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Original poster

Married name is same as DSD's mum and she objects

376 replies

Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 07:55

I’ve name changed as I’ve written a few posts and combined they could be a little bit outing.

Had a conversation with soon to be step daughter last night, she’s 13, almost 14. I’m due to marry her dad in December. She was asking me about names and I said I’d be Mrs .... the same surname as her and her dad.

She told me I couldn’t be, as her mum is Mrs ..... now I’m not in the least bit insecure and understand why her mum is still Mrs ...... but surely I’m not BU to also call myself Mrs ....?

What do you think? Before I’m hammered I don’t care what her mum is calling herself one bit, I care what I’ll be called and I want to take my new husband’s name.

OP posts:
Emz1989 · 07/10/2018 19:11

My mum kept my dad's surname after they had divorced - just easier I guess. When he announced he was re-marrying, she then started proceedings and switched back to her maiden name. I'd just have an open chat with dsd

evian76 · 07/10/2018 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yummyeclair · 07/10/2018 19:19

I have same name as DSD mum since I got married. It is normal to do this.

Lizzie48 · 07/10/2018 19:23

I definitely agree in principle that women shouldn't feel they have to change their name upon marriage. I like the idea of double barrelling personally and I would do it if I didn't hate the idea of having any connection whatsoever with my abusive F.

However, I will be encouraging my DDs to make their own decisions on this issue. It will have particular significance for them because of their being adopted. They have always had a strong attachment to their adoptive family name, which is lovely, but I know that they may want to include their birth family as well, which I'll definitely understand. (They're full birth sisters, and we've always been keen for them to understand their biological roots.)

Welshmaiden85 · 07/10/2018 19:25

You’re totally reasonable. Be kind over the issue with your DSD as like you said it’s coming from her mum. It usually takes until 25plus before adult children see the true picture of what their parents are/were like. So I would continue doing what you’re doing, don’t be controlled by it, but also be unwavering kind and generous (at least any where your step daughter can hear!). DF’s ex may bad mouth you to kingdom come but in a few years your DSD will realise you never did it back.

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/10/2018 19:30

Of course you are the second wife. Its daft to pretend otherwise. You will always be second. Even if you divorce and he remarries for a third time.

Its a fact. You might not like the idea that she was his wife before you but to insist you arent second is laughable.

JillyArmeeen · 07/10/2018 19:32

I don't get why women change their names on marriage now days and I'm really surprised so many still do.
If I ever marry I will be keeping my names, already double barrel so adding another would be out of the question.
Ds has his dad's name, biggest regret of my life and really don't know why I chose to go along with that.
Any more kids I might have will be getting my names.
I've taken to calling myself Ms now I'm in my 30s and miss sounds a bit immature.
I'm finally a feminist.

XingMing · 07/10/2018 19:33

She may have had an awful maiden name, and prefer not to use it again.

tootstastic · 07/10/2018 19:48

Op the only reason the original question got a little bit lost was because of your, frankly quite bonkers, insistence that you weren't the second wife.

I'm with @JillyArmeeen, Each to their own, but I really struggle to understand why women would dream of taking a man's name nowadays. My husband was a bit of a traditionalist, so we ended up compromising and double-barrelling so that we'd all have the same name as DC. Had to do this by deed poll.

Back to your original point. I think your DH needs to have a chat with his daughter so that he understands how she is feeling and can allay any worries about your impending marriage.

Missingstreetlife · 07/10/2018 19:49

You are taking his name, but his daughter also has the same one I presume. It's a lot for her to process, she should talk to her dad.
Her mum, or any of you, can use whatever name(s) you like.
The name you plan to share eminates from dh and his father. Because you know, Patriarchy innit?

ToftyAC · 07/10/2018 19:50

She’s being utterly ridiculous. Of course you’ll take your husbands name. She doesn’t have exclusive rights.... there are millions of folk who share the same name.

Cardiganqueen71 · 07/10/2018 19:53

Why all the obsession with Mrs? sounds like a lot of people don’t feel they are valid unless they have a nomenclature that denotes their married status. Like it’s a badge of honour? We have no way of telling what a man’s marital status is, and yet you are all happy to ensure everyone knows yours? Why don’t we revert to the Ms and Mr they have in the US in anything from a public body. Nobody’s darned business and it would stop the continuous raises eyebrows towards those of us who choose to use Ms.

Carriecakes80 · 07/10/2018 19:57

Its not unreasonable at all to take his name, but I think a lot of people are forgetting, 13 is a bloody hard age, even harder when faced with Dad getting re-married, no matter if he's been with new partner for number of years, things are changing and thats bloody hard for youngsters to cope with. Teens these days act like they know it all, tough, and can cope, but she's still a kid, and no matter what difficulties she throws at you you must please be someone who treads lightly, not to baby or cater to her whims, but to show her that her feelings matter too.
I went through this, it was really tough - and at the age when truly, you need your parents just as much as you did when you were little, they were so busy planning weddings and hen nights and all sorts, and they forgot I even existed. Because I acted older, I was treated like an adult, and sometimes, I just wanted to know that they had taken my feelings on board.

