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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Honest opinions- is it petty to take back a cot ?!

341 replies

Yelsgirl · 03/10/2018 08:05

So I’m 33 weeks pregnant
Partner walked out on me suddenly at 26 weeks
We had babies nursery all ready it’s gorgeous - ex partners mum bought the cot and she has now asked for it back so it can stay at her house.

What do people think of this ?
I’m shocked as I was under impression it was a gift for her grandchild.
I have offered to give her the money so I don’t have to have the stress of removing that one and getting a new one - but she wants that cot as it was on offer.
Unsure if I think this is ridiculous cause I’m hormonal or because it is ridiculous

OP posts:
diamondofdoom · 03/10/2018 09:15

Um, no? What a spiteful witch. She sounds like an arsehole to not even be disgusted by her sons actions.

(exactly what my ex was like with his mum, fair to say neither of them wanted to be involved and Haven't seen her or asked about her in the whole 2 and a half years of her life)

Annnnyway, I'd tell her you're keeping the cot so you can raise your baby. If they want a cot, buy another.

SnuggyBuggy · 03/10/2018 09:16

Send her a link to where she can buy a battery operated doll. If you do give the cot back definitely remove the assembly instructions and some screws.

PolkaDoting · 03/10/2018 09:17

I would take it apart, stick the bits in a bin liner and leave it in the garden. Tell her to come and collect.

TheLandsWhereTheJumbliesLive · 03/10/2018 09:18

I'd say no, and ask why she needed a cot at her house? Does she assume she's going to get baby for overnight visits?

BewarePregnancyHormones · 03/10/2018 09:18

Tell her no, it was a gift for the baby and it's not your fault her horrible son walked out on his family.

ravenmum · 03/10/2018 09:19

I'd give it back to her, as otherwise I'd be pissed off every time I saw it, and I wouldn't want to have that negativity in my baby's room. Leave it out on your front path for her to pick up, fully set up and lacy, with a large note attached saying "Sorry to clutter the path, my granny will be here to take back her present soon, signed Baby Yelsgirl". She can take it apart herself.

Then get yourself your own choice of cot.

PollyFlinderz · 03/10/2018 09:19

Op, give the cot back but find a way to do it that means you have no contact with either Ex or his mother during the process.

These people are telling you loud and clear who they are and you must listen to them. I doubt very much there’s going to be a positive co-parenting outcome.

BewarePregnancyHormones · 03/10/2018 09:19

Oh and make it very very clear that the baby WILL NOT be sleeping away from you until they stop breastfeeding
(even if you don't breastfeed, she doesn't need to know this!)

SalemBlackCat · 03/10/2018 09:19

Please, PLEASE send the text that Returnofthesmileybar wrote.

Also, I disagree with other posters that you should give it back. Why? They will have no need for it. You are under no obligation to allow ex-partner overnight visits. No court in the UK would force that. He can have visitation with the baby at your house or a neutral place. The baby would have grown out of the cot and be in their own bed by the time they were old enough for unsupervised overnight visits.

So what would be the point of giving the cot back?

Italiangreyhound · 03/10/2018 09:20

She is MAD. I would tell her that as it is a gift I would not be returning it. I'd also be thinking seriously about how much input into my child's life this horrible woman should have.

FloydWasACat · 03/10/2018 09:21

That's horrible! Like you don't have enough on your plate already! Tell her your ex can either pay for a replacement for yours or buy one for her house. Gobsmacked!!

FloydWasACat · 03/10/2018 09:22

...also what Salem said...

owabno · 03/10/2018 09:23

in the UK the babies last name on hospital records are registered with their mothers last name

They use the mothers surname to refer to baby. As in 'baby BNO' is the child of 'OWABNO'

There is absolutely no registering involved.

Italiangreyhound · 03/10/2018 09:23

Returnofthesmileybar the text is great.

NotANotMan · 03/10/2018 09:23

Your MIL is a total bitch but I would give it back. Morally and legally you could keep it but it's not worth it. Also as pp said the idea of them having an empty cot for months is quite pleasing Grin

AnoukSpirit · 03/10/2018 09:24

The cot is just a way to have control over you from afar. First they'll get the cot, then they'll use that as leverage to try and control your decisions on access/visits.

The only "winning" in this will be in taking care of yourself and baby, trusting your own judgement, and standing firm on prioritising your own and baby's needs. You won't convince them to be reasonable, you won't get them to see your perspective, you won't earn any goodwill by complying with this demand - there will always be another and another and another because it's about their desire to be the ones in charge of you.

Why would anybody give their baby the surname of a man who'd walked out on them rather than their own name? That makes no sense.

