Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want mother in law to be less devastated?

293 replies

greatandpowerfulozma · 07/10/2018 01:10

I’m not sure if I’ve phrased this question correctly but here’s the situation.

I have a one year old DD and currently I live about 15 mins drive from my mil and 3 hours drive from my own family. All of the people around us are linked to DH friends/ family etc. I’m quite isolated.

My mil is and always has been very intense / excited about DD (overwhelmingly so) since she found out I was pregnant. For example she has more toys at her house then we do at ours (and we have loads). She has repeatedly said things this year like “I have meaning in my life again now” and “I’m ready to base my life on my granddaughter”. I’ve tried to make sure she sees DD at least once a week because it means so much to her and I have really valued her help.

Trouble is DH has basically behaved appallingly to the point I have to leave him. He’s had an emotional affair (and possibly slept with other people but hasn’t admitted it) he’s been taking drugs. Been abusing alcohol so he’s basically been hungover this entire year.

I am leaving to be near my family. I can’t stay here. The woman he tried to have an affair with is round the corner and frankly I need the support of my mum. DH is on board he’s moving to London so he can easily come up and see DD on a regular basis.

MIL is devestated though. Her partner told me today she’s been crying inconsolably for the last 3 nights and basically is inconsolable all the time. I’ve said she’s welcome to visit us any time and see DD. I said I wouldn’t leave it to DH to make sure she saw DD (because we all know he won’t bother to make it happen).

I understand that she’s upset but I can’t help feeling that she’s been overinvested from the start and has tried to base too much of her life on DD. I want DD to have a relationship with her but I don’t think I’ll be able to ever be able to facilitate the amount of contact she wants (I already feel that way now)!

AIBU to feel guilty for upsetting her but then also resentful that a lot of guilt has been piled on me when I’m trying to deal with my life falling apart?

OP posts:
whatwouldhappenif · 07/10/2018 22:43

Before I even had DC, MIL told me she was “more than a grandmother” to her grandchildren. I knew she had a big hand in raising SIL’s children because SIL had divorced and moved back in with her and MIL just took over.

I won’t go into it because not my thread but now SIL’s children are teenagers they want nothing to do with MIL. She made them her life and just smothered them until they couldn’t take it any more.

For the grandmother’s own sake she needs to get a life outside her role as grandmother.

Gottagetmoving · 07/10/2018 23:22

I do find her quite demanding and I have always worried she would make my DD feel responsible for her happiness in the future. Which is a lot of pressure for one little girl

Please don't over think this.
All of us have issues. Our parents have issues. None of us have perfect parents or grandparents.
Even people with issues have something to.offer. My mother had massive issues but my daughter had a loving relationship with her.
We can't expect perfection.

Charlie97 · 08/10/2018 08:48

DO NOT facilitate any contact with her her son can do that. I'd change your number and block her on everything. It sounds like she's harassing and trying to continue your abuse.

Tough shit for her. She should have raised him better

^^ some people are just so OTT, these are quotes from two of them! Yet they think you MIL is overbearing!

Pure madness, the MIL hate on this thread is beyond belief.

Some people see MIL like the two above and it =hate!

Kr1stina · 08/10/2018 08:55

Actually I am a MIL myself. When people have a different view from me I like to disagree with them using resoned argument. Not personally attack them, calling them OTT , hate filled and bigotted.

You can always tell when people know they are in the wrong when they resort to name calling.

It always makes me wonder how these people deal with disagreement in RL and why so many of them have family members who go low contact or no contact.

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2018 09:49

You can always tell when people know they are in the wrong when they resort to name calling

Well, no, actually you can't.
Name calling isn't nice and its usually unnecessary .
Saying someone is being OTT isn't name calling. It's an opinion on someone's reaction.
I doubt that someone who is name calling knows they are wrong. They think they are right.

Kr1stina · 08/10/2018 09:57

Yes you are right Gottaget. In fact it’s not that THEY know they are wrong, it’s that others usually know they are wrong.

“ argument weak here, shout louder “

If they had good arguments to promote their point of view they would use them. Rather than say others are hateful or mad.

I don’t think that everyone who things differently” sees DIL and that equals hate”. I don’t hate my DIL.

I think these people have a different opinion from me. I respect their right to hold that view .

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2018 10:05

If they had good arguments to promote their point of view they would use them. Rather than say others are hateful or mad

Some people can't find the words and get frustrated.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/10/2018 10:07

Not personally attack them, calling them OTT , hate filled and bigoted

There have been some hate filled posts on here but the ones that have stood out to me were towards the MIL.

