AIBU re DH’s spending

[Chipbutty67]

Hi,

I need a sense check about DH’s levels of spending. Not trying to be goody, I’ve only included amounts to give a sense of the extremity, in my opinion.

Background:
DH is from a very wealthy background and his parents spend similarly to him. I’m from a very modest background but whilst I worked, I earned more and was senior to DH. I spend like my parents, quite frugally. I’ve beeen a SAHM for 4 years, no income of my own. DH is a very high earner in a highly pressured job.

We clash all the time about his spending. Despite DH being a high earner, we can’t put our kids in private school or live in a nicer area because he refuses to cut back on , in my opinion, frivolous spending.

For eg he won’t learn to drive but Uber’s everywhere, spending easily £150 a month, if not more. He spends an enormous amount on video games, almost 400 a month. I cook a family meal every single night, based on what he likes to eat. 4 nights a week he’ll then order himself a takeaway after the kids and I are in bed. At least £50 a week. The list goes on and on. New tech, new watches, incessant movie purchases etc.

His arguments are:

• it’s his money, he works very hard and is entitled to use his money as he wishes, which is true
• he already provides the necessities for our family, also true, but I feel like the money could be put to use to improve our kids’ standard of living
• I can’t understand, having grown up in a poorer household. He can’t reasonably be expected to change who he is or be policed by me. Not sure about this one, but it does make me feel guilty.

I hate being a nag or being cheap but every time a bank statement comes in I feel furious.

AIBU and controlling?

It's a lot but what percentage of his take home pay is it?

This is the main question.

Don't get into the thinking that the money is his. He has no more right to spend frivolously than you do.

OP has chosen to not spend though. She has already said her DH wouldn't mind if she did.

How on earth is it possible to spend £500 a month in H&M? misses point

Are PIL new money?

Instead of everything going into the joint account and him spending it from there, he should put x amount per month into the joint account for bills and essentials, then split the rest 50/50 and half of it go into his account and half into yours. You can choose to spend or save your half, he can spend his.

How on earth is he spending so much on video games? 400 seems huge? 150 isn't bad on transport, it could easily cost more than that for insurance, nice car and petrol. Does he save at all or just spend it all?

I agree that it's not his money any more than it is yours but I also don't agree that everything has to be joint. You are both entitled to have some money to yourselves. He's obviously spending a lot but it depends on your income. If you can afford it and you could do the same then I think it's fine. If you don't want to spend money then put it into a savings account for yourself.

@Chipbutty67

Which company, and if possible, do you know the name of the game(s)? I might be able to offer a little insight into how it functions.

Trading real money for in-game currency is ludicrously expensive and almost always gets you nothing except a cosmetic alteration to your character. The only time spending money on a single game repeatedly is really worth it is if it's a subscription based game e.g. World of Warcraft where you pay a monthly £9.99 to continue to play the game.

Your OP kind of implies that as long as the family gets the basics then he feels he can do what he wants. He comes across as really selfish. That would be the issue for me.

None of his excess spending seems to be for nice things for the rest of the family eg gifts, days out, holidays etc.

How will your kids feel when they are old enough to notice that dad can have whatever he wants and doesn’t care enough about anyone else in the family to reduce his spending or use some funds on them

I don't think YABU, no. Except on the car point, him not wanting to spend the time and money so he can drive a 12 year old banger is perfectly reasonable. But otherwise, it's completely fine to object to his attitude. You need to find a middle ground. He could spend a still ludicrous £200 a month on gaming and be putting the rest away for the children's future.

I do have to ask though, would you not be happier going back to work yourself? You sound like you find the lack of control difficult. If you were earning your own money you might find it easier, as there'd be some money that only you get a say over (since the precedent appears to have been already established that the earner gets to spend whatever on whatever as long as the bills are paid).

I think you married down, if I'm being honest.

Sorry.

