AIBU re DH’s spending

[Chipbutty67]

Hi,

I need a sense check about DH’s levels of spending. Not trying to be goody, I’ve only included amounts to give a sense of the extremity, in my opinion.

Background:
DH is from a very wealthy background and his parents spend similarly to him. I’m from a very modest background but whilst I worked, I earned more and was senior to DH. I spend like my parents, quite frugally. I’ve beeen a SAHM for 4 years, no income of my own. DH is a very high earner in a highly pressured job.

We clash all the time about his spending. Despite DH being a high earner, we can’t put our kids in private school or live in a nicer area because he refuses to cut back on , in my opinion, frivolous spending.

For eg he won’t learn to drive but Uber’s everywhere, spending easily £150 a month, if not more. He spends an enormous amount on video games, almost 400 a month. I cook a family meal every single night, based on what he likes to eat. 4 nights a week he’ll then order himself a takeaway after the kids and I are in bed. At least £50 a week. The list goes on and on. New tech, new watches, incessant movie purchases etc.

His arguments are:

• it’s his money, he works very hard and is entitled to use his money as he wishes, which is true
• he already provides the necessities for our family, also true, but I feel like the money could be put to use to improve our kids’ standard of living
• I can’t understand, having grown up in a poorer household. He can’t reasonably be expected to change who he is or be policed by me. Not sure about this one, but it does make me feel guilty.

I hate being a nag or being cheap but every time a bank statement comes in I feel furious.

AIBU and controlling?

I don't think he's necessarily wrong. It's not as though the bailiffs are at the door. He's not saying you can't buy nice things either. It sounds like the money is there so I can't really see the issue with him spending it.

I try to curb it in practical ways - I’ve set up a savings account for DC which gets topped up on payday so he doesn’t see the money, I’ve secretly set up an overpayment on our mortgage ( feel utterly ridiculous writing that) and I constantly sell discarded tech/ cuff links/ ties etc on eBay.

Surely it depends on how much he earns. sorry if ive missed that bit. If he earns £150,000 a year then I don't see a problem with his spending, however if he earns only £70,000 a year then yes, he should cut down and allow his family to use the money more wisely. Why don't you spend the same? Does it all go? Do you save? we need more information. I'm hoping you don't come back and say he earns £50,000 or less because then that would be awful and reckless.

@Shoxfordian I think you’ve summed up his side really well, and I do understand his point

So ask him if you can have £500 a month for holiday fund..

I'm going to go against the grain here.. It is his money to use how he pleases and video games my partner is the same as much as I hate it he points out that its the same as doing any other activity as at the end of the day its something he enjoys. If he can't do what he enjoys what is the point of it all.

I know that you want to move areas what does he think to this it might be he isn't interested in moving otherwise you would do the necessary cuts to do so..

I think you're acting like his parent in some ways. I'd be annoyed if my partner secretly changed the mortgage deal or thought they could set up direct debits so I didn't see the money. That last comment does make me think you're being controlling.

The driving thing is not a big deal, and I hate the idea of forcing someone to drive. If someone doesnt want to be driving, I'd rather they be sensible and recognize that, not be on the road. Plus £150 isn't that much at all, when you consider cost of a car, insurance, MOT, parking and petrol. I hate driving, so despite holding a license I use taxis. It's not more expensive.

You need to work out what you’re owed as a stay at home mum. You’re sacrificing your earnings to take care of your children - BOTH of your children.

The rest sounds a bit extravagant but if he's earning mid six figures, say, then it all sounds like a rounding error and you should focus your energies elsewhere. But..

he won’t learn to drive but Uber’s everywhere, spending easily £150 a month

This sounds reasonable. I drive a banger but with servicing, insurance, tax, fuel, tyres, etc it is easily more than that to run a car.

Ubers, extra dinners, video games.

Is he very overweight and unfit?

Can’t he cycle, eat family meals and take his children running to the park like a normal adult?

It sounds like you are describing a spoilt teenager.

Weird, I've never met a wealthy person having these kinds of spending habits.

Anyway, you've got a man-child on your hands. I'd struggle to have sex with such a fella.

I don't think his spending is excessive but it does depend on his income. However, putting his love of spending before his children's education would be a major issue for me as there's no way I could consider state educating my children.

Ubers: if you've got the money, I think this is fair enough.

Videogames: ridiculous amount, but I can't get worried about it unless it's causing you financial problems.

Takeaways after you've cooked: that is just plain rude.

OP, I think you do have to recognise that you have very different attitudes to money and providing there is no serious debt building up, or whatever, that is okay. You might need to start talking to him about e.g. saving for kids' university fees, or making sure that you've got enough in savings for retirement. But in terms of what you spend today's available money on, he is allowed to buy stuff and you need to not resent that.

there's no way I could consider state educating my children.

Aren't you the princess?

Thanks for all the replies.

