to ask about friendship dealbreakers?

[Tobythecat]

What are your deslbreakers when it comes to friends?

Mine are -

Voting Tory
Disliking animals or being cruel to them
Being judgemental towards mental illness
Being a food snob

Being late
Being flakey about meeting up
Being busy
Sending texts listing all the times she can't do due to how exceptionally busy she is when a simple 'I can do X date' would suffice
Basically not prioritising our time together as important as all her other stuff so I've decided to leave her to her other busy stuff and I'm all the better for it

I cant be friends with people who think mlm schemes are a good way to earn a living....also people who call me 'hun'....oddly enough the two usually go hand in hand !!!

Racism
Sexism
Homophobia
Chronic unpunctuality
Letting me down in time of real need twice
Two-facedness
Drugtaking
People whose lives and every conversation revolve around their kids

A friend I made in school 30 years ago recently put on FB, due to roadwork signs, he hoped they were in certain foreign dialects also.

All the other obvious ones, and liking shite music

@Itchyknees

Anyone who, when I leave them, makes me feel in some way “less than.” That’s hard to explain, but I firmly believe friends should be people you choose to have in your life because they allow you to be or inspire you to be, your best self. If I find myself feeling crap after seeing them, they’re gone.

Yup, great point. I have a tattoo on my back "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent".

Asking to split a bill according to what they ate and drank
I have, in the past, been very short of money and it was very annoying to eat frugally, pass on pudding etc. and then have to pay for someone else's expensive meal. Now, my retired fiends and I tend to pay for what we've had as there is no need to make it about the other's financial status.

I can't believe how long some of your lists are; does anyone qualify to earn the privilege of being your friend??

Asking to split a bill according to what they ate and drank

If that's a dealbreaker I think you're a bit of an arse unless you know all your friends are in the same financial position. I've been out in a group of friends for a curry after an event and some people have had a huge meal and a couple of drinks and others have had a portion of chips and a coke. Why the fuck should the latter pay five times the cost to subsidise other people's eating (or more often than not drinking)?

If you're all roughly having the same two courses and two glasses fine, split it.

racists
homophobes
people who bang on about 'political correctness gone mad' when they don't know what they are talking about
people who use you for a friend when no-one else is around
people who brag about money and possessions
drug users (I include smoking and people who drink to excess)

Things I've ended friendships over:

Really consistent low level sexist "banter" and treating his girlfriends horribly.
Finding out he had raped his step daughter
Beating someone to death in a coke fuelled argument over a pouch of tobacco
Starting a really unhelpful rumour that my boyfriend was abusing me, which complicated my life for several months.

Different people btw

Racism would put me off forming a friendship with someone.
But I currently have a racist Facebook friend.
She wasn't racist when I knew her irl but has clearly fallen down a Tommy Robinson shaped logarithm since then.
I'm spending a lot of time challenging her views and I'm on the verge of defriending as its getting tiresome.

People who are obsessed with trivia and gossip.
People who make snide remarks to put you down and then pretend they didn't or they were joking. I dropped a friend like a shot for that.

Lizzie48 personally i have very few actual friends, altho plenty of acquaintences. For me that works because when i'm with my friends i know i won't be sat gritting my teeth at the things they say/do. Also means if i need my friends i know they won't use it as leverage over me 😂

Not repaying a loan

@JaceLancs

This happened to me with my so-called best friend. She'd shown herself to be selfish numerous times, but because of her MH issues I made allowances for.

But then I talked my DH into agreeing to loaning her a fairly substantial sum to pay off her mortgage arrears. She had 2 properties and told me she was in the process of selling one of them and would be able to pay me back soon.

It turned out that her debts exceeded the value of both her properties. (She was obsessed with buying clothes.)

We never got the money back. She used to send Christmas cards with newsletters describing her overseas holidays. When the cards arrived, my DH used to say, 'I wonder whether there's a cheque inside?'

There really was no way back, obviously. What it taught me was that MH issues and being a CF are not mutually exclusive.

Lizzie48
Funnily enough my friend also had MH issues anxiety depression and agoraphobia
I lent her some money out of my DC savings as she was in arrears on mortgage and in danger of losing her home
I told her at the time it was a deal breaker and that due to her financial situation I wouldn’t expect it back quickly - as she got some benefits 2 weekly and some monthly I suggested £5 a week
It never happened but she could still afford to spend 15-20 a week on wine - I called her out on it and again reminded her it was my DC money and gave her a final chance
Then I cut contact completely - that was over 10 years ago
Recently by chance I bumped into one of her DC who had also gone NC with her due to MH and alcohol issues - she did lose her home, along with most of her friends and family

Very simple one for me, anyone who ever tries to deliberately fuck me over, no matter how small. Couldn't really care if you have different beliefs to me, let's talk about it, it should be interesting. Cross that line though and you're done.

MH issues are not an excuse to be a CF. I have MH issues, in my case complex PTSD as a result of childhood SA, but I hate owing people money; I only borrow if I don't have cash on me at that moment, and I pay it back straightaway.

I hate the way MH issues are used to justify the worst behaviour possible, and to make people feel guilty for taking action to protect themselves. (My DM has done this for many years to get me to look out for my DB, who can't take care of himself, now I've pulled away because I need to put my DDs and myself first.)

Opening disliking children, and was rude to my own DC. Kept going on about being child-free.

Moaners, drama llamas, people who are always criticising their other friends to me.

Imo MH issues are not an excuse to be a dick. From somebody who suffers with MH issues

All the usual ism s, plus dishonesty, massive ego , lack of straight forward ness.
And being a conspiracy theorist. IME they don’t pause for breath, are always right, lack awareness and think they are intelligent while making it obvious they clearly aren’t.

People who look down on others

Especially those who are
poorer eg: food bank users, the homeless, those on benefits,
or vulnerable eg: disabled, elderly, mental health issues etc,
or those in service roles eg: cleaners, waiting staff, etc

People who believe made up shit on the internet. Facebook is a real eye opener.

The one who wants us to complain about a mental health unit for teenagers and young adults being built near her aunts house.......and if your child needs help dearie......? And this was a HCP.......

I think there are two standards. There are things I won't put up with even in acquaintances like racism, homophobia, sexism, generally being a not nice person, getting involved in endless drama especially when they try to involve me. I just don't even entertain people like that and I won't pretend I like them.

Then there are things I'll tolerate in acquaintances, but I would never be able to call such people friends. Stuff like being flaky, using me as a last resort, being stuck on single issues (only talk about kids/work), being the kind of person who wants a quantity of friends not quality (eg invites a bunch of people to their party even though they barely know them/tries to show off how many instafriends they have or whatever), not understanding that I don't need many people and am not available at the drop of a hat, being immature etc etc. If they do those things, we can still hang out, have a cuppa, maybe they're a laugh in some ways, but we'll never be actual friends, and that's ok. I just wouldn't trust them or confide in them or rely on them.

Even though I'm a massive lefty/feminist, I don't really care about other people's political leanings as long as they act like decent people and are willing to have some banter about it without taking it too seriously. My parents in law are seriously awesome people and they are as righty as they come.