To know full well I’m being unreasonable but feel pissed off with my parents anyway

[wrongwayaround]

When I was born my parents decided to use the name they intended to use as my first name as a middle name. The reason for this was because the initials spelled something and they thought it was funny.

So rather than being Anna Jane Morrison I am Jane Anna Morrison but called Anna. That’s not my real name but for illustrative purposes it suits - they thought having ‘jam’ as my initials was amusing (not my real initials either.)

So here are some of the issues it has created:

• being called the wrong name by teachers because I was ‘jane’ on the register.

• never knowing which name is recorded anywhere in an official capacity so banks, doctors and so on having to hunt for Anna and Jane.

• nearly being unable to fly once as I had made the booking as Anna and my passport said Jane.

• a professional investigation at work due to them not believing I held the qualification I did as there was no record of me at the regulatory body.

Quite honestly it infuriates me.

And I know you can change your name but it’s been more trouble than it is worth as I need to have an enhanced DBS for work and it looks as though I have something to hide when I don’t.

I know I am unreasonable but it does irritate me that my parents have caused me a lifetime of inconvenience for a stupid unfunny joke.

I work with two names always - school called me first name and family called me middle name. I respond to either. I've had opportunities to even it out ie tell new friends, new employers, new neighbours, new partners to call me by my middle name.......but I like the separation - and am used to it now. I always remember to fill out full two names on application, flight details (as it has to match your passport anyway!). No big deal. Even my kids never blinked when the realised some people called me another name - never even asked why!

We’ve just done this to our newborn son. We wanted to follow family tradition but also save having two ‘David’s (not David FYI) in the same house.

Poor kid 😬😂

Don't be getting all guilt ridden now. Most people with more than one forename seem to cope just fine with the horrendous imposition of having to remember to write them both/all on official documents.

And if you hadn't given your kid two forenames, doubtless they'd be lying on a therapist's couch 20 years now anyway, complaining about how their rotten mother and father never loved them because they only gave them ONE name...

Nearly all of them 'problems' could have been solved by a little common sense. You know what your legal name is so use it for legal documents and note it on your CV.

Exactly that. Like millions of others, I am known by a diminutive of my first name, think Bill instead of William.

Amazingly, I've worked out that any official documents or anything I would need to use in conjunction with an official document, such as a plane ticket, I should use William rather than Bill or Dr W Jones rather than Dr B Jones.

Amazingly I sail through life being called Bill by all and sundry, yet am able to access my bank accounts, get through customs with no bother whatsoever.

The only person you should be narked with is yourself is for a lack of foresight and basic planning.

I have the same situation, it doesn't bother me much though. I use the first name for official stuff like doctor, bank etc. Everyone else uses my middle name.

Crikey we call ds by his middle name but he’ll answer to both without a second thought. At 13 he’s perfectly capable of remembering to use his first name on anything even remotely official or that asks for his full name. Pretty much all your problems have been caused by you not putting your official first name on important documents.

Your legal name is Jane so surley you know that when booking a holiday to say Jane and not Anna it's common sense ? Your legally Jane so would use that in professional situations such as your job, passport, doctors etc it doesn't seem that hard

I seriously don't understand how you've had this much hassle and emotional issues over your name.

I have an extremely unusual first name that is from a culture I'm not a part of, my Mother got it from a kind of embarrassing place too, and to top it off she pronounces it incorrectly. It has been mispronounced, spelled incorrectly, and was a source of teasing at school.

I border on loathing it and my Mother has apologised for giving me my first name because of that.

I also have a family nickname because some of my own family can't pronounce my name.

Then I have a normal middle name.

Then there is the name I actually go by which is and isn't officially part of my name (kind of hard to explain without going into a law lesson regarding names in my home country) and wasn't chosen by my family, but rather me at the age of 24.

At all previous jobs I've never had trouble other than them getting use to the 2 names going by my legal name in the system but going by my chosen name with colleagues. My current job is in intelligence so I thought I had to go by my legal first name. I found out too late I could have gone by my chosen name. 🤷‍♀️

We didn't have a problem explaining it to obtain my visa either. We had to explain it since the proof of our relationship included Skype logs where my husband always called me by my chosen name which was also my Skype name.

The teasing in school is my main issue with the first name, however it was compounded by several other factors having nothing to do with the weird name.

Other than that it's not a situation I find so inconvenient or feel butthurt enough about to post an entire thread to bash my Mother over. I've already tackled the issue directly with her.

It does make me strongly suggest people don't give their children stupid, weird names when they ask for opinions on baby names on forums though.

Of course this is AIBU so some just love to tell you it is All Your Fault.

Because in this case it is All Your Fault.