I agree, I’m a planner and left to my own I can be quite controlling about things. I’ll happily admit I also have quite a warped view of money as my parents were frugal to an extreme and saved almost everything. I’ve also seen the miserable effects of not having retirement savings in my distant family and it’s scared me.

I do try very hard not to make him feel judged or nagged but I think I need to make peace with the fact that we just have different attitudes to money and spending priorities.

I think it's great that you're taking sensible precautions like overpaying the mortgage and so on - because if he hasn't noticed then he stays happy and you know that you are doing something towards a rainy day.

One thing you haven't mentioned though is your pension. I'm guessing that your dp is getting a healthy pension through work and is paying too much for you to get child benefit... so have you either registered so that you are accruing NI/pension credits (sorry, don't know their proper name) or that you're getting child benefit and your dh is sorting out the tax side through self assessment? Also, I think that you should be able to pay into a pension scheme yourself, albeit using money earned by your dh. Might be worth looking into and sweeping some into a pension for yourself - whether or not you tell him/ask him/present it as a fait accompli I don't know!

Sounds like he's a spender, not a saver, and wealthy people don't tend to get or stay wealthy like that. Do you know what his parents were/are like with money? Has he never really learnt the value of money because there was always plenty, or, were they always careful and thoughtful about spending so he's reacted with, now I've my own money I'll do what I like with it?

I'm going to suggest you try to do some long term planning with him. I am guessing that he is not much of a planner (sorry if I'm wrong!) Try to avoid making it about what he spends now, just focus on, I'd like to think about what our goals for us and our family might be in the next 5 / 10 /15 years, and how we might achieve them.

Education is obviously a big part of that sort of discussion, as well as moving house (or not), size of family, career plans, when and to what extent you go back to work etc etc. And maybe a cross check on life insurance and retirement savings. See if you can put dreams and aspirations on the page and work out where you meet up on them, what is important to one or both of you. And then talk through what might be needed to make those important aspirations achievable.

I wonder, was he privately educated himself? Is he perhaps assuming that it will just be possible? Or expecting that his parents will pay for it at some point? Or, if he was state educated, does he see no need to spend anything extra on education? (the latter of course being patently foolish, as there are lots of meaningful ways to enrich your children's education as they get older, depending on their interests and abilities, whether that be music lessons, sport, art, tutoring, private school, holiday camps or all of the above!).

Frugality can go too far, and we are sometimes at risk of that as we boh have saving instincts - but on the other hand that has meant that we have a nice house and two children at boarding school - albeit on bursaries - without feeling our own lifestyle is particularly compromised.

Good luck finding a way forward.

the fact that he's spending the money on video games isn't really relevant (for all those questioning maturity etc)... there will be people spending that on hobbies like cycling or coding or car restoration etc

on the face of it though, it does seem a high amount, but difficult to contextualise without knowing what it is as a percentage of household income.. you say he is a high earner, so it could be a small fraction of your income... and he is allowed to spend some of it...

additionally, despite being a previous high-earner, you now seem to believe that providing for quality of family life is HIS responsibility... but you are denigrating his need for quality of life.. maybe he does have an underlying idea that if he continues in this way, you will feel compelled back to work and with your high-earning capacity, quality of life will improve all round..... on the other hand, maybe he just needs to spend this money to help address his emotional needs to help cope with the financial responsibility for you and your chiildren

i think you paint a very one-sided picture... he isn't just a cash machine for whatever you feel is appropriate... he is a person with emotional needs.. maybe being able to spend money on (i'm guessing ) and online game to build a strong/powerful/influential character/persona is what is keeping him sane...it's his "safe" place (particularly since you are giving him a hard time)

oh and did he go to private school?

Would he like his dc to go to private school?

Can you discuss it with him without mentioning money to start with, so that he wants it to happen - because starting from a point of 'we'd like our kids to go to private school which should be easily doable on a salary of ££££ and is the sort of thing that most of our contemporaries are doing - let's see how we can make it work' is a very different conversation from 'I want dc to go to private school which means that you need to stop buying computer games and taking ubers'!

However, putting his love of spending before his children's education would be a major issue for me as there's no way I could consider state educating my children.

More fool you tbh. Private doesn't always equal best.

OP Without knowing what he earns or saves it's hard to say if he is being unreasonable or not.

@InertPotato, I think that’s why I didn’t really understand the difference in our financial backgrounds before we married. For example, PIL actually have a chef come in daily, but just love takeaways so that’s all we had when we visited. MIL will spend 500 in H&M in a day, and redo her wardrobe monthly but wont spend the same amount on fewer items anywhere nicer.

I just think it's wrong of you to make unilateral decisions like the mortgage and not tell him. It's completely wrong not to treat him like an equal.

That spending would drive me mad. I hate seeing money wasted. That's thousands a month that could be spent on investments that would secure your wealth for generations.

Is he overweight OP?

I am usually all for sharing money but maybe you need to quarantine his stupidity while also giving him a sense of freedom. Could you get him a credit card or a bank account with a monthly limit that you can both live with, and then leave him to it?