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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sex with him to keep the peace?

214 replies

BlazeM · 04/10/2018 18:51

DH wants sex way more often than me.
He is currently furious with me as he thinks I am a selfish wife for not considering his ‘needs’. This stems from an argument last week where I was on my period, but refused to pleasure him by hand resulting in him being unable to sleep.
I have refused to have sex with him since, as quite frankly the way he’s behaving is repulsive.
He’s becoming more and more vile, ignoring me during the day, ranting at night not allowing me to go to sleep because he can’t sleep, threatening to go and have sex with other women, telling me if I loved my husband I should want to please him and I’m breaking up the family because I’m selfish and only care about myself.


We’ve had this same type of argument over and over again and I always give in and give him what he wants so that he will stop being such a prick.
Until the next time.


AIBU to just have sex with him to keep the peace, what do other people do in this situation where their partner’s sex drive is way higher than theirs?

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 04/10/2018 19:03

LTB. Womens aid can help you do this.

Pissedoffdotcom · 04/10/2018 19:04

Tell him he best get very well acquainted with his left hand the bastard.

FermatsTheorem · 04/10/2018 19:04

Let's talk about you. (My sister spent 20 years in an abusive relationship so I know it's not as easy as an online random saying LTB, even though long term that's what you need to do - because this is sexual abuse).

So - what are the barriers to you leaving?

Children? Finances? Job? Logistics of selling the house?
Start by making a list, and add pros and cons.

So for instance children - okay, no child wants their parents to separate. But what children want and what's in their best interests aren't the same thing. If you have a daughter, do you want her to grow up thinking this is normal? How would you feel twenty years down the line if she came to you and told you her DH was coercing her into sex she didn't want. If you have a son, do you want him to grow into a man who behaves like his father? (I'll be blunt here. I have a son. I would feel I had failed completely and utterly as a parent if any child of mine grew into a man who behaved like this.)

henben · 04/10/2018 19:04

Why is it considered socially acceptable for a woman to be used, abused and discarded in this way. I am not a bra burning feminist...in fact i have never really replied to a post on mumsnet (other than Watty and Spangran)...fuck off daily Mail (i gather that is customary) but i get compelled to write something...

Of course you may feel trapped in your current situation and i really appreciate that there are times when you feel you cannot move on from the situation you are in, but trust me you can and you should...the alternative is better than the current situation

Wolfiefan · 04/10/2018 19:05

Angry?
It’s coercion.
What does he do when he gets angry? Are you at risk?

rosamacrose · 04/10/2018 19:06

I'll be the first to say contact women's aid.
You say you're not in a position to leave.
They will advise you on how you are able to.
Your husband is an abuser.
Keep posting.
Maybe ask to have this moved to the relationship thread for some really good advice.
Flowers

Original poster
BlazeM · 04/10/2018 19:08

It’s not rape because I agree to do it, he knows I’m not really into it (that makes him more pissed off as he says I should WANT to have sex with my husband)
When I am in the right mood we have great sex, but he wants it literally all the time and if it goes more than a couple of days he gets annoyed.
When he acts like this it’s a real turn off so I obvs don’t want to have sex with him then. Which makes him more annoyed, he thinks if I’m not wanting sex with him I must be getting it elsewhere.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 04/10/2018 19:09

He is abusive and using anger when he doesn't get his tubes cleared is coercive and controlling.

Get advice from Women's Aid and, as a PP suggested, tell us why you can't leave and we'll see if we can advise you how to make that possible.

So sorry you're going through this.

Katedotness1963 · 04/10/2018 19:09

He sounds bloody awful!

ArtemisWeatherwax · 04/10/2018 19:12

It’s not rape because I agree to do it You are coerced into agreeing to it, because you know the consequences of not doing it. You are not freely consenting. And he knows it - but he still has sex with you knowing your consent is not freely given. There's a word for that.

SoutineBellhop · 04/10/2018 19:12

Henben, if you think that women should be treated equally to men, and that the OP shouldn’t be subjected to coercive sex by her husband, then I assure you, you are a feminist.

Bra-burning never actually happened — it was a media myth about a Miss World protest in New Jersey 50 years ago.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-45303069

OP, what an awful post. You shouldn’t need to be dealing with this. In answer to your question — no, definitely not, and start mak8ng plans to leave.

Pissedoffdotcom · 04/10/2018 19:12

Just because you finally relent to sex doesn't make it consensual. He is manipulating you into it.

Singlenotsingle · 04/10/2018 19:15

Disgusting! Gross! Tell him to eff off and find another woman; one who's more co-operative (if he can!!!) Shock

LatteLover12 · 04/10/2018 19:15

Honestly my ex was like this and I was just repulsed by him in the end. It was like living with a very angry 14 year old boy.

