Honest opinions- is it petty to take back a cot ?!

[Yelsgirl]

So I’m 33 weeks pregnant
Partner walked out on me suddenly at 26 weeks
We had babies nursery all ready it’s gorgeous - ex partners mum bought the cot and she has now asked for it back so it can stay at her house.

What do people think of this ?
I’m shocked as I was under impression it was a gift for her grandchild.
I have offered to give her the money so I don’t have to have the stress of removing that one and getting a new one - but she wants that cot as it was on offer.
Unsure if I think this is ridiculous cause I’m hormonal or because it is ridiculous

You are stronger than you think.
You have been a single mum, coped with childbirth, you are repairing yourself after the tragic death of your mum and you are still functioning, working etc when your twat of an ex left you during a high risk pregnancy.

You ARE strong and you CAN do this.

Make a Facebook/snapchat / whatever app - group/group message of your closest friends and family . Tell them you are going to need help and support, list dates of appointments and ask for people to come with you. Ask if anybody is willing to be your birth partner. Ask if there’s anybody who can stay with you for a few days after you come home as you will need help. If you ASK like this it’s amazing the amount of support you will find is out there.

I wouldn’t be communicating with ex or his mum until after the birth.
I would message them telling them that you are finding the request to return a gift and the threats of court too stressful when you are high risk and as a consequence of their actions you have decided to have no communication with them and you will advise them when the baby has arrived and when they may visit.
Then I would block them both. Advise your midwife what you have done and tell her you want them both banned from visiting you or baby in hospital ( in case they somehow hear you have gone in).

Obs, like everybod6 else has said , use your surname.

And because I’m a right control freak/bitch do you know what else I would do?
If you have chosen your daughters name with him then bin it and choose one YOU want. You know that YOU are going to be your daughters main parent, the one she lives with. You and she are a team ( with your little boy) and who knows if your ex will even be in your daughters life in five/ten years time. So why give her a name that will remind you of him. Pick what YOU WANT. I would.
Register her with her new name and your surname. Show that you mean business and when he left you BOTH ( because he didn’t just leave you - he left her too. If he was ‘ all that’ as a father or as he seems to think he is then he would have stayed with you until she was born at the very least) he resigned his duties towards her.

You three will be a great team. Think of your mums strength and channel that into you. You have her blood in your veins - the strength is there, you just need to tap into this.
You can do this. And if you need someone to come on Monday I’m free all day , I have a car and it’s got a full fuel tank.
And get someone to take the cot apart and drop it at their house.
Just dropped in front of the door in a heap.
Good luck. Please please keep us updated .
I think a few of us feel emotionally invested in this tread. You have lots of strong w9men supporting you on here.

OP Please try to get some legal advice.. You have been given a lot of poor information on this thread.

I do agree with using your own surname for many reasons but main one being ease and also this is your child who will mostly be with you.

Your father sounds wonderful btw.

However go see CAB or see if a lawyer near you will give 30 mins free advice. IF this man already now is talking court there is a chance he will be looking at what to do if you turn (in his opinion) " difficult" so you want to be in the best possible place to show you are being reasonable and have your daughters well being at heart.

However no matter if he lives with his mother or not he WILL get visitation with the child (unless he has some sort of as yet undisclosed serious offence) and it will likely also as the child gets older turn into overnights. I would hazard a guess that this will be whilst the child is still old enough to be in the cot (unlikely the first 6 months to a year but plenty have their child in a cot until 2/3ish)

He can apply to go on the birth certificate if he wants so really to me him being on there or not is just putting yourself through more hazzle to get it there (as I said see someone legal who will know what is best here)

I would suggest speaking to your local childrens center and see if they have some sort of course about how to co parent when separated. it really is important that you both work this out together. (if you are both willing and no abuse has taken place)

lastly good luck and lean on your dad those calm quiet people have a lot of strength in them and sounds to me like he firmly has your back. Even if not in the way you would like. Remember he is there and he loves you...

I'm so sorry they're putting you through this shit OP!

It sounds like not being involved with them anymore(in the way you would have been if you were still with your ex)will be the best thing for you and your baby.

Do you have any siblings/friends/cousins/aunts or uncles your close to who would be happy to be at the house with you and the baby if your ex comes to visit whilst your still recovering so you won't be worried about him trying to take the baby?

