AIBU re DH’s spending

[Chipbutty67]

Hi,

I need a sense check about DH’s levels of spending. Not trying to be goody, I’ve only included amounts to give a sense of the extremity, in my opinion.

Background:
DH is from a very wealthy background and his parents spend similarly to him. I’m from a very modest background but whilst I worked, I earned more and was senior to DH. I spend like my parents, quite frugally. I’ve beeen a SAHM for 4 years, no income of my own. DH is a very high earner in a highly pressured job.

We clash all the time about his spending. Despite DH being a high earner, we can’t put our kids in private school or live in a nicer area because he refuses to cut back on , in my opinion, frivolous spending.

For eg he won’t learn to drive but Uber’s everywhere, spending easily £150 a month, if not more. He spends an enormous amount on video games, almost 400 a month. I cook a family meal every single night, based on what he likes to eat. 4 nights a week he’ll then order himself a takeaway after the kids and I are in bed. At least £50 a week. The list goes on and on. New tech, new watches, incessant movie purchases etc.

His arguments are:

• it’s his money, he works very hard and is entitled to use his money as he wishes, which is true
• he already provides the necessities for our family, also true, but I feel like the money could be put to use to improve our kids’ standard of living
• I can’t understand, having grown up in a poorer household. He can’t reasonably be expected to change who he is or be policed by me. Not sure about this one, but it does make me feel guilty.

I hate being a nag or being cheap but every time a bank statement comes in I feel furious.

AIBU and controlling?

What do you class as a "very high earner"? If he's earning at least £150k (which is what I would describe as a "very high earner") then I don't see how his spending is that much of a problem? £150k = £7500 take home per month - you should easily be able to afford a house in a nice area plus private school on that.

OP says it's over 100k, which makes me think it's in that region rather than close to 150k. If he's spending £800 a month on crap, that's not likely to be enough to pay for private school, but it's the sort of money that could make a significant difference to their kids futures or housing prospects even if he were to still keep half of it to fritter.

OP there's generally one spender and one saver in each family. Unfortunately you can't change his basic nature.
Would it work if you deemed the income as household money and each of you then got an allowance into a personal account ? You could use yours for savings and he can fritter his away.

Re the cars though tbh I think you've dodged a bullet on that one. DH is obsessed by cars and likes to have a new one every couple of years. I dread to think how much money we've spent over the years. To the extent that even when my car was getting replaced, I've ended up with something probably about twice what I wanted to spend so that DH will be ok to drive it when the mileage on his lease car is up before the contract. Having said that though DH is sensible when it comes to the big things like paying off the mortgage and saving for pension.

OP, you've said that he'd be perfectly happy for you to spend a similar amount of money but you don't want to. You would like your children to be privately educated but presumably, given that's he was state educated from principle, he doesn't agree with you so he's never going to make that a financial priority.

As pps have pointed out, his Uber use probably works out cheaper than running a car so again not so unreasonable. That leaves us with the gaming and the take aways. Would you feel the same about the gaming if it was a physical hobby, eg squash or golf? The latter is a very expensive hobby that would probably cost more.

The food really is an issue, partly from a health point of view and partly because it must be really disheartening to cook a nice meal only to have a cheap takeaway ordered shortly afterwards. I'd tackle that one because it's about a lot more than money.

Is there £800 a month available for you to fritter away OP? If there's not, if you having fritter money would lead to him losing some of his, the comment about him being happy for you to spend a similar amount is a bit hollow really.

The video games are insane, surely he must have stacks and stacks of games he no longer plays? Could you start to re sell some of these.

As for take away a, can’t he just make himself a sandwich?

Do you also get ‘you’ money to the tune of £800?

Surely the cost of running OP's car should be offset against the Uber's? So it's not £800, more like £600.

Could you go back to work and have him at home? Really the money should be shared anyway so after bills and essentials you should each get equal spending money.

Hi op

I think your problems are bigger than any budgeting advice can sort out. It sounds like you’ve been able to put up with - even enjoy - your partners very different approach to money and life before you had children. But now you have been drawn into a much tighter unit since having children, and you giving up work. It forces you to have to think and operate as a single unit rather than two independent people. And you are the one who has taken the hit financially.

For what it’s worth, rather than focusing on his speedy habits, maybe you could talk about your shared goals. Where do you want to be in 5 - 10 years? What are your plans for education, both school and uni for children? Where are your pensions at? Are there any debts you need to pay off? What are your family plans in the short, medium and long term? Once you have your goals agreed, then how are you going to achieve them? Because if you can show on paper that you can achieve these goals AND have £400 a month to spend on gaming AND give you equal spends, then ok he can keep doing it. But if you can’t, then you both need to make some sacrifices.

But if your DH isn’t interested in any of this... that would be a deal breaker for me. Because that’s the essence of being a team together, working towards yr shared goals together, and enjoying them when you get there.

Jesus, his video gaming spending is 2/3rds of my expendable income...

thanks everyone. This thread has made me realise that I can’t just not set goals because DH isn’t interested - I’m going try and work out a 5 year goal and as long as I can meet it, stop worrying about what DH is spending on.

