To have sex with him to keep the peace?

[BlazeM]

DH wants sex way more often than me.
He is currently furious with me as he thinks I am a selfish wife for not considering his ‘needs’. This stems from an argument last week where I was on my period, but refused to pleasure him by hand resulting in him being unable to sleep.
I have refused to have sex with him since, as quite frankly the way he’s behaving is repulsive.
He’s becoming more and more vile, ignoring me during the day, ranting at night not allowing me to go to sleep because he can’t sleep, threatening to go and have sex with other women, telling me if I loved my husband I should want to please him and I’m breaking up the family because I’m selfish and only care about myself.


We’ve had this same type of argument over and over again and I always give in and give him what he wants so that he will stop being such a prick.
Until the next time.


AIBU to just have sex with him to keep the peace, what do other people do in this situation where their partner’s sex drive is way higher than theirs?

And additionally, if this were your child treated this way what support would you give? Would you let them believe they were at fault?

I

If my DP tried to control me by threatening to sleep with another woman I would get rid of him, the very first time he said it!
He can't possibly love you. Why stay in a relationship like that?!

Yes, my fucking sides are splitting too

usually you marry them because unless there are DC involved, this usually isn't an issue at the start of a relationship.

ExH and I had matched drives until children and a chronic health problem got in the way.. then he started being a sex pest and the more he pestered the less I wanted it and the less I wanted it the more he pestered. The more I rejected him, the more hard done by he felt and the more abusive he got.

The more abusive he got the more I avoided him until I didn't even want to be in the same room as him, never mind let him near me.

There are some very brave and generous people who have shared their experiences on this thread. I too was a victim of abuse. I lived under the same roof as my abuser for 18 years, but in my case he happened to be my own father. For many years thought I thought I was ‘lucky’ he had only abused me physically and emotionally, not sexually. It’s only since turning 40, all these years later, that I recognise the abuse did indeed have a profoundly disturbing sexual undertow to it. And boy was that difficult to face. For decades I’d been happily getting on with life, with no idea that I was traumatised, until I was diagnosed last year with cPTSD. Thanks for that one, Dad.

The point I’m trying to make here is that it’s unsurprising the OP hasn’t recognised what every other poster on this thread hasn’t pointed out: that this is sexual abuse. And it’s a particularly nasty form of abuse at that. When this is what you live with on a daily basis, it becomes your normality. It’s taken me the best part of 3 decades to recognise just how very sick, twisted, warped and wrong the nature of the abuse I experienced really was. So I, for one, am unsurprised that OP has viewed this merely as mismatched sex drives. The responses have clearly given pause for thought and also some resistance: no one wants to look their own life in the face and recognise themselves as a victim. And when you do, it’s one of the most painful experiences ever. OP, you are both wise and very brave to want to step back, take stock and evaluate a situation that’s possibly never even occurred to you before. I admire you for taking this step and I hope that whatever the outcome, it’s a first step on your way to healing and to living life on better terms than those which are currently being dealt to you. Sending you much positivity and strength.

My ex was like this and I used to agree to sex just to keep the peace, sex ended up being uncomfortable and often painful as I wasn’t in the mood so then I wanted it even less and the situation just got worse.

Leaving him was the best decision I ever made.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

In my opinion once you've got to the stage that you have just lay there and let them do it to keep the peace .... there's no going back.
After that you slowly but surely begin the detest them.

The past relationship that I had that this happened damaged me emotionally for a long time. Every new budding relationship after I put out too early because I thought it was what I had to do to keep them happy & interested. Thankfully I came to my senses & stayed single for a couple years to heal & gather my thoughts.

Amazingly I'm now in the most loving relationship I've ever had, I've told my partner a lot about my past & he is disgusted that another man could act that way.

Blaze abusers are NEVER always nasty and horrible. Otherwise no one would ever stay with them!
But they are always very good at making you think it’s all your fault (because you made them angry, you didn’t do xxx well enough, yes I refused sex when you knew they cope with that well etc etc).

But it’s not. It’s not your fault. And their expectations are wrong. Totally way off the mark (like for his ‘need’ to have sex all the time when he wants it).

Have you managed to speak to WA yet?

