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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask about friendship dealbreakers?

267 replies

Tobythecat · 03/10/2018 17:53

What are your deslbreakers when it comes to friends?

Mine are -

Voting Tory
Disliking animals or being cruel to them
Being judgemental towards mental illness
Being a food snob

OP posts:
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 05/10/2018 07:38

Lying
Total friendship killer

cheminotte · 05/10/2018 08:51

I don’t know for sure how most of my friends vote, mostly I haven’t asked. I have some political friends but also some where we support each other with specific situations (Our SN kids, our career) so politics doesn’t come into it.
If they said something outright racist etc I’d re-evaluate but mostly it just doesn’t come up.
If I feel a friendship is a bit one sided (I.e. I’m doing all the organising), I will try and sit back a bit and have sometimes been pleasantly surprised.

Highlandheath · 05/10/2018 08:52

WOW blue yacht... Wanting to bring their children to everything causes you to drop a friend? Soooo.. Mumsnet... Er.... I don't bring my children to everything because they are old enough to be left unsupervised now... But I totally get how costly it is as a single mum to get sitters and so, cos, like, I get that... if someone can't come to supper at my house because.... Kids... I say... Bring kids!... They are sort of human.... and go with the whole "Mum" thing! Remarkably, children are just people who are younger than me.... I'm guessing you wouldn't turn down a yacht...

Highlandheath · 05/10/2018 08:56

The sort of person who is such an expert child psych, and consultant paediatrician with an o level in RE who feels it incumbent on them to point out that your child is "odd" and maybe "autistic"... Too fucking right he's autistic, but you know what, when I need a diagnosis I don't go to competitive mum, but if you do insist on going there, your kid is obnoxious, is that genetic?

Missingstreetlife · 05/10/2018 09:09

Recently developed a friendship with someone who has opposing politics to mine. It's interesting, but I think feelings may run high!

Tinkobell · 05/10/2018 09:13

People who insist on "holding court" in a group chat over and over again.....it just pisses me off to sit there humouring them.

People that fiddle or diddle paying bills example "tradesmen forgot to bill me, lucky me - I'm quids in"......hate that kind of cheap behaviour with a vengeance.

PoisonousSmurf · 05/10/2018 09:20

Do any of you actually have friends? lol!

MulticolourMophead · 05/10/2018 09:33

@Highlandheath I have no problems in general with DCs coming along. But every now and then I want an adult meet-up.

Children change the dynamic completely, and sometimes I like to have adult conversation, including swearing of rude stuff if the chat goes that way. It in no way means I see children as not human.

ArianwenTheAstronaut · 05/10/2018 09:33

Oh I love people who “hold court”! We used to host a lot of parties when I was growing up and my parents used to invite at least one or two of these sorts of people because they are so entertaining. Different strokes I guess.

Highlandheath · 05/10/2018 09:46

The children go to bed.... Then it's just the adults... At least, mine do! And the children who come to mine do too... I'd rather have a friend over than leave her stranded because she has children - obvs cash comes into it, single mums often struggle, add a babysitter to the restaurant bill, and you don't have cash to buy milk... Children grow up, and then adults only for the whole evening is achievable - but until then, for some of us, kids come too.... If that's a deal breaker cool. Good to know!

Highlandheath · 05/10/2018 09:51

DC8 - Oh I feel your pain! I bet she told you she was an "empath"! X

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 05/10/2018 09:51

I wonder if people are talking about two different things here.
There's probably people I've failed to gel with or not bothered to keep in touch with because of politics or differences of opinion.
But when I've made a positive decision to cut someone off, it's always been a really painful decision prompted by something pretty serious.

ArianwenTheAstronaut · 05/10/2018 10:13

Yes I agree unlimited.

Leafyhouse · 05/10/2018 10:14

Ooh - how about 'OP's who abandon threads?'. Don't think I could ever be friends with one of them. Grin

BrisaOtonal · 05/10/2018 10:20

People who virtue signal, so I probably won't ever be friends with 95% of people on this thread.

I absolutely can't stand people who blanket say "oh people who vote tories, vote labour or who voted Brexit". Who you vote for is highly influenced by how much money you have, where you live and how great your life is. If you are adversely affected by politics then you will vote to better your circumstances. You are NOT ignorant.

