Should my DM be doing more?

[crumble82]

I know the title makes me sound entitled, please read before jumping down my throat!

So my DM is in her early 60’s, in good health and lives locally. She loves her 2 grandchildren and often pops over to see them on my days off. However although we’ve asked her she doesn’t want to pick them up from school one afternoon a week as she likes to be flexible. Fine, I get that and I’m not pushing for it.

My DH gets really annoyed though, he reckons that most GM in her situation help out. Do they?

Visits are always on her terms, we get absolutely no help from her and I’m starting to get frustrated too, both from the lack of help and being stuck between her and DH.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit of help from her, or am I being as entitled as the thread heading sounds? I don’t really know why I’m asking as I’m not going to say anything and nothing is going to change but I feel like venting!

But surely if you love someone you want to help.

But according to some, I cannot possibly have built a loving, caring relationship with my grandparents, based on the lack of childcare provision. And my mum should have been furious at their lack of support and quite possibly should refused to provide any support when my grandfather had a significant stroke and subsequently developed vascular dementia. And left granny to get on with it when she was diagnosed with cancer- after all, she "didn't make herself useful" as one delightful PP put it.

Which is just rubbish, in my opinion. Grandparents can spend time with children and build a relationship without having to provide regular childcare to do so. The popping round and spending time, having a chat and having them to stay at the weekend will allow a relationship to be built and shows that OPs DM must care in some way to bother coming round/wanting to look after them for the weekend.

Never had any help but had no one nearby, one gm would go a full year without seeing them unless we made the effort to drive to her, and even then she would be "too busy" to see us when we stayed with other (more friendly) relatives. I don't think one day a week is an unreasonable request, but on the other hand, they are your kids not her responsibility and I'm guessing she is enjoying retirement!

My DM used to whine that she’d die grandchild-less. She really went on about it. Then we had dd. She’d pop in every few weeks, expect a cuppa and a clean, awake, calm baby to coo over for half an hour. She basically wanted a few pics for Facebook so she could show how marvellous a Nonna she was.

Now she posts sad posts on FB about how her DGD (and us) have pushed her away. Reap what you sow, lady. I’m not forcing my 7yo to ring/text/visit a woman she barely knows, and who wouldn’t be able to say what class she’s in at school.

Of course no one is ‘obligated’ to provide childcare or help, but these baby boomers have form for wanting to ‘cherry-pick’ the bits of family interactions they want. And most of them had parents who couldn’t do enough to help them back in the day. I call it hypocritical, selfish and seriously deluded. Something tells me they are going to find old age as lonely (and expensive) as we are finding child-rearing years. That’s not a threat, it’ll just happen as an inevitability. By all means, DMs, suit yourselves and keep your schedules as flexible and autonomous as you like. Just be very sure you enjoy it so much all the way to the end.

Hmmm turns out I’m still a teeny bit bitter about it all...but I think I hide it well

Of course no one is ‘obligated’ to provide childcare or help, but these baby boomers have form for wanting to ‘cherry-pick’ the bits of family interactions they want. And most of them had parents who couldn’t do enough to help them back in the day. I call it hypocritical, selfish and seriously deluded. oh yeah!!!

Skittlesandbeer. Couldn't have said it better.. You've just said everything I needed to get out too. Wonderful!!! A LOT are with us normal parents on this subject. . CHOLI.. and the other nasty posters .. I think you are either deluded or you are actually the cold hearted self centred grandmothers themselves under the charade of a mum with youngsters on here. and you just don't like the truth. Either way you are all going to be lonely miserable lemon sucking creatures if that's your attitude. I pity your children if that's what you teach them how to love your children

“There your kids though why be exhausted and fed up”

Yeah OP, why be exhausted and fed up? They’re your kids. No one’s OWN children ever made them feel tired or annoyed.

YANBU OP

I think yanbu to think that she could help you out every so often. Fair enough she doesn't want a regular commitment, but if she's happy to have them on some weekends it wouldn't hurt her to have them occasionally when it would really help you out. She's not being very considerate or thinking of you much, which is the hurtful thing. It's not even the fact that she doesn't do it, it's the fact that she doesn't want to do something, which wouldn't take much, to please you.

Lots of your standard angry and totally uncalled for MN comments on here. I'll never understand why so many of you get so aggressive when someone's clearly asking a very neutral question.

I would be completely lost without my parents, they adore my girls and help us hugely, they do this out of choice and because they love their grandchildren and want to help me as their daughter. I'm only mid thirties but I already can't wait for grandkids someday.

If my parents didn't offer to help I would be asking myself the same questions as the OP so I don't think she's being at all UR.

Many of you are saying she's had her children so why should she bother with yours, I think that's an awful and pretty sad outlook.

YABVU OP. This bit especially ..
and she doesn’t lift a finger

Why should she lift a finger? Small children can be tiresome and tiring. She's done her bit raising you. Now it's your turn.

Why should she lift a finger, ferrier? Just ... wow

So you think a grandmother is obligated to help then DeadGood?

The people on this thread who don't see it this way will probably be very lonely when they get old.

In reply to all those who didn't get what I meant:
This means that because they would not offer help and put themselves out to help, that maybe the family in their life's faded away and did not bother to visit them as they got older. Why would you expect your grandkids to be around if there is no bond and no family love there. Selfishness breeds selfishness.