Well he left me alone last night and he’s been on best behaviour today.
While I was at work he’s actually bought food and made dinner (rare occurrence as that’s usually my responsibility) bought me cake and new toys for the kids and wants us to watch a film together!
I’m not sure whether he’s sensed a change in my attitude, or if he’s feeling guilty that I’m missing out on an important event tonight due to him refusing to look after the kids so I can “get dressed up to flirt with other men” or if this is just an attempt to prove I should have sex with him as he’s “being a good husband”
Either way it’s a compete mind fuck and I don’t know what to think.

Or he's reading this thread.

He stopped you going to an event? Really?

Seriously, this guy is a knob and needs ditching.

Yes, you could have sex with him every day. Then he'd want twice a day and three times on Sunday. It will never be enough.

It's not just the sex, it's the control.

He will only get worse and you need to get away.

Yeah my team were up for an award but I’ve had to miss the ceremony as he refused to look after the kids. Today he’s said he wants me to go but it’s too late to get a ticket.

He's a selfish bully who has no respect for you. Leave the sad abusive cunt and get on and build a happy and safe life for yourself and your children. Do not think he has changed as he will try and manipulate you. He di8es not love you and does not see you as an equal. LEAVE HIM.

Whatever the reason does it matter? Ultimately he will be coercive and blackmailing again.

He likes you walking on eggshells...

So let's get this straight, the possessive jealous emotional and sexual abusing cunt wouldn't look after his own children to let you go to a work dinner, then changes his mind.

Now you've missed out and you're safely at home with him he's treating you well because he wants to watch a movie with you, cooked dinner and bought his children gifts?! You do realise that isn't good behaviour, he should be doing that most days.

He really has done a number on you if you can't see what he's done. He sounds more insane by the second, and I'll take a wild guess that because he's convinced you he's been a perfect husband tonight he will want sex. Let's see how he reacts if you say no as that mask will slip right back off.

He's an awful, abusive cunt. You need to get out and away from him ASAP and see that all these things he's doing are not normal. Who stops their wife going to a work dinner ffs, he sounds worse with every message you write.

Remember that script I mentioned? It's all part of the script. It's designed to fuck with your head, to keep you on your toes, to think that there is good in him, he does care about you, and it could be like this all the time, if only you don't make him angry, if you do what he wants you to do.

Ignore those thoughts. He has an agenda, that's why he's being all "nice" now. Abusers often sense when they've pushed too far, so will dial it back for a while, to keep their victim with them. That's one of the reasons why it takes women a long time to leave, and often it takes them a few attempts to leave finally.

As I said before, please speak to Women's Aid.

I'm so sorry OP this is so awful

Oh op he is controlling everything about you. Are you sure he can't read this thread?

Nothing to do with sex drive, my dp has a much higher one than me, I just tell him to go wank in the shower is I can't be arsed.

I would not accept this behaviour, op it is completely absuive and manipulative and if I were you I would be looking for a way to leave. This won't stop and has major red flags of turning violent.

I hope you are okay

He sounds like a repulsive bully. He is coercing you and conditioning you to behave a certain way.

Not allowing you to go to an awards ceremony because he wouldn't parent his own children? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. What a petty little man. I would have got a babysitter. And changing his mind at the 11th hour knowing full well that you couldn't get a ticket? He's trying to look nice. With the dinner and toys too, it's like he's got the script and is following it within an inch of its life.

You need to leave this man, he's already coercing you into sex (illegal afaik) how long before he rapes you? How long before he touches you in your sleep to get his rocks off. How long before he starts hitting you to make you submissive?

You are in an abusive relationship, it's not right and you and your children deserve better, much better. You need to leave this sad, repulsive little man.

Start a fuck you find. Start squirreling away money, copies of documents, passports. There is a mountain of information on the relationships board. And also a lot of support and a wealth of experience and knowledge on leaving.

I hope you sincerely take on board what pp's are saying

OP, I left my ex after 3 decades. It was abusive, and some of this was sexual. He even called me abusive names while DTD, killing any good feelings instantly while I was still expected to carry on. And yes, sometimes it could be good, usually the few times he didn't object to vanilla sex. But generally he blamed me for a poor sex life.

I agree with another poster, that the first night in my own bed in that new place was bliss. Still is.

Yes, it's hard. We (DC and I) are in rented, and money is tighter. But they were being affected by ex's controlling and abusive behaviour too, it wasn't confined to the bedroom. We are happier.

Fuck you fund*