To have sex with him to keep the peace?

[BlazeM]

DH wants sex way more often than me.
He is currently furious with me as he thinks I am a selfish wife for not considering his ‘needs’. This stems from an argument last week where I was on my period, but refused to pleasure him by hand resulting in him being unable to sleep.
I have refused to have sex with him since, as quite frankly the way he’s behaving is repulsive.
He’s becoming more and more vile, ignoring me during the day, ranting at night not allowing me to go to sleep because he can’t sleep, threatening to go and have sex with other women, telling me if I loved my husband I should want to please him and I’m breaking up the family because I’m selfish and only care about myself.


We’ve had this same type of argument over and over again and I always give in and give him what he wants so that he will stop being such a prick.
Until the next time.


AIBU to just have sex with him to keep the peace, what do other people do in this situation where their partner’s sex drive is way higher than theirs?

These responses are liberating in that they confirm my feelings that that his behaviour is not really acceptable.
However after all this time it is difficult to shake the feeling that this is partly my fault. If I didn’t make him angry then we would have a great relationship.
I’m not scared of him, yes it makes for a tense situation particularly when he’s slamming his hand down on furniture or chucking pillows, but he’s never physically violent to me.
He is not always awful.

He doesn’t have to be awful all the time. He’s doing it enough to keep you “in your place” Abusers can be lovely at times. If they were nothing but vile then people wouldn’t stay with them.
Your fault? You’re not responsible for the behaviour of another adult. He’s choosing to act like this.
You could have a great relationship. Just not with a nasty, angry, controlling, sexual pest.

If I didn’t make him angry then we would have a great relationship.

You are not making him angry. He is choosing to be angry.

It sounds like a lot of this kicks off at night because "he can't sleep". Sorry, but I'm a man. This is bollocks. Men are perfectly capable of sleeping without orgasms. As a guy, if you have wood, and a partner nearby, you might check to see if she wants to do anything with it based on her current tiredness levels, time of the month, and any other circumstances. If she doesn't, you deal with it yourself or you start thinking about football/your motorbike/your work/a book/whatever until it goes away.

Not even teenage boys with raging hormones are "unable to sleep" without wanking. I mean, most of us do it anyway, but it's not a biological necessity.

when he’s slamming his hand down on furniture or chucking pillows, but he’s never physically violent to me

Yet.

Sorry, I normally hate people on this board who assume the worst in every single situation, and I disagree with people who trot out LTB at any tiny provocation, but your post genuinely makes me scared for you.

OP, no abusive men are abusive the whole time. That's how they operate, by appearing 'normal' and saving that special fist-slamming, throwing, threatening, abusive aggression for those intimate moments just with their partner.

If I didn’t make him angry then we would have a great relationship

It's not your fault, OP.

I annoy my DH sometimes. He'd no more throw something or threaten me than he would fly to the moon. That doesn't make him amazing - that's just normal.

Please listen to the people trying to help you - I hope that you leave him and rediscover a lighter, happier, freer life for you and your children.

However after all this time it is difficult to shake the feeling that this is partly my fault. If I didn’t make him angry then we would have a great relationship

He has conditioned you to feel this way. If you were having sex 3 times a day...he'd find something else to tear you down.

I suppose I was hoping for experiences of how people manage mismatched sex drives

This is how it works round here... We have sex maybe a few times a month, sometimes more, sometimes less. DH really really likes physical affection and touch, and sex is part of that. So yes, he wants sex a lot more than I feel up for, for various reasons. Sometimes in the evening he'll hint either by kissing (reciprocated) and maybe a hand starts to wander, sometimes it's during the day in the kitchen. As soon as I pull away, or don't seem enthusiastic, or say "I'm tired, I'm in pain..", he stops, we have a nice non-sexual kiss or hug, and either go to sleep, or have a chat about the day. If we're cuddling, in bed or wherever, as soon as I don't actively lean into the touch, then he checks in with me, to see if what he's doing is ok. If I say no, or I'm tired, or whatever, then I might get the bambi eyes, but he stops immediately and there's no aggression, no teasing, no argument, no persuasion. Sometimes if I feel up to it we'll agree a different approach, sometimes he'll happily sort himself out, sometimes he reads his book and goes to sleep.

