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Original poster

Married name is same as DSD's mum and she objects

376 replies

Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 07:55

I’ve name changed as I’ve written a few posts and combined they could be a little bit outing.

Had a conversation with soon to be step daughter last night, she’s 13, almost 14. I’m due to marry her dad in December. She was asking me about names and I said I’d be Mrs .... the same surname as her and her dad.

She told me I couldn’t be, as her mum is Mrs ..... now I’m not in the least bit insecure and understand why her mum is still Mrs ...... but surely I’m not BU to also call myself Mrs ....?

What do you think? Before I’m hammered I don’t care what her mum is calling herself one bit, I care what I’ll be called and I want to take my new husband’s name.

OP posts:
whiskeysourpuss · 06/10/2018 16:02

His ex wife is not a Mrs anymore. She is a Ms. She can keep his surname (as I would if I divorced my husband) but she can’t keep the Mrs.

This will blow your mind - I'm Mrs Maiden Surname - kept the Mrs, ditched the surname it was awful anyway

Find OP's ranting about not being the second wife a bit delusional, it makes this statement from her OP

now I’m not in the least bit insecure

a little hard to believe Hmm

RollerJed · 06/10/2018 16:04

If you kept your maiden name on marriage did you give your dc your surname or dh name? And being totally nosey, what was your reason for yours/dh name?

Ta1kinpeace · 06/10/2018 16:06

I worked with a man who was married five times
three times to people called Sue
and two of his wives were sisters
his youngest children are younger than his first grandchildren

scarbados · 06/10/2018 16:15

'Ms' came about because women were sick of having to use a title that depended on whether or not they were married. Miss became Mrs and this was the way it was and always had been. Ms was 'invented' as a polite way of saying 'yes, I'm female but my marital status is none of your bloody business'.

It isn't a title reserved for divorced women. Or only for single ones. I was Ms before my first marriage and changed my name but kept Ms. I kept my name the same after the divorce but became double-barrelled when I married my second husband - birth name followed by husband's name - but I'm still a Ms and always will be.

MaisyPops · 06/10/2018 16:29

Previously I thought I got where the OP was coming from as in in her mind she isn't version 2 of Mrs Smith, more she is the second person to have married him but she views their marriage as separate to each other's respective pasts. So she isn't trying to be Mrs Smith the 2nd and a replacement for DSD's mum. She is just Mrs Smith in her own right.

Now it seems like OP is obsessively fixated on being 2nd/not being second I'm starting to think I was too charitable.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 06/10/2018 16:30

Another one who started on OP’s side but this is bonkers

Abeautifulpeagreenboat · 06/10/2018 16:30

He’s no longer married to the ex wife so I’m not the second.

I cant get my head round this. He will have two wives, XW was the first, you will be the second. That's just factual. As for the comment that you will be his last, I'm afraid you really have no idea whether that is true or not. Speaking as a step parent myself, you'd do well to acknowledge that your DH to be has a past and that will create difficulties for everyone along the way.

One of my DSC became very awkward around the time of my marriage to his Dad. That's entirely understandable and I suspect your DSD is feeling the same sort of insecurities. She needs dealing with sensitively, and reassuring that nothing will change for her when you are married.

PandorasBag · 06/10/2018 16:53

My husband was with his ex for around 7 years. We've been together over three times that long. But despite/because of the lack of love between them and her unwillingness to communicate with either of us, she has had a major influence on our relationship.

She is the mother of my stepchildren. Most of the time they lived with her - so her views on what to do about their education, their health, their general welfare - were the major influence on them. My partner (and I) had to adjust to decisions even though he might have opted to act very differently. On all big formal occasions as the grow up- graduations, weddings etc she has been/will be present - and her role as their mother is an important one. To my stepchildren she is the main person and I'm a sort of (hopefully benign) third person. I think there's a level on which, even after there's been a divorce and a rermarriage, an involved father is still (on some level) strongly connected to the woman with who he has had children.