I do not mean that if a grandparent who doesn't help or any family member who doesn't help deserves that but it is to be expected.

Also I would not do this myself but I can understand the resentment and frustration that grows when you feel that your family does not care for you.

Does it satisfy people who don't help out? Do they sit there thinking, I've done my bit, you've made your bed, you lie in it?

If a neighbour said I'm really ill, please, please will you go to the chemist for me you would do it, surely?

It is not uncommon.

We can start to feel that "everyone's" parents are hands on helpers but if you did a quick poll of your children's peer group you'd probably find that there are plenty who have no access to family help on a regular basis.

Personally I've had no family help raising my children and I have at times imagined how amazing it would be to have someone show interest in my children, never mind spend time with them, but I pretty quickly realised that this is my lot. It's no one's fault, it's just how it is so I need to make the most of what I do have (healthy and lovely children, a home, a job, friends etc)

You can't change other people but you can adjust your expectations to reduce your sense of disappointment.

Your partner really has no right to be expecting anything of your mother, what a twat.

You can of course hire babysitters if you need regular help.

And here we are, in 2018, not arguing about the fil.

My parents have very very rarely helped out. And I have more than the average number of kids so it would have been handy at times. But they don't really like small kids. They never have done. Now my kids are older I don't need their help. BUT my relationship with them is completely unaffected. I accept that they don't like small kids. That doesn't stop them liking me or liking the GC as they got older.
Grandparents are not obligated to help!

I am inclined to agree with skittles my DC's grandparents give a lot less help than they got given. My MIL (who I actually really like) went on at great length about all the help her mother gave but the only time we had an emergency and really needed her she was nowhere to be seen. There has been a consequence of this, we decided that staying close to her didn't need to be factored into out life plans as it was really one way traffic. She has a good relationship with DC, they are really fond of her but she only sees them once or twice a year. If she had been a reliable part of our lives we could have depended on, like her DM was for her, we would have been unlikely to have decided to move the DC to another country. I do admire GP who support their adult DC and my DH and I have both agreed we will aim to be more like our grandparents and less like our parents.

I think your DH is being unreasonable. Your mum helps out sometimes but doesn't want to be on a schedule. If I were her, I wouldn't appreciate your DH attitude that she isn't doing her "job".

In many families the grandparents have very different levels of expectations based on sexism. The maternal grandmother has the most responsibility, even more than the child's actual father in some cases. The paternal grandfather has the least.

I think it's telling that on this whole thread only a couple of people have asked about your dad OP, and you haven't thought it relevant to mention in your posts. Maybe in your case he isn't around, has passed away, lives far away or some other good reason. But in many cases he could live next door and there would be no expectation that a single grandfather would do school runs or babysit children over the weekend. If you look at it that way you can see why the expectations your DH has of your mum are a bit unfair.

Actually that is an interesting question. Was anyone here, or have their dc been, looked after by a solo grandpa regularly or for a long period like a whole day or overnight? Not looked after by gm and gp was there, or looked after by both together, but just by gp. Has anyone seen a gp on a school run?

For myself I can say no. I was taken care of by both grandmothers, but never just by a grandfather. Also I can't imagine my dad looking after my dc alone unless it was an absolute emergency. He certainly wouldn't do it for fun, as my mum would.

My father in law used to do the school run, and drop my children off to pre-school and pick them up afterwards. He offered, I accepted and was very grateful for his help. Both sets of grandparents helped out if needed, and I hope to be able to do the same for any future grandchildren I may have. (The important words, to my mind though, are “if needed”.)

Ok I didn’t really expect this thread to continue which is why I haven’t posted on it for a while. This was never meant to be an anti DH post though so to answer some questions:
My DH is incredibly involved in the childcare and quite comfortably does 50% of it. He has accepted my DMs reasons for not helping out on a weekly basis and neither of us have asked again or got upset about it. What we’re both annoyed with, and I don’t think I made this very clear in my OP, is that ad hoc help is not very forthcoming when we really need it.

My DF is not around, hence why I didn’t mention him.

My PIL are lovely and do help out when asked but they live 3 hours away, are old and for the odd day helping out it can actually make more work as they have to stay.

I do let the DC stay with my DM some weekends, I’m not a complete martyr! But I want to spend time with them at weekends too so the offers of overnight stays would be more appreciated at times when we need the help.

I’m feeling a bit more sane this morning and the issue I was having around childcare has been resolved

Thursday my DF looks after DS solo for the day.

Crumble I'm in agreement with you, I'd hope my DM or another family member would help out if I were in your situation. I'd also look after my DNs if needed in a similar situation.

OP, you’re not being unreasonable based on the fact that I see my role as a grandma as being an extension of my grandchildren’s parents. I’m their extra pair of hands and I’m happy to do whatever is needed. They don’t take advantage of me even though I do school runs etc every day, take the kids to hobbies, take them on holiday, and like last week move into one house to look after my grandchildren for a week.

I’m sorry your mum won’t help out.

I love what I do but I know if I had to slow down, or take a step back, it wouldn’t be a problem with my familiy.

Wow I would love it if my mil actually bothered to come round and see her grandchildren let alone offer to have them at the weekend. Sounds like she wants to spend the day doing something fun with them rather than being the help until you come home.