To want mother in law to be less devastated?

[greatandpowerfulozma]

I’m not sure if I’ve phrased this question correctly but here’s the situation.

I have a one year old DD and currently I live about 15 mins drive from my mil and 3 hours drive from my own family. All of the people around us are linked to DH friends/ family etc. I’m quite isolated.

My mil is and always has been very intense / excited about DD (overwhelmingly so) since she found out I was pregnant. For example she has more toys at her house then we do at ours (and we have loads). She has repeatedly said things this year like “I have meaning in my life again now” and “I’m ready to base my life on my granddaughter”. I’ve tried to make sure she sees DD at least once a week because it means so much to her and I have really valued her help.

Trouble is DH has basically behaved appallingly to the point I have to leave him. He’s had an emotional affair (and possibly slept with other people but hasn’t admitted it) he’s been taking drugs. Been abusing alcohol so he’s basically been hungover this entire year.

I am leaving to be near my family. I can’t stay here. The woman he tried to have an affair with is round the corner and frankly I need the support of my mum. DH is on board he’s moving to London so he can easily come up and see DD on a regular basis.

MIL is devestated though. Her partner told me today she’s been crying inconsolably for the last 3 nights and basically is inconsolable all the time. I’ve said she’s welcome to visit us any time and see DD. I said I wouldn’t leave it to DH to make sure she saw DD (because we all know he won’t bother to make it happen).

I understand that she’s upset but I can’t help feeling that she’s been overinvested from the start and has tried to base too much of her life on DD. I want DD to have a relationship with her but I don’t think I’ll be able to ever be able to facilitate the amount of contact she wants (I already feel that way now)!

AIBU to feel guilty for upsetting her but then also resentful that a lot of guilt has been piled on me when I’m trying to deal with my life falling apart?

@thisneverendingsummer “This woman is a PITA, and she has no right to demand that you stay near her so she can have full dibs on your child”

You are projecting from your own experience, that's not what's happening here.

If MIL likes a PLAN (and tbh I think its not unreasonable to want a bit of a plan, it kind of makes things happen), I would make them separately and unrelated to your stbex's non-plans (which sound waaaay to loose and stressful to involve anyone else in). And tbh it sounds like you've got one - Halloween is less than a month away, she can pop up in November and you can go around Christmas. She can visit in between if she gives you some notice, yeah? and she can skype? It is enough.

My mum used to live at a similar distance and visited once every 3-4 weeks for 2 nights whilst the children were small and they have the most strong and lovely relationship. It will be fine.

Banana as the DD is living with her mum it wouldn't make sense for MIL to arrange contact with her DS. I can't understand how anyone would imagine it did.

As long as MIL and DIL can sort out contact in a way that suits them both there's nothing wrong with MIL going through her DIL.

He said what would make her feel better is if me and DD were committed to coming to stay with her every couple of months.
We you are - at Halloween and at Xmas. Thereafter you'll make new plans.

MIL is upset, but so many people seem to be piling on and saying she's creating drama. It doesn't sound like she's demanding anything.I think

OP's natural tendency to put others first is the issue. MIL will cope. You have a plan.

Op, I think you're handling this problem brilliantly. As pp said, it wouldn't help your dd to lose her granny as well as her dad.

I'm not criticising you at all. But I do question some pps saying that your dd's relationship with dgm is up to your feckless dh and nothing to do with you. How would that help, when it's obvious he won't be reliable and the little girl will be let down again and again?

Things will settle down with mil when she realises that it won't be as bad as she fears. She's catastrophising at the moment. Mnetters always seem to underestimate the bond between grandparents and grandchildren. She can't just switch it on and off, to suit parents' convenience. It's as real as the bond between parent and child. And it doesn't mean she has MH problems or is 'controlling'. She's going through a sort of bereavement at the moment, like someone getting bad news from a doctor. She's imagining the worst.

But, with your help, it will pass. The relationship will survive and your dd will continue to have a loving dgm in her life which will give both of them much pleasure in the future.

DO NOT facilitate any contact with her her son can do that. I'd change your number and block her on everything. It sounds like she's harassing and trying to continue your abuse.

Op you sound like a really good person. Genuinely nice. It's shit that this is happening to you.
Do not take on this guilt, yes she will be upset but its not your fault, its not for you to fix. Look after yourself first.
Eventually when you are settled your dd will be seeing her gm and it will be her new normal, she will get used to it. You are not moving that far. She can video call and visit every few months.

I would ask the partner to stop telling me this stuff though, direct him to your stbxh, it's him who should feel the guilt not you.

DO NOT facilitate any contact with her her son can do that. I'd change your number and block her on everything. It sounds like she's harassing and trying to continue your abuse

HOW? Have you actually read the OP?

I think some people need to RTFT and OP again and stop projecting

Trouble with trying to organise for his mum to see DD at the same time as him is she likes a PLAN and he is incapable of making plans. She messages him he doesn’t answer and then she messages me and I get in the middle and it’s much more stressful / harder work than just dealing with them separately.

None of this is your problem anymore!
Your whole life is about to be flipped up! DO NOT COMMIT TO ANYTHING!

You are about to divorce and move with a small baby. Are you going to find work? How will you know your schedule? What if you make friends? What if you join clubs or groups?

You don't know what your week is going to look like so how can you commit to her?

