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Original poster

Married name is same as DSD's mum and she objects

376 replies

Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 07:55

I’ve name changed as I’ve written a few posts and combined they could be a little bit outing.

Had a conversation with soon to be step daughter last night, she’s 13, almost 14. I’m due to marry her dad in December. She was asking me about names and I said I’d be Mrs .... the same surname as her and her dad.

She told me I couldn’t be, as her mum is Mrs ..... now I’m not in the least bit insecure and understand why her mum is still Mrs ...... but surely I’m not BU to also call myself Mrs ....?

What do you think? Before I’m hammered I don’t care what her mum is calling herself one bit, I care what I’ll be called and I want to take my new husband’s name.

OP posts:
celticprincess · 07/10/2018 21:11

For those suggesting we keep the ex’s name because we haven’t moved on, well that’s rubbish. I pushed for the divorce. I’ve kept his name to be the same as the kids. It makes things much easier for things like travelyon passports. I also want to have the same name as my kids. I have also kept the Mrs as I hadn’t really given it much thought. Again, not because I’m not over it all. All my legal documents are Mrs and I’m not sure if I just drop to Ms or have to actually fill in more paper work. I’ve never liked Ms personally either. I’ve always cringed when I’ve heard it, despite knowing than men only use the Mr. It has brought up some interesting comments from people though who assume I’m still married. My parents are divorced and my mum has kept her married name. This was after 30 years of marriage and they’ve been divorced for over 20. She was known in her work circles as Mrs X so it wouldn’t have been a good career move to change it.

I’m guessing there are lots of reasons people do and don’t change their names, for marriage and when divorcing. It will always be a personal choice and should remain so. I don’t want to be told I must change it or must change it back. I want to decide for myself.

Genevieva · 07/10/2018 21:13

Sorry - just realised it is the step daughter who is concerned, not her mother. I think a gentle explanation of why it is nothing to worry about should suffice. She will get used to it in time and she probably won't hear it used often.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/10/2018 21:22

I'm intrigued by how many women find it "cringey" when a marrying/divorcing/eternally single woman makes a name or title choice different to the one they themselves would make. You people must embarrass very easily. It's never occurred to me to give a toss.

boux · 07/10/2018 21:25

@AynRandTheObjectivist
Fair enough that's your opinion. For me I think she would just simply be his wife. If I was referring to OP I would refer to her as his wife and I would refer to his ex as his ex-wife. I would not refer to the ex wife as 'first wife' nor the wife as 'second wife'. I think it sounds too much like a polygamous relationship in referring to first and second wives.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/10/2018 21:29

Fair enough that's your opinion.

Why thank you. But this is not opinion, it is fact. She will be his wife. If anyone ever had to clarify the matter (I can't see it cropping up that often), she would, objectively and factually, be his second wife.

We have only one Queen, and she is the second Queen Elizabeth. If the country can grasp how it works with Her Majesty, I am sure OP will not have too much trouble explaining the concept to people who haven't cottoned on that polygamy isn't legal here.

purplevamp · 07/10/2018 21:29

I’m not the second Mrs .... I’m the only one married to him, or soon will be. She can call herself it, but she’s not his wife. No seconds here.

If she's never been married to him then she doesn't have a leg to stand on! Call yourself what you want, it's your marriage not hers. Good luck with your wedding Smile

Shewhomustbeobeyed1 · 07/10/2018 21:32

Here’s an idea for a compromise. A friend of mine had the same initial as Mr Ballard’s first wife. when she became second wife of Mr Ballard kept her maiden surname and became Mrs Evesham-Ballard.

boux · 07/10/2018 21:37

I was just saying that I respect your opinion but I don't agree. There is no need to be rude, I am allowed to disagree with you.
If there was any confusion it would simply be explained by saying that she is his wife and ex is the ex wife. No need to refer to first or second anything.
The Queen example doesn't really relate.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/10/2018 21:39

I was just saying that I respect your opinion

It's not an opinion. It's a fact. She will be the second consecutive, successive, monogamous wife. You may choose to avoid the term, but that doesn't make it wrong.

The Queen example relates perfectly. You're just saying it doesn't because it proves the fact is correct, though Lord knows why an example should be necessary. It is not a difficult concept.

boux · 07/10/2018 21:41

Saying your opinion is fact doesn't actually make it a fact. Not going to engage with this anymore, you are clearly someone who is always right Wink.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/10/2018 21:42

you are clearly someone who is always right

I am clearly someone who is saying that a second wife is, in point of fact, a second wife. You might prefer an alternative term, but that doesn't stop the word "second" from being correct.