The reasons why your parents chose to use your middle name is irrelevant and at 18, not to have realised that you should have used your 'official' name is a bit surprising to be honest. Then when undertaking a professional qualification a year after your degree, you didn't think to ensure there was a consistent use of names across the documents, again shows a lack of planning.

I’ve have a similar situation but I can’t say it’s caused any problems. There are a few documents with my ‘wrong’ name but anything important I have had changed. My parents used a different spelling on my birth certificate than they used on everything else. It was quite a significant spelling mistake which meant everyone pronounced my name wrong all the time. I only discovered the mistake when I was about 18 and applied for a passport.

I guess my A levels and O level certs have the wrong spelling on them. 🤔

I don’t really understand why it’s difficult to use your official name when you need to. It seems weird and very careless to forget. It’s boring to correct bank accounts and mortgages etc but not impossible.

Giving an incorrect name for a credit check is a bit daft and as for booking a flight which doesn’t match your passport that’s just asking for trouble. (And really, really, really daft 😂)

Also many women choose to change their surname after marriage and manage to get on with it. I had mine legally changed with the government but it took additional processes to get it changed with my last job in my home country and bank there so didn't bother and regularly signed documents switching between the two surnames depending on what it was for.

I have an atrocious memory and only signed incorrectly 3 times, people were always understanding about it. I also misspelled my first name once after baby brain set in. These things happen.

It seems to me that the problem isn't with having names that have been inverted but having two names that both appear to be your official name.

In that they (for some reason) appear on official documents in either order

If that makes any sense?

Your legal name is Jane so surley you know that when booking a holiday to say Jane and not Anna it's common sense ? Your legally Jane so would use that in professional situations such as your job, passport, doctors etc it doesn't seem that hard

No, her legal name is both forenames. OP just keeps leaving one off official documents and then gets irked when predictable difficulties arise.

I wouldn't be able to sleep if my mortgage/bank accounts were in the name of my second forename + surname. Which was different to my passport, driver's licence and birth certificate.

I can totally sympathize OP although my situation is slightly different.

I have a legal name but have always been known by a close variation. The only place my real name appears is my birth certificate. Everything else says the name I’m actually called. I don’t know how. How did my parents get a passport in my known name but not my legal name?

It therefore hasn’t caused me too much trouble but it absolutely baffles me. Why do that to a person??

I use a different name in day to day life then my official name.
I just remember to use my official name for all forms, bills, legal documents etc
When applying for a job i use my official name, then later tell them the name i prefer to be called by.

How funny that people are queuing up to kick the OP and tell her she’s unreasonable. I would HATE it if my parents deliberately gave me a first name they had no intention of using. As the OP has described, it’s a lifelong burden of explaining and confusion.

My nephew isn’t known by his first name or his middle name. He’s known by his second middle name (so, for example, Benjamin Jack Thomas, known as Thomas). Why do that?

i know people who have the exact same scenario - they never had the same issues as you do, actually one of my cousins has this, and never had any issue, not sure why its been such a hassle for you OP - but you seem ddetermined to have a big issue out of it. Do you hate your parents because of it?I feel bad that you feel so bad from it though.

I've always used my middle name. I hated my first name because it was really old fashioned. It's never been a problem. The bloody name is becoming fashionable now.

YANBU to find the situation annoying but I think maybe YAB a bit U not to do what several people have suggested and just consistently use your official first name on anything official. In fact it had never occurred to me that it was possible not to do so.

My experience isn't exactly like yours but there are similarities. My name has been shortened all my life to something that can also be a name in its own right, and also doesn't begin with the same letter as the long version. Elizabeth/Beth is s good analogy. I've always put Elizabeth on all forms and it's on my passport, driving licence and everything else that can be used to confirm my identity. However, I don't really think of myself as Elizabeth and don't always react when someone calls me that. (Especially when I'm giving birth, but that's another story.)

But the point is, I think the onus is on me to let people know that in everyday life I'm called Beth. When I get a new job, having send in an application firm with Elizabeth on it, I let my new boss and the personnel section know I'm known as Beth. If I didn't, hit would they be supposed to know? And if they were looking for something official under Beth, I'd point them in the right direction. I don't think it's that hard really - it's just something most people who don't go by their official name soon learn to do.

My OH and his sisters are:

LAM (partner)
JAM (SIL)
HAM (HAM)

[laughing]

How funny that people are queuing up to kick the OP and tell her she’s unreasonable.

You do realise this is AIBU?

More to the point you mentioned how you imagine you’d feel - but lots of people who actually use multiple names have shared their actual, real experiences.

I use my middle name, have done since birth. I’ve never had a problem. I’ve always been aware of it so book flights etc with it. I was born in the 80s and was always told to use my full name for banking etc so maybe that’s why I’ve never had a problem.

I’ve never had a problem paying on cheques either 🤔