Mummabear2212 · 03/10/2018 09:24

This sounds awful for you OP. I would respond via text/message/email so you have proof (and in future keep all contact this way) saying they can have their cot back at x time and will need to be dismantled. I would keep things very calm and civil (outwardly) and give no indication of your future plans. In the meantime, I'd seek legal advice and advise the midwives when you give birth that she is not to be allowed on the ward. You could, if relations are that bad also ask for him to not be allowed but that will escalate things for you rapidly. They will adhere to that (there was a similar situation on the ward when I have birth). I would also quietly register the birth and give baby your surname. Please also speak to your community midwife now and let her know what is going on.

Have you got someone/family etc who can support you? You can do this, it must be harder than I can imagine but you can do this 💐

TheQueef · 03/10/2018 09:26

Salem it is wasteful but if OP keeps it it will be a slap in the face, knowing baby's own DF and Dgran didn't want her to have it.

In fact if it was me I would burn it in their garden while I watched maniacally cackling with hormones

AnotherCareerThread · 03/10/2018 09:27

Some practical tips, unsolicited but hopefully useful

*Give your baby your last name
*Change the locks on your house, as I'm guessing ex still has access?
*Be open and honest with friends and family about everything, so your support network is strong
*Go to as many baby classes as you can, meeting other new Mums and learning as much as you can will help with your confidence and mean that ex and family are less likely to get under your skin
*Post on MN for advice/support as often as you need. Most people here are wonderfully supportive
*Have a read up on your parental rights, and exs - make sure that you are fully aware of your entitlement to child support and his contact rights
*Remember that although he's the father of your child, your ex is the prick that left you whilst pregnant - do not be tempted to take him back.

SputnikBear · 03/10/2018 09:28

I disagree with other posters that you should give it back. Why? They will have no need for it.
Because they’re being twats by demanding it, and it isn’t worth the hassle to argue with them. The fact they will have no need of it is the whole point. Let them have their precious cot and look at it sitting there empty.

DishranawaywiththeSpoon · 03/10/2018 09:30

What an avsolute arsehole! Who does this? Shes having a laugh if she thinks that the baby is staying at hers anytime soon! I would give it back to have the moral high ground but make sure they come to dismantle and collect it. Then I'd maybe get exp to buy and reput up a new one. You are heavily pregnant, it is a high risk pregnancy and he would want to ensure the safety of his baby.

Absolutely don't let them have the baby overnight until they are older, it's irrelevant really whether this woman thinks it will be fine, you are the baby's mother she has no say. The baby needs you, are you planning on breastfeeding?

Wrybread · 03/10/2018 09:30

I'd reply:

"Happy for you to come and dismantle the cot and take it away, once exDP has replaced it with a new one and built it"

Also I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate. If he's that fussed he can go to court to get parental rights, but behaviour like this raises some big red flags for his future style of coparenting.

They will try to bully you into letting the baby stay overnight, probably by just talking as of its normal. It's not. I'd say overnights from 2yrs old IF your ex has kept up a regular pattern of contact. And yes bfing will help your argument, if you're able to do that.

Remember too, that you decide who is involved in your labour and who gets to visit in hospital. You can tell the midwife to put in your notes if you don't want your ex or members of his family there during that vulnerable time.

BewarePregnancyHormones · 03/10/2018 09:30

Text to send:

MIL.
I want to make myself very clear.
The baby will not under any circumstances other than my being hospitalised be staying away from me overnight for the first 6 months at least.
This is not up for discussion and any pressure about this will make me extremely upset and seriously consider if you have the baby's best interests in mind.
It is not my fault that your son decided to leave his family, especially at such a difficult and stressful time and as this cot was a gift for the baby, it will not be returned. I have stated I would give you money for it but I am not willing to disassemble and reassemble a new cot.
I would like a civil and decent relationship with all of my child's family so I hope we can move forward amicably.
Regards.

Mummabear2212 · 03/10/2018 09:30

Also, because I'm vindictive I'd enjoy the thought that they have their precious cot at their house. Empty, unused and unnecessary. Let that give you strength (no matter how petty)

starfishmummy · 03/10/2018 09:31

I'd look at this as a blessing in disguise because by doing this she has shown you exactly what she is like.

I'm in the "come and get it" camp so that she basically has a cot that is of no use to her. But obviously that means you need to get something for baby to sleep in so can you get a Moses basket and then take your time getting a cot? (Disclaimer: my only DC was tiny and was using his Moses basket for a long time, so I'm not sure how quickly the typical baby outgrows them!!)