To have sex with him to keep the peace?

[BlazeM]

DH wants sex way more often than me.
He is currently furious with me as he thinks I am a selfish wife for not considering his ‘needs’. This stems from an argument last week where I was on my period, but refused to pleasure him by hand resulting in him being unable to sleep.
I have refused to have sex with him since, as quite frankly the way he’s behaving is repulsive.
He’s becoming more and more vile, ignoring me during the day, ranting at night not allowing me to go to sleep because he can’t sleep, threatening to go and have sex with other women, telling me if I loved my husband I should want to please him and I’m breaking up the family because I’m selfish and only care about myself.


We’ve had this same type of argument over and over again and I always give in and give him what he wants so that he will stop being such a prick.
Until the next time.


AIBU to just have sex with him to keep the peace, what do other people do in this situation where their partner’s sex drive is way higher than theirs?

I think I might have worded it slightly differently but this - Tell him to go and fuck some other tart and fuck off and never come back.

I sorry you’re experiencing this. It is totally totally not on. It’s outright abuse.

I remember the days exh pushed and pushed for sex, told him I was going to sleep and could he pull my nightie down when he had finished? ..
So he did.
Grim, fucking grim.
Order your dh a rubber fanny from Lovehoney and send him on his way.
Out the front door.

I know that if I attempted to leave he would make our lives hell.
I honestly feel like it’s easier to just shut up and put up, if it means that our children can continue to live in a nice house with both parents.

You are aware that pressuring someone into.into is a form of rape, aren't you.
You do not have to do anything with your body that you do not want to do.

Have you pointed out to him that the more angry, abusive and aggressive he is about sex, the less you want to have it with him? I mean, does he seriously think you're going to be begging to shag him when he's being such a monstrous fucking dickhead? Have you suggested that he's nice to you, that he helps out, that he's kind and considerate and, oh, how about loving? You know, how a husband is supposed to be to his wife? And then, maybe, you might actually find him pleasant and attractive enough to want to have sex with? Just an idea.

So he’s so abusive you fear what would happen if you tried to leave.
You need to get out.
But first you need help to plan your out. He can’t find this thread can he?

Do not have sex with him to keep the peace. What an absolutely vile man!

Jesus. This is an abusive relationship. Your husband is a vile disgusting sex pest. I wouldn't want my kids growing up in a house with a man like that, no matter how "nice" it is.

And being raised by both parents isn't a positive when one of them is this guy.

It's alright living in a nice house Blaze.
However. That is nothing to you children compared with their mums happiness and trust me when I say "They will pick up on your misery and pain.

It isn't a nice house with this abuse going on in it.

I’ve just done the Freedom Programme online and read the (short, easy to read) book that comes with it called ‘living with the dominator’. This is abuse and control.

P.s. Consent to sex is not legally valid if there is coercion - legally valid consent has to be freely given without any coercion.

That is not what's happening here.

What you're describing is compliance, not consent, and the law recognises that difference.

Quietly complying to protect yourself from a worse outcome rather than fighting back and putting yourself at risk of violence is not what consent means.

If you had the free choice, without all the threats and manipulation, you've said yourself you wouldn't consent. The only reason you complied was to make the "anger" stop before it got any worse.

Even when you do comply it's so obvious you don't want it to be happening that he comments. So he knows you're not consenting. He doesn't even have a reasonable belief you consented.

If he held a knife to your throat and you complied with him, would you still call that consent? It's the same thing.

If all you had to do was terrify or exhaust your target into submission for it to be classed as consensual sex there would be no such thing as rape...

It's not better for your children if you stay though, far from it. As many PPs have said, they'll learn awful things about what relationships should be like and go on to repeat those patterns themselves.

Why don't you ring Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247, just for a chat, explain to them what's happening. He is abusing you.

He sounds absolutely vile. Do not allow him to coerce you in to having sex with him.

he wants it literally all the time and if it goes more than a couple of days he gets annoyed.