In fact, sometimes I'll not be in the mood, and he'll respect that, and then twenty minutes later I am in the mood, partly because I've got a choice, I'm not feeling browbeaten about it, or guilt-tripped, and that makes me more likely to want it.

If it's been a while (like post-babies) and he's got really frustrated, we've had a (calm and loving) chat about it, discussed how we feel, and usually we then make more time for each other, go on dates, make an effort to be more cuddly... and after a while, it happens, but there's no pressure. Usually he's happy with the cuddles and declares that actually that was what he was missing really. I do feel a bit bad sometimes, but not because he makes me feel bad, iyswim.

This is how normal, nice, decent men deal with it.

You are not making him angry, he is abusive, and it's absolute classic abuse that the abuser makes the victim think it's their fault.

If I didn’t make him angry then we would have a great relationship.

Oh, love

I just want to reach through the screen and give you a hug. This is no way to live.

Have a read of some other threads on the Relationships board and you’ll realise just how many other abused women say exactly the same kinds of things that you’ve said above. If you have to constantly police and modify your behaviour to keep him ‘happy’ then that’s a classic abuse sign. I’m really sorry.

I'm not married like yourself OP but I was in exact same situation with an ex. He threatened to sleep with another woman & I found out he had. Relationship turned toxic shortly after. It was a long time ago but I vividly remember the way he made my skin crawl banging on about it all the time, the Way he pestered me like it was my duty even though I was ill with a bad back, and I also remember the night I lubed myself up and told him to 'hurry up & get it over and done with' to which he did & that night will haunt me forever. I feel sick just thinking about it. By that point I absolutely detested him & I left the horrible abusive bastard not long after. That creepiness of them on top of you solely for their satisfaction only will make your blood turn cold.

Maybe TMI here but just reading your post made me shudder.

Op, I feel for you so much. Like many of the other commenters here, I have been where you are now, as well.

I too, was at a point of telling myself “he is not physically violent.”

When we are telling people and ourselves that it is not THAT bad, because he is not physically violent, then it is actually really, really bad.

I realise these responses are somewhat of a shock, because the abuse creeps in, and we think it is probably a bit bad, and don’t realise that, actually, what our husbands (now thankfully ex-husband) are doing, is very much not normal.
Just keep these responses in mind, and know, going forward, that here is a LOT of women who have your back.

If I didn’t make him angry then we would have a great relationship.

Oh my dear. I thought that too (first husband). It's not you, it's really not.

Charlottesshoezzzz

It's about time you gave him the elbow!

Hi OP,

I felt the same about my ex of 10 years.

After the first couple of years, we started growing apart and I got depression. My sex drive went really down but instead of him supporting me through a really shit time, all he did was nag me about sex. It went on for fucking years.

He would make me feel really bad, say it wasn't normal, was I not attracted to him anymore?, did I not love him anymore?, that he would leave me if I didn't have sex with him.

I really didn't realise it at the time but it was coercion. It felt fucking awful. I felt so bad, like I was a bad person for not considering his feelings, for not putting his needs first. God, I feel embarrassed even typing this.

The irony was every time he pushed and asked those questions, I become less attracted to him and wanted to fuck even less.

I'd had enough by the end of 10 years. He was an emotionally abusive and controlling fuckwit and I didn't realise until I'd gotten out.

Your partner is doing the same. He sounds awful in that regard and make no mistake this will seep into every other aspect of your relationship. You will tire of the nagging, you will end up resenting him. It sounds like he already resents you because he thinks his needs come first. If you don't do it now, you will end up leaving when you've had enough of feeling like shite when he coerces you.

Incidentally, I didn't realise that half of the reason I couldn't stand the idea of sex with my ex was because he never actually made me cum. Like never..... He never had the patience to take it slow or you know, pay attention to me. Lazy fuckwit.

Hes not that awful OP but you dont even like him? You need to be honest with yourself as to how you feel about him. As for different sex drives. Makes no difference. He hasnt any respect for yr feelings. Forcing someone by aggressive behaviour is abuse. You dont want it you say no. He has to live with that. Simple as.

