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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Married name is same as DSD's mum and she objects

376 replies

Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 07:55

I’ve name changed as I’ve written a few posts and combined they could be a little bit outing.

Had a conversation with soon to be step daughter last night, she’s 13, almost 14. I’m due to marry her dad in December. She was asking me about names and I said I’d be Mrs .... the same surname as her and her dad.

She told me I couldn’t be, as her mum is Mrs ..... now I’m not in the least bit insecure and understand why her mum is still Mrs ...... but surely I’m not BU to also call myself Mrs ....?

What do you think? Before I’m hammered I don’t care what her mum is calling herself one bit, I care what I’ll be called and I want to take my new husband’s name.

OP posts:
babyno5 · 07/10/2018 17:29

My partner and his ex separated 17 years ago come February. I met him about a year after that. We have never married but have had a further 2 children together.
His ex had a long term relationship and a further 2 children then split up and married someone else last year. She still chooses to go by her married name with my DP 😂😂. Some women are truly bonkers! No idea what her now husband makes of it all.
You’re completely in the right OP. It’s not open for discussion and DSD will get over it.
Good luck for your wedding xxx

dcthatsme · 07/10/2018 17:32

It's odd if they've divorced that your man's ex would want to keep his name... ( I have to say I don't understand why people like taking their husbands' names in the first place but that's just me.) I agree that your DSD probably needs support to cope with this new change. Perhaps it was already quite unsettling for her when her parents split up. I don't suppose it's really about the name - it's possibly more the situation. I'm sure she'll become accustomed to the new family dynamic soon. Wishing you all the best for your forthcoming marriage!

3out · 07/10/2018 17:35

I think the etiquette following a divorce (not that it really applies much nowadays, unless you’re receiving mail from the Queen) is that whilst married you are referred to as Mrs John Smith, but if divorced then you become Mrs Jane Smith.

You are the second Mrs X. Always will be.

Of course you can take your husband’s name when you marry. At 14 I’m quite sure your stepdaughter fully understands this.

Cardiganqueen71 · 07/10/2018 17:39

Jesus. Keep your own name. You’re not a chattel and this isn’t the 1950s.

SoupDragon · 07/10/2018 17:43

You’re not a chattel and this isn’t the 1950s.

Yawn

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 07/10/2018 17:45

I've never fully understood the first wife being upset that subsequent wives will be Mrs Smith as that's their name. Its most likely also their MILs and GMILs and potential SILs name too FFS.

That said, I've been a Ms forever and quite like to tell people when they refer to me as Mrs DHName that Mrs DHName is my MIL.

Schafe · 07/10/2018 17:45

She isn’t worried about the name, she’s worried about the status change going public. She probably doesn’t want her dad to marry you. Why would she? You’re not her mum.

tolerable · 07/10/2018 17:46

do you share the same first name as her mother?if not specify mrs a wife...mrs b wife. speak t her dad.what did she think would occur here?

Port1ajazz · 07/10/2018 17:48

LeGrandfluff , that's right let's cow tow to a thirteen year old ! No wonder we have a world of youngsters full of their own entitlement !

margesimpson40 · 07/10/2018 17:50

You're his second wife and of. Just as my mum's husband is her second husband. For you to be so adamant/weird about this may be filtering through to dsd, hence her comment. I take it I you have a child together it will be his first child, using your rationale !!!! Thought I had seen it all on here.

Mammystore118 · 07/10/2018 18:01

I’ve read through all of these comments, and half of them are very pointless and unfair. Yes you love your stepdaughter and her dad however this is your life and you should take his last name!!... you are his wife therefore take his name. I think her mother may have put things in her head. When you marry change your name to whatever you want. Your SD will adjust. Do what makes you happy, remember in life you don’t get anywhere if you try and make other people happy. Do what you want to do it’s your name and will be for the rest of your life. The ex shouldn’t still have husbands last name!!!

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 07/10/2018 18:02

whilst married you are referred to as Mrs John Smith,

Bollocks to that! I will NEVER refer to myself, or answer to anyone else who refers to me, as Mrs John Smith. My Christian name is "God" Grin, not dh's name.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 07/10/2018 18:03

The ex shouldn’t still have husbands last name!!!

