To want mother in law to be less devastated?

[greatandpowerfulozma]

I’m not sure if I’ve phrased this question correctly but here’s the situation.

I have a one year old DD and currently I live about 15 mins drive from my mil and 3 hours drive from my own family. All of the people around us are linked to DH friends/ family etc. I’m quite isolated.

My mil is and always has been very intense / excited about DD (overwhelmingly so) since she found out I was pregnant. For example she has more toys at her house then we do at ours (and we have loads). She has repeatedly said things this year like “I have meaning in my life again now” and “I’m ready to base my life on my granddaughter”. I’ve tried to make sure she sees DD at least once a week because it means so much to her and I have really valued her help.

Trouble is DH has basically behaved appallingly to the point I have to leave him. He’s had an emotional affair (and possibly slept with other people but hasn’t admitted it) he’s been taking drugs. Been abusing alcohol so he’s basically been hungover this entire year.

I am leaving to be near my family. I can’t stay here. The woman he tried to have an affair with is round the corner and frankly I need the support of my mum. DH is on board he’s moving to London so he can easily come up and see DD on a regular basis.

MIL is devestated though. Her partner told me today she’s been crying inconsolably for the last 3 nights and basically is inconsolable all the time. I’ve said she’s welcome to visit us any time and see DD. I said I wouldn’t leave it to DH to make sure she saw DD (because we all know he won’t bother to make it happen).

I understand that she’s upset but I can’t help feeling that she’s been overinvested from the start and has tried to base too much of her life on DD. I want DD to have a relationship with her but I don’t think I’ll be able to ever be able to facilitate the amount of contact she wants (I already feel that way now)!

AIBU to feel guilty for upsetting her but then also resentful that a lot of guilt has been piled on me when I’m trying to deal with my life falling apart?

You have to look after number 1 and 2 - you and your DD. You are obviously an extremely kind and generous person, no doubt. Of course this has hit her hard, it she’s an adult and she will adjust. Make a little extra effort when you move like get DD to Skype or FaceTime often. Send her photos. Let her know Italy that she isn’t losing her DD. Just means when’s she does see her, it will be even more special. You need to do what’s best for you. And every girl needs her mum when their lives are falling apart. All the best x

I'd say inconsolable crying and saying she had meaning in her life now deserves some kind of minor acting award at the very least

You do know it was MILs partner that told the OP she'd been crying and not her? You sound very heartless and unfeeling.

YANBU.

It sounds like you have been through hell. You need your mum and your support network around you. I can understand your MILs feelings and it’s not her fault her son is a mess. However if it means that much to her to be close to you and your DD then she’ll have to be the one to move. She can’t possibly expect you to stay just so she can see her granddaughter !

Focus on you and your own mental health. She sounds like she needs to get a grip (in the nicest possible way).

You are a strong person for leaving. I 100% salute you. Many women stay, to the detriment of their own well being but more importantly the children. Think of yourself first and foremost. 🌻 xx

I agree with everyone else TBH. You have to think of yourself and your DD first and foremost. If MIL is upset with anyone it should be her son. She can’t blame you for wanting the support of your own family/ friends around you right now. You are having to restart your life! Quite frankly her needs should be an after thought!

I never warmed to my MiL, or rather she never liked me, but she is not a bad person. The kids regularly stayed with the GPs during school holidays, again about three hours away. Great childcare for us, and now as young adults they have their own relationship with them and will organise their own trips to see them.

Or they could occasionally rent an Air BnB close to you during half terms to help with childcare if you are working. There is a lot of scope for ‘all win’.

You have to do what is right for you and your DD. Your MIL has a right to be upset but not to make you feel guilty but to be fair it sounds like she isn't. I would not commit to any regular visits just take it one at a time and make it clear she is welcome to visit you by prior arrangement.

