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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask about friendship dealbreakers?

267 replies

Tobythecat · 03/10/2018 17:53

What are your deslbreakers when it comes to friends?

Mine are -

Voting Tory
Disliking animals or being cruel to them
Being judgemental towards mental illness
Being a food snob

OP posts:
dorisdog · 03/10/2018 19:39

People who are passive aggressive on forums (my attempt at irony)

My main friendship dealbreakers are:

  • people who deliberately make others uncomfortable
  • bullying

I think forgive everything else, even Tories ;-) I might not hang out in the pub with people who hold right wing views, but I wouldn't ditch family and wider friends over it.

FermatsTheorem · 03/10/2018 19:39

And I hate people who say "we'll split the bill, yeah?" then go on and order expensive stuff expecting everyone else to subsidise them.

Or that other old favourite - going down the pub with a group of coupled-up mates. They buy rounds as couples, you end up buying rounds as a singleton (complete with scales all over her body...)

Mummadeeze · 03/10/2018 19:39

People who are rude to people serving them. Hate that. Anyone who doesn’t approve of same sex marriage or same sex couples adopting children. People who are narrow minded in general. Also v flakey people who cancel on you over and over. People who talk incessantly and don’t listen to what you say. People who steal from shops.

SallySangFroid · 03/10/2018 19:40

Based on some of these I think I must have incredibly low standards!

I’m trying to remember the last friend I cut out entirely... Oh there was one who hates children. Not like she doesn’t know how to deal with them or she feels a bit awkward around them; she hates them Confused. I always thought it was a wee joke when we were at university like “oh no I’m never having kids bleurgh” then it got weird when she had a nephew who she wouldn’t acknowledge at all and pulled yuk faces at and was always complaining publicly on SM about there being p&c parking spaces in her local supermarket - fine if she’d had a normal reason to disagree with those spaces being there, but her reason was purely that she hates children. Really weird. I had to cut her out.

Before that.... oh yes, the friend who got wasted at my parents’ house, called all my friends snobs, came on to my dad in front of my mum, smoked fags in my parents’ non smoking house and then wet herself. She was all apologetic and then went completely off radar and didn’t contact me till she got engaged about 6 months later and then phoned me up to brag about it. I realised then that she actually didn’t like me very much, she just wanted to compete with me.

Obviously anyone racist / homophobic / violent towards humans or animals etc etc would go on the not a friend pile right away. But I wouldn’t be friends with anyone like that to begin with, so it would be an almighty shock if my usually liberal friend suddenly turned into a raging homophobe.

user1484424013 · 03/10/2018 19:40

Buying me a size 22 maid on honour dress. When I am a 14 dropped a shit load of weight and have the gall to tell me you thought I was in senile about my size. No love you were and also £150 lighter due to alterations. I stayed on as moh. Cut contact then sent the message of leave me the fuck alone a few months later....

dorisdog · 03/10/2018 19:41

...actually cruelty to animals, children, or anyone vulnerable might be a dealbreaker, too.

pivoslac · 03/10/2018 19:42

Bad hygiene
Unwillingness to accept that people can have different likes, dislikes, ideas, opinions, and life experiences
People who make completely unsubstantiated assumptions about you and then try to pass it on as fact

sophisticatedsarcasm · 03/10/2018 19:42

Being interfering
Ignorant/ rude
Condescending. I will not entertain anyone that presents as condescending.

Generally I get on with most people but if I click with someone they generally will not have the above traits.

dorisdog · 03/10/2018 19:43

SallySangFroid OMG 'the friend who got wasted...' Blimey!

MissConductUS · 03/10/2018 19:44

Also used to be friends with someone who decided she was re-training as a homeopath.

This. I've been cursed at for telling someone that dandelion extract was not going to cure her father's brain cancer. Or someone with a serious belief in astrology as real. Or someone who wants to convince me that the earth is 6,000 years old.

Dinnaehinksae · 03/10/2018 19:47

Phoning my dm and sil after finding out my dbro had passed, crying down the phone that she knew how they felt cause she had previously had a miscarriage. Not trying to minimise the devastation an mc can cause but there's a time and place and that was neither.