Sex is different for men and women- he is struggling to understand your feelings. I think this simple communication exercise will solve all your problems:

1. Agree to have sex whenever he wants.
2. Buy a large strap-on dildo.
3. Before he gets to penetrate you, you get to penetrate him- for at least the same duration. Otherwise no sex.
4. If last time you had sex was good for you, you will use lube. If last time was uncomfortable, don't use lube.

I think he will gain a new appreciation for why women might find frequent sex uncomfortable and may need a little more effort to get in the mood.

I’m not trying to minimise his behaviour but it really doesn’t seem as bad as how he’s being portrayed here.
I’ve told him in the past that the way he acts is not conducive to me wanting sex with him and he tries harder to be nice for a while but it never lasts.
He got really angry this afternoon as I said I couldn’t see a way forward for us if he continues like this but he said I need to change how I treat him. Not just with sex but that I don’t care about how he feels, I never hug him or do nice things for him.
He agreed to go to some sort of relationship counselling but i don’t even know if that will work as I don’t really like him anymore.

If you have a daughter, would you tell her to “shut up and put up”?

If you have a son will you tell him to treat his partner this way?

If for no other reason, leave him FOR the benefit of your children. They will pick up on the dynamic of your relationship and how he treats you.

I always give in and give him what he wants so that he will stop being such a prick

What do you think will happen if you keep refusing? He's becoming progressively more abusive and controlling. He's one small step away from just forcing himself on you when you don't give in You are in real danger and it's not a safe environment for your children.

If you think the children aren't aware of what's going on, you are mistaken.

A man who abuses his children's mother is not a parent.

They won't remember the nice house, they'll remember the lesson that it's normal for people who say they love you to hurt you. They'll remember that they weren't worth protecting.

They'll grow into adults who think being raped is normal. Who'll be vulnerable to abuse and won't even have the frame of reference to be able to tell anybody what's happening to them. Because they'll think abuse is normal.

The initial act of leaving is hard. But life afterwards is so much easier than living the way you are. You're just so worn down you can't even imagine it right now.

Women's Aid and Freedom Programme can both help you protect yourself from anything he attempts to do after you leave.

Im not trying to minimise his behaviour but it really doesn’t seem as bad as how he’s being portrayed here.

So you’d be happy for your daughter to have a husband like this? For your son to treat a woman like this? Children pick up on the dynamics of a relationship. Look at what you’re teaching your children because you think it’s easier to stay in a nice house.

I've had sex with DH once since I found out I was pregnant in may (I know it's fine but I just struggle to get my head around it, especially since I can feel movement), not a single murmur from him. Even the one time we did, I initiated and he still double checked I was ok with it. He gets consent. Your partner doesn't. What he is doing is sexual abuse.

I’m not trying to minimise his behaviour but it really doesn’t seem as bad as how he’s being portrayed here

Is this the first time you've spoken about his behaviour? Because when you're used to receiving shit behaviour, it becomes your normal. You're getting these reactions because it is bad. Has even one woman replying excused his behaviour?

It was so liberating when we split. I hadn't realised how much I'd dreaded weekends and holidays cos I'd be expected to have sex. No way to live

Oh god, I identify with this so much. My mum once offered to take me and all my siblings, plus our partners, on a lovely sunny holiday to a villa that she was paying for. My ex huffed and puffed about being dragged away on this fabulous all-expenses-paid holiday and eventually told me that I would have to ‘make it up to’ him by agreeing to have sex with him every day that we were there. So I did. I had to sneak off with him and have miserable, silent sex while my family were literally on the other side of the wall in order to keep him ‘happy’ during his lovely free holiday. Grim, grim, grim.

OP, you really don’t have to stay with him. You don’t have to leave, either, but I want you to know that you DO have a choice. You do not have to be with him if you don’t want to be.

Counselling isn't advised in an abusive relationship, he will use it to further coerce, built and manipulate you. OP this is awful, it's just hard to acknowledge and you've gotten used to it, and his constant blame and chipping away at your rights as a person.