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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask about friendship dealbreakers?

267 replies

Tobythecat · 03/10/2018 17:53

What are your deslbreakers when it comes to friends?

Mine are -

Voting Tory
Disliking animals or being cruel to them
Being judgemental towards mental illness
Being a food snob

OP posts:
Itsnotabingthingisit · 04/10/2018 14:01

Tory voter/apologist
Brexit voter/apologist
UKIP supporter
Trump supporter
Racist
Homophobe
Islamaphobe
Selfish
egotistic
snobby
superior vegan
disabilist
internet trolls
Parents that park outside schools when specifically told not to
inconsiderate people
xenophobes
Facebook attention seekers
sleazes of both sexes
Daily mail and Daily Express readers
Parents that don't say 'no' to, or discipline their kids.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 04/10/2018 14:04

faerie oh god yes, people who criticise others behind their back. You KNOW they're doing the exact same to you. I have one workmate who does this constantly, she's actually really funny and smart and good to talk to, but I don't trust her as far as I can throw her.

She will literally be slagging someone off to me and then put a photo of them on insta the next day with the caption 'with the bestie'. It's just bonkers.

Openup41 · 04/10/2018 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

BewarePregnancyHormones · 04/10/2018 14:08

Voting for a certain party... really?
Disliking animals?
You sound insanely judgemental!

eggstoast · 04/10/2018 14:14

beware generally if you know someone’s voting preferences and dislike for animals, it’s usually because they’re very opinionated about it.
Which is fine if you happen to share said beliefs, but quite grating, or even offensive in some instances if you don’t.
I don’t mind people being different to me, I just don’t want it rammed down my throat.

ByeGermsByeWorries · 04/10/2018 14:26

Homophobia is my biggest no. Boils my blood

Cheating

Being cruel to animals. You don't have to love my dog but do not be cruel or spiteful to him when you come over. This is his home.

Graphista · 04/10/2018 15:02

Lying - another that can't abide this

Bigotry (an old school friend during brexit ref posted an appalling racist rant on FB - instant block! Was really shocked as we were a 'group of 4' at school - one of which was mixed race! Mixed race friend actually challenged her before I blocked and she started trying to backpedal with "oh but I don't mean YOU and your family" 🤔 mixed race friend also blocked - they were bff at school!)

Persistent flakiness for no good reason

Being a constant taker without ever giving

Shit attitudes to sick/disabled (being mentally ill myself I've experienced the ignorance/bigotry/discrimination I think other posters have. But I've also an invisible physical disability as has dd - and even those these are actually long recognised and documented and accepted conditions we've had similar attitudes to those too! As have friends who have had it worse due to having conditions that even some medical professionals are less accepting of/dispute acknowledgment of)

Stinginess (don't mean people who are sensible with money or frugal due to not having much but unnecessary mean-ness I hate)

Having been cheated on myself (and ow supposedly my friend) couldn't be friends with someone who was a long term/persistent cheat, either on their spouse or with someone else's.

"Judgement towards single mothers." Yes!

And people who not only believe the benefit bashing/benefit porn on tv and in newspapers but who bang on about it with no knowledge or experience on the subject!

I have a few friends who vote Tory, it's a weird one as this is so discordant with what I know of them and how they live their day to day life.

I'm a left wing, remain voting, socialist, vegetarian, teetotal (though not by choice), non-smoking, single mum with mental illness on benefits, somewhat agnostic, bisexual...

I have friends who are Tory voting, brexiter, real ale drinking, horse riding, meat eating, small state believing, religious, gay/bi/straight, rich (and I mean seriously wealthy) and poor (again extremes at points)...

Not being friends with someone because of how they vote is surely deliberately creating an echo chamber among your friendship group? Would you also cut family out for voting in a way you disagreed with?

I am no Tory fan never have been never will be, but I don't for one second think that someone voting Tory means that's all there is to them! Very narrow minded view.

I enjoy passionate discussion and debate but even if I disagreed with someone on a political point (bigotry excluded) I wouldn't fall out with them!

