To have sex with him to keep the peace?

[BlazeM]

DH wants sex way more often than me.
He is currently furious with me as he thinks I am a selfish wife for not considering his ‘needs’. This stems from an argument last week where I was on my period, but refused to pleasure him by hand resulting in him being unable to sleep.
I have refused to have sex with him since, as quite frankly the way he’s behaving is repulsive.
He’s becoming more and more vile, ignoring me during the day, ranting at night not allowing me to go to sleep because he can’t sleep, threatening to go and have sex with other women, telling me if I loved my husband I should want to please him and I’m breaking up the family because I’m selfish and only care about myself.


We’ve had this same type of argument over and over again and I always give in and give him what he wants so that he will stop being such a prick.
Until the next time.


AIBU to just have sex with him to keep the peace, what do other people do in this situation where their partner’s sex drive is way higher than theirs?

Yeah my team were up for an award but I’ve had to miss the ceremony as he refused to look after the kids

So the abusive sexual behaviour is just one part of his bullying and controlling behaviour.

How old are your DC? This kind of behaviour being modelled for them will create their 'normal.' The likelihood is that he will seek to exert the same control over them at some point.

No child from a home where this kind of behaviour is rife ends up glad that they 'lived in a nice house' while one parent was abusive to the other.

I know it's hard OP, but have you thought about following up the advice on this thread, to seek help from WA or similar?

The relationship would be great if I............

No. The relationship is not great.
If you shagged every night and four times in Sunday, it would be something else.
He stops you going out. This is not normal.
He strangled you during unwanted sex. This is double not normal.
He blackmails you into sex. This is not normal.
He uses violent gestures (hand slamming and throwing stuff). This is unacceptable.
He gets very angry if you dare to stand your ground. This is not normal.

He has a problem and it is his and his alone. You have been conditioned to accept responsibility for triggering this behaviour. You are not doing this, he is. He is very good at this conditioning and you are very receptive because he switches between the two behaviours so well.
When he brings you gifts, apologises, cries, tells you he loves you, just remember his face as his hands tightened around your neck.
When he tells you, you are too beautiful to be around other men, just remember the disappointment you feel in missing your awards do tonight that you deserve to be at.
He is not a good man.
Just how long do you think it will be before your child thinks this is the norm? How long will it be before they grow up thinking that this is the way marriage and relationships work? How long before they demonstrate this behaviour to their partner? Kids see and hear so much more than we give them credit for. For your child's sake, for the future of their relationships if not your own sanity, get out and get out now otherwise your beautiful child will grow up without you when one of his outbursts goes too far.

This is horrifying reading.

OP, you sound like you are in a professional role. You are in a MUCH better position than many to leave him. I hope you do, because once you are outside of this situation, you will see it for how bad it really is.

This is a bit stark OP, and I know it's unpleasant to read, but children who grow up in this kind of environment often leave as soon as they possibly can.

As much as you probably think they don't see it or hear the abusive behaviour, they do. And they will.

I really hope you find the strength to leave him. He sounds like a horrible person to be married to.

I have been giving serious consideration to all the the advice here. Like I said previously, I knew the way he behaves is not good but hearing unanimously that this is abuse is unexpected and a shock.
It has however made me think about things that I have previously buried. For example ten years ago he refused to have sex at all when I was pregnant as it felt weird, apart from one night when he came home drunk, I said no but he did it anyway. I think that was the point that I lost respect for him.

He also tried to force me into having a termination after a unplanned pregnancy and became extremely angry and aggressive when they wouldn’t allow him into the consultation room. I posted on Mumsnet about that at the time under a different username and got some really good support to get through that situation, however I clearly wasn’t clever enough to realise exactly what was going on.

This has been going on so long that it’s my normal and to hear that it’s not actually normal is unsettling and scary.
I am going to speak to Women’s Aid. I won’t have an opportunity until next week as I will either be with him or at work, but as soon as I am alone I will make that call.

I feel gutted about this situation and scared for the future, but also hopeful that I might be able to change things for the better if I can somehow find the strength to do it.

Thankyou everyone for sharing your experiences and giving support, it really helps. And to those who are calling me a mug and slating me for damaging my kids... Fuck You. This really creeps up without you realising and those type of comments are not helpful when self esteem is already at rock bottom.

Good luck. Please do make that call, you'll never regret it. If you do make this scary first step your future can only be much better.

Fantastic work Blaze!

*I feel gutted about this situation and scared for the future, but also hopeful that I might be able to change things for the better if I can somehow find the strength to do it.

Thankyou everyone for sharing your experiences and giving support, it really helps. And to those who are calling me a mug and slating me for damaging my kids... Fuck You. This really creeps up without you realising and those type of comments are not helpful when self esteem is already at rock bottom.*

If it helps, take that rage at some of the shitposters on here and channel it into proving them wrong. Be happy and successful with your life, and raise good fucking kids! Use it as a spark to ignite the rage that you should be feeling about how long this... pitiful excuse of a human being has been holding you down. He's spent years pissing on you and you can't let him put your fire out.

Make the call, and soon.... get out. Best of luck!

Well done. You can make that call. It's such an important step for you.

Do you have anyone supportive at work OP? Occupational health? They can speak in confidence and may help facilitate the call with a private place

Good luck op, glad you're calling womens aid

OP l am so happy some comments have been helpful.

Good luck op and wishing you strength.

I've just RTFT. Man. That's awful OP.

Make that call.

Look at all the support you have here when you need it!