FWIW we moved 4 to 5 hours away from both sets of grandparents 30 years ago due to London house prices being high and DH being offered a job in the West Country. Our DDs were 1 and 2.5 at the time. My mum took it fairly well although she was upset. My MIL was devastated and let us know it and in fact moved down to the same town as us 6 years later. As a GM myself now with 2 young DGDs just round the corner from us I too would be upset if my DD and her husband moved away but I like to think I would be understanding. Even more so in your case as you will be a single parent and need your family's support.

We did the journey back to our old area roughly every 2 to 3 months when our daughters were small and my parents came down to us roughly the same. It was only as they got older it got more difficult. Having a loving GM though will benefit your DD so I would encourage that.

Ps i would be tempted to say "well u can ask ur son about that 1! " whilst emphasing its not their fault, but all the same time emphasising that its not their fault & in no way are u trying to punish them for what he's done but u need to put ur own needs and daughter's needs b4 everything else at this hard time and that you'd appreciate her support & understanding at this time, even though u acknowledge ot will be hard.(in other words "your son has been a twat, i am really finding it hard, this is devastating without me having to deal with ur emotional tantrums when i just want to curl up in a ball and shut the world out whilst you be selfish and cry without any empathy fir anyone else";) but dont say that. Say ut the more diplomatic way lol

For*^

I think it is really good that you have plans with her for the next few months. I would emphasise these to MIL but not commit just now to any really formal arrangements. Reassess after Christmas when you know how things are settling down into the new normal - perhaps your STBEXH will step up and MIL can see dd when she visits him - or perhaps she won't.

The important thing for you and DD is to get through the next few months and establish a new routine for DD.

Have her round for dinner and ask her how to make it easier for everyone.
Your daughter will be attached to her too.
Ask her about whether or not she’d like to have her for a night or two at a time once every 4-6 weeks. Talk about them coming up to take her out for the day. FaceTime, letters etc etc

You are being too nice, not many people in your position would do this, don't be a mug, you don't owe her anything, don't feel guilty, and don't feel you have to promise that you will come and stay with her regularly.

It is up to her son to arrange contact with his dd, and to arrange for her to see her grandchild, not yours!

"He said what would make her feel better is if me and DD were committed to coming to stay with her every couple of months."
No. Just no. Do not commit yourself to ANYTHING. You have told her she can come visit, and "found an air bnb for her near my parents so she can come and see us up there and get to know the area etc she’s booked there in s couple of weeks time." I think you've done quite enough for her, and you need to turn your energies towards yourself and your daughter.

It's sad that she's so affected by this, but as you "have always worried she would make my DD feel responsible for her happiness in the future" and you know you have poor boundaries and are a bit of a people pleaser - a geographical distance between you might be helpful. Especially if you never commit yourself to running after her. She can visit. That's a better set-up than what she and her partner appear to be after.

Oh and best wishes OP. You are doing really well in very difficult circumstances. hug

Haven't read whole thread but just wanted to say how much I relate to over invested grandparents. It is a huge pressure to bear. And no one gets it, they just say you should be grateful - and you are but it is so intense.

Oh OP. This is such a hard situation but I am glad you have realized that you are not responsible for MIL's happiness.

I live 1,000 miles from both sets of gandparents, and thanks to Whatsapp we are in almost daily contact. Just sending silly videos to each other, photos, it's so easy to share our daily lives. My parents make a lot of effort (DC are their only GC) and invest a lot in maintaining contact/a relationship with my family, PIL a lot less, but it's still there. When they come to visit, it's full on and intense but lots of fun. We usually manage to see each other for a full on weekend at least every 2-3 months.

I loved the PP who said about sending a letter, letting her know how valuable she is to both of you, what a wonderful GM she is, and that whilst you try to find your feet through this very difficult and upsetting period you need to really focus is on keeping DD happy and making the transaction as smooth as possible. I think it is important to say that everyone is a little heartbroken by the way things have turned out, and you appreciate her understanding and support at this difficult time. I would finish by saying that you know she is there if you need her. Hopefully this will reassure that her that you will keep in touch and her partners misguided attempts to soothe things for her will subside.