HisBetterHalf · 08/10/2018 10:09

It can be devastating to a grand parent (or any close family member) but there is still Skype to keep in touch on a daily basis

StressedToTheMaxx · 08/10/2018 10:10

You seem lovely and fair OP.
I really think once you are settled and in a routine you will find something that suits all involved.
I just wanted to say make sure you take care of yourself also. You have been through a lot of stress and hurt.
I wish you (and your dd)all the best OPFlowers

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/10/2018 10:20

I think ( and hope ) that once MIL gets her head round the fact that her precious GD is moving away she will do everything she can to accommodate contact with her. I'm sure she's horrified at her sons awful behaviour and only has her DIL and GD at heart. I feel for her, the OP and her DD in this sad situation and I hope it works out for them all.

As a GM and MIL myself I would be devastated in this scenario but would try and put my DIL and GC first.

hoochymama1 · 08/10/2018 10:23

Fulzoma just put yourself and DD first, let MiL negotiate her way round visits etc, she is a big girl, you don't need this drama. I speak as a GM myself. If she really loves you she will find a way to support you and have a loving relationship with your DD Thanks

Carriecakes80 · 08/10/2018 17:29

Its hard because you are obviously very caring and loving, but she will get over it. I went through this when my eldest sons father cheated on me and I had to go back home, I needed my family so totally get where you are coming from. Its wonderful she loves your dd, but yes, she had her time as a Mum, this is your baby, feel no guilt, you go and enjoy your little girl and know you are doing everything 100% right. xxx

Tinkerbell1980 · 08/10/2018 17:29

OP you sound bloody lovely! You've gone through hell but still considerate of others' feelings - wow. MIL will get used to it & (hopefully) make the effort to see your DD. Please just take care of yourself and your daughter, you both need to do what's best for you right now, big hugs xx

Yb23487643 · 08/10/2018 17:30

If it were my son (if I was your mil) I would be upset but firmly blaming my son. Of course she’s upset but it’s not your fault. She’s been lucky to have you so close for so long. Maybe I you get on she could come to visit you for long weekends etc or a few days in summer holidays. It’s nice you’re leaving it open & considering her feelings. She’s got a lot to be happy about in that respect.

BrisaOtonal · 08/10/2018 17:40

A massive drama llama and a drug abusing, alcoholic cheater.
Why don't you move the far side of your parents so you have a little more than 3 hrs between you?

Her drama is not your problem. Tilt head and say sorry to hear this and concentrate on rebuilding your own life which has been turned upside down by both him and his mum.

JustJayne1959 · 08/10/2018 17:42

As a grandparent of a gorgeous 9 year old little boy, I would be devastated if my daughter decided to up sticks and move three hours away!
You haven’t mentioned a grandad so I’m assuming there isn’t one on you m-i-l life. So, I can understand her reaction, especially if she’s her only grandchild. Give the woman some empathy for goodness sake, your husband is obviously an arsehole and perhaps she’s mourning his “loss” too? 🙄

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/10/2018 17:45

BrisaOtonal what's the drama from MIL you speak of? How on earth is she to blame for any of this? Hmm

Jeepy · 08/10/2018 17:47

I agree that some of MIL 's issues are really between her and her son, but are being aimed at your DD and that you must tae care of yourself and your daughter. Make sure MIL knows how to Skype and promise to do that every week, it really helps maintain a bond.

BrisaOtonal · 08/10/2018 17:52

I'd say inconsolable crying and saying she had meaning in her life now deserves some kind of minor acting award at the very least.

Turquoise123 · 08/10/2018 17:54

Had to re-read this - errr you have not upset her.
It's her son that's caused the issue.
I find it odd that her partner is telling you how upset she is - I am struggling to see how this could be seen as helpful to you in the difficult position you are in ?

I wish you all the best

Missingstreetlife · 08/10/2018 17:57

Be fair, she didn't lay the guilt trip on, it was her dh, yes she has got one if you didn't read it. However she does need to back off a bit.
Op clearly is trying to fit her in, which is all she needs to do. Not responsible for grandma.
Anticipate that the contact maybe eventually organised between the women because the dad is feckless, and he will see his child at granny's. Sad but often true.
Just keep it ticking over op, you can wind it up or down later when you see how it goes

ToftyAC · 08/10/2018 18:01

You and your child have to come first. Of course she’s upset, but this is not of your doing and you need your own family right now. You are so NOT BU. Good luck

Crunchetta · 08/10/2018 18:08

I’m in the same boat as you, although I’m not that far from my family, do what is right for you and your DD, don’t feel any guilt, this is your life and your DD will just want mummy to be happy, my arsehole soon to be ex husband is dragging his heels with the financial settlement, I just want it over and to move on with my life, as I’m sure you do, no guilt involved! Chin up and good luck xxx

ScrambledSmegs · 08/10/2018 18:14

OP, unless your MIL actually does say this stuff directly to you or you're absolutely positive that she asked him to speak to you (and how can you be?), I would put the blame squarely on her partner. He should have kept it between them, it's his role to be supportive to her and not to pass it on to you. He probably thinks he's helping in some misguided fashion, but it's not his place to stir up drama.