AIBU re DH’s spending

[Chipbutty67]

Hi,

I need a sense check about DH’s levels of spending. Not trying to be goody, I’ve only included amounts to give a sense of the extremity, in my opinion.

Background:
DH is from a very wealthy background and his parents spend similarly to him. I’m from a very modest background but whilst I worked, I earned more and was senior to DH. I spend like my parents, quite frugally. I’ve beeen a SAHM for 4 years, no income of my own. DH is a very high earner in a highly pressured job.

We clash all the time about his spending. Despite DH being a high earner, we can’t put our kids in private school or live in a nicer area because he refuses to cut back on , in my opinion, frivolous spending.

For eg he won’t learn to drive but Uber’s everywhere, spending easily £150 a month, if not more. He spends an enormous amount on video games, almost 400 a month. I cook a family meal every single night, based on what he likes to eat. 4 nights a week he’ll then order himself a takeaway after the kids and I are in bed. At least £50 a week. The list goes on and on. New tech, new watches, incessant movie purchases etc.

His arguments are:

• it’s his money, he works very hard and is entitled to use his money as he wishes, which is true
• he already provides the necessities for our family, also true, but I feel like the money could be put to use to improve our kids’ standard of living
• I can’t understand, having grown up in a poorer household. He can’t reasonably be expected to change who he is or be policed by me. Not sure about this one, but it does make me feel guilty.

I hate being a nag or being cheap but every time a bank statement comes in I feel furious.

AIBU and controlling?

Its not just ‘his’ money though is it - it belongs to the both of you and although he would let you spend freely he needs to respect your views on how your joint funds are managed. Maybe create a budget that involves him getting his own ‘spend’ pot that once it runs out then though luck as the remainder is in some sort of locked savings.

We did a pre-marriage course back in the day and the big areas they forced us to talk about really frankly -as in responding in writing to very specific questions were

Money
Sex
Inlaws/family
Children

friend did the same course and she and her future dh had radically different ideas on number of children - just had never come up before then. honestly I think you need to talk about money before committing -even if you have your own.

OP, your dh sounds a bit bananas to me (as do his family). People I know who have money keep it because they invest in property, investments and their children. We have a fair bit of money now and I would faint at the thought of spending 400 a month on video games. We spend on education, investments, charity, and some nice, long-term things for the house. Dh buys really good clothes that last. i don't - but I don't buy h&m either - but I do have very nice jewellery that will last.

In your case if you like him and love him maybe accept that he is going to be profligate but also thinks of the money, correctly, as family money, so siphon off an equal share of money for the family - put it in a joint savings account he doesn't know about.

The eating takeaways after dinner would drive me up the walls. I couldn't stay quiet about that (unless you have him on short rations). This is so unhealthy.

tbh, I also would go back to work - especially since you have some issues with regarding it as your money too.

Just one thing though - spending money like that can often be an attempt to shore up contentment/stave away depression. Both my FIL and my best friend spent like that - it was like a quick temporary fix for depression. Best friend figured out what was going on and dealt with it. FIL never did. He died with a massive credit card bill and an expensive piece of art still in its packaging that he bought when he was pretty much dying.

@SnipSnipMisterBurgess
Technically, the overpayment comes out of salaries, but since our savings by the end of the year are almost 0 (excluding the kids' saving accounts) its almost the same thing.

The problem is that if any savings are left at the end of the year, they get spent by DH. I'm so embarrased to say, one year I saved hard and at the end, DH spent over 12K on two watches. I couldnt say anything, as it was his money, and a present for himself and his DF, but it taught me not to save into easily accessible accounts. At the same time, I'm not confident in selecting investments, so I thought overpaying the mortgage could be a good solution.

but I suppose the question is does he want the kids do go to private school? As if that's not something he agree too then no he's not going to want to put money aside for it. I think it's all about compromise ..... The question is are you putting enough away for the things that you both want for your family. If
Not draw up your argument, sit him
And down and explain you would
Like to put x more away each month- still allowing him amt if money that he can do what he wants with.

You cook a whole dinner and he orders a takeaway late at night... fat pig!

£400 a month on games is obscene, if I were you I would even go through what hes got and sell the old ones. Thats about 8-9 games a month, how does he find the time.

I just read that you have no savings - thats crazy to me that he spends like that and there is no "net" I think I would start asking for a £2,000 allowance each month on top of anything you already spend on just you. I would then put say £1500 into savings.

You need to really grasp the fact that is not his money...
You said it again with the watches...
It is the families money

This level of spending and not saving is financial madness...it really sounds like a MH issue..he's acting like a gambler ..very similar to a functioning alcoholic....just because it's possible doesn't mean it's good...

Take control for you and the DC if nothing else..just keep repeating to yourself it's family money... It seems sad to me he doesn't want to think of your family future. .

£12K on watches!?!

It’s reasonable to enquire about private school and his thoughts on same, as some previous posters have done and if on principle he has an objection. Also the spending on cabs v cost of owning a car. But it’s the spending now on crap that removes future choices from the op. I’d have a fairly principled opposition to spending 12k on watches. It’s not a mad aspiration to have a newish car or be a two car household. I do wonder though is the op by nature very risk adverse but driven to be extra cautious BY his behavior, and hence the mortgage overpayments and general squirrelishness (with which I strongly identify!)