AIBU re DH’s spending

[Chipbutty67]

Hi,

I need a sense check about DH’s levels of spending. Not trying to be goody, I’ve only included amounts to give a sense of the extremity, in my opinion.

Background:
DH is from a very wealthy background and his parents spend similarly to him. I’m from a very modest background but whilst I worked, I earned more and was senior to DH. I spend like my parents, quite frugally. I’ve beeen a SAHM for 4 years, no income of my own. DH is a very high earner in a highly pressured job.

We clash all the time about his spending. Despite DH being a high earner, we can’t put our kids in private school or live in a nicer area because he refuses to cut back on , in my opinion, frivolous spending.

For eg he won’t learn to drive but Uber’s everywhere, spending easily £150 a month, if not more. He spends an enormous amount on video games, almost 400 a month. I cook a family meal every single night, based on what he likes to eat. 4 nights a week he’ll then order himself a takeaway after the kids and I are in bed. At least £50 a week. The list goes on and on. New tech, new watches, incessant movie purchases etc.

His arguments are:

• it’s his money, he works very hard and is entitled to use his money as he wishes, which is true
• he already provides the necessities for our family, also true, but I feel like the money could be put to use to improve our kids’ standard of living
• I can’t understand, having grown up in a poorer household. He can’t reasonably be expected to change who he is or be policed by me. Not sure about this one, but it does make me feel guilty.

I hate being a nag or being cheap but every time a bank statement comes in I feel furious.

AIBU and controlling?

He sounds rather immature and selfish tbh, no reason why he couldn’t still spend money on things he enjoys while also considering his family’s wants and needs.

400 a month on games? That’s ridiculous, is he immature in other ways as well? It may be partly due to your different backgrounds, but rich people tend to stay rich by not wasting money so it could just be he’s a spendthrift by nature.

He sounds immature. Can he not even be open to a compromise where he cuts down his £400 a month spending on video games by half and then puts the other half into family things for example? Even £200 a month on video games would be ridiculous in my opinion though

I think his spending does sound excessive, particularly as it all seems to be for him.

A few cutbacks would hardly affect his standard of living while potentially making a huge difference to your kids. I would show him a goal e.g. private school fees, and an budget of how cutbacks could help you afford this. He can see in black and white that his spending is selfish.

I'm gonna trot out the it's not HIS money, it's family money.

Do you have excess of 700 quid to fritter as you see fit each month?

If i were you I would tell him he needs to seriously cut back this month because you want to treat yourself, so the £600 he spends on video games and takeaways needs to be spent on you this month. See what he says. That should tell you whether he is a selfish twat or just from a different background.

YAnbu, just sensible.

Can you compromise and set up an order with the bank, that sweeps whatever is left at the end of the month, into a savings account so at least some money is being set aside.
And cook bigger meals to try to wean him off the takeaways. (that really is bizarre - is he trying to eat himself to death?)
Open an eBay account and start selling the tech as he discards it

£400 on video games?!!!! That's insane OP!

YANBU and I'd really struggle with that. My DH would love to spend £400 per month on frivolous stuff but we have a family so that's just not an option. Instead we overpay the mortgage by a similar amount so that we can be mortgage free and this support the kids at uni in ten years time.

The video game thing is insane - he’s a grown man?! I mean even if he really loved it surely that’s a high amount. Everything else seems ok (if that’s what he is used to) what does he Spend on you?

The driving thing....I can drive but when I moved to the Home Counties I chose not to. Excellent public transport (I lived near the station) and didn’t want the additional hassle (in shared housing for three years, so parking not guaranteed) and expense of running/maintaining a car. If the weather was bad or I was feeling lazy/had a very early start/late finish at work I got taxis. Single journey was between £4-6 so much cheaper than buying/taxing/insuring and maintaining a car.

However, £400 on video games? I can’t even imagine what/how many he’s buying!

And, it’s not all ‘his’ money, it’s family money which (IMHO) means it’s used for the family. My DH and I have a joint account, plus our own; if we want new clothes/hair done/hobbies we use our own accounts, something for the house/cars/days out we use the joint money. As I was the lower earner,when we first moved in together he paid household bills, I paid council tax.