My parents did not have a great relationship with my GM, but I adored her. As I grew older, I would regularly travel by myself and see her at the weekend. They did everything possible to make sure I was able to maintain this contact and as a result, I do everything to make sure my kids have a great one with all of their GP. (Even though I really struggle with PIL myself).

Good luck. And a big hug for you and the shitty events that have led to this situation.

You need to do what is best for you and your child. Of course you woant to be near your mum, thats only natural. Your mil will come round eventually and realise your not so far away. I do think though your mil is feeling that if you go away (meaning further than you are now) she is worried there won't be as such a tight bond and she's scared.

She sounds emotionally unstable and immature. Perhaps this is part of the reason for your husband being the way he is! Sounds like there are some real issues in the family. She's not your concern right now. Take care of your own emotional health and that of your daughter. Move away, make your life as stable as possible and then you can make a bit more space for her and her issues when you're ready.

Tough shit for her. She should have raised him better

your MIL raised the asshole you're leaving for cheating, lying, drug and alcohol abuse

Perhaps her over bearingness and over investment in her child contributed to this

Man fucks up? Blame a woman.

ffs.

Anyway OP, you sound kind and sensitive. I feel sorry for her - she probably had her own dreams and thoughts of what things could have been like, and she's dealing with those dreams being shattered. Being a grandparent is a big deal and I get why she's so upset, along with her own conflicting feelings about her son.

However, that's not your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty.

You're doing the right thing and I'm glad you're going to be near your own family. I'm pretty sure that you'll keep her in the loop and be conscious of her feelings. As time goes on, she'll gradually become reassured that she's not going to lose you/her GC.

Well just make sure she knows that your daughter will always be her granddaughter, and that she will always be able to see her, your life will move on and sometimes it very nice to have a loving nana that will take your child for weekends and holidays, just remember the old saying it takes a whole village to bring up a child just not one single mother. Try and keep on good terms!! My granddaughters mother hates me with a passion I know this upset my granddaughter who is now 10 she has always resented our relationship which is mad!! as she is the mummy and I’m just the nana. Anyway remember you will meet someone who deserves you!! And your life will move forward!, but you ex husband and his family still need to have a good relationship with your child please don’t make her feel guilty for still loving them and having a good relationship with them with quality time together!, you have left them she has not!! They are half her family. This is your chance to be the bigger person for your child!! In eighteen years time your daughter will thank u for letting her have a great relationship with her father and his family and will be a happy well rounded adult.

Thank you for the replies everybody. It’s actually been really helpful to read your comments / opinions.

I’m going to try and get rid of the guilt. I’ve been back at work and with my parents for a couple of days now and everything feels a little lighter. Even if the baby has a cold (bless her). Thank you everyone who had read all this and taken the time to write comments it’s really appreciated.

I have no idea how the divorce is going to go. I’m trying to keep it as amicable as possible (big surprise!!) hopefully this time next year we’ll be sorted and settled.

for you all x

I think if you could set MIL up on Skype or FaceTime. You could practise while you're still here so she can do it. We do it with both sets of grandparents (in their 60s and 70s!). Both sides of our family live 3hrs away (not in the same location unfortunately). Video calls enable the kids to show the grandparents stuff, which is great as they get older and have pictures and certificates.

I think it's great that you've got some dates in the diary already and have helped find accommodation for her first visit. I wouldn't make a habit of sorting accommodation once she's visited a few times, but nice to help out in the first instance. She's probably worried that her feckless son is useless and won't facilitate contact between DD and her, sounds like she's in a bit of a panic spiral.

Good to read your update OP. Wishing you and DD a happy future

Even though you want to keep the divorce amicable, don't shrink from getting tough if it looks as if you and DD are going to be shortchanged. The discomfort at conflict and confrontation will pass but financial difficulties and the sort of parenting arrangement you come up with will go on for years.

Get what you want!

I know! I need to be tough and that is really hard for me. I’m trying mediation in the first instance trying to avoid things getting nasty with solicitors etc.

DH earns a lot of money and has offered a fairly reasonable monthly amount informally so I’m hopeful for a good result that will work for us all.

That’s probably a whole other thread though!!