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Original poster

Should my DM be doing more?

372 replies

crumble82 · 04/10/2018 20:23

I know the title makes me sound entitled, please read before jumping down my throat!

So my DM is in her early 60’s, in good health and lives locally. She loves her 2 grandchildren and often pops over to see them on my days off. However although we’ve asked her she doesn’t want to pick them up from school one afternoon a week as she likes to be flexible. Fine, I get that and I’m not pushing for it.

My DH gets really annoyed though, he reckons that most GM in her situation help out. Do they?

Visits are always on her terms, we get absolutely no help from her and I’m starting to get frustrated too, both from the lack of help and being stuck between her and DH.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit of help from her, or am I being as entitled as the thread heading sounds? I don’t really know why I’m asking as I’m not going to say anything and nothing is going to change but I feel like venting!

OP posts:
teaandtoast · 07/10/2018 17:27

Fair enough, millymae, but I feel trapped when I think about it.
22 years of picking up from school means I need some freedom now.

MyNameIsNotSteven · 07/10/2018 21:22

I never expected or got any help with my children from my parents or in laws.

Just out of interest @Gottagetmoving, what were your working patterns like? I ask because comparing myself with my DM or DMIL is like comparing apples with pears in terms of the working commitment needed simply to pay the bills.

MyNameIsNotSteven · 07/10/2018 21:22

Sorry, the top paragraph should've been in bold.

Gottagetmoving · 07/10/2018 21:57

Just out of interest @Gottagetmoving, what were your working patterns like? I ask because comparing myself with my DM or DMIL is like comparing apples with pears in terms of the working commitment needed simply to pay the bills

Not sure what you mean. When I said I got no help, I meant no babysitting, no help whatsoever. I gave up work when I had my first child and didn't go back until after my second child was in school because I had no support.
My point is, I never expected help despite struggling to manage. My son and dil expect help despite being well off on one salary.

Gottagetmoving · 07/10/2018 22:02

@Gottagetmoving I bet you were not consulted before DIL took the weird shift job

No,...I wasn't. They didn't tell me they would be relying on me for childcare. They sprung it on me.

thighofrelief · 08/10/2018 02:25

Gottaget could they pay you something? I think that would be fair.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 08/10/2018 02:41

My mum and mil help occasionally if asked, but wouldn't do a weekly day. They were all very involved for the first few years, but less now. If I needed them they would drop everything to help like in an emergency.

user1457017537 · 08/10/2018 02:42

Gottaget I’m another one who thinks could they pay you or even get some shopping for you to help out. You may not want payment but they could help you out financially. Before anyone tells me how hard it is for young families, it was ever thus!

PollyFlinderz · 08/10/2018 06:51

emergencies, yes.
Otherwise you can't ever say to your dh - let's go to Rome next week or whatever.

My days filled with my grandchildren including school runs but it doesn’t stop me doing anything including travelling on a whim if that’s what I want to do.

I think if you want to find an obstacle to things it’s very easy to find one. Just as it’s very easy to make things work if that’s what you want to do. Looking after grandchildren included.

Beaverhausen · 08/10/2018 07:00

I have only known my in laws for 4 years and they live 30min away from us, if DP and I ever need DD picked up from school or to stay over at theirs and they are not away on the day they are more than happy to do so.

Beaverhausen · 08/10/2018 07:01

I guess it depends on the GP my Inlaws would do everything they can for theirs and spend as much time as possible with them.

ShineOnHarvestMoon · 08/10/2018 09:28

They didn't tell me they would be relying on me for childcare. They sprung it on me
And if you resist or say you can't do it, you can see from this thread the likely responses: that you are selfish and uncaring.

I am agog at the levels of expectation & entitlement on this thread. Your mothers have done their child-rearing - you! If they want to help with their grandchildren that should be a choice, not an expectation. And certainly not regarded with such judgement which appears from some posters on this thread.