Honestly, some of those spouting this bullshit cannot see that they themselves are massively ignorant. Or are they just dim?

BlindAssassin1 · 05/10/2018 10:32

I can handle the flat-earther stuff and the whacked out conspiracy theories of people I know. I can take it with good humour and not piss on their parade. Same with people who are on the opposite side of the political spectrum to me.

But its the 'I'm right' attitude I can't bear. A friend of DP's doesn't believe in global warming. Fine, whatever, you're wrong but whatever, except he's such an obnoxious twat about it, insisting his 'science off the dark web' is better and more 'true' than mine. I'm grateful not to have seen him for 2 years.

That and gossips. If they're slagging off someone to you, they are bitching about you behind your back too.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/10/2018 10:41

A friend who, when we were on the beach on holiday in Malta, saw a group of children with Down's syndrome (obviously with their teachers for school outing) and said "You'd think they'd keep them away from normal people, wouldn't you."

The rest of the holiday didn't go well.

Deliphant · 05/10/2018 10:46

Mum friends who drag their toddlers round town too much instead of doing child led stuff
Mum friends who frequent macdonalds or give their kids too many sugary snacks that my toddlers might want

Mamabear - you sound rather judgey Grin - I want to know what's 'too much' - when i was a SAHM I needed at least a weekly trip into town to keep my sanity and, you know, to get stuff we needed.

I'm guilty of the Macdonalds stuff as well..

BrisaOtonal · 05/10/2018 10:59

Mum friends who drag their toddlers round town too much instead of doing child led stuff

But what if there isn't a Steiner Academy in your home town or any classes where your child can make things from organic dough?

Believe it or not, taking your child to supermarkets, talking to them as you tootle along and point things out for them, getting them to touch textures in shops, going on the bus or train and eat out in public IS actually more educational than paying a tenner to sit in a class and shake lentils in a BPA free bottle singing a PC amended nursery rhyme.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 05/10/2018 11:45

Someone I was once friends with told me that they'd had a dog when her (still small) dcs were younger, but she found it difficult to cope with, so she got her dh to drive it into the countryside and 'let it go'. I.e. abandon it.
I never felt at all the same towards her after that.

I found out months after the rumour had been going around, that someone I'd looked on as a friend had been telling everyone I was anorexic. She'd based this on the fact that I'd turned down biscuits at her house - at the time I preferred a cig with my coffee anyway, and in any case they were probably custard creams which I don't like anyway.

This was decades ago when I was barely a size 10 - alas no longer...
The so called friend was one of those people who are permanently on a diet they never stick to, and are always stuffing cakes and biscuits regardless. So to her, anyone turning down biscuits had to have something wrong with them.

glamorousgrandmother · 05/10/2018 12:29

GETTING that is awful about the dog. I couldn't speak to anyone who had done that and thought it was OK. I'd probably report them to the RSPCA.

hungryhippo90 · 05/10/2018 12:34

Ignorant to MH.

A cheeky fucker out to get all they can,

I had a friend who I’d always felt was looking out for me, she didn’t think DH was a very good worker or had much value to any employer or business, years on, she was still convinced of the same. Even after her family run their business to ruin, at the expense of their employees, many of whom were long term family friends, to create a new fresh business in other family members names, mind she dropped the put downs the last time I saw her, she was madly jealous to see how good the life DH provides us is, and no, wasn’t happy when I refused to give her £10k as a loan.

I’ve refused to see her since seeing who she really is.

hungryhippo90 · 05/10/2018 12:44

What is a Dubai porter potty girl? I’m not brave enough to google it!

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 05/10/2018 13:55

hungry Well apparently it's basically western women who work as prostitutes in Dubai but post all over insta like their life is super glam, but they do all kinds of degrading stuff. Not sure how widespread it is and how much it's just people who are jealous and slagging off people who appear more successful than them.

fernandoanddenise · 05/10/2018 13:58

I’m really chill and value differences of opinion. Brexit taught me that differences don’t spell the end of friendship and forced me to really consider other views even those I disagreed with. However if I found out a friend was/is or had considered Morris Dancing then that would be it. Deal breaker.