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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my DM be doing more?

372 replies

crumble82 · 04/10/2018 20:23

I know the title makes me sound entitled, please read before jumping down my throat!

So my DM is in her early 60’s, in good health and lives locally. She loves her 2 grandchildren and often pops over to see them on my days off. However although we’ve asked her she doesn’t want to pick them up from school one afternoon a week as she likes to be flexible. Fine, I get that and I’m not pushing for it.

My DH gets really annoyed though, he reckons that most GM in her situation help out. Do they?

Visits are always on her terms, we get absolutely no help from her and I’m starting to get frustrated too, both from the lack of help and being stuck between her and DH.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit of help from her, or am I being as entitled as the thread heading sounds? I don’t really know why I’m asking as I’m not going to say anything and nothing is going to change but I feel like venting!

OP posts:
Original poster
crumble82 · 06/10/2018 07:43

Yes snapped and that is why I don’t say no to her having the DGC at weekends, it just gets frustrating that the help is always on her terms and I don’t feel like I can ask for a favour from my own DM.

OP posts:
MyNameIsNotSteven · 06/10/2018 09:04

I am disgusted by the attitude that if your parents/grandparents don't help out with childcare then as they are of no use to you, you should leave them to struggle in their old age. Do we really only help people if they are of use to us? And do we really only help others in the expectation of "payback" in the future?

You're disgusted by the attitude that kindness and support will be met by kindness and support?

Honestly, the only GP I had who supported my parents in any way was my grandad who died when I was 13. The rest, as it happened, were selfish in more ways than one. I don't feel inclined to be spending lots of time with them now because their attitude as younger grandparents didn't really endear them to me. I have no real relationship with them and I don't feel obliged to have one.

My late DM had a great attitude. She was never going to be the free childcare, and planned to use her retirement to live a full life (unfortunately she died before that). However she happily picked DD up for us once a week and would step in in an emergency. There's nothing outrageous or grabby in expecting that.

My MIL is great. She picks up for us twice a week and will temporarily do a bit more next year. She's retired and genuinely enjoys being with them as a change from the norm. Her contribution during an awkward time will be gratefully remembered by us in future, and yes she will benefit from having family who live close by and want to look out for her.

My DF works but has picked up for me when able, and also babysits at the weekend from time to time. I don't ask much.

There's a difference between gratefully accepting a bit of help and expecting a grandparent to raise your child. It's also perfectly understandable to feel hurt by a grandparent who's unwilling to lift a finger or only do the Disney-grandparent thing. I will gladly do the odd pick up for my DGC in future and encourage my DCs to have a bit of a social life while I babysit.

lovetherisingsun · 06/10/2018 09:42

There's a difference between gratefully accepting a bit of help and expecting a grandparent to raise your child. It's also perfectly understandable to feel hurt by a grandparent who's unwilling to lift a finger or only do the Disney-grandparent thing

Well said.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/10/2018 10:37

“And here we are, in 2018, not arguing about the fil”

Ha I wondered when someone would try to put a feminist slant on it. OP was asking about her mother, not her father, so of course people will post about their experiences with their own mothers. Why don’t people read it properly and not try to make it something it isn’t?

I don’t know what part of the country people live in to never see grandfathers doing any childcare but it’s quite common round here.

thighofrelief · 06/10/2018 10:52

When I went back to work (very part time) with a 4 month old it was planned that Mum would come to my house and take the baby along to the local coffee and baby thing. She was looking forward to the gossip and being with the baby. On the day I opened the door and there was my Dad as Mum felt ropey. He followed her plan and trotted along to the mums and babies thing for a week. He had a blast and people on my estate still stop me 20 years later and ask after both my parents.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 06/10/2018 11:28

My mum is available 3 of 5 days but has never wanted or offered to help with regular after school pick ups or care - that's fine! She's raised her children, it was mine and my sister's decision to have children so we look after them. In an emergency she will drop everything to help and do whatever is needed which to me is far more helpful and important.

headinhands · 06/10/2018 12:15

Ha I wondered when someone would try to put a feminist slant on it.

It was a response to the tone of some of the replies and the distinct lack of grandfathers being mentioned.

thighofrelief · 06/10/2018 12:29

Zigzag but how would you feel if in an emergency she flat out refused, not because she can't but because she won't? So your spleen is hanging out and she says "I've raised my kids, you raise yours"

ShineOnHarvestMoon · 06/10/2018 12:37

it just gets frustrating that the help is always on her terms

Frankly, as it should be.

My DB & SiL relied on my mother (aged in her mid-70s) for childcare for 4 days a week (without payment). I hadn't seen my mother for a couple of years (she lives half a word away) and I was shocked at how this exhausted her.

I was quite angry with my brother & SiL - my SiL tried to insist that she knew how much my mother liked it. I just had to laugh at my SiL thinking she knew my mother better than I do.

So no, your MiL or your mother do not have to do anything - they've raised their children.

llangennith · 06/10/2018 12:37

I understand how you feel OP. My DM never helped us at all when I was a young mum of three small DC. We never got a break. I envied friends with helpful parents.
My sister and I are both hands on grandmothers and the reward is lovely close relationships with our DGC. Most of my friends help out with their DGC as much as they can. I don't understand GPs who won't help their DC.