Jammyfu · 08/10/2018 09:39

The thing that I find, is fair enough gps aren't obliged to help obviously, we know they have their own lives albeit sedentary but the offer would be nice here and there. Many gps at our school do both school runs 5 days a week and they want to! In my case mine are so booked up with social events, shopping etc ( which they deserve) with no spare days yet when THEY want to visit, its only that day or none and it's not convenient for us there's a whole pity me thing going on and ' we never see the grandchildren!' Can't just drop clubs and pre booked lessons I'm afraid just like they can't drop badminton or church lunches. Works both ways.

zzzzz · 08/10/2018 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2018 09:57

@thighofrelief @user

I did suggest to my son they pay me a small amount and then I wouldn't look for a part time job ( they will want me to look after the boys most of school holidays) My son was shocked and said his wife would go mad if he paid me because they are my grandchildren! Hmm
I'm thinking of looking for a job, will help out if I'm available and they will have to sort out childcare like anyone else does.
It's mad, it will cost them a lot more than giving me a few quid every week!

Diamonoz · 08/10/2018 10:14

I do find it alarming you'd want a fee for looking after your own grandchildren but that should've been clarified before you took on the role surely? They should at least treat you or buy you something occasionally to show gratitude but you shouldn't expect payment if you agreed to it.

sparkling123 · 08/10/2018 10:15

Not sure either way but I can see why you would question it considering her own Mum helped her a lot with you.
I am thinking the same for mine. We were always at GMs as kids, she picked us from School frequently and other running around, looking after us when we were sick off school etc but my Mum is very much wanting to do things on her terms and schedule it all around her granny groups / social life.
I don't think there is a lot I will be able to do really and I would feel unreasonable personally to demand she did regular care if she doesn't want to.
The only thing I am thinking will work is that I schedule my working days around her planned social groups, at the end of day Granny day care is the cheapest around!

thighofrelief · 08/10/2018 10:25

Diamonoz - It's not as simple as that. Gottagetmoving is thinking of part time work because she is struggling a little financially. She is unable to take work because childcare is needed. DCs are able to earn more due to be able to work more because of gottaget's childcare. Share and share alike surely?

Diamonoz · 08/10/2018 10:29

Yes I understand that but this should've been discussed before she agreed to it. They obviously thought she was up to it and didn't want payment otherwise wouldn't they pay her? She should have clearly said she needs more income?

thighofrelief · 08/10/2018 10:37

But they didn't ask her before Upping their hours whether she could or would do it.

Diamonoz · 08/10/2018 10:43

Then she should've said something obviously? Like...I can't do it?

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2018 11:10

I do find it alarming you'd want a fee for looking after your own grandchildren but that should've been clarified before you took on the role surely?

I don't want a fee. I want to work to earn the money I need.
This evolved. I've always stepped in when needed.
My son has been hoping his wife would get a job for years because she is always complaining they need a bigger house. He works long hours and has to travel a lot in his job.
I was told she was going to get a part time job and asked if I could do some school pick ups if needed. I do that sometimes anyway.
As it turned out, she now has a job doing long shifts which are on a changing pattern. Some weeks they hardly need me, other weeks they need me a lot. I was not told it would be full time or that the shift patterns mean I can't get a job that would fit in.
Their income is probably six times our income so as they don't have to pay childcare and saving a fortune, they are better off at my expense.
The solution would be to pay me a small amount so I don't need to get a part time job but apparently, being the grandmother I should do it for nothing and lose out financially.
I have never expected anything for babysitting or helping but this is different. It's a permanent commitment.
Anyway, I need to discuss it with my son and may have to get a part time job.

Bowties · 08/10/2018 11:17

Gottagetmoving.. You need to tell them that you are looking for work as you need more income and that you can't yet because you're doing occasional childcare which is binding you. Then theyl have to pay you something or go private which won't be beneficial! They're lucky you're doing all this but you really need to tell them as I think they maybe don't realise??

PollyFlinderz · 08/10/2018 11:17

I do find it alarming you'd want a fee for looking

You scare very easily and should get a grip

zzzzz · 08/10/2018 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.