To have sex with him to keep the peace?

[BlazeM]

DH wants sex way more often than me.
He is currently furious with me as he thinks I am a selfish wife for not considering his ‘needs’. This stems from an argument last week where I was on my period, but refused to pleasure him by hand resulting in him being unable to sleep.
I have refused to have sex with him since, as quite frankly the way he’s behaving is repulsive.
He’s becoming more and more vile, ignoring me during the day, ranting at night not allowing me to go to sleep because he can’t sleep, threatening to go and have sex with other women, telling me if I loved my husband I should want to please him and I’m breaking up the family because I’m selfish and only care about myself.


We’ve had this same type of argument over and over again and I always give in and give him what he wants so that he will stop being such a prick.
Until the next time.


AIBU to just have sex with him to keep the peace, what do other people do in this situation where their partner’s sex drive is way higher than theirs?

Good luck op, have a think, we are still here. But it's not ok, really it's not.

I have been in your shoes OP and yes being coerced into having sex because your abuser is wearing you down, intimidating you and blackmailing you (I wasn’t allowed to sleep either until he got whatever he wanted) is rape. It can be hard to accept that but it is what it is.

Women’s aid can help you- please reach out to them as soon as you can/feel able to.

Can I also say one of the things that most scared me about leaving was how he would react I also truly believed he would make mine and my kids lives miserable and he did try. But he has not succeeded at all. I was so lucky to surround myself with good people including some of those who work for women’s aid and they got me strong enough quickly so I could fight him (through the courts). And now... he’s totally impotent when it comes to controlling my life.

Please get away from this monster OP. I’m genuinely frightened for you.

In many relationships one person is likely to want sex more often than the other, but no one should feel pressurized into saying yes if they don't want to. Most partners respect the others point of view. Definitely do the freedom program asap.

He is being abusive towards you.

By the way, BlazeM, when I went on the Freedom Programme I turned up convinced it wasn't relevant to me and that it was all a big misunderstanding.

I'd been referred by somebody who'd listened to me describe a little snapshot like you have here, and then told me it was classic domestic violence.

I was absolutely sure it wasn't abuse, and that I'd obviously explained things wrong for them to think that, and that nothing the Freedom Programme was about applied to my life. It was for other women, not me. We just had arguments. It wasn't abuse. He didn't hit me, how could it be?

I sat in that chair waiting for the session to start still thinking "he's not abusive, I just make him angry, it's not his fault I'm so useless I piss him off all the time".

Only they then gave us an overview of what we'd be learning about. And they'd just described my life.

I felt like I was going to be sick. I really did.

I was still adamant I wasn't leaving. That it was my fault and I just needed to try harder.

Less than a year later I did leave. Right up until I walked out the door I didn't think I could. But I did.

It was hard. It was a shock. I felt guilty.

But it was the right thing to do. Things got so much better. I am so incredibly glad I was able to leave.

Please just be careful while you process this. Telling him he's abusive or that you think you'll leave would be dangerous. If nothing else because he'll subject you to levels of manipulation like you wouldn't believe. You're caught in his web, don't tip him off that you've realised.

Going on Freedom doesn't mean you have to leave, doesn't mean you necessarily agree it's abuse, doesn't mean you're calling him a monster. It just means you're open to information and seeing if there's anything you can do with that info that will make your life better. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk it's confidential, nobody will know you've attended.

Take care

Op read back your own post where you said you don't like him anymore. Why on earth would you have sex with him if you don't like him? Don't subject your children to this by staying with this abuser. You can have a "nice house" without him. One free from abuse.

"I suppose I was hoping for experiences of how people manage mismatched sex drives, I wasn’t really expecting to hear this is abusive behaviour and it’s a lot to take in. "

It takes a lot, a huge amount to leave a relationship that is working on other levels (talking from experience) but .........

Those who have posted about children being better off are right...my situation was nothing like yours but blimey my kids are much happier with a happier mummy...it was tough..so tough and i doubted myself for ages but i got through it, we got through it and i am in a fantastic loving relationship with a DP i would not be without....you can get that too.

I mentioned above what i do for a living...i am deeply concerned by what you have posted on a professional level. Please put yourself (and by doing that, your children) first.

Your sex drive isn’t a problem. He’s killing your sex drive by being a coercive, emotionally manipulative bully. Who wants to have sex with someone who threatens to cheat and punishes them for not being in the mood? Honestly, how can you ever find him attractive?

I dont think theres anything massively wrong with occasional pity sex or giving a loved partner a bit of relief when youre not quite as into it as they are or whatevr, but your husband is bullying you and sounds pretty rapey. ugh

This annoys me how so many people just say leave him. I see it a lot on threads and I think it's a bit harsh, men can be pricks but doesn't always mean partners want out

They should want out when they are being raped

How has it got to the point where you married him??

I would also end the marriage over this.

