Honest opinions- is it petty to take back a cot ?!

[Yelsgirl]

So I’m 33 weeks pregnant
Partner walked out on me suddenly at 26 weeks
We had babies nursery all ready it’s gorgeous - ex partners mum bought the cot and she has now asked for it back so it can stay at her house.

What do people think of this ?
I’m shocked as I was under impression it was a gift for her grandchild.
I have offered to give her the money so I don’t have to have the stress of removing that one and getting a new one - but she wants that cot as it was on offer.
Unsure if I think this is ridiculous cause I’m hormonal or because it is ridiculous

Agree with SleepingStandingUp. Tell your ex he needs to replace it and build it as you’re not able to, physically or mentally.

Does he even know his mum has asked this?

Give her the cot and then block all contact with her and your prick of an ex. They have no legal rights at all until the baby is born, and if they are harassing you it's best to cut them out of your life at least until then.
Once your baby is here, carry on being polite but firm: they can see the baby, but no overnights, and if they act up, it will be supervised contact only. It will take them money and time to get any court orders in place - and no court will order overnight stays away from mum for a tiny baby anyway.

Write her a letter saying .... as your son has walked out on me and our unborn child, i would have thought you’d be more supportive for your grandchild’s sake, I’d think long and hard if you really want to continue trying to stir up more drama, as it dosnt bode well for your future relationship with me or your grandchild.
I’ll be taking this action by you as a warning of things to come, you can tell your son to come collect the cot, not that you’ll need it.
Please refrain from buying anything further for my child if you plan on taking it straight back.

You won’t be hearing from me again

OP

It sounds as though they are being deliberately awkward: they could easily buy a new one. I really don't understand why they are risking alienating you before the baby is even born?? If my DS did this I would be angry and upset - with him - and I would be making sure that his ex_DP had everything she needed and knew I was there for support. There's no way I'd be risking a rift with a new DGC arriving imminently. Nasty people. Like others have said - give your baby your name and no sleepovers 'til you're ready.

Owabno
Until the birth is officially registered, the baby is referred to (on all hospital records etc) by the mother's surname.

Polestar but that is something entirely different

Little and often is what is recommended. Babies should not be separated from the primary caregiver which means that you should be present at access visits. A couple of hours at a time.

This in spades. It is stressful and damaging for baby to be away from the primary care giver. Don't feel you have to let them have the baby out of your sight at all. Personally, I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate, that way he can't force the issue with the courts. I believe I'm right in saying you can add him later, when being separated from you wouldn't do the baby harm.

Why do people think that only breastfeeding mums want to be near their baby? yes that's clearly what people meant. This is actually just a stealth post around how terrible ff mums are. Not.
We all know new mums don't want to be parted fro mtheir baby and babies don't want to be separated from their mum. Bf just answers every argument that can be made. If she's ff then Dad can easily take baby off to his for 6 hours or overnight

If you can afford to buy a new cot then do it. As a pp said, I couldn’t bear to look at it. I also like the idea of loosing a couple of screws and an important bit of wood might get broken during the dismantling process. Have you got a friend/relative who could do it for you?

I would ask her why she feels the need to take back a cot which she bought for her grandchild when she won’t be needing it for at least a year as you intend to breastfeed and the baby will not be sleeping anywhere without you.

I would certainly give the child my surname too - it most certainly makes it easier when you have the same surname as your child fir holidays, at school etc. Also - and I’m not sure about the legality of this but - if you married a new partner in the future then if the child has your name I don’t think you need permission to change it. You don’t know what sort of father your ex is going to be but if his behaviour so far is anything to go by the words ‘ selfish and petty’ spring to mind . A man who walks out on his pregnant partner who is having a high risk pregnancy then assists his mother with petty and spiteful behaviour doesn’t sound like he is going to put his child first. His mother sounds just as bad -why are they doing this when your pregnancy is high risk?? Nasty buggers.

Ultimately it’s up to you - keep the cot or give them it back .
If you have someone to dismantle it fir you then say they can have it.
If you haven’t then tell them no, it was a gift for her grandchild.
But either way, set out your stall early on. You are NOT going to be pushed around by them and you will be doing things YOUR way. I wouldn’t mention the surname either. I would just register the baby as soon as possible after the birth. The registrar came to hospital when I was in and I did it before I was discharged.

Whatever you do, look after yourself and the baby.
My baby slept in her pram ( we took it upstairs minus the wheels every night) for the first 6 months as she was in our room. I only put her in the cot at 6 months when I moved her into her own room. So realistically you don’t even need a cot for the first few months.
Let us know how it turns out.
Good luck.

Give it back so you don’t owe her anything. Tell her to come and collect it though and make it clear you don’t need anything from her because she is out of your life

About registering the birth - at the hospital they give the baby the mother's name: I wasn't married with first DC so the baby got my maiden surname. When you register the birth I think the father has to be there IF the couple is not married. A married woman can register on her own, but if she's not married then she cannot put down the father on birth cert unless he's present. At least that's what is was 8 years ago when I registered last DC.

What a bitch. Give the cot back and say nothing about your plans. Then quietly give the baby your surname and don’t put the father on the birth certificate. If nothing else this will piss them off massively. Let them continue under the delusion that the baby will be “stopping out”. Then after the birth refuse all access and make them take you to court, which will take weeks if not months. Also breastfeed and refuse overnight access for as long as humanly possible. Make sure the baby never sleeps in that cot!

I know this isn't what you are asking but please do check out the legal implications of naming.

You can have your ex DP recorded as the father on the birth certificate but give the baby your surname.

As far as I understand it, if you give the baby his surname (even if double barrelled etc) you CANNOT then change it at a later date.