He started helping himself while I was asleep and I threw him out.

You don’t need to live like this. My live is a million times better without him in it.

HotSauceCommittee · 04/10/2018 19:15

He sounds absolutely horrible, OP. You are supposed to be one another’s nearest and dearest. He’s supposed to love you, not use you to satisfy his needs.
Re “not in a position to leave”
Do you want to leave?
Could you talk through your circumstances on here? There are some amazing women on here who have overcome some very difficult circumstances to go on to lead a happy life.
Are you happy? His behaviour sounds like it’s colouring everything for you. X

GreenMeerkat · 04/10/2018 19:16

My DH's sex drive is higher than mine, he just puts up with it cause he has to. I think in most couples, one person's sex drive will be higher than the other's.

However, your DH's behaviour is disgusting. Agree with PPs, it's abusive and manipulative.

AnoukSpirit · 04/10/2018 19:16

I wasn't in a position to leave when I first realised and acknowledged to myself that I both wanted to and needed to. But acknowledging that was the first step towards being able to leave - practically and emotionally.

I'm sorry we can't give you tips on how to manage an abusive person - because this is sexual abuse, nothing to do with a high sex drive - because there is no way to do that. All he's interested in is your compliance and obedience, and as you already know he will escalate until he gets that from you. You can't reason with somebody who isn't interested in anything other than controlling you. He's not open to reason or negotiation.

Hence why he doesn't mind treating you badly, and doesn't care about your needs - to be respected, to feel valued, to be able to say no, to have control over your body, to feel calm and safe in your home.

The only way things change is when you leave. It's ok if you're not ready though.

Women's Aid can help you remove the barriers to leaving. They won't judge you: 0808 2000 247.

The Freedom Programme can help you see how abusive this actually is, and why it's impossible for you to make him listen to you. They won't tell you to leave, they won't judge you, they just want to share information with you. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Life can be better than this.

Greyponcho · 04/10/2018 19:18

Reluctantly agreeing to have sex because you’re fearful of the repercussions if you don’t, is not consensual.
He’s showing you absolutely zero respect by saying he’ll go elsewhere for it. Trying to guilt you into doing it (“you should do it because you’re my wife”) is manipulative and controlling.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 04/10/2018 19:19

*I was in a marriage where I began having sex to keep the peace.

I'm no longer in that marriage. I almost cried with happiness the first night I went to bed alone and, two years later, I'm still so happy to be away from that pressure.*

Yep, this! It’s been nearly 4 years for me and for three of those I’ve been with a lovely supportive partner who has literally NEVER made me feel bad for not wanting sex. We have sex when we both want to, if not then it’s absolutely fine. It really is that simple.

I spent about five years thinking there must be something wrong with me because I thought I had no sex drive. My ex was exactly like your husband and he just became more and more repulsive to me over the years because of that awful, abusive behaviour.

Let me tell you, the moment we finally broke up I realised that I was really, really fucking horny. I’d been having sex just to placate him for so long that I’d forgotten I could actually enjoy sex for myself too. I went on Tinder and ended up having my first ever one night stand a week later, and while I’m not saying that was the most sensible thing to do it was bloody great Blush

McFugget · 04/10/2018 19:19

He's bullying you into "giving" consent though, so that's not consent, consent isn't something to be coerced out of somebody. Can you imagine yourself sulking and raging to force him into doing sexual stuff with you he didn't want? Then actually going through with him touching you knowing full well he didn't want to?

He has deeply misogynistic ideas about men and their "right" to sex.

Lemontart25 · 04/10/2018 19:20

Sorry OP but 'giving in' for a quiet life is NOT consent.

How he would even want or enjoy sex with you when you are visibly not in the mood is repulsive in itself. It's abuse becasue he is using you with no regard to your feelings. Defending it as anything other is all part of his manipulation.

NellMangel · 04/10/2018 19:21

My ex was like this. Constantly wanted sex, moody if refused.

It was so liberating when we split. I hadn't realised how much I'd dreaded weekends and holidays cos I'd be expected to have sex. No way to live x

henben · 04/10/2018 19:23

This is controlling and coercive behaviour.

It is a criminal offence.

Without knowing more details i cannot say if it is rape in the legal sense but i am sure it is pretty bloody close.

LEAVE

Sorry if that is hard to hear and a scary prospect but it will be for the best in the long run.

His behaviour is not acceptable and is incredibly worrying.

Please contact your local women's help group.

PositiveVibez · 04/10/2018 19:23

Coercion is now considered a crime.

He is abusing you.

TedAndLola · 04/10/2018 19:23

lisasimpsonssaxophone Flowers I'm glad you found your freedom. Same to the other women in this thread. OP, I hope you find yours.

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