To want mother in law to be less devastated?

[greatandpowerfulozma]

I’m not sure if I’ve phrased this question correctly but here’s the situation.

I have a one year old DD and currently I live about 15 mins drive from my mil and 3 hours drive from my own family. All of the people around us are linked to DH friends/ family etc. I’m quite isolated.

My mil is and always has been very intense / excited about DD (overwhelmingly so) since she found out I was pregnant. For example she has more toys at her house then we do at ours (and we have loads). She has repeatedly said things this year like “I have meaning in my life again now” and “I’m ready to base my life on my granddaughter”. I’ve tried to make sure she sees DD at least once a week because it means so much to her and I have really valued her help.

Trouble is DH has basically behaved appallingly to the point I have to leave him. He’s had an emotional affair (and possibly slept with other people but hasn’t admitted it) he’s been taking drugs. Been abusing alcohol so he’s basically been hungover this entire year.

I am leaving to be near my family. I can’t stay here. The woman he tried to have an affair with is round the corner and frankly I need the support of my mum. DH is on board he’s moving to London so he can easily come up and see DD on a regular basis.

MIL is devestated though. Her partner told me today she’s been crying inconsolably for the last 3 nights and basically is inconsolable all the time. I’ve said she’s welcome to visit us any time and see DD. I said I wouldn’t leave it to DH to make sure she saw DD (because we all know he won’t bother to make it happen).

I understand that she’s upset but I can’t help feeling that she’s been overinvested from the start and has tried to base too much of her life on DD. I want DD to have a relationship with her but I don’t think I’ll be able to ever be able to facilitate the amount of contact she wants (I already feel that way now)!

AIBU to feel guilty for upsetting her but then also resentful that a lot of guilt has been piled on me when I’m trying to deal with my life falling apart?

If the MIL is reasonable in that she will accommodate the OP in the time and place she sees her GD ( and there's nothing here to suggest she won't - quite the opposite given the relationship she has with her ) then there is no reason for the OP to put a stop to it.

Two reasonable adults should be able to come up with a plan that suits them both and all the while the DD gets to see her GM whom she has a loving relationship with.

Why anyone would oppose to this is beyond me.

Nothing to do with the paternal grandparents not bring important.Everything to do with a grown woman and her husband making the op feel guilty for something that is not her fault. The grandmother should be supportive not beating her with how sad she is

I was referring to the hostile comments from some posters and the cavalier dismissal of a grandparents feelings.
There is no need for OP to feel guilty.

It sounds a very difficult situation. Could you write her a short letter maybe in a card saying a short version of what you say here.
You know she loves DD and you have valued her help. She will always be DD's Grandma and you hope she can continue to see DD on a regular basis. She's welcome to visit you but please contact me to make arrangements rather than leaving it to ex DH.
Your Dd wont always be so young eg in 5 years time a few nights at Grandmas in the school holidays could be beneficial for you all.

Of course, I can understand that MIL is upset about her granddaughter moving quite a bit further away. But her upset does not trump the pain and trauma OP is going through. That is really self-centred and inappropriate behaviour. Of course, she got her DP to call OP and that is emotional blackmail, especially the rather unrealistic expectations of contact. At best it is thoughtless but it really does smack of a very selfish attitude to turn this into her personal drama when she should be showing support to OP over her life falling apart. And why should the onus be on OP to do such a long round trip with a baby! Fine, if she has some appointment or other reason to visit anyway. But apart from that, it should be down to MIL to travel to see her grand child if she is so desperate to see her. And again, within reason and it should be managed from the outset, so that she doesn’t outstay her welcome. Having her stay in B&B or similar, also sets the right tone. As OP moves on with her life, she needs to ensure that ex-MIL isn’t going to be too intrusive. Most of all, the logistics around future contact should not be down to OP to manage but her ex.

Does your MIL Skype because if she could do that a couple of times a week I think she will be happier and it means DD can see her. If she can’t, can you show her.

. At best it is thoughtless but it really does smack of a very selfish attitude to turn this into her personal drama when she should be showing support to OP over her life falling apart

It was her partner that told the OP how upset she is so how do you come up with that?