That's horrible. Apart from anything else, she's had weeks to sort it

I'd probably give it back. Even if you don't allow sleepovers for the first year then it will still be needed at some point. It would just annoy me every time I looked at it and I think it's important to try and keep good relations with them at this point.

I think I'd say OK, but given its a high risk pregnancy you aren't up to dismantling it yourself, and will obviously need to sort out a new one before they collect it in case the baby comes early and will need a bit of time as hadn't budgeted for this expense. And you'll need help collecting and setting up the new one before the old one goes.

Then I'd let them take their precious cot and breastfeed for at least a year so the baby needs to stay with you. If you don't give them a bottle before around 3 months it's unlikely they will take one from someone else

I'd look on Facebook selling sites for a new one. It does feel a bit strange as you want everything new for the first baby but honestly the amount of baby stuff you have to chuck or sell after a few weeks makes you realise it's not worth shelling out for new when you don't have to! I'd get one that has sides you can take off and put it next to your bed. Double check the dimensions (or get the exact name and Google them to check yourself) and buy a brand new mattress to go in it. Once you've cleaned it and it's got a new mattress it will seem brand new.

Your Mil is being mean asking for a present back and unkind not accepting the cash and for the timing of it. But I'd probably rise above it so they can't hold it over you (why should I pay maintenance when you kept all the baby stuff etc). If it was me I think I'd feel better after getting rid of the reminder. If you refuse you're going to remember it every time you see it

This is from an Aussie website. It cities research that should be available in the UK if you want to use it.

www.armstronglegal.com.au/family-law/child-custody/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMInJHroJfp3QIVghsqCh3iCAvnEAAYASABEgJlGvD_BwE
AGE-APPROPRIATE PARENTING ARRANGEMENTS
There has been a great deal of research into attachment theory which relates to the bonds newborn babies form with a primary carer. Accordingly, orders for equal time are not always appropriate, such as in cases involving babies. Age appropriate orders that gradually increase time recognise the social science factors that are ultimately in the bests interests of the child.
Age development theory suggests (depending on the individual development of the child , the circumstances of separation and the involvement of the parents):-
Babies have a primary carer (usually one parent) and should spend frequent short periods of time with the other parent;
At about two years of age children can tolerate up to only one night away, two times a week (not in succession) from the primary carer;
At school age (about five), this can increase to equal time, 3-4 nights on and 3-4 nights off with parents; and
At about ten, the time apart from the parents can increase to week about arrangements.

Until the birth is officially registered, the baby is referred to (on all hospital records etc) by the mother's surname.

I know. That's very different to the post I was responding to that said babies are registered with the mothers name and it is often changed later to the fathers.

Referring to and being registered as are not the same thing.

No baby is registered as anything until the parent/s register them. That's nothing to do with the name used in hospital. Baby 'owabno' means the baby of X owabno.

I'd contact ex, say of your Mother wants her cot back then you need to come take it down, fetch a new one from the store and put it up. I assume you don't want baby sleeping on the floor or expect me to do it heavily pregnant.

This

I'm sorry but it is a nasty thing for her to do. You are pregnant and your partner has just left and now she has got your worrying about an essential such as a cot. If it was me - I would give it back as I would not want the hassle of the stress. But you might want to text her - sure - get your son to buy a cot for this child and he can pick your's up when he delivers the new cot. He might not want to do this so problem could be solved.

"your son is welcome to dismantle as collect the cot.
As long as he delivers and assembles a replacement cot first"

@owabno in the UK the babies last name on hospital records are registered with their mothers last name. The mother is the patient. Do they even ask the father? They may be with other services that the mother is in contact with too. Then at the registry office it's the mothers decision to change it. They always change the first name because it's normally Baby eg mine was Baby Llama and I changed it to Small Llama when registered (her name isnt really Small)

Or
Ikea do very cheap cots if money is an issue. Our second hand and new mattress

A hospital record is not registration.

Get rid of the cot, do you have anyone to take it down? Take it to bits and drop it in their porch/ drive.

Mil and DH are being absolutely spiteful but don't rise to it.
The only way to deal with this is rise above.
Don't rush you can tell them you are sourcing a new cot (I love the baby boxes) or a basket for the first couple of months.

Don't let them in the house or as soon as baby comes they will be around constantly.
Fuck em don't dance to their tune.

I think it's important to try and keep good relations with them at this point.

Not if all they add to the OP's life is grief. They've let her see what they're like, upsetting her over absolute nonsense. That woman wouldn't be allowed anywhere near a baby of mine - as the months go by she'll be dripping poison into exP's ear about applying for joint custody, or what a terrible mother the OP is, anything and everything to cause trouble.

I agree I am afraid that Grandmum to be is either being vindictive, selfish or very thoughtless. Do check out your legal position. If you are in the UK make early contact with your local Sure Start Centre if you have one and potentially with Homestart. Tell them - if it’s the case - that you have lost your support network. I’ve no idea of the legal position re the cot but I would be inclined to only now speak to your ex - make it clear that you are very hurt by this. Make it clear that baby would not be staying away from you until feeding and sleeping patterns establish but be honest and say that his Mum’s attitude is making you question baby staying over night at her house in any event. If you are agreeable all contact to be at yours - you may not want him there but you could suggest a contact centre. If you are willing make it clear that you are wanting - for baby - to make the relationship workable with him and his family but that will take some flexibility on both sides. Explain that you don’t understand why getting the cot back is important now particularly as it could damage your health - remind him that no one has offered to help with the taking down of the cot or getting a new one - and so in turn the baby’s health is at risk. Try and keep questioning and reasonable....but stay firm. Try not to be overly emotive - she can’t see baby etc - until you really know what you want and need. Just keep everything on your terms as much as possible. At best offer him half of the cost of the replacement with him dismantling it when he’s brought the new one. Good luck.