SallySangFroid · 03/10/2018 19:49

doris

Yeah, it was not a great night for any of us! My poor mum Sad. I remember her coming to get me to peel former friend off my dad! It was kind of funny in hindsight, but also a bit horrible.

The braggy phone call out of the blue to boast about everything from her ring to the exact price of the gift vouchers her relatives had bought her as engagement presents Hmm. It was a penny drop moment for me - aaaaah you don’t like me! Never looked back.

eggstoast · 03/10/2018 19:51

Slowly ghosting longtime friend that seems to think Alf Garnett is an inspirational character.
Also appears to knows anything and everything, including how to run my own business and she’s not afraid to tell me. She works in a completely unrelated 9-5 and knows fuck all.
Shes outgoing and strikes up friendship easily, what her new friends don’t realise is that the fun ‘ telling it like it is ‘ person you just befriended, will be bitching about you the minute youre out of earshot.
(Undoubtedly I’m been bitched about too)
She does have some good qualities and can be genuinely warm hearted, but after spending a weekend with her I’m done.
From now on only want friends with similar, or no political beliefs.
And less two faced.
Knowledgeable, but don’t feel need to share would be fabulous.

lexi727 · 03/10/2018 19:53

Voting Tory
Racist/homophobic
People who don't return favours (I just think it's polite!'
People who aren't nice to waiters/shop assistants

Enjoli · 03/10/2018 19:57

Being a "cool girl"

Malicious gossip or social undermining

Poor hygiene/grooming

Judging or belittling my parenting style, preferences or interests

Using elaborate intellectual justifications to excuse just being crap

Redstar2014 · 03/10/2018 19:58

Juice Plus.

Pissedoffdotcom · 03/10/2018 19:59

Anyone who will be deliberately cruel - to animals or others. No thanks.

Racists
Homophobes
Idiots who think MH issues aren't real
Anyone who thinks they are somehow better than me because they have a bigger house/better car/more money.

I have a very small circle of friends because i just hate people 😂

laceygo · 03/10/2018 19:59

Disloyalty

brimfull · 03/10/2018 20:02

Racists and bullshitters

Jlynhope · 03/10/2018 20:02

@seanna, I don't think being a best friend means you have to accept all behaviour. My mom and me were the family left behind when my dad up and left for another woman. I wouldn't keep a friend who kicked puppies, and I make no apologies for not keeping a friend who disregards marriage.

DarlingNikita · 03/10/2018 20:03

I've dropped someone who voted for Brexit so 'the UK can make its own decisions' and also cited the bendy-banana thing. This is an intelligent, well-informed person so no excuse.

And someone who would very often cancel meet-ups at short notice. I didn't mind that and would never have moaned or thought less of them for it (MH issues were involved), but then I had to cancel something with about four days notice and they were very snotty about it. I'd previously been relaxed about them cancelling with a day, a morning, on occasion a couple of hours' notice, so I just thought it seemed like one rule for me and one for them and I CBA with that.

Tara336 · 03/10/2018 20:07

Anyone who supports EDL type organisations, takes drugs, flaky/unreliable, liars and drama queens

Pissedoffdotcom · 03/10/2018 20:08

Oh yeah & cheats. I have dropped a friend for knowlingly sleeping with a married man. No intentions of leaving his wife, had a new baby etc etc. She didn't give a shit. No excuse for that.

Oh & drink/drug driving. Selfish pricks

WeLoveFlowers · 03/10/2018 20:12

Bitchy comments about other women. I couldn’t trust that person not to bitch about me. And illegal drug use.

I definitely would not end a friendship based on politics. I like having friends with different political views as it challenges my own ideas and values and I like diversity. I do know other Labour voters who have said they wouldn’t be friends with a Tory but I’ve never heard it said the other way round!

FascinatingCarrot · 03/10/2018 20:13

@ThistleAmore
I also once 'consciously decoupled' from a former friend who cheated constantly on their partner. It wasn't a moral judgement per se, but when they started trying to drag ME in and to try to persuade me to lie on their behalf, I noped out.

Exactly the same happened to me. Still in 'likes' on FB touch but thats it. Shame, but couldnt do it.