I agree, @TemptressofWaikiki I can't imagine any other reason why her partner would call the OP. She's the one looking for the contact with her DGD, not her DP after all.

Its a gift for a child to have loving and supportive grandparents. Maybe MIL can provide some practical assistance for you as a single parent in the future with baby sitting or having your child for a week in the school holidays etc.

What you have done however in terms of setting up future plans is enough and please don't allow yourself to be railroaded into onerous commitments.

Just reassure MIL that you intend to make sure she can play an active part in dds life and that you intend to maintain the relationship. And then stop worrying about it.

Add message | Report | Message poster Powerless Sun 07-Oct-18 12:34:34
@Kr1stina When she's at her Dads?????? He's on drugs! She won't be going to her druggie dad at 5 months old! That's the issue 🤷🏼‍♀️

The Op wrote that her child was one year old , not 5 months. And where does she says he’s “ a druggie” and will not have the child ? She wrote

STBXH works in London and has found a flat near his work...... He works at home on a Wednesday so he’s planning to come and stay nearby on Tuesday nights see her then and in the evening on Wednesdays then commute back on Thursday morning. Also will do some weekends when they fit round his hobby

@Kr1stina OP has mentioned that he does drugs! I doubt very much any mother would willingly allow their child to be alone with a drug user

She’s just said that he’s going to do some weekends with the child !

He’s had an emotional affair (and possibly slept with other people but hasn’t admitted it) he’s been taking drugs. Been abusing alcohol so he’s basically been hungover this entire year

Kr1stina there you go.

But the Op says that he’s going to have their child some weekends ?

And taking drugs on some occasions ( which is what the Op said ) doesn’t make him “ a druggie “ ( which is what powerless said) .

He clearly holds down a job. The OP has not suggested that he’s a risk to the child.

You are adding 2 and 2 together and making 22.

If you don’t think the Op should let the child go to him, you need to tell her. No point in @ ing me when I’m just quoting what she said.

I would say OP that you have nothing to feel guilty about. The end of your marriage is down to your STBXH and his awful behaviour.

It's unfortunate that MIL will not be as close (physically) to her DGD as she would have liked, and I can understand why a grandmother would be upset that this situation has occurred and that as a consequence she will see her daughter less than she had anticipated. However, it also sounds like MIL is quite over-invested in her grandchild, and has been over-stepping some marks where it comes to OP (as opposed to just being a loving and involved), which puts a slightly more nuanced slant on this situation. I suspect that while MIL is understandably and justifiably upset, she is also going to be attempting to make her own wants and needs the focus. And it does appear that she is expecting OP to do a lot of the running/organising and travelling, which is not fair at all.

Your MIL's DP was being deeply unfair and thoughtless when he contacted you. I guess we'll never know if he took it upon himself to contact you or whether it was at MIL's instigation. You have to do what is best for your in a bad situation- her upset is not your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

As to what MIL wants (even if not said directly to OP)- the regular contact with her DGD is not unreasonable. However, she also wants that contact to be guaranteed/set in stone AND for her DGD to be brought to her to facilitate contact, rather than her make the trip to see her DGD or even taking it in turns. Both of those things are unreasonable.

Right now OP, it is not unreasonable to not set things in stone- you don't know how things are working out/what the routine will be etc and you don't want to be making a rod for your own back at this stage.

Hi I’ve just about caught up on all this.

Re. The drugs he’s been taking cocaine and mdma with a certain group of friends in London. He says he’s stopped now. I’m not sure he has but he’s certainly calmed down a bit so maybe that’s true. When I mention him seeing DD at weekends it will be with me there as well. Or if he ever does pull his finger out and arrange something with MIL she’ll be there.

I don’t think he’d know what to do with dd on his own tbh. As she gets older I’ll reassess the situation ( I work in child protection actually so trust me I take it very seriously).