I will admit that I've been here for several years under several different names, I have been told multiple times that my ex was abusive that I ought to leave him, that I was damaging the kids.

I genuinely believed he could change because he wasn't 'that bad' and sure, I left him once for a year before going back and things were better, he had anger management, we had counselling, things were different and I stuck it out another few years before he started to slip, and then it took me another 2 years to pluck up the courage to finally say 'enough'

Even now, he still keeps asking me to try again, telling me we can fix it... we can't because I dont want to, my life is so much better with out him. We actually get on better as co-parents than as a couple because there isn't that pressure of sex or controlling issues.

Leaving is scary, its daunting, its not what you wanted or what you ever envisioned your life, but its better, my god, is it better.

You can do this, I know you won't until YOU are ready, but plan, get everything straight that you can and go for it. You are strong enough.

Wishing you strength and support Blaze.

My very best wishes to you OP. I used to be where you are now and as others have said, my God it is hard to initiate a split, but it is not impossible. I am so so very very glad that we are now divorced, even though it was a tough road.

Thanks for all your support.

It’s really impossible to call from work, I’m not making excuses. Yesterday I got home and realised I hadn’t even been to the toilet since before I left for work in the morning.
I don’t want to name my workplace but the conditions we work under are well publicised.

He’s still on best behaviour and after a discussion last night he says he says he feels terrible about the horrible things he says and is going to try really hard to change and stop getting so angry.
I am not under any illusion that this Mr Nice Guy act will last, however much I wish it were true. So as soon as I get time alone I will make contact with Women’s aid and start making a plan for the future.
I am looking forward to having that feeling of relief some of you have described xx

AIBU to just have sex with him to keep the peace Yes, because relenting isn't consenting. It's rape.

So the thread moved on a bit from what I had posted below, ... but I wanted to say this

I bet the cycle you are following is something like this:

One night you have "nice" consensual sex
He wants sex again the next night
You don't [too tired/kids are sick]
He pesters, coerces, calls you names, sulks, stops you sleeping etc etc [abuse]
You relent [rape]
He is on his best behaviour, may apologize, "let's you" go out, cooks dinner [honeymoon period]
You have consensual sex [honeymoon period]
You refuse next time [too tired/kids are sick]
He pesters, coerces, calls you names, sulks, stops you sleeping etc etc [abuse]
You relent [rape]
He is on his best behaviour [honeymoon period]
You have consensual sex [honeymoon period]

There is a name for this dance op, it's called the cycle of abuse

Remember, it doesn't have to be violent to be abuse.

@WomanHatingIncel
@Fashionista101
Refusing to allow/letting your partner to go to sleep is a tactic used by abusive men. Quite a common one too, it's under the heading of psychological/emotional abuse

I understand exactly what you're saying. It's not your fault. It does a long time to realise. Because we're not mugs, if a guy did this one a first date we'd run a mile. It's a gradual build up. So slowly it's normalised.

I also understand it's not easy to just LTB. There's a lot more to it and it takes time and multiple attempts.

This is the kind of think stupid boys say to vunerable girls.

• 'It's your fault I've got a hard-on. What you going to do about it?'
• 'It's painful to get a hard-on and not do anything about it'

It's all nonesense. Men putting their needs above women's. Sex is not ok if it's under pressure.

I also understand not 'feeling like it was rape.' But This is all part of rape culture. We've moved on as society and we know it's not ok.

I wish you peace and safety xx

I'm glad to hear you will call WA when you can. It won't be easy to leave, but it will be so worth it, and you will, in time, come out the other side.

Start your planning. Ask on here if you need tips and ideas for your planning. Keep safe, and good luck.

DPs sex drive is higher than mine. No way would I have sex to 'keep the peace' and he doesn't pressure me in that way anyway

But I've had sex with him when I haven't felt like it but I know he does, because I want to do that. My choice. I end up enjoying it anyway. It's just hard for me to get going at times. If I really don't want to do it tho, then we don't. & there's no issue at all.

DP is a kind man rhat does so much for and with me in day to day life. We are happy - and that makes all the difference.

Without kindness and respect any relationship is dead in the water. Your man is unkind so your relationship is on a road to nowhere.

I'd be drier than the Sahara faced with a man like yours who's riding roughshod over your feelings, and speaking to you so disrespectfully.. What woman would find that appealing?

Did someone tell him that rants and threats are sexy...?🙄

He needs to cop on to himself. Either way you'd have a much nicer life without him OP. Put yourself first.

OP wrote: This has been going on so long that it’s my normal and to hear that it’s not actually normal is unsettling and scary.

This response is entirely normal with anyone under the influence of an abuser. What seems as plain as day to others is obscured when you are the one living in that fog. And when it clears, accepting the reality of that situation is as difficult as it gets. OP, kudos to you for taking that hard first step. Be kind to yourself, be vigilant, and above all keep safe.

That Cycle of Abuse describes my life exactly.
Things were ok for the last couple of days but then I refused any sexual activity last night, this time instead of threats and intimidation he decided to watch porn loudly and wank in bed next to me while I tried to sleep.
On the plus side he didn’t going keep on at me until I relented or get agressive, but this isn’t normal behaviour is it? Or is it? I don’t even know what’s right anymore?!

Reading back some of my posts I think I seem like an absolute idiot for putting up with this but written down it sounds so much worse than it does in real life and it’s hard to tell what’s actually normal anymore.

Oh God - he is absolutely vile op!