But it's not just her ex-husband's name. It became hers upon marriage. Why should she go to the effort of changing it all over again, just to suit someone else?

3out · 07/10/2018 18:10

Don’t worry, I don’t refer to myself as Mrs John Smith ;) I’m just making the point that the ex wife is perfectly entitled to call herself Mrs Smith. We mostly don’t all read Debrett’s every evening though.

DiWoo · 07/10/2018 18:13

Congratulations on your forthcoming marriage.
Your DSD is a teenager, her mum and dad have split up and now her dad is remarrying - of course she’s going to be upset. It might not specifically be about your name change, her mum may well be stirring things but she’s bound to be upset regardless.
I don’t think you shouldn’t change your name because of it because then it’ll probably be something else that she takes umbrage to but I do think she needs showing that she’s still loved etc etc some special time for just her and her dad maybe, amongst other things
Good luck with it all, I think you’re going to need it!

TheBigFatMermaid · 07/10/2018 18:14

On the other note I may be the second woman DH2B will have married but I will be his only wife! Just one wife, not two, not second.

No, you WILL be the Second wife, he had a first wife, now he is going to have a second wife.

It sounds as though it is not only your Step daughter who has issues here.

Original poster
Breakfastclubcrazy · 07/10/2018 18:18

The comments range from calling me demented to an out and out insecure fruit cake 😂😂 thankfully I’m robust enough to realise this is mumsnet and I don’t take it personally.

Second consecutively but not secondary is probably the most succinct way of putting it. Funny until this post I hadn’t even given that part of it much thought. The post was about DSDs comment about the name which somehow seems to have been lost.

Thanks for the comments, it’s made me chuckle.

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 07/10/2018 18:18

Dh has hundreds of male cousins and uncles etc, so there are tons of us Mrs WhataMesses. No issues.

Properjob · 07/10/2018 18:18

Hope your STBH doesn't mind when his daughter takes a new name at 18 then Wink My Dad did, my brother and Mum all changed it too, my brother has a new clan of the new name...my kids have the new name as a hyphenated, poor things (because their father refused to change his name to mine).

MadameFireweed · 07/10/2018 18:21

I don't understand why people get married anyway, but isn't getting married to Mr John Smith tantamount to making yourself 'Mrs John Smith'? So why not call yourself that?

celticprincess · 07/10/2018 18:22

You’re not BU to take his name. I still have my ex’a surname after divorce due to wanting to have the same surname as my children. This was actually discussed early in the old relationship and I didn’t want kids before marriage as I wanted us all with the same name. He now has a new partner and they have a child who has been given his surname. I am suspecting it will only be a matter of time before they marry and she takes his surname so they can all have the same name too. I’m not sure how she will feel about me keeping it or how I’d feel about her taking it in future but it’s likely to happen. If I ever remarried I’m not sure what I’d do - May depend on age of my girls by then as I know if future they may eventually change their names. Oh and my kids are going so don’t currently see any issue with the situation - they often tell me they think daddy and his partner should get married so they can be bridesmaids. I just grit my teeth and smile.

Grobagsforever · 07/10/2018 18:57

This kind of rubbish is why no woman should change her name. It's 2018. Two women flapping about his surname while he swans along...

I'll never understand the practice.

Tistheseason17 · 07/10/2018 19:00

Second consecutively but not secondary is probably the most succinct way of putting it
Funny until this post I hadn’t even given that part of it much thought

I doubt it. Sounds like you've been putting LOADS of thought into it. I just love a goady OP.

YANBU to take the name but BOY, your responses are quite obtuse and bordering on the obsessive over your position in the blended family. You are his second wife - get over it. Biscuit

Jac1970stone · 07/10/2018 19:01

Good luck with your marriage and the future. Use whatever name you wish to. It is your right to hanger it if you wish to and OW’s right to keep the name of she wishes to. On my divorce I became Ms married name because all of my career and qualifications were in that name and professionally how I am known. To change it back to my maiden name which was last used over 25 years prior just didn’t make sense to me. But otherwise I have absolutely no allegiance to my XH. Just keep talking to DSD and be sensitive to her confusion. Good luck.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/10/2018 19:08

Second consecutively but not secondary is probably the most succinct way of putting it. Funny until this post I hadn’t even given that part of it much thought.

Really?