Sorry, I explained the Uber’s badly - he has a travel card and we have a family car, but he can’t be bothered with either so will take Uber’s on top, rather than instead of.

Right, off to start dinner.

If someone earns 100K to 150K and doesn't have anything left at the end of the year - that is, no savings - something is seriously wrong.

I'm not sure how much you overpay on the mortgage now but could you ensure that it matches or exceeds the £700-odd that he spends each month?

I was able to pay off my mortgage after 5 years by overpaying while I was on a high salary and being pretty frugal compared. Circumstances changed, as they inevitably do, and I now earn a pittance so I'm really glad I didn't get sucked into spending everything I earned on 3K handbags, taxis etc like some of my colleagues (This is not meant to offend those who can't buy a house but to help the OP based on the description of her circumstances).

I think StandardBelle's suggestion of focussing on shared aims / goals or in his world 'rewards' is a good one.

It avoids criticising him or telling not to / how to spend money, and brings him into some team thinking.

Is he addicted to spending money on these games? It sounds a bit like gambling, these ,mystery boxes' etc. In-game purchases in the heat of the moment really are like gambling, as far as I can see.

Can you secretly drug him - put sleeping pills in his dinner so that he goes to bed instead of staying up all night gaming and eating takeaways? (only half joking)

I know of people on far lower incomes than that spending, maybe not similar amounts, but silly amounts on the same kinds of things.
Men on minimum wage jobs getting taxis everywhere, takeaways and spending on toys.
Women same, but spending on clothes and shoes.
I still think the numbers don't add up - you should still have plenty left at the end of the year.

What are you doing with the other 5000 plus a month that you don't have any money left at the end of the year?

Like a PP said, you have a marriage problem, not (just) a money problem. You do not have common goals or a common future plan it seems.

I would also be thinking about going back to work, he does’t sound like a man I would like to be dependant upon.

Out of curiosity, does he pull his weight around the house? Does he take care of his children? Or does he just sit there playing games?

Sorry, I didn’t realise there were more questions.

Re the numbers adding up, we do have unavoidable commitments. I have elderly parents and he has a terminally ill parent in different countries so we fly a lot, during the school holidays (DS1 is in primary), with the kids which is soooo expensive, but that’s an expense we both agree is important to us.

Laureline, unfortunately I agree with you, and have been applying to go back to work FT as I don’t want to be financially dependent any longer

I am finding this thread very interesting, seeing the different responses, and the op has been very candid about her own outlook on spending/saving.

Sometimes the ‘what was he like before you married him?’ questions don’t tell the full picture. Op is now stay at home, so one salary presents a different framework to what went before. Not only the loss of an income, but the danger of that income earner losing his job or becoming ill.

Presumably the DP continues on an upward trajectory so his earnings and bonuses will be greater than before they were married.

Add children in, the prospect of expenses like activities, school trips, private schools being an option or not, university.

The op drives ‘an old banger’ whereas £5k worth of games per annum would go a long way to upgrading a new car - a very reasonable aspiration for a household earning £100k per year.

Op, I am going through a separation at the moment with my ex who was (is) a high earner with expensive tastes and habits, and a challenge I am facing is his habits have not changed a bit even though there are two households to now maintain.

Would you be able to investigate financial planning with an advisor? It is madness imho if you get to the end of the year and it’s all gone.

You do sound a bit like me though; your frugal habits and attitudes are ingrained from your upbringing and if you were married to a millionaire you might feel just the same. Even if I won the lottery, I don’t think I could bring myself to spend ‘wantonly’. It just seems so wasteful.

@SnipSnipMisterBurgess

I think I will see a financial planner, just to set my mind at ease. I know it’s wrong but on some level I still fell it’s not my money to go off and discuss. I know I overpay the mortgage, but that’s in joint names and taken with joint savings, whereas this is just DH’s salary

Until you go back to work take out the same amount of money he is spending on his extras each month for yourself. If he only spends it when it's there he can't spend it when it's not. Put it in a savings account in your name as your share of the family money. It's up to you what you choose to do with that money. It will also make you feel better as you will have a nest egg against a rainy day. IMHO you shouldn't tell him what you've done with the money though so he doesn't think he can just dip into it as and when he wants something.

I would also definitely agree that you should go back to work yourself. You don't share the same long term goals and this is annoying you now, in a few years it may be that you can no longer face living with someone who has such differing priorities.

Being profligate whilst the money is there is one thing, unfortunately if he lost his job then I doubt he would be able to modify his habits and you and your children could end up losing your home.

So you are taking out of savings to overpay the mortgage? I would only overpay the mortgage out of current surpluses, ie standing order out of his pay at the start of the month. Would you not be wiser to put what savings you have (split them) into longer term investments? If affordable and there is no penalty to do so, and you are in your ‘home for life’, do top up your payments, but I’d be looking to ringfence the savings for medium/long term if I were you.

It would annoy me that he thinks that once he provides the "necessities", ie the basics, for his family, then he gets to live a life of luxury with the surplus. Unless he spends similar amounts on presents/trips/clothes etc for you and the kids?