AIBU re DH’s spending

[Chipbutty67]

Hi,

I need a sense check about DH’s levels of spending. Not trying to be goody, I’ve only included amounts to give a sense of the extremity, in my opinion.

Background:
DH is from a very wealthy background and his parents spend similarly to him. I’m from a very modest background but whilst I worked, I earned more and was senior to DH. I spend like my parents, quite frugally. I’ve beeen a SAHM for 4 years, no income of my own. DH is a very high earner in a highly pressured job.

We clash all the time about his spending. Despite DH being a high earner, we can’t put our kids in private school or live in a nicer area because he refuses to cut back on , in my opinion, frivolous spending.

For eg he won’t learn to drive but Uber’s everywhere, spending easily £150 a month, if not more. He spends an enormous amount on video games, almost 400 a month. I cook a family meal every single night, based on what he likes to eat. 4 nights a week he’ll then order himself a takeaway after the kids and I are in bed. At least £50 a week. The list goes on and on. New tech, new watches, incessant movie purchases etc.

His arguments are:

• it’s his money, he works very hard and is entitled to use his money as he wishes, which is true
• he already provides the necessities for our family, also true, but I feel like the money could be put to use to improve our kids’ standard of living
• I can’t understand, having grown up in a poorer household. He can’t reasonably be expected to change who he is or be policed by me. Not sure about this one, but it does make me feel guilty.

I hate being a nag or being cheap but every time a bank statement comes in I feel furious.

AIBU and controlling?

bridgetreilly

Absolutely, and I work very hard to enable that.

I can totally see why this makes you angry OP. It's very stressful feeling like you're carrying the worry and responsibility for finances which you also feel very out of control of.

It might help you to work out specifically what your priorities are. Is it private schooling, or would a nicer area with good state schools work for you? How much do you want to have in savings to feel secure? When do you hope to pay your mortgage off by?

Then use that as a way to talk about refocusing spending habits as a family. Money being pissed away on video games and takeaways would drive me nuts even if we could afford it tbh. Given that your family has enough to set up savings/overpay mortgage, it sounds like you need to clarify to yourself first exactly what you'd like to save for/prioritise and also work out how much of your anger is the feelings of being out of control/being left to do the emotional labour. This is slightly difficult as it's about your legitimate emotional needs, not just the practicalities of 'if you didn't do x, we could do y'.

Why does he have a second dinner four times a week? That's really odd.

As a gamer myself, I have to ask. Does he play a console or a laptop/PC?

If he plays a console, you can get games one week after release for about 30% less than the cost new. He could also very easily trade those games back in for store credit if they're physical discs.

If he's a PC gamer I literally have no idea how he's spending that much. As a previous poster said, even considering that the new blockbuster AAA releases are £50 per game, each game is going to have at least 20 hours of playtime, more likely closer to 50-200 hours.

How is he working in a demanding high pressure job with a family and getting 20x hours out of 400/50 = 8 games = 160 hours per month of gaming into his schedule??? That's 5 hours per day.

Something's really off about that number. Either he's buying games he never plays, or "Gaming" is being used as a catchall term that includes more than just the games themselves.

Takeaways after you cook dinner is just fucking rude. Never mind the inevitable cardiac arrest given the lifestyle you describe.

@justmatureenough2bdad if he is spending vast sums of real life money on being 'influential' in a fantasy life, then that's a huge emotional problem in addition to a financial one. On his part. If he's an adult he needs to take ahold of himself and join the real world!

If ye can afford his treats i just dont see the issue. Itd be worse if he was drinking / gambling it away.
The issue is your differing attitudes to money. Sit down and ye both need to meet half way. Seriously being a nag or seargent major to him is patronising and a bit controlling. Have an open frank discussion and if ye are strong as a couple it will work out !!

Well, I don't see why your kids should go to private school or why you would worry about them not doing so.

While I hate gaming and the culture around it, I can't in good conscience
judge him for it; he can afford it and he likes it.

But I think that much money on Ubers, not to mention the air pollution and use of fuel, is obscene. I don't drive either but I get the bus and tube.

And I think him having two dinners four times a week is really weird. Is he still hungry after family dinner? Or is he just making a point/spending for the sake of it?

Hmm. TBH I wonder if the problem is that you are ostentatiously tight, given that your household income is high. If you are forever tutting and sighing and reminding him that you knit your own clothes from your armpit hair and don't need hobbies or outings because you are Mature and Sensible, then some of his spending might be a reaction to that. Knowing how to be economical is a useful skill, but performance frugality when there is spare money is shitty to live with.

The other thing is, if your kids are in achool can you not not go back to work? It would help with the financial burden.

I think you are doing the right things. You've sorted out savings and mortgage - you don't mention pensions and life insurance but make sure that's all stored.

Beyond that, if you still have enough money to go around and he doesn't resent spending money or you or the children, then I'd try to resolve myself to it.

You mentioned private school but was else would you want to do with the extra money?

Was he privately educated?

If it wasn't impacting on daily life then I'd say leave him to it, but you allude to educating DC privately not being possible based on his spending and so if that is something you want to do then you need to compromise.

I'm a spendthrift by nature and share the thoughts of your DH that these things resolve themselves so I am sympathetic to his POV and whilst I would t blow £400 a month on video games I probably spend similarly on books, candles and bitsz

Ok, trying to address all the questions.

