DH and reading for pleasure

[jalexander]

AIBU to not understand DH's opinion and TOTALLY disagree with it?

He hates reading. He can't take it in. Doesn't enjoy it. Never reads for pleasure.

Fair enough.

We were just discussing reading for pleasure as I love it and think it's actually really important.

It came to light that DP never encouraged his children to read. He would read their compulsory school set books with them and that was it. Neither him or his ExW encouraged reading for pleasure and none of his children ever read. I find this really sad.

DH doesn't understand why I think it's sad. He said he'd never force them to read for pleasure. He hates it and doesn't see the point.

He says he's a realist and far more grounded than me, stuck in my little fantasy worlds with a romanticised idea of the world. Ugh. He's being totally flippant and dismissive.

What do you think?

There's some really patronising and up themselves attitudes on this thread.

therewillbetime perhaps the reason some children do not read much and enter the criminal justice system are actually the same! Poverty, poor parenting, pressure from others etc etc. Not simply that not enjoying reading leads to bring a criminal.

Noticing two things in the same group of people doesn't mean one is causal!

DoYouLikeHueyLewisandTheNews please do not feel sad for us.

I was an avid reader in my youth, until DCs destroyed my attention span. Although they are getting a bit older, my brain is still on the alert for them and prone to interruptions. DH isn't much of a reader. He does read current affairs, but has probably read about 15 fiction books in our relationship (7 being written by JK Rowling) which averages out as less than one per year. We suspect undiagnosed dyslexia, but he is involved with reading with the DCs (has phd... struggles with children's picturebooks)

On the face of it, it's easy for me to feel sad about non-reading, but if I think about it in more detail, it's not necessarily an absence of reading that's the problem, it's if the non-reader has an absence of curiosity. Great literature and culture can be accessed through audio books, film, tv and radio so non-reading is not the same as ignorance. Adaptations often lack the depth of the written word, but they come alive in a different way. I have watched adaptations that I wouldn't necesarily read. Then there's the world of non-fiction which avid fiction readers can overlook. Non fictional information is so accessible these days if you're inclined.

DS1 has his barriers to reading. He benefits from tinted overlays. It's not natural to him to devour books like I did at his age, but his interest in non-fiction has been fed, and he has an accessible range of books with bite sized blocks of text in topics such as Star Wars to enable him to read with comfort. Books beyond him such as Narnia or Roald Dahl, I read to him which he enjoys. I bought a beautifully illustrated version of Harry Potter for him to look at as I read which was much easier for him to follow than the regular paperback. To restrict him to functional reading of Oxford Reading Tree would do him a massive disservice. He may struggle writing sentences, but he has a great vocabulary and understands the technicalities of the English Language even if he struggles to apply it in his work.

I can understand difficulties with reading and people finding that it's too similar to skills used at work to find it relaxing. However, I do find it sad when people are dismissive about reading and have a lack of curiosity about anything. I once covered a regestration with reading time and a 12 year old boasted proudly to me that he'd never read a whole book; he'd always skipped or dodged something. That would be a real barrier to his future studies.

It's not that OP's husband doesn't read that's the issue, it's his foul attitude to any difference in OP's interests and skills. In a healthy relationship, such differences are normally seen as complimentary.

my DH will read the newspaper, but struggles with books. The trouble is that he THINKS he's well read. So when we're talking about books with a friend he'll talk about the really good book he's read. And it's always the same bloody book.

My mother read fiction. Lots of it. Rarely discussed what she read and rarely read to me as a child. I never once saw her read anything from the humanities and certainly nothing on politics, feminism, or economics. She did however read several news papers. She had one of the clearest, brightest minds of anyone I've ever known. She could discuss almost anything and had an understanding of political philosophy equal to any of the academics I studied under.

Unlike my mother I have had to read hard heavy texts that make you want to give up. I do not read for pleasure. I have never read fiction. I always have three or four books on the go. I am compelled to read anything that challenges me, anything that either undipins my own thinking or challenges me to defend my thinking. So I read Hegel, Marx, Negri, Bifo Berardi, Tronti...... But I don't find this pleasurable. I don't think their intention was to make reading easy!

I'm envious of DH reading Terry Pratchett. I have tried and I'm easily distracted.

I did though read to my children. I taught them to read and have always encouraged it. One is like me and reads for knowledge, the other one reads fiction for pleasure.

Strangely the two fiction readers are more grounded in reality, more pragmatic, realistic, active and happy. DS1 and I are both as practical and useful as chocolate teapots, apt to try and understand everything at a theoretical level whilst being apathetic, and inclined to try and avoid reality when it suits us. The other thing I've noticed is that the fiction readers are more adaptive and able to accept things as they seem to be. DS1 and I are more likely to say "things are not quite as they seem"

Each to their own. I couldn't feel sad if others take pleasure in something I don't. Pleasure is subjective. Some people hang from trees or snowboard, others spend every spare hour shopping, and more odd to me than either is the person who takes pleasure in gossiping or dressing up pretentious snobbery as concern for others.

lucydogz which book is it?

I think he is allowed his own opinion.

OP
Do you use books/fiction/fantasy to muffle emotions?

Wrt reading, and some sort of spectrum you think exists - this is not what is going on with you and your H.

The problem you have is that he is a prize jerk, not that he doesn't read for pleasure.

Anyone who calls another person a retard deserves to have a pram wrapped around his ears.

he's always inferring that he's smarter than me and even during our discussion tonight, he said, "I don't see how reading would have changed where I ended up in life and hey, look at you, didn't help you did it."
He is a nasty piece of work, belittling you, calling you names, and sucking the joy out of something that gives you pleasure. This is controlling behaviour. One day you will find yourself apologising to him for reading.

