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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should my DM be doing more?

372 replies

crumble82 · 04/10/2018 20:23

I know the title makes me sound entitled, please read before jumping down my throat!

So my DM is in her early 60’s, in good health and lives locally. She loves her 2 grandchildren and often pops over to see them on my days off. However although we’ve asked her she doesn’t want to pick them up from school one afternoon a week as she likes to be flexible. Fine, I get that and I’m not pushing for it.

My DH gets really annoyed though, he reckons that most GM in her situation help out. Do they?

Visits are always on her terms, we get absolutely no help from her and I’m starting to get frustrated too, both from the lack of help and being stuck between her and DH.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit of help from her, or am I being as entitled as the thread heading sounds? I don’t really know why I’m asking as I’m not going to say anything and nothing is going to change but I feel like venting!

OP posts:
teaandtoast · 08/10/2018 11:23

@PollyFlinderz - I don't see how you can travel on a whim, if your days are filled with grandchildren including school runs!

PollyFlinderz · 08/10/2018 11:24

Gottagetmoving,

Ignore the numpty who’s easily scared. You’re in a very difficult situation and I think I’d say to my son - I’m feeling the pinch quite considerably and need to start job hunting. And You’d not be doing it out of spite or as a threat because it’s nothing more than reality.

One of two things will happen. You’ll either be able to go job hunting or you’ll be offered something as you still helping out benefits all of you.

As for your daughter in law - she sounds like a charmer. But, you only have your sons word that she’d think the way he claims she would.

PollyFlinderz · 08/10/2018 11:26

@PollyFlinderz - I don't see how you can travel on a whim, if your days are filled with grandchildren including school runs!

That would be because you’re not aware of how it’s possible.

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2018 11:32

As for your daughter in law - she sounds like a charmer. But, you only have your sons word that she’d think the way he claims she would

I'm pretty sure she does think that way because I know her well. She has some odd ideas Grin
I think my son treads on eggshells with her a lot of the time.

teaandtoast · 08/10/2018 11:33

😂

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2018 11:36

you really need to tell them as I think they maybe don't realise??

I've told my son. He thinks because I've managed a little while with no job that it's not a problem. We aren't destitute....but I don't have much after paying bills.

PollyFlinderz · 08/10/2018 11:41

I'm pretty sure she does think that way because I know her well. She has some odd ideas grin
I think my son treads on eggshells with her a lot of the time.

So it’s both of the really.

Anyway, I think you have justification for telling your son that times are very hard for you and the reality is you need some extra income.

zzzzz · 08/10/2018 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2018 11:47

So it’s both of the really

It is both of them. They are both nuts Grin

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 08/10/2018 11:52

Q

choli · 08/10/2018 15:18

I did suggest to my son they pay me a small amount and then I wouldn't look for a part time job ( they will want me to look after the boys most of school holidays) My son was shocked and said his wife would go mad if he paid me because they are my grandchildren! hmm

Tell your DIL to hit up her own mother for free childcare.

choli · 08/10/2018 15:28

The only thing I am thinking will work is that I schedule my working days around her planned social groups, at the end of day Granny day care is the cheapest around!

This is what it's really all about - money! One grandmother dares to suggest she should be compensated for her childminding work and her son and his wife "would go mad" and another poster "is alarmed", probably because she is afraid her own mother or mother in law will realise that she is being taken advantage of.

Despite all the bleating about "wanting GM to spend time with the children" and "it makes me feel unloved" the truth is all about the parents pocket. Even though the GM would childmind for much less that it would cost the couple to pay strangers, that's not good enough, they want it for free while pretending it's all about family.

PollyFlinderz · 08/10/2018 16:52

It is both of them. They are both nuts grin

I love your honesty 😂

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2018 17:15

Tell your DIL to hit up her own mother for free childcare

Sadly, both her parents died.
I would happily do it for free if I didn't need to earn some money. My grandkids are good company.
My grandson told me his mum says I put daft ideas in their heads! Grin I reckon that's my job!