Try to remember what that age is like before saying 'She's being difficult and trying to get a reaction from you.'
She's actually being a kid and this might be hard for her.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 07/10/2018 19:57

Names do mean something, so in a sense your DSD is right, she’s tapping into the meanings and implications instinctively. So it’s probably not just about her Mum. There is an implication, buried perhaps in our more equal outlook, women take their husbands name and not vice versa for a reason. To belong, to be looked after. For your DSD this is significant. There can’t really be two women who belong to her Dad, only one! And that’s you, not her mother anymore.

She’ll get over it, or adjust. It’s fine just don’t make a big deal out of it perhaps. But go ahead as you really are the new Mrs DP.

My DPs Ex is still Mrs X and told me to my face that there wouldn’t be another Mrs X. She says often to my DSDs how lovely it is they are all X family, and she signs cards to all including DPs MIL as ‘from X family’. Shock

tootstastic · 07/10/2018 19:58

Should also have mentioned I was a Ms. prior to marriage and have remained Ms. since marriage.

tootstastic · 07/10/2018 19:59

@Cardiganqueen71 totally agree

Bimgy85 · 07/10/2018 20:06

You absolute defensive idiot Grin you just admitted you're the second woman he married but not his second wife? 😂😂😂 wow

How does that work then? Second woman he married but because he divorced the first wife somehow you're not the second wife Hmm what the hell goes on in that brain of yours op

dorisdog · 07/10/2018 20:21

This whole thread makes me think we should definitely abolish name changing for marriage. And maybe abolish marriage altogether!

dorisdog · 07/10/2018 20:22

And I really agree with people who are showing some compassion towards the teenager in this issue - it's hard being 13 and grappling with your parents and step parents relationships and where you fit into it all.

Blameanamechange · 07/10/2018 20:23

Imo you are the second person he will have married. Does that sound more precise? ANYWAY I feel a bit sorry for dsd if her mum has out this idea into her head but you both being MrsOP. She is a bit piggy in the middle really. Perhaps you should explain that this often happens in families and that you understand why she might be upset but nothing much will change really. (except if you 3 are in hols etc and you all have same name will look like she is yr bio daughter) She is old enough to understand but its the finality if it and maybe she was secretly hoping her parents would get back together? She might just be being loyal to her mum? Just suggesting....

mrsdeedow · 07/10/2018 20:26

Coming from the ex side... I changed my surname way before the divorce, I just wanted nothing to do with my ex except from our DS. However, I did feel I acted hasty as when he married another woman, I didn't like it, someone else shared my son's surname and it wasn't me... I have remarried since though and totally got over the name thing! Sounds like the ex-wife needs to accept life moves on. The DSD is 13, she should have understanding by now, and yes, she may see moving on challenging herself but normally you would see other signs of unacceptable including challenging behaviour with you. I think you DH2B needs to sit down with her and explain that you are both getting married and part of that is choosing whether the male or female wants to change their surname or not.
Good Luck!

Boux · 07/10/2018 20:30

@Bimgy85 it's because she's not his second wife, she is his only wife. You can't be married to more than one person at a time in this country. Saying 'second wife' makes it sounds like he has two wives living with him! The op will be his wife and the ex will be the ex wife. When you get divorced you are no longer considered a wife!

Oldbutstillgotit · 07/10/2018 20:31

When I divorced my first husband I kept my married name until I remarried a few years later, not because I hadn’t moved on as a PP suggested but because I wanted the same name as my DC in an attempt to retain some consistency. When ex remarried shortly after we divorced his new wife wrote to me insisting I changed my name as SHE was the only Mrs X but I ignored her. I changed my name when it remarried. Years later my DC said they felt sad when I no longer had the same name as them . It’s hard but try to see it from a child’s point of view. Oh and you will be the second wife just as I am !!

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/10/2018 21:02

It's because she's not his second wife, she is his only wife. You can't be married to more than one person at a time in this country. Saying 'second wife' makes it sounds like he has two wives living with him!

No, it makes him sound like he had one wife, got divorced or was widowed and then got a second wife. Given that everyone knows bigamy is illegal in this country, nobody will imagine that she is his second concurrent, polygamous wife. Everyone will be smart enough to realise that she is his second, consecutive, successive, monogamous wife. I know the Great British Public is a bit batty, but really, everyone will be able to understand this.

She is his second wife. I have honestly never met anyone in my life, no matter what their circumstances, who didn't accept that if they married for the second time, they had a second husband or wife, or were the second husband or wife.

The fact that OP is being so ridiculous on this issue, plus a couple of other things, suggests to me that there is more going on in her relationship with the stepdaughter than we are hearing.

Genevieva · 07/10/2018 21:09

My Mum, my paternal aunts, my granny and my paternal great aunts are (and were) all Mrs the same surname. What is more, most of them had christian names starting with the same initial. It is really quite normal. She can't do anything about it, so she will have to lump it.

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