You're response needs to be 'I'm about to go through a hell of a lot because of the actions of my husband. I am sure that we can work something out in the future for MiL but right now she is not my priority. Me getting my life together is my priority. I'm sure MIL will understand'

And then back hope everything.

DO NOT facilitate any contact with her her son can do that. I'd change your number and block her on everything. It sounds like she's harassing and trying to continue your abuse

Wtf are you on? And people say there isn't any projecting going on here

Thankfully the OP isn't as spiteful as some of you on here and can see that her DD maintaining content with her GM is beneficial for both of them!

Contact

I really wouldn’t take it to heart at your MIL’s upset.

She will be mourning over the loss of her family just as you will be. She has no/less control and is on the periphery so makes it harder for her to manage her grief.

Just do what is best for you and baby currently. And if mil directly says anything remind her you’re coming down in October and December.

Tell her partner if he mentions it again that you are even more devastated as it’s your life that’s been shattered and nothing so far has been of your choosing and he should stop trying to pile on your already full plate.
This is not your problem and it’s not your doing. He needs to support his partner best as he can and you need to move forward and do what’s best for you and dd.

I am the child in this situation and my mums liaison with my dads family has been a godsend - she hasn’t spoken to him for 20 years but kept in touch with his mum and sister which has been a great help to me as an adult as much as when I was younger. It’s so much easier for me regarding family times like weddings and Christmas to know they will get on. My dad is also incapable of planning anything so I doubt I would have had seen them at all if it was up to him. However, my dads family know that he’s a liability and we all understand that we’re basically accommodating his failings - also it didn’t happen over night. I think you’d be doing the ‘right’ thing to keep in touch with your MIL even if you have to impose certain boundaries about how often she contacts you.

Op you sound lovely you need to do what's best for you and DD, it's up to him to facilitate his mother.

You actually owe her nothing and it is NOT your responsibility to facilitate these any more.

Why? It's the OP's child here, and what she does and who she sees may not always be her responsibility but the OP is going to have an interest and care about it. Especially with a flaky DH.

The OP's MiL has been on the scene all her DGD's life and loves her dearly, presumably there is already a relationship there, and it will be heartbreaking if it ends.

Absolutely no regular arrangements yet, nothing set in stone but don't we all owe something to people who have roles in our lives?

I’m sure you feel very sorry for her and most people reading this thread will do to.

But it’s not your problem to fix. Your ex created this problem for his mother by being such a crap partner and father. And he’s now making it worse by not responding to her messages and refusing to make plans.

MIL also has a partner. He could solve this by speaking to his step son and telling him to get his shit together . To prioritise his child over his hobby.

But instead both men here expect you to deal with MILs feelings so they don’t have to be inconvenienced.

It’s Bullshit.

So Don’t arrange an air bnb.
Don’t promise that she can come for Christmas .
Stop doing your ex’s wifework for him.

Tell MIL she can see child every Tuesday and Wednesday when she’s at her dads. And also the weekends she stays with him.

You have enough On your plate with moving house and job and being a single parent. Stop being everyone else’s caretaker .

When my children were small I found it soooo much easier to have grandparent visits planned in advance. Then we all knew where we stood.

@Kr1stina When she's at her Dads?????? He's on drugs! She won't be going to her druggie dad at 5 months old! That's the issue 🤷🏼‍♀️

You actually owe her nothing and it is NOT your responsibility to facilitate these any more

She owes her daughter. The grandmother loves the child and vice versa.
Why are some mumsnetters so bloody hostile towards a child's grandparents?
It will take becoming a grandparent before they begin to understand the bond.

What Bertrand said!!! With bells on!!!!

Throw her a bone. 4 or 5 even. Will help her to deal with this. Nothing has to be set in stone.

Ignore the MIL haters on here. I feel sorry for the poor woman :( But that's not your fault of course OP, it's your H's doing. Yes, arranging visits should ideally be down to him, however he's off his face, so....

FWIW, I have to facilitate all my DD's visits with her paternal grandparents, as her Dad isn't interested in knowing DD, sadly.
I only have my DM as my DF sadly died, so if I didn't facilitate contact, then my DD would only have one Grandparent..........

I can only assume that those so hostile towards this grandmother have never had the love and close bond with a grandparent.
Paternal grandparents are just as important as maternal grandparents and those who think otherwise must be nightmare dils.

@Gotta 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Nothing to do with the paternal grandparents not bring important

Everything to do with a grown woman and her husband making the op feel guilty for something that is not her fault. The grandmother should be supportive not beating her with how sad she is

Far too much projecting going on here, and tbh given some of the responses I can see why the MIL would be upset at the thought of the ex DIL moving away with her grandchild given the response seems to be that DILs can pretty much abandon any communication with paternal grandparents as soon as they leave the relationship with said grandparent’s son....

No, the DIL isn’t responsible for her MIL’s state of mind, but neither is the mil responsible for the fact her partner has taken it on himself to start piling her upset on to her DIL and asking for commitments which the MIL hasn’t asked for...

My MIL is one of the least demanding people I know, and it was only years after me and eXH split that she said to me that when we split she realised that I could have stopped her from seeing DS, which I easily could have as he sees very little of his dad now, and that she had been so grateful I didn’t. It would never have occurred to me to do so, ILs are lovely people, I speak to them regularly, have had them for dinner, have offered other favours for them etc. DS is a teenager now and capable of facilitating his own relationship with them but we still have a relationship in spite of that fact.