PollyFlinderz · 06/10/2018 16:55

I just had to laugh at my SiL thinking she knew my mother better than I do

Perhaps she did. You live half a world away and hadn’t seen her for a couple of years.

DeadGood · 06/10/2018 18:36

“So you think a grandmother is obligated to help then DeadGood?”

Sure do, spiteful. Not on a regular basis, but as and when, if the grandparents are close by and able to help - yes, absolutely. Pathetic not to.

DeadGood · 06/10/2018 18:37

ShineOn 4 days a week of unpaid work is clearly too much. But refusing to help even occasionally - I think that is problematic and a shame.

thighofrelief · 07/10/2018 00:46

DeadGood I agree, refusing to do anything is at best odd at worst cruel. I wouldn't refuse help to a neighbour in a crisis never mind my own adult DC. What is so awful about helping out?

ferrier · 07/10/2018 09:20

'Obligated' and 'pathetic'. Goodness me ... I just appreciate my dps for giving me a decent childhood. Anything extra would be a bonus. They did one day a week child minding for my sister and didn't enjoy it. Why would I expect them to look after my children in those circumstances?

thighofrelief · 07/10/2018 09:25

ferrier but helping in an emergency? Not regularly.

ferrier · 07/10/2018 09:27

It depends what you define as an emergency. They'd help for a hospital visit or similar. Not for a parents evening or for a social event.

thighofrelief · 07/10/2018 09:34

A broken leg and flu and a child at school who needs picked up.

millymae · 07/10/2018 10:11

I’ve come to this thread late and not read all the comments but my own take on this is that the OP’s mum’s unwillingness to do a school pick up says more about her mum than the OP’s DH
I’d like to think that as a grandmother, in good health and living close by I’d be willing to lose a bit of flexibility on one day out of 7 in term time to do a school pickup, so making things easier for my grandchildren’s family and giving me the opportunity to spend sometime alone with them.
People can argue all they want about there being no obligation on a grandparent to help, but in my view, in circumstances like the OPs it just shows a degree of selfishness on the part of the unwilling grandparent. Sorry OP I’m with your DH here - I don’t think it would inconvenience your mum too much to commit to one school pick up a week.

teaandtoast · 07/10/2018 13:48

@millymae - being tied to that weekly obligation after years of already doing it is too much to ask, imo.
Holidays and short term emergencies, yes.
Otherwise you can't ever say to your dh - let's go to Rome next week or whatever.

Gottagetmoving · 07/10/2018 14:02

I'm in my mid 60s. I offer to pick my grandsons up from school often, if its not raining, as I walk them home. I do it because I want to and when I want to or if my dil is ill or busy.
Now my dil has a new job working weird shifts and I'm expected to do it and to prioritise it! I don't mind too much but it does annoy me that my son expects me to do it plus look after the kids when their work overloaded, so they can earn more money whilst I could do with a part time job as we are not that well off!
I don't think anyone should expect help from parents but it's lovely if help is offered.
I never expected or got any help with my children from my parents or in laws.

choli · 07/10/2018 16:11

@Gottagetmoving
I bet you were not consulted before DIL took the weird shift job. The thin edge of the wedge had already been inserted, and now they are starting to take advantage. This is exactly what the OP's mother is trying to avoid.

MistressDeeCee · 07/10/2018 16:23

Difficult one

No, your DM isn't obliged to help out.

But my cousin was also in similar situation whereby her DM made clear her child-rearing days were well and truly over. However now that DM is 76, she fully expects that the grandchildren should 'make' her life for her. Totally invested in where they go what they do, and requests visits too. Not to mention regularly calls them.

Luckily they're nice young people and don't mind visiting their gran from time to time and talking on the phone. Cousin doesn't bother with her mum too much. I think it galls that her mother was avery much hands off in terms of helping out with grandchildren

It's a 2 way street I think people should be careful what paths theyre setting for themselves at times.

I'm in my 50s and don't have grandchildren just yet. I'm never going to be one of those grans who dedicates her whole life to her grandchildren. But helping out once or twice a week no problem

MistressDeeCee · 07/10/2018 16:25

Gottagemoving your best off knocking that situation on the head. It doesn't work for you. Id go off and get myself a part-time job in your shoes, if that's what you need to do.

millymae · 07/10/2018 17:11

I take your point tea and toast, but there’s flexibility and flexibility. Perhaps my view is coloured by my own family. My mum picks up one day a week for my sister (and I’m sure would do the same for me if I needed her to) , but it doesn’t stop her and my dad taking off somewhere for a break. They work round the arrangement and forward plan, which doesn’t cause either party any great inconvenience. My sister is grateful because or the majority of time it saves her two lots of after school club fees one day a week, and my parents give her enough notice to make alternative arrangements should they not be around.
It’s hard and expensive enough to be a working parent nowadays and I think my parents see it as a way of helping out financially,
and seeing their grandchildren without it eating into my sister’s weekends at home.
I suppose it is just an arrangement that works for them, but if families have the capacity to help each other, then surely they should..

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