AlexaAmbidextra · 06/10/2018 17:15

The thing that has really surprised me about the OP is that she is obviously a mature woman, being of an age to have a married daughter. I initially assumed, upon reading her posts that she was a fairly immature, youngish woman as she is so touchy about being the second wife. Second consecutively that is, not concurrently. 😄

PorkFlute · 06/10/2018 17:30

Wives/husbands are named in chronological order op. I assume you would know what was being asked if someone asked you who was Henry VIIIs 2nd wife?
It’s not a signifier of importance like first place and second place in a race!

Lizzie48 · 06/10/2018 17:36

I don't get the OP's defensiveness, either. In this day and age divorce and remarriage are perfectly respectable compared to previous generations and she herself is marrying for the second time.

Ta1kinpeace · 06/10/2018 17:52

My stepfather's first wife died. She was still his first wife and my mum was his second.
My father's second wife died. But she was still his second wife.

eurochick · 06/10/2018 18:03

It's 2018. Don't change your name and set a good feminist example for your step-daughter.

MauraIsles · 06/10/2018 18:49

Its a bit weird changing your name in marriage in this day and age anyway!

Errm... it really isn’t! I’m getting married next year and will change my name, it’s the name my Son and Husband to be have, I want to share the same name as my family, what’s so ‘weird’ about that?

LavenderBush · 06/10/2018 18:57

PMSL at the second wife who is convinced that she is NOT going to be a second wife.

No insecurity here, noooo no. Everything is perfectly fine and normal.

PillowOfSociety · 06/10/2018 20:32

Mauraisies “I’m getting married next year and will change my name, it’s the name my Son and Husband to be have, I want to share the same name as my family, what’s so ‘weird’ about that?”

Well, we don’t all assume, in this day and age, that our children will automatically take the surname if they father. Your child could have had your name, and your DH could then take your name, so that you all have the same name Wink

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/10/2018 20:47

Whether women change their name or not, whatever title they use, is a personal choice. I changed my name for my own reasons, I definitely understand why some women prefer not to. I don't think it's the most pressing issue facing women today. I've never met anyone who really thought that it meant I was my husband's legal property.

At any rate, the issue here isn't why OP wants to change her name, it's the matter of her stepdaughter's feelings about it.

DeaflySilence · 06/10/2018 21:00

Good post PandorasBag

Enko · 06/10/2018 21:24

I cant get my head round this. He will have two wives, XW was the first, you will be the second.

No he wont he will have 1 wife the OP. We do not permit polygamy in the UK.

He will also have 1 x wife (the one he first married is no longer his wife as they divorced)

there will be 2 Mrs xxx (assuming that his mother is not still alive or he hasn't got brothers who are married with a Mrs xxx)

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/10/2018 21:25

If Queen Elizabeth is happy to be known as Elizabeth II, it should be good enough for OP.

lau888 · 06/10/2018 21:50

The child is a teen but she's still a child. Everyone is Mrs Doe or Jane's mom. Kids forget that adults have first names that are their real everyday identity. I think the easiest thing to do is to remind her that you and her mom are actually Anne and Beth (or whatever) and not merely Mrs Doe. You will still be Anne and her mom will still be Beth.

Plus, it could be worse... you could both be Mrs Shannon Shannon. (The Weddingbee article that's been in all the online newspapers recently!) x

bowdownbeforelokitty · 07/10/2018 04:25

Well if his EX was hoping to hit the target she certainly selected the right arrow for the job. Of course you should change your name should you choose to do so. Stop giving it headroom.

SoupDragon · 07/10/2018 09:18

if his EX was hoping to hit the target

It’s the step daughter, not the ex.

Abeautifulpeagreenboat · 07/10/2018 10:40

Enk0 Sorry, that should have read ' will have HAD two wives'

dwab45 · 07/10/2018 17:25

I can understand SD’s possible possessive of her mum, but that’s life and she will need to work through it. What does her dad say?

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