Oldbutstillgotit · 07/10/2018 21:43

@AynRandTheObjectivist can I be a pedant and point out that in Scotland our Queen is Elizabeth the First ......

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/10/2018 21:44

@AynRandTheObjectivist can I be a pedant and point out that in Scotland our Queen is Elizabeth the First ......

You got me! Wink

Valanice1989 · 07/10/2018 21:53

I can't believe I'm witnessing an argument about whether the second woman a man marries is his second wife. It's not like "second wife" is a rare term!

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/10/2018 21:57

I can't believe I'm witnessing an argument about whether the second woman a man marries is his second wife.

I know, right? But apparently it is a subjective matter.

I'm reminded of how many people won't marry at all, even if it puts them at serious risk of being up poo creek without a rowing implement, because they don't like the words "marriage" or "wife". The solution is clear. Marriage and married women should all be referred to as "spam". And all women should take Spam as their surname for life, from birth onwards, whether they marry or not. We can come up with an alternative for Jewish, Muslim and Hindu women. Maybe Lentil.

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/10/2018 22:16

Im gobsmacked that some people are so insecure that they cant accept they are a second wife.

Its bugger all to do with polygamy. People arent stupid and no one would presume that Hmm.

Another woman got there first. Its simply a fact. She was the first wife. Op is the second. Any after will be the 3rd, 4th etc...

boux · 07/10/2018 22:29

Just curious, if you were introducing someone would you say "this is Dave and his wife Emma" or "this is Dave and his second wife Emma?" I've never heard of anyone being referred to as a second wife in this situation or in conversation really. They would just be referred to as their wife.
How would you distinguish between a second wife (as you say) and a second wife in a polygamous relationship? Or would you not acknowledge that there is a distinction.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/10/2018 22:32

As I said before, I cannot imagine that the point would crop up very often but if it did, yes, I would say that Emma is Dave's second wife. Because if he had been married once before, she would be.

The term may not always be required but that does not make it wrong.

How would you distinguish between a second wife (as you say) and a second wife in a polygamous relationship?

In the UK, with reference to a UK marriage, by not being a complete fucking idiot.

boux · 07/10/2018 22:41

Fair enough. I couldn't see myself introducing someone in that way but it is always interesting to hear others points of view.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/10/2018 22:45

I couldn't see myself introducing someone in that way but it is always interesting to hear others points of view.

It's not a point of view. It's a fact. It might be a bit rude or weird to introduce Emma as "Dave's second wife" but it would be, in point of fact, correct.

The fact that a term isn't always necessary does not make it wrong.

(Arguably, you could say she's his first wife if the first marriage was annulled rather than dissolved, but given the difficulties some people are having with the first concept, we probably shouldn't go there.)

fitgirl26 · 07/10/2018 22:50

My ex husband married someone with the same first name as me. I had kept my married name which is very unusual but I just thought it was funny that we had exactly the same name! I’ve since remarried and have an extremely common surname now 😳

Valanice1989 · 07/10/2018 23:16

If she's never been married to him then she doesn't have a leg to stand on!

purplevamp, the ex was married to him. The OP is in denial about the fact that she'll be his second wife. It's like something out of 1984.

OP, do you really think it's inaccurate to refer to Melania as Donald Trump's third wife? Or Camilla as Prince Charles's second wife?

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 07/10/2018 23:19

You'd use the term if you were talking about the past - so for example:

'Oh yes, Winchester is lovely. My first wife and I had a little flat there when we were in our 20s'.

You'd have to say 'first wife' because you don't mean your current wife. You'd only say 'second wife' if you were on third wife or more.

Valanice1989 · 07/10/2018 23:20

How would you distinguish between a second wife (as you say) and a second wife in a polygamous relationship?

I don't think this is likely to cause any confusion unless you live in a bad sitcom full of awkward misunderstandings.

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 07/10/2018 23:40

fitgirl did your dh have a tattoo, by any chance? Grin
I could see the 2nd wife thing cropping up, for example a conversation about the child - “oh so you’re John’s wife, and Sophie is your little girl” “no actually Sophie is my stepdaughter, I’m John’s second wife”.
In that context if you insist on being the first and only wife it would all sound very strange.
Poor Sophie, anyway.