Your dad does not understand op that your ex is a nasty bully like his mum. You also need to understand this - he is NOT being supportive and you should keep him as far from you as possible until baby is born- YOU are the pregnant one and your health is the only concern right now, whatever suits you is best for baby.
STOP being nice. It’s completely fine to say he needs his own car seat and pram and can’t take yours, he’s already started it by agreeing with his mum he needs the only cot baby has at the moment - what if he used your other things and didn’t give them back?
Tell your midwife that both of them shouldn’t be anywhere near you. Don’t put him on the birth certificate and absolutely do not give baby his name. He’s not the one giving birth to her, he’s the guy who dumped baby’s pregnant mum and is risking baby’s health by threatening with court and bullying you about your ability to be a parent. He needs to earn his stripes.

I've just shed a tear for you OP. Perhaps a bit dramatic but I'm heavily pregnant myself and feel so sad for you going through this. My mum would say "one thing at a time". So deal with this one thing at a time. Deep breathes. You can do this.

I have to talk about your Dad. Please don't think he's letting you down. Dad's are very different to mums and he sounds a bit like mine - a bit old fashioned, a bit idealistic and it sounds like he probably thinks that in keeping your ex close in the events leading up to the babies birth will improve relations. He doesn't see that you need to protect yourself and your baby. As a PP says, he doesn't see how someone else can't love you as much as him. Please don't feel let down by him, he's trying to play the role of both parents and probably himself wishes your mum was here to talk to about it. However, a calm and frank talk with him might help a bit so he can see your side of it. Big hugs OP.

The fact that your ex's mum hasn't replied really shows her true colours in this. She was clearly trying to control the situation and you've not let her.

This thread is full of great practical advice and I hope you can take heed from it. Remember, nothing lasts forever and one day all of this will be a distant memory and you will have a wonderful relationship with your DD. Don't let this taint the early days with her, you don't deserve that. Try to minimise contact with him for now and focus on making yourself happy and doing nice things.

Everyone’s advice has been so helpful thankyou.
I’ve decided to just cut contact till I am ready- with both ex and his mum.

My dad thinks I should try to involve him in appointments etc but I just want to get through the next few weeks.
I don’t want another day where I doubt my parenting because I’m looking at my 3 year old eating his breakfast before pre-school and I know I’ve done a good job with him!

In regards to my c-section I’ve already spoke to the midwives and I will be in my section alone with an extra midwife as my birthing partner- I havnt yet decided about him going to the hospital when baby arrives. But I will probably let him visit her there- as I will have lots of people around me and I’d prefer him to meet her there rather than pressure me to come to my house. ( his mum definitely isn’t coming however)

I guess I won’t really know what’ll happen at home till the time comes. My eldest is staying with his dad for the first week, ideally it’ll be me , my newborn and lots of helpful visitors dropping by. However I don’t reallr have anyone in particular I can ask for constant or consistent help but I’m sure we will get there x

That's brilliant OP. I'm sure your dad has the best intentions but the advice he's giving you is absolutely shit. So pleased to read your update.

All the very best OP

Maybe ask a friend to stay for a few nights,post baby.Just to help you get settled.

OP, you sound like you are getting things together and that is great. You may have been knocked off your feet but you are already standing up and dusting yourself off. 💐💐💐

You sound stronger this morning.

Thing is your dad's a really decent human being and can't get his head round anyone else not being like him. That's normally fantastic but means his advice isn't great right now.

You're doing absolutely the right thing. The only answer your ex needs at any time is "You walked out on us. You've made your decision, now you have to live with the consequences". No support, no rights. It really is as black and white as that.

I wish I could move in to look after you after the birth, please try to find someone who can, you deserve to be supported and cared for.

yorkshireyummymummy Thu 04-Oct-18 00:21:11 post sums up everything.
Do reach out to others, you think there isn't anyone you can ask but people you don't expect to will often step up at a time when you really need them if you just ask and be clear on what you need.
Failing that you have the mumsnet army.

I think you’ve made a really good decision- you need to minimise stress atm

My mum would fight my corner to the absolute death. She would never let anyone hurt me. And I know my dads personality is just different and he is so calm and so collected and he does see the good in everyone and hates confrontation
That's my dad. He still thinks my ex is great, however many times I tell him the crappy things he did to me. Just like yours: he would rather think the best of people. Which is great, in a way. He met up with my ex last time he visited, and it shows what a decent man he is. And I know he loves me and just has no idea whatsoever how I feel! But it is a relief too to talk to his wife, my stepmum, who was pissed off with him for being so nice to my ex. When it's so raw, you do need that grittier support. Your dad means well, but you're an adult now, too