"And I hate people who say "we'll split the bill, yeah?" then go on and order expensive stuff expecting everyone else to subsidise them. I've fallen victim to that more than once, and in circumstances when they had plenty of money and I was skint." Agree with this - and it's the person saying 'we'll split the bill' who's actually a miser here! And a cf! My aunts and uncles are roughly 50/50 have/have not, a few years back over a milestone birthday for one of the 'haves' things were being organised by another 'have' and the costs were getting stupid and everyone was expected to cover birthday persons costs too. Eventually one of the "have nots" went - 'right well it's WAY out of hand now so I'm out! I'm sending them a card with money in that I can afford and that's it!' Initially there was a backlash from the organiser then the other have nots started backing up the dissenter and a whole LIFETIME of crap came out! Eventually things got resolved and a more reasonable celebration agreed on and since then the have nots are trying to be more considerate of the fact the have nots are on much tighter budgets! The haves were also frequently guilty of "we'll split the bill" then ordering champagne cocktails and lobster while the have nots were having beer and pie and expecting the have nots to subsidise them! When it all blew up one of the haves actually said something like 'it's not that expensive' about something costing over £100! To someone who's a full time carer and living hand to mouth on benefits that's a lot of money!!

Eggstoast - not sure how old you are, but took me a few years to learn "if they bitch TO you they'll bitch ABOUT you"

Family full of addicts and so difficult on the drink/drugs thing, but I certainly wouldn't be friends with anyone who thinks excessive drunkenness, or illegal drug taking is ok. Seems to have naturally ended up I don't have any friends that regularly take illegal drugs for pleasure (one friend who takes very occasionally - 1-2 times a year - to help with an excruciating disability), none of them to my knowledge alcoholics, very few of them even smoke cigarettes and those that did/do are gradually giving up (though I think a major factor is that as we are ageing they are developing health issues as a result or feeling a stronger sense of their mortality).

"Can't help but notice that people who would unfriend someone who has different political beliefs are all the left wing people." Not true.

And there's a few who've said they WOULDN'T end a friendship purely on friend voting differently to them who haven't stated their own voting preferences. Jaxhog and AlphaBravo have both stated disliking more left wing voters.

"People who are more conservative/right of centre/neutral, would not do it." I've certainly come across right wing people in real life AND on here who've taken against me PURELY due to my being more left wing.

"I can't believe how long some of your lists are; does anyone qualify to earn the privilege of being your friend??" I'm very lucky to have a strong core group of friends who've known each other since school and seen each other through many major life events. From marriage and children through to divorce, serious illness/disability, job loss, home loss and bereavement among others. Unusual I know. I also have a small group of close friends from uni who I'm still in touch with and are lovely and supportive. Friendships like any relationship need nurturing, I just hope I've been as good a friend as they have to me.

Mrsnjg · 04/10/2018 15:58

We live in a democracy so I don't believe people should be judged on who they vote for. . . .in fact if people judge people on who they vote for I wouldn't want them in my life. I don't vote Tory by the way as I am very, very against fox hunting.

I am a huge animal advocate so I couldn't be near anyone that is cruel to animals or hunts.

I also hate drugs.

Mrsnjg · 04/10/2018 15:59

@Itsnotabingthingisit

I definitely wouldn't be your mate purely over the Brexit thing. Let me add people that can't cope with the results of a fair vote.

Itsnotabingthingisit · 04/10/2018 16:20

@Mrsnjg

I can cope very well the result of a fair vote.Generally speaking, I just don't like the type of people that voted Brexit is all.

I know , for instance, that the Conservative party got elected fair and square, but I wouldn't knowingly have a Tory as a friend because their values and outlook on life and general humanity doesn't match mine.

RangeRider · 04/10/2018 16:21

I don't vote Tory by the way as I am very, very against fox hunting.
I do vote Tory but I'm very, very against fox hunting too. The two do not have to go together.....Confused

goingonabearhunt1 · 04/10/2018 16:24

Ppl who do nothing except complain about their life (with no good reason) but do nothing to change it and never want to hear any advice/solutions. I get that everyone needs to moan sometimes but being like this all the time is too much for me (this often seems to go along with the attitude of things always being everyone else's fault). Also ppl who make a massive drama out of everything.

GallicosCats · 04/10/2018 16:27

Being 'sensitive' i.e. easily offended. I can do without second or third guessing my every comment or gesture in case Becky * can't handle the way I hold my coffee cup or sees potential disrespect/offence in my choice of metaphor. There's something profoundly self-centred about these types which puts me right off

Talking about other friends to me behind their back. It's incredibly tempting to join in when the subject of the conversation has annoying foibles that drive you up the wall, but I'd rather deal with such stuff in the open like a grown-up - and besides, not being perfect myself, I'd always be wondering if I'd be the next victim. (Can you tell I was bullied at school?)

