AIBU re DH’s spending

[Chipbutty67]

Hi,

I need a sense check about DH’s levels of spending. Not trying to be goody, I’ve only included amounts to give a sense of the extremity, in my opinion.

Background:
DH is from a very wealthy background and his parents spend similarly to him. I’m from a very modest background but whilst I worked, I earned more and was senior to DH. I spend like my parents, quite frugally. I’ve beeen a SAHM for 4 years, no income of my own. DH is a very high earner in a highly pressured job.

We clash all the time about his spending. Despite DH being a high earner, we can’t put our kids in private school or live in a nicer area because he refuses to cut back on , in my opinion, frivolous spending.

For eg he won’t learn to drive but Uber’s everywhere, spending easily £150 a month, if not more. He spends an enormous amount on video games, almost 400 a month. I cook a family meal every single night, based on what he likes to eat. 4 nights a week he’ll then order himself a takeaway after the kids and I are in bed. At least £50 a week. The list goes on and on. New tech, new watches, incessant movie purchases etc.

His arguments are:

• it’s his money, he works very hard and is entitled to use his money as he wishes, which is true
• he already provides the necessities for our family, also true, but I feel like the money could be put to use to improve our kids’ standard of living
• I can’t understand, having grown up in a poorer household. He can’t reasonably be expected to change who he is or be policed by me. Not sure about this one, but it does make me feel guilty.

I hate being a nag or being cheap but every time a bank statement comes in I feel furious.

AIBU and controlling?

@fairenuff, I was probably naive but we just managed our own money before kids, I had no idea of his salary or outgoings. I knew I was saving through personal choice. I didn’t know if he was. I think I wanted a lot less as well, but now it upsets me that the DCs options are being limited.

High paid jobs can also be precarious jobs too. It's wise to have at least a third of a years wages in savings to cover mortgage etc in the event of job loss while hunting for a new job. Higher level jobs can be fewer and far between ...having some stashed away helps buy time in the event of getting canned.

Hmm, here’s where I stand.

The cost of the Uber’s may be cheaper than running the kind of car he’d want. OP can you cost that one up? I think you might find he’s not spending more there.

Computer games, I love games but the £400 a month is a lot. Is he happy with this spend? If he cut it in half he’d have a extra £2400. That’s a holiday or some super cool new product.

Takeaways, that’s worrying because he’s eating it after a main dinner and it’s super unhealthy. The cost would t worth me as much as the health implications. And I agree adults shouldn’t be ‘policed’ about food but speaking as someone who quite accidentally gained a lot of weight, it takes work to take it off again. Adults should be mindful of over eating when food is so easily available and so high in calories.

So YANBU but I thin the issue isn’t so much money as the instant gratification of all of this. There’s no sense of control or moderation. Does he bring those qualities to anything else in his life? Because they are important.

Now I’m really confused as to what he spends his money on if you have only recently got a property. Does he notice that you’ve squirrelled away money? Can you hide some more? If he brings in approx 7.5k a month what does the majority get spent on?

@tinkobell

That’s my greatest fear!! I’m so worried as I’m not working right now. Unfortunately I am a bit of an anxious person, DH thinks it’s judt me being me and a bit silly to worry so much about savings.

Yes, I think he is expecting an inheritance but quite honestly I’ve seen that situation turn sour before in life so I don’t think we should count on it.

So you had no problem with his lifestyle before you were married, it's just the fact that you thought he would not be so selfish when you had children.

I think you are going to have to have a really serious discussion with him about planning the future for all of you. However, it's very unlikely that he will change based on what you have posted.

It's a tricky one OP.

His attitude to money is worrying and awful, but the unpalatable fact is you can't make him stop being so frivolous. Honestly, I'd go back to work. Is there any reason why that can't happen?

Op - you'd need a bit bigger household income afford private school for x 2 kids. Assume £4K per term x 3 terms x 2 DC's = £24k per annum. But would With tax would need to earn c£50k gross to find just the fees money. It'd be tight with all other living costs to boot, unless you both worked on the sor of cash you've talked about then you'd have no probs.

If you are hiding money and secretly over paying the mortgage then you are partly responsible for the lack of spare cash at the end of the month/year. If you have put it in savings it is you that is stopping the family having extras as much as it is your husband

I personally agree with you.

But essentially you are a saver and he is a spender. There is nothing inherently wrong or better than choosing to save your money for long term goals or spend it on enjoying the here and now.

(I don't know if you watch Shop Well for less, but the most recent episode was an eye opener in how a family could choose to save to buy a house, but chose not to).

I think you have to accept that you may be able to change him slightly (he might, for example to agree to put a certain sum of money into savings) but he's unlikely to change his mindset to being the same as yours. Therefore you either put up with it, or separate. (I'd be separating ...)

Several PPs are spot on: it sounds as if your DH has an emotional insecurity that expresses itself in overeating and lavish spending on computer games, which seems to be his only hobby. You became a SAHM 4 years ago, which suggests your DC is/are preschool age, so the private school decision is theoretical at this stage.
I'm cautious about spending money too, my DM was pathologically frugal, but when money is available I try to relax and enjoy it.