My DH is a pest at the best of time. But if I'm not in the mood then it's fine

I suppose I was hoping for experiences of how people manage mismatched sex drives, I wasn’t really expecting to hear this is abusive behaviour and it’s a lot to take in.

‘Mismatched sex drives’ is of course a real problem that lots of couples have, but this is something very different I think.

In my experience, my sex drive dropped lower and lower the more my ex pestered. I actually think I have quite a high sex drive but for most of that relationship I was just repulsed at the idea of it. He turned it into something really horrible, something that I had to do to stop him from being really really nasty to me. Who would ever want to have sex under those circumstances?

If you're happy to be married to an abusive rapist Fashionista, you need to raise your standards.

Being nagged until you can't bear it, and emotionally pushed/coerced into having sex is not consent. He gets angry, you said it yourself.

It’s not rape because I agree to do it You're being coerced into sex you don't want!

What if it was your husband's friend, or a colleague on a work trip, who harassed you and got angry because you didn't want sex with him. If you eventually felt you had no choice but to have sex, would you call that consent?

Hopefully not. So why does your husband get a free pass? Since 1991 in England (earlier in Scotland) there is no longer a 'marital rape exemption' - in other words, the definition of rape in marriage is exactly the same as outside marriage.

Sorry OP this sounds like a horrible way to live. Being pestered for sex you don't want, with someone who doesn't seem to respect you.

Are you married to my ex husband!?
I was harassed non stop to give him his ‘conjugal rights’...Accused me of having affairs when I refused to ‘give in’....called me ‘frigid’ etc.
Didn’t stop at demands for sex either. He became very violent.
Leave him. You are worth so much more than this x
I am now with the loveliest man. Going to bed with him is a joy whether it is to sleep, chat or have sex.

In your 2nd to last post, you say "I don't really like him any more". You should not be together.

Same here lisasimpson. The more I found my STBXH unattractive, the less I wanted to have sex with him.

He just couldn't see that if he were less horrible to live with, I'd be more attracted to him & we'd have more some sex. Nagging & whining for sex is such a complete turnoff FFS.

I still felt really horny had to wank a lot but towards the end couldn't bring myself to have sex with him at all.

This annoys me how so many people just say leave him

Do you think more women should stay in relationships like this: He’s becoming more and more vile, ignoring me during the day, ranting at night not allowing me to go to sleep because he can’t sleep, threatening to go and have sex with other women?

Thank God people are saying that the OP should leave. How in the name of anything can that possibly 'annoy you'?

I suppose I was hoping for experiences of how people manage mismatched sex drives

I can actually give you details of my experience in a marriage where there is a mismatch of sex drives. My OH is more interested in sex than I am. In general we have sex about once or twice a week I'd say. More often once probably. We have young kids and work a lot.

My experience is, when he wants to have sex he usually will give a little hint like kissing me in a certain way, which makes it obvious to me what he's thinking about. I usually kiss back but if I don't want to do it, I will then say "I'm so tired", or "I don't feel like it", or whatever. Basically I tell the truth. And he then understands and does not try to take things any further, and we go on with our lives.

He does not get angry, he does not give me the silent treatment, he does not rant at me and stop me from sleeping because he "can’t sleep", he does not threaten to go and have sex with other women, he does not tell me if I loved my husband I should want to please him, and he does not tell me I’m breaking up the family or that I’m selfish and only care about myself.

He does none of those things. He just says "ok" and stops, because he respects me and is a good man.

OP its telling that you are so ground down by all this that rather than wish for a husband who respected you and your needs that you wished your sex drive matched his.

This isnt a tale of mismatched sex drives because that would require communication and give and take on both sides. His reaction is what makes it abusive not the mismatched sex drives. Its all about his wants and needs and there is nothing of you in there other than to meet his needs

This is abuse, probably criminal, probably rape. I'm not up on the legal side of things.

Morally speaking, you have no need to pay this toll in order to "provide your kids with a home and two parents". One happy parent is far, far, far better than 2 screaming parents where one effectively rapes the other.

This whole situation sounds horribly like something out of the worst parts of the last century or earlier.

I would genuinely love to offer advice about mismatched sex drives, but he's already thrown most of them off the table. Wanking? Out. You giving him hand/blowjobs? Out. Any kind of reciprocal agreement? Out.

I honestly think your best solution might be to serenely tell him he's completely free to fuck other women if it means he stops raping you. Encourage him to go on Tinder or whatever and try to have sex with other people, but make it very clear that it's the last time you're going to touch him if he does. Tbh I would never touch him again for the rest of my life, regardless.

I'll reiterate - a single happy mother (and hopefully eventually a loving and caring stepfather) is better than a pair of screaming, fighting, cut-the-air-with-a-spoon mother and father.

In just read your post to my DP (who is a man) and he said you should tell your ‘D’H to fuck off and get rid of him!! I second that. Why would you stay in a relationship with such an asshole?