Yes, he is overweight and unhealthy but I would never ever judge him on that. Might sound hypocritical coming from me given this thread, but I believe adults should not be policed on their food/ exercise.

No, he didn’t go to private school, as PiL don’t believe in them. I did, but I’ve thought long and l hard on the issue, and I don’t think private is necessarily better, I would like it to be an option for Dc as they get older.

Given his privileged background, I'm surprised at the nature of his spending and the kind of stuff he's spending his money on. He sounds like a posh boy. Computer games and endless takeaways sound weird. Is he depressed OP? I ask this because the takeaways x 4 days a week sound like comfort eating on top of dinner. Before he knows it he's going to be obese and in bad shape to hold down a top job!
Also the gaming sounds like an addiction or escapism on a big scale. I'd get him down the GP. Honestly he sounds unwell. These spends to me sound like a self-medication. Something's wrong, he's an unhappy guy....,this funny spending is symptomatic of an illness.

My husband and I have been together for years. I was the higher earner and now he is. We, like you, are miles apart on spending (I was the ‘frivolous’ one, he was the ‘tight’ one). We argue too. We rarely do now. It’s to do with me leaving work and being a bit more conservative but also our online banking access and having the same ideas for the children. Not sure if it will work for you. I exported the bank statement each month for a few months and dumped it in excel and analysed it. I put stuff in must haves, nice to haves etc. I sent it to him (because we couldn’t talk about it without arguing) When I saw how much we were spending that we didn’t need, I cut back, but he has also come round on holidays and some other things. We still are miles apart on some stuff eg cars, but are better aligned on the day to day. I also (autonomously) opened a joint savings account and called it family savings , and I had a monthly direct debit for quite a significant amount of our income every month etc. That seemed to work too (I suppose with him if you did that it means he has less to spend) for me it meant we could go overdrawn if we did not transfer the money back - so it made me think about the value of money more. Hope you find a solution! But remember it’s a very nice problem to have!

@Sethis
He’s a PC gamer, I think most of the money is used to buy ‘acheivements’ or currency in the game? The statements just show the name of the gaming company.

It's a lot but what percentage of his take home pay is it? How much is getting spent on other things for you and the kids?
Uber is saving money or would cost a lot more than that to run a car.
Gaming isn't for me and seems excessive but is it his only hobby?
Takeaways is a piss take.

Brilliant point reanimated sgb !

@SilverBirchTree

"if he is spending vast sums of real life money on being 'influential' in a fantasy life, then that's a huge emotional problem in addition to a financial one. On his part. If he's an adult he needs to take ahold of himself and join the real world"

it's not necessarily a "huge emotional problem" at all... it's as easily comparable to reading fantasy/science fiction as a form of escapism (which maybe he needs working a high-pressure job, financially responsible for his family and getting a hard time from his partner)

it could be a "huge emotional problem" in the form of depression in which case the ever-so-casual "he needs to join the real world" is a pretty deluded and dismissive viewpoint...

His parents don't believe in private school and he is in a high paying job having attended a state school so he almost certainly agrees with them on that matter.
£150 a month on taxis seems high but many people spend significantly more just on fuel before considering any of the other expenses of car ownership and if you shared a car it is likely that one of you would still need to use a taxi on a fairly regular basis so the cost and time of learning to drive probably isn't worth it.
£400 on video games is unhealthy spending and needs to change but at that level he is either using it as a stress release or has an addiction.
More generally by the time the children are in secondary school (private primary is completely unneeded) there is no reason for you to not be working so the household income should be higher anyway.

I think £150 a month will be cheaper than keeping an additional car.

I did not relax my frugal habits until after I had enough money saved to pay all my bills for the rest of my life, so it would have driven me nuts to live with someone like this. The only mitigation would be if he has a reasonable expectation of inheriting a few millions before his own retirement age.

(Because I spend 30 years never having a work contract that promised more than 12 months work, my mental outlook was that every monthly payment I received needed to go into a pot that would last me for the rest of my life, my income was never for immediate discretionary spending, until I could pay the bills with the dividends on my investments. My luxuries were a Sky subscription and one weeks holiday a year.)

I would be more worried about the health aspect of the takeaways than the financial one.

It's not HIS money. It's your family money. You are using your time right now to raise the family and look after your husband and the house. Your contribution has value. Don't get into the thinking that the money is his. He has no more right to spend frivolously than you do.

Yes, he is overweight and unhealthy but I would never ever judge him on that. Might sound hypocritical coming from me given this thread, but I believe adults should not be policed on their food/ exercise.

Fair enough, but what do you think about him eating two dinners? Have you talked to him about it? What does he say?

*His arguments are:

• it’s his money, he works very hard and is entitled to use his money as he wishes, which is true *

No, it's not true. He works out of the home to earn money for his family. You work in the home raising the family and keeping things running (though I presume those things are shared when you are both there).
In the same way the home and kids are also his, the money he earns is yours as well.
He sounds like a twit.

How over weight and unhealthy op? Are you also overweight or are you a healthy weight?

I'd also be less concerned about the financials of this one, and more concerned about the health impacts and the message he is sending his kids, I get they are in bed, but they will come to know he has two dinners at least four nights a week.

I don't think that's policing or judging, but I'd be having a word about that.