Bloody hell I wouldn’t ask for advice on here about mils! Of course she’s going to be upset, she will be worried that her reckless son will disappear and she won’t see her dgc again

In the real world when you have a feckless husband you do tend to deal with gp contact, she doesn’t sound abusive, at least once a week doesn’t sound like loads to me . It’s not like she’s turning up on the doorstep every day and op says she has valued mils help

I wouldn’t commit to set visits but it does sound like you will be seeing her a few times over the next two months any way

And don’t feel guilty, it isn’t your fault and mil isn’t the one telling you that she has spent days crying

For the first few months after DD was born she did show up everyday and she would message me several times a day sometimes. I found it overwhelming. She was trying to help but it was too much for me.

I got DH to have a word with her which really upset her but in fairness she backed off a bit and we got to quite a comfortable once (sometimes twice) a week arrangement. I’m not saying she’s a bad person I just find her too much sometimes.

Obviously I need to talk to her and try and reassure her. A few people have suggested a letter. I think that’s a good idea.

Not sure if she’s ever been diagnosed with a mental health condition but she always has very extreme reactions to things (good and bad) and I do find that hard work.

Sorry if that was drip feeding. All my comments seem so long it’s hard to know how much detail to go into.

Thank you for the comments it’s been helpful to hear others take on the situation.

Also mentioning MH and the messaging stuff in reply to some comments. Sorry I haven’t replied to them all. They are appreciated though x

Honestly, I don't think hers is a particularly "extreme reaction". Three hours is a very long way away from someone you love dearly.

I'm assuming she hasn't contributed to your marriage breaking up (at least, you don't mention it), so she isn't in any way at fault here.

But don't feel guilty - this is all her son's fault, not yours.

I can understand her being upset, I would be. I can understand you being pissed off about that given she has been overwhelming you massively.

You are doing the right thing for you and offering her access so try not to worry about it too much.

You, your DD and your Mil are all being put through the wringer by your STBX’s actions.

None of you are at fault or have done anything wrong but you have to prioritise yourself and DD right now.
Keep arrangements with your Mil flexible as you’ll need time to sort out your new life in your home town and letting her down might cause more drama.
Once you’re sorted. You can arrange regular time together. An involved caring grandparent is a wonderful thing for a child to have. If you can preserve that closeness for DD, it would be a positive force in her life.

Don’t try and do it at your own expense though. You’ve got a huge amount on your plate.

And remember, it’s you ex’s fault this has happened. Not Mil’s ( even if she’s annoying !)

Such horrible comments from people about Mil! This is what I fear one day as I only have 1 ds and therefore will always probably be the less involved grandparent in my gdc lives. It's a shame!

Op you are absolutely doing the right thing moving back to your family but please dont trivialise how your mil feels, her son sounds like a nightmare and now her favourite person in the whole world, her dgd, is leaving. Maybe arrange some video calls and that sort of thing?

Your dd is lucky that she has a dgm so in love with her. It's a sad situation all round.

An involved caring grandparent is a wonderful thing for a child to have. If you can preserve that closeness for DD, it would be a positive force in her life.

I agree with this, on the whole- a loving grandparent is a wonderful thing indeed. However, there are some aspects to OP's MIL behaviour, things she's said- "I am ready to base my life on my grand-daughter", for example- that would give me some cause for disquiet that this relationship is actually more about MIL's needs/wants or fulfilling some void for her. It could just be the way she expresses her feelings, in a slightly dramatic way. Or it could be that she is somewhat over-invested and that is something OP would need to keep an eye on.

I do always feel like it’s a filling a void thing. She had quite a messy divorce and ended up living with her parents for a while during it. They did childcare for her and so they saw her kids everyday and as a consequence she wanted to see DD everyday.

I did say she doesn’t have a mental health issue but everyone mentions her having a “breakdown” when DH left for university. So I do wonder if she has suffered from depression in the past.

I do find her quite demanding and I have always worried she would make my DD feel responsible for her happiness in the future. Which is a lot of pressure for one little girl.

do find her quite demanding and I have always worried she would make my DD feel responsible for her happiness in the future. Which is a lot of pressure for one little girl.

I think you are right to have that concern, from what you have said here. I do wonder if she (perhaps subconsciously) uses her moods/getting upset/depressed/tears to control things around her. I don't know, I may be way off- I just find some of what you says raises some alarm bells to me that, as I said, this is more for MIL's benefit than your DD's.