Maybe concentrate his mind this way. Tell him you want to plan for retirement. Calculate how many years it will take to get there at current savings rate. Also calculate how many years it will take to get there if his spending were switched to savings. Ask him which number of years he prefers to work.

I couldn't live with a man like this but if I did find myself in your situation I'd go back to work and contribute towards the school fees/better area.

How much does he earn roughly?

@Direstraights thanks, I’ll try that

You must have seen what he was like before you married him and then, after living with him, going to on have children with him.

You might not have seen his bank account but you must have seen all the new things he was buying, the taxis, the takeaways, etc. None of this can be a surprise to you.

Yet you chose to marry him, live with him and have children with him. It's a bit much to now want to change him.

The only real problem is that, as you are married, he can use up all your money as well as his own so I would take financial advice as to the best way to protect your own income/assets if I were you.

Apart from that, the only thing you can do is decide if you want to stay in this relationship the way it is because clearly he is not going to change.

I would also be looking at going back to work and at putting money into savings that he doesn't know about.
I think it will get worse when the kids get older since you say he's generous he won't see why giving his children what they ask for is wrong whilst not giving them what they need.
When do you spend time together if he's gaming so much!?
I also think you will start to resent him more when the kids go to school as your seeing all the benefits that having money could bring go down the drain.

@Fairenuff ....well done for posting the most unconstructive and useless comments. What's the OP meant to do after that ......go and bang her head on a wall ffs?! Shit tends to creep into life as you go along, it's rarely all laid out for you to sleepwalk into. Get real!

Thanks everyone, its such a relief to discuss money frankly. He refuses to have any meaningful discussions and id be too embarrassed to discuss it with anyone IRL.
I’ll try to answer questions:

He earns over 100 K, bonuses are variable
No, there is absolute nothing left at the year. If there is, it’s blown on luxury watches etc

I feel bad about saving secretly but it’s what finally allowed us to buy a property (together w my savings from before children and a gift from his parents)

I’m a healthy weight but I do think that’s down to genetics and habit. My beloved granny was very overweight and I watched her subjected to ridicule and judgement so it’s a bit of an emotive topic for me.

@Sethis, you guessed it, it’s WoW

This would bug the shit out of me, sorry. He is basically saying the family has all the basic needs, so everything else is fair game. I hate that attitude (and i'm the one more likely to spend in our house!).

£150 a month on Ubers i can't really pick at...i spend just under that a month on my car & i don't have to worry about paying for parking etc on top.

The rest is insulting. Takeaways after you have cooked? He is basically telling you what you have cooked isn't enough.

£400 a MONTH on games?! That's a lot of money a year on games. That money could benefit the family instead of being chucked at a computer screen. I'm all for having hobbies but that is a piss take imo.

It's interesting that people have called you out for setting up an overpayment on the mortgage without him knowing, as being controlling or not working together. Sorry but right now he is not really working with you is he? At least the money you are using is going on something worthwhile.

If you've got the money to spare but want to spend it on more worthwhile things ....Tell him £6k per annum...one weeks luxury Caribbean holiday for 4 people or an ISA investment for your kids to build a house deposit or a weekly cleaner or a meal out every month at a michelin star restaurant or ....well any number of things. But honestly, gaming and takeaways is really sad.

I’m a bit confused as I don’t think £800 “play” money is that excessive or is he spending more? Agree that £400 on games is a waste but the £150 on uber is the same as travelcard so not that bad.

If he’s parents have a chef surely they will donate some millions for the kids education?

My DH also had two suppers a night when he was young... the difference was he always made the second one himself, at home. He wasn't in the least bit overweight, just needed a lot more calories than I do.

But he must be apetoo much time gaming if he's racking up bills like that. Doesn't he spend any time with you in the evening/weekends?

Jesus just seen your update. So basically if you had not secretly squirrelled money away & had your savings from before, you wouldn't have been able to buy a property??? Wow. That for me would be too much.

apetoo? Wtf. Spending too...

So 4 nights a week he has two dinners? Greedy fucker!