Biibywiiby · 08/10/2018 17:22

CHOLI. Of course it's about the money,otherwise everyone would use paid childcare?? I am too quite surprised and alarmed that a grandparent would want paying for a little childcare here and there. And,no I had no help or offers from grandparents despite them knowing I would not be returning to work because it would cost us more than my salary at the time. They chose to turn a blind eye because it wasn't their problem. I'm wondering if you are indeed one of these grandparents who feel hard done by?? Or your parents are so wonderful that you wouldn't dare to call them selfish and unhelpful??

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2018 17:28

I am too quite surprised and alarmed that a grandparent would want paying for a little childcare here and there

In my case,cost not 'a little here and there' and it means I can't get a part time job because of dils changing shift patterns, so basically, you are surprised and alarmed because I think it's unfair I will struggle financially to make sure they are better off when they can already afford holidays abroad and spend money Willy nilly.....something I can't do.
What a selfish cow I am!

choli · 08/10/2018 17:28

CHOLI. Of course it's about the money,otherwise everyone would use paid childcare?? I am too quite surprised and alarmed that a grandparent would want paying for a little childcare here and there. And,no I had no help or offers from grandparents despite them knowing I would not be returning to work because it would cost us more than my salary at the time. They chose to turn a blind eye because it wasn't their problem. I'm wondering if you are indeed one of these grandparents who feel hard done by?? Or your parents are so wonderful that you wouldn't dare to call them selfish and unhelpful??

I am not a grandparent, but I see when I visit the UK just how many of my friends are being guilted into providing more childcare than they wish, are unhappy about it exhausted, but are afraid to stop doing it because they know that all the things being said on this thread will be said about them by their own children.

Busybusybust · 08/10/2018 17:31

I am in my late 60s and would consider it an honour and privilege to have my grandchildren for a day a week! Sadly I don’t have any (yet!)

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2018 17:32

@choli

Thats another issue...how tiring it can be.

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2018 17:35

I am in my late 60s and would consider it an honour and privilege to have my grandchildren for a day a week!

Indeed it is. I've always felt that.
Having them a lot, lot more than that,....not so much.

Biibywiiby · 08/10/2018 17:35

Ah thought so. The same generation then. And maybe your grandparent friends here in the UK will tell you how difficult it is paying for childcare and that they'd actually prefer a relative to mind them instead? most grandparents are paid if they want to be. Most are comfy on their pensions with no mortgage left to pay they have more disposable income and time. I, will definitely be doing ALL I can should I become a grandparent, purely for the love and care of the children.

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2018 17:39

I will definitely be doing ALL I can should I become a grandparent, purely for the love and care of the children*

You are in a lucky position if you can do that, however, love doesn't pay the bills if you are not in that position.

Jeez, I'm surprised people can be so oblivious to other people's situations.

starfish8 · 08/10/2018 17:42

I don't live near my family and my in laws are totally useless. They live in their own world and would never offer practical help like a school pick up per week. They very rarely come to visit us (15 mins away) and seem to expect us to visit them with our son rather than the other way around.

This started when he was a baby, no practical help at all, just wanted to come around and have a glass of wine or two and coo the baby! Hmm

In this circumstance I'm happy to use after school clubs, they're more reliable and I know I won't get get let down.

It often feels like everyone else gets help and we don't, but deep down I know that's true. We chose to have our son so get on with it. And as my husband says, 'what goes around comes around', we won't be going above and beyond when they're older.

starfish8 · 08/10/2018 17:43

It often feels like everyone else gets help and we don't, but deep down I know that's true.

NOT true!

NoNewsisGood · 08/10/2018 17:45

My DM is the same. In our day, GC were an enjoyment, not a job and she feels she should now have the same - enjoy DC on her terms and not be beholden. After all, my DC are my DC, not hers. I wish grandparents would stop helping out so much so that the working world realises that school picks up need to happen and that one parent needs to do them and makes changes to the rigid 9-5 attitude. Nothing will change with that until women stop passing the childcare issue onto their mothers. We need to make sure men are doing their fair sure of child care so we can work and be parents.