Flakiness. It's not a complete deal-breaker - you can have your best times with utterly unreliable and, yes, shallow people - but you quickly learn not to invest in them emotionally and keep them at a distance.

RangeRider · 04/10/2018 16:27

I wouldn't knowingly have a Tory as a friend because their values and outlook on life and general humanity doesn't match mine.
Do you actually know any Tories? All the Tories I know are very decent, normal people who care about the people in their communities (no, not rich people, just normal average incomes, caring about the elderly, the disabled, the disadvantaged, and trying to give something back). I don't know why so many people seem obsessed with the idea that voting Conservative means you want to see disabled people starved to death. It's a bit like if I said all Labour voters were thick as shit benefit cheats - it wouldn't be very nice and it wouldn't be true. People can vote a certain way because of certain policies, or certain attitudes, or individuals within a party, or even just because the alternative is scary as hell. I've voted for all 3 main parties in my time and I've not changed that much as a person but the parties, the policies and the people have.

NorthenderNamechanger · 04/10/2018 16:33

People who are cruel to animals (or people).
People who bitch, gossip and complain behind someones back. Say it to their face.
People who think they are above other people.
People who are racist, sexist, homophobic etc. Including "Britain first" sharers and the like.
People who are arrogant.
People who are rude unnecessarily.
People who misjudge kindness as weakness.
People who think I'm not a good person or "could never be friends with me" because I don't want animals in my house.

PawneeParksDept · 04/10/2018 16:34

I've ended friendships over :

Compulsive lying
Complete disregard for the feelings of others
Me, Me, Me behaviour

But can't think of anything else.

Oh yes, attempts at religious conversion - very wary of these types.

I'm fine with differing political views as long as they don't bang on about it overly, less so prejudiced opinions that go with an extreme viewpoint

beyondthesky · 04/10/2018 16:39

The Op hasn't come back since their original post yesterday so I presume this may be filling column inches shortly.

PawneeParksDept · 04/10/2018 16:40

Oh and as mentioned above I would absolutely reconsider the friendship if the friend was deliberately engaging in extramarital affair and more so if there were DC involved.

No one wants to listen to someone plotting against another woman and expecting moral support to do so

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/10/2018 16:49

'Anyone who behaves like a twat,' probably covers it nicely.

Lizzie48 · 04/10/2018 16:50

Exactly, @RangeRider Ann Widdecombe notably is very strongly against fox hunting. It's true that there are more Tory supporters in favour of fox hunting than against, but that is changing now.

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 04/10/2018 17:33

Takers. Those who take but never give and make one sided friendships.

Generally i would judge on case by case. With one friend is was her mlm scheming, another it was her self adsorption which j had tolerated far too long. One made crass comments after my miscarriage and i significantly cooled things.

Everyoneiswingingit · 04/10/2018 18:19

Apart from the obvious(racists, sexists and homophobes) I really can't stand serial bad time keepers. I will wait 10 mins and then I'm gone.

Conseulabananahammock · 04/10/2018 18:21

A friend who pretends to hate my fiancee,but when shes turned up to mine and I'm late coming from work shes all over him like a rash.....

scarbados · 04/10/2018 18:43

She was a good friend for 10 years then we both moved away and I didn't have much contact with her for the next 5 or so until she came to visit me. I was working for an adoption agency and her reaction to that was 'I don't suppose you accept same sex couples as adopters'. We did and I told her this, only to have her spend the next 3 days complaining about her meeting homophobia every day of her life.

Then I had to keep a hospital appointment and she came with me, only to tell me loudly that she'd wait outside rather than in the waiting room because 'all these black people are making my flesh crawl'. I was so embarassed that I apologised to everyone in the waiting room but vowed to bite my tongue until we got back to my house. Just as we got into the house, my gorgeous Bangladeshi neighbour came round with a meal she'd cooked for me (a regular feature of my life in Birmingham!) and my 'friend' walked out of the room as she came in.

'Friend' said she'd not be eating with us that evening 'if she's cooked it'.

'Friend' was told to pack her bags and get out of my house if she couldn't be civil to my neighbours.

Belina · 04/10/2018 18:47

Being convicted of paedophilia, child abuse, rape or animal abuse.
Disliking animals
Finding other people's misery comical
Stealing from me
Being a Dubai porter potty girl or having a bad reputation

Most other things I can look past.