Wow I don’t think I could live like that. Not just because of the money ‘wasted’ but because of the underlying control- he gets to decide what the family income is spent on and to hell with what you think. The fact that he isn’t even willing to compromise speaks volumes.
My OH earns much more than I do, but we consider it as ‘our’ money and make decisions that best suit our family.

I guess it’s a tricky situation as essentially you both have very different values and priorities. Not sure how they can be aligned when he doesn’t seem to want to budge an inch.

Where does he get time to play 400£ a months worth of video games?! We barely seem to get a chance to watch the old film in our house

People in families have different priorities however most of them compromise especially when presumably it was a joint decision for you to give up work. Did he cut back spending at all when this happened? Also when you have kids most people do prioritise them

I think when one of you gives up work with the other's agreement then the money becomes joint with equal money to spend on yourself. It sounds like he spends disproportionately on himself and nothe you and the kids. And that he is still spending like a single person.

It's not really fair if you're all living in an area you don't like, to subsidise his video game habit. Decisions like where you live should surely be taken as a family.

I think you need equal say over family money or you need to go back to work to get some more control over your money (while he pays for half of childcare) or you split up as at least he couldn't dictate what the maintenance is spent on

Sounds like you're being reasonable not saying he can't have hobbies but asking him to reign it in a bit for the best interests of the family. Do you not have any savings were he to get ill or anything?

The rest of it is completely profligate, but a car would cost a lot more than 150 a month.

It's very selfish of him to spend so much on himself and so little on his family. It should be joint money to be shared equally for the good of the family. Spending should also be discussed and agreed.

Right now it sounds like you and your children are a 'hobby' amongst other hobbies like video games, not a family.

The problem is that he's spending family income on himself, excessively.

Where is your £600-700+ "play money"?

Just because he earns it all, and provides the basics, doesn't mean that he should control all decision making.

It's financially unfair, and not teamwork.

Are you paying into a pension? Ensuring your NI contributions are sorted? Do you have life/illness cover?

He sounds emotionally selfish and immature and it would be a huge dealbreaker for me - I wouldn't want my children seeing that this level of "I earn it, so I get to decide how to spend it" is acceptable.

This should have been part of the discussion you had when you decided one of you was going to stay at home. Maybe it's time you went back to work and he suddenly can't attend / work like he was single? Presumably becoming a father didn't actually impact on him/his life at all, and now you're seeing the behavioural result of that in other areas..?

Jesus. We spend about that a year on those frivolities.
£400 on video games is 8-10 new releases, and they'll be 20-60 hours play each. There's no way he's getting any value out of those.

I imagine he's also eating himself into an early grave.

Uber at £150 is not particularly out of order though, given a lease car would be at least that or likely triple if he had something that he'd "like", probably a high end Audi or BMW going by his other attitudes...

Sounds like you've got an absolute child, OP.

£400 a month on video games.

My exh was similar except we /he didn't have the cash tbh. He was resentful of the dc (mine not his) and the fact I didn't work (only did 1 day). He justified his spending as he earned it he could spend it. Backfired when I found out how much he earned and what little he gave to the 'pot'. Filed for divorce.
Not having a man child was truly uplifting.
If you feel your dc / you are being financially abused he needs gone imo.

Is he overweight? Does he go for drinks at lunchtime or after work a lot? Hence the convenience of not driving.
Can you not set up a standing order for 'Kids Education'.
Also, have you got life insurance policies on top of mortgage insurance?
How the hell will you manage when the kids are older if he can't drive? Does he not ever have to take a turn bringing the kids anywhere, like to activities at a weekend? How do they get to school, what if you broke your ankle and couldn't drive for 6 weeks?
It sounds like you just have another teenage kid and not a husband to be honest.

Thank you all for your replies. It’s just so tricky with money.
I’ll try and answer questions:

Before we married, we each maintained separate accounts and our own savings, paid into a pit for bills etc. I never saw his statements. Since I became a SAHM we got a joint account and I can see spending for the first time!

Re spending money for myself, I’m very frugal and tend to hardly spend anything but that’s by choice. He’s incredibly generous and wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I spent obscene amounts, buys extravagant gifts etc but I never do because I’m the one worried about saving and he would care at all if we blew through savings, went into debt etc. He just think it magically resolves itself.

Re the car, I have a 12 year old banger that I love very much from before kids, so we have a family car already which he would have access to.