage.

He is showing you very clearly that you are unimportant to him unless you fit into providing his needs or emotionally passive so his emotional needs are all that catered for.

You can't fix a problem when you are not the cause so stop trying. Focus completely on your health for now.

In the meantime if it was me (I understand if you don't feel able to) I'd be telling him. Under no circumstances am I open to sex until I feel better (you know if you'll ever be ready)
That means you are not to mention it.
Do not pressure me or emotionally punish me.
You are not to touch me.
You are absolutely not to wake me.
If you touch me again I will see it as assault.
If you ignore my wishes I will see that as the end of our relationship, this is not about you this is about my health and if you don't respect that then we are over.

His a different person to the rest of the world. My mum and dad don't see him in the same light so they don't really have my back in that sense. I'm worried about the damage caused to the kids as a result of his behaviour. But I can't keep him around I need him to leave. My parents swallow his bullshit hook, line and sinker so I know I won't have their support.

I feel like I made a rod for my own back by staying with him despite knowing what he is like

You don't need anyone except for yourself. (I'm not including the children obviously) don't let the fact you don't think you'll get support or even understanding trap you!

I know most people think they need others and yes it's easier if you do but you don't need others.

Once it's done and you have started to heal your family will see you "coming back to life" then they might start to see the truth but if they don't that doesn't matter because you know the truth and you'll know how much better your life is away from his control and his constant pressure.

It's better to be free and no one "getting it" than to be trapped and have everyone around you thinking your happy and living a lie.

The other thing is though, you never know how people will react they might be brilliant.

Lock your phone. He doesn't need to have access to it.

It also seems like you are living with a narcissistic abuser. He is unable to care about anyone but himself.

OP, don't worry too much that people wont believe he's abusive, which he is. I left someone after 30 years last year, and I'm still getting people coming up to me saying they always thought my ex was an arsehole.

This kind of poor behaviour does often show even when the abusive person thinks it doesn't.

I hope you get the medical stuff sorted, and I do agree with those saying LTB.

Well it's a bit of a drip feed but I guess if he's abusive then that changes things.

Based on your OP though, I would say I am on the other side of this (I'm in your partners shoes, genders reversed) and its a fucking horrible feeling.

I get it, no means no. At the same time, its a horrible feeling being constantly rejected for sex. It makes you start doubting your attractiveness and whether your partner cares anymore. Lots of people (me included) see sex as being about bonding. So if we're not having sex I feel disconnected from my partner. Like we're just housemates.

I'd feel the same way @Bright lights, if they went off sex seemingly with no reason. But I wouldn't if my partner complained of not feeling right in themselves. I'd see it as something to help them through

Does he ever not bring sex up at all?

OP I think there may well reach a point where you have to break free rather than waiting for him to leave

I have been there too @Bright but in the end rather than try and fix it he spent his weekend elsewhere to avoid it, so it wasn't just the physical side that drive me away it was the unwillingness to talk about it (we didn't have sex for well over a year, maybe 2 in fact, it wasn't like I didn't try before I packed it in!)

OP; the more I have read the more I think in some ways he is right. In that I think I he is probably the reason you are so run down, stress is incredible in what it can actually cause physically in somebody! And why would you feel like you want to be intimate with someone who treats you like he does? Sexual attraction (after the initial fling at least!) Is about a lot for than someone being easy on the eye.

He mentions sex loads. Always has talked about it lots. Says it's healthy. Yeah, well so is being an emotionally supportive partner. I'd say that's pretty essential for a relationship to thrive. Says it's a really important part of a relationship. More important than any other aspect it would appear.

Yeah that is not healthy OP at all sex should be PART of a relationship not the be all and end all

Ho wis he know

Ah he's still in a shit mood. Hasn't really spoken a word to me all evening.