This isn't actually about sex. He doesn't want sex half as much as he makes out. What he's getting his jollies from is hurting, intimidating and controlling you. If you conceded about the sex and lay there with your legs open every time he told you to, he'd be picking at you about the housework, or cutting you off from your friends.
He's an absolute shit. However, you can get away from a shit man and put barriers up to prevent him giving you and DC too much trouble. Abusive men don't have superpowers and are not above the law: there are al sorts of ways of shutting them out and keeping them at a distance. You can get support and advice on here and from WA.

If he had a scrap of respect for you the relationship would be better.

He is abusing you and using his temper to control you. He slams his hand down on furniture and throws pillows to threaten you. It is a non verbal threat of violence.

Please take notice of the advice here and contact Women’s Aid. But do not let him know about that.

Oh dear, I feel sick after reading your posts. He is so abusive, maybe he hasn't hit you (yet) but it seems his tantrums are enough to put you in place right now.

Your statement "Yes I realise that this isn’t a great way for him to behave" is so minimising, and your further posts explaining how you give in to sex to shut him up are heartbreaking.

You are worth more than this, even if you were a horrible person all your life his behaviour towards you would not be acceptable. He is a horrible horrible person and his feelings are his responsibility, don't let him blame you for "being angry".

Tell him to go into work and explain to his colleagues what he "needs" to do to you to get you to be a "proper" wife. I'm sure he'll be happy to do that, yeah right. What a horrible rapist asshole, I'm sickened. Please get your anger going and channel it towards getting yourself out of this situation.

Honestly, you'll look back with such clarity and will get to the point where you know that leaving him was the best decision ever.

However after all this time it is difficult to shake the feeling that this is partly my fault. If I didn’t make him angry then we would have a great relationship.

Please please don’t believe this OP. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He is gaslighting you if he’s making you think this, he is warping your mind so that you don’t know what is normal anymore. You are not making him angry, he is making himself angry. He is abusive and controlling. Please try and get out of the relationship, Women’s Aid should be able to help you.

I have a lower sex drive than DP. Occasionally he will check that we're ok, if I say we're all fine and I find him fit but just am not in the mood... then he's fine with it.
Because I'm a human, who's mind and actions he loves... not a hole.

Wow this is horrible op

Coercion into sex is rape. But, there was another bit that leaped out at me.

I know that if I attempted to leave he would make our lives hell.

That sounds like he isn't only sexually abusive. Honestly, if you feel you cannot currently leave, please start working out what you would need to escape. Abusers tend to escalate.

It's not your fault at all.
Today he's slamming his hand down on furniture, tomorrow it could be your face. He's aggressive and it can escalate. He's been raping you for years.
Please call Women's Aid today if you can

However after all this time it is difficult to shake the feeling that this is partly my fault. If I didn’t make him angry then we would have a great relationship.

In case you missed it OP, here's what a pp AnoukSpirit said on her post: I sat in that chair waiting for the session to start still thinking "he's not abusive, I just make him angry, it's not his fault I'm so useless I piss him off all the time".

Pretty much exactly what you've said. As everyone else has said, it's not your fault. You need to stop thinking that. This is all down to him. Even if you had enthusiastic sex with him every time he wants it, he'd find something else to blame you for, because he is an abusive man. And he may not be hitting you now, but slamming his hand down, and throwing cushions (it won't just be cushions in the future), are violent acts, and he will escalate to hitting you, and then he'll say it's all your fault.

You see, abusers follow the same script, that's why people say it's "classic abuse", and that's how we can say with certainty that it will escalate, we're not using crystal balls.

Please speak to Women's Aid, they're not just there for women who are being beaten by their partners. Don't put off talking to them, with the excuse that you'll be taking up their time that they could be helping women who "really" need them. You won't be, and you really need their help.

Start preparing to leave him, but DO NOT tell him. It will only make him angrier than he is already, and you'll put yourself at risk.

Dh and i have mismatched sex drives. There is no coercion, manipulation, threatening or raping over it. Sometimes frustration yes, but your dh is so far beyond slight frustration its awful.

He is a disgusting excuse for a human, a man and a partner.

So far he has settled to coerce you so he can rape you. Given his anger, i would be worried violence would come next. Please call the numbers above.

Your safety and your children comes above everything.