What I'd be most worried about is your DH's health/weight, and I'd be seriously offended at the consumption of takeaways after I'd made the effort to cook meals he likes! I would concentrate on the relationship with food, rather than cash. You WNBU to tell him gently that his attitude to your cooking is hurting your feelings, it's setting an unwelcome example to your DC, and you don't want him to have to contend with diabetes on top of a demanding job. That might lead into a wider discussion about anxiety/insecurity/coping with stress. Good luck!

OP, you or your DH will experience one of the following in your lifetime, with 100% certainty:

• become ill
• adultery
• accident (no fault of your own)
• redundancy
• job re-grading/re-location
• children potentially benefiting from an optional significant helping hand (first property, university fees, driving lessons, car, having their own DC)
• economic turmoil in the wider economy
• retirement
• ultimately, death.

When, and how, is your DH's spending going to reflect the likelihood of all those life events?

He's basically just making hay whilst the sun shines, at the long term cost of his entire family. Selfish selfish man.

If I’m being very honest, I’m a bit boring and rigid, I like to plan. I think the fact that he is very spontaneous, impulsive and over the top is what first drew me to him.

I just never thought those qualities would take precedence over the kids and now I feel guilty trying to ‘control’ or ‘correct’ him

Now I'm... confused.

WoW is a subscription. You pay £8.50-9.99 per month. Flat. That's it. Once a year or two there will be an expansion pack for 50 quid. Your annual bill for this game should be 9.99×12 plus an expansion for 50.

Besides the subscription, you can buy cosmetic pets and mounts, but these are finite in number. I think Blizzard sells about 20 of them. Once they've been bought, they're yours forever.

Does he also play Overwatch? It's also by Blizzard, but it's possible to spend huge amounts of cash on that via their reward system.

About the takeaways, I just don’t know why!!! I make it a point to cook only the meals he enjoys so that he doesn’t need to, but he loves ordering Maccy Ds or a doner afterwards. My MIL does this too and the two of them will have insane ‘midnight feasts’ when everyone else is asleep. It’s so bizarre.

@sethis, yes also overwatch, but the statements just say ‘blizzard’

Where else is the money going though?

Does he drink a lot? Uber bills can be the first sign.

I thought the same about his parents being new money. It really sounds as if he has his attitudes directly from home and that there's a great deal of hedonism in there and a fair bit of addictive-type behaviour (the extra meals, the games, his mother's clothes - all seems about gaining some kind of instant gratification).

Oh @Chipbutty67, you sound like a lovely person and this is a very difficult situation. I am 100% on your side but also I know that I'm like you and sometimes that can leave our more generous and free-spirited partners feeling a bit curbed. DH doesn't warn anywhere near what your husband does so I've no idea if this would work for you, but what worked for us was setting up a proper budget, including an agreed amount to go into savings (which we split between a "rainy day" account and an accessible account for things like car repairs and dentist bills etc), and then each getting "pocket money" into our own personal accounts that we're allowed to spend however we like. If you did this it sounds like your husband could still have a really significant amount of money each month which he could spend as he likes and still get that feeling of being able to buy whatever - but you'd also be saving, and you would have your own fund which you could spend as you see fit.

He's a grown man with responsibilities and he can't keep on spending like a bachelor. I agree that it sounds like he's relying on his parents / inheritance (my brother does the same) but those things simply cannot be trusted because anything can happen.

Point out that he's eating his way to a heart attack and that you need to provide for the day he can't work any more.

OP. If I was in your position and I had skills that were in demand, relevant and marketable, I'd honestly get back to work; and organise wrap around childcare. I think your job and financial independence is the only way forward if you think he won't or can't change. Tell him exactly why you want to do this. Do it and then see where the marriage is. Maybe he will step up a bit, maybe not ...who knows. But that route, you are going to have many more options that you've got now. Get him to seek counselling if he's motivated to do so. Good luck!

I would agree that there is nothing wrong with being a spender if you don't have other responsibilities. And I don't mean saving so your dc get an inheritance. I mean saving so they get an easier start in life, opportunities, for extras during their education (which can mount up even if you don't send them private), or just so their lives aren't turned financially as well as emotionally upside down should something happen to him or you. I do think it's a bit morally reprehensible not to save for these things if you can, tbh.

And I actually think - presuming he is an intelligent man - there is actually something almost wilfully self-destructive in his behaviour. It's as if he's tempting fate. It sounds as if there might be quite deep emotional insecurities here, and wider family stuff.

There is a saying in my parts called 'clogs to clogs in three generations' which means one generation starts out poor (i.e. wearing clogs to the mill!), make a lot of money, spend it lavishly and the second generation get used to growing up with tons of new money that is just spent and not saved or invested, then when the gravy train stops the third generation have nothing, no assets or anything, and so it's back to clogs.

You see it all the time, it sounds very like what your husband is like. Where we live is all car-payment LAVISH four-by-fours, endless new clothes, very consumerist society, then it all goes bang to bust every so often.