He resents you reading in the evening after a full on day with a 3 month old, he undermines your confidence by calling you a name when you were trying to get the pram up, he insinuates that you are some sort of a loser compared to him.

He doesn't like you.

Please don't take refuge in books while you have a baby growing up in a home where his father is so openly contemptuous of his mother.

For me fiction isn't just about the plot, it is what you can pick up about the past and the social mores of that particular time. I read a fair amount of Golden Age crime, Sayers, Allingham etc, and the social construct is fascinating. With the Allinghams you can get from the 20s to the 50s and see how things had changed.

I love the fact that on my shelves or my Kindle, I can always find something to suit my mood from Georgette Heyer to Boethius. So many books, so little time!

For me, a book is the same as Dh's box sets...a place to escape to for a little while, could be a different world to ours, or a Nigel Slater when I get immersed in a cook book.

My 2 DS have had the same upbringing, but DS1 sees reading as a chore, whereas DS2 reads entire books in a day, for fun.

It's quite easy to be pompous about reading. If your DH/DP (you appear to get divorced in the middle of your post) said he didn't like reading and would much prefer to use his Kindle to batter orphans, I could understand your frustration.

And I'm saying that as a full-time writer and author.

OP I really think mathanxiety has a lot of good points. I even wonder if you maybe started the post because you recognise there are some issues with your partner.

I don't think reading is a "pursuit" or hobby. It's not in any way equivalent to badminton or football. It's elemental. If you are widely read you have been exposed to a huge range of ideas, other lives, periods in history, thoughts and feelings of other people. It's not an intelligence thing either but readers ime have curiosity and thoughtfulness. Its very important to me and I couldn't share my life with a non reader.

Books got me through an unhappy childhood. Pure escapism, made me realise that there was so much more to life than the life I was stuck in.

If you are widely read you have been exposed to a huge range of ideas, other lives, periods in history, thoughts and feelings of other people

You can get all those things without reading.

And you can also read a ton of books and still miss out on all those things.

I'd rather my kids wandered around with kindles in their hands rather than ipads

Its difficult to replicate what books can offer you, be they fiction or non. In a couple of hours reading, you could effectively be consuming what someone has worked for years on. That is not the same as watching documentaries or films which usually cull back all but the essential information/storyline, though filmmaking is an artform in itself and to be appreciated on its own merits. My dh does not read, he is a educated clinician and has to read to keep up professional knowledge but doesn't do so for pleasure. He feels that he has undiagnosed dyslexia and finds reading a bit of a painful process though has done lots of focused reading to get him through his qualifications. He is happy that I encourage pleasurable reading in our dc as he feels thats something he missed out on and sees the benefits. I guess your dp may have the same difficulties and his anger comes from jealousy, embarassment, etc, that is why he has attacked you, he doesn't want you to feel he is stupid/unintelligent. Me and dh have always talked about it openly, I have a strong interest in dyslexia and education as I studied in that area, so often I interview dh on his experiences!

I'd rather my kids wandered around with kindles in their hands rather than iPads

Mine are with kindles right now! (But they are using them to play roblox and minecraft!! There's a surprising amount of reading required to play the former!!)

There is a correlation between dads that read and sons that read. If boys see their Dad reading they know that it is something that boys do. Apparently the decline in boys' ability at school is because Dad's aren't seen reading at home. (Though I live in North America where anti-intellectualism is rife).

I have friends that don't read that are extremely frustrated that they have to force their kids to read. I don't have the guts to tell them what's wrong.

If your DH/DP (you appear to get divorced in the middle of your post) said he didn't like reading and would much prefer to use his Kindle to batter orphans, I could understand your frustration

It's sad he didn't encourage his kids to read, I'm a writer and obviously a massive reader and book lover. I read hundreds of books a year and own thousands.

I do try however to be tolerant of the fact that my DH and 2 of my 4 children don't like reading for pleasure. This might be because they don't process words easily (like they process numbers or images) or just that they find their pleasure elsewhere- coding, gaming (fantasy), sports, making/fixing things.

It took me probably 16 years to accept that my son wasn't a reader. But hey, he loves life, he got a 5 in both his English exams, he will be successful in his field.

My accountant DH gets pleasure from numbers, pure pleasure! Who am I to take that away from him I try not to judge 😂

By the way- I have four children, a house fill of books, read lots. Two of my kids just don't get reading.

I don't listen to the radio and I've had the odd Radio 4 listener tell me I can't be that informed blah blah, just as some are saying about people that don't read.

MrNC is severely dyslexic and used to not read for pleasure until I found some books that would have a 'payoff' in every paragraph. He wouldn't read anything that takes pages to build atmosphere but enjoys Bill Bryson, Pratchett, and a few other authors. He gets news from the radio and often asks me what he should know about issues (it's partly my job to keep up with news), and sometimes asks what I'm reading about - summarising books he'll never read is quite fun. He has other talents.

He probably hasn't encouraged the kids to read but there's a difference between not encouraging and active discouraging. I don't think me reading has encouraged them nearly as much as taking them in tow to boring events where it's read or else.

People can like or dislike what they want but to try and argue that reading is not a beneficial activity is a bit far for me...

"there's more to life than books you know, but not much more"

I'm still really failing to get the value everyone is placing on reading for pleasure!? Yes it's useful to be able to read well, but why do you have to 'like' it to be considered some kind of decent human. And why especially do people look down on those that don't like fiction? And consider it 'sad'? It's so patronising.

I don't read for pleasure but my life is fulfilled. I have an academic job, a strong publishing record, am well acquainted with current affairs, and enjoy all manner of hobbies and interests, some creative and others not so. I also have a fulfilling family life, great DH and DCs, and also quite a few flaws!! because I'm human :)

Some people like reading, some people don't like reading. One group are not better than the other and it is not 'sad' to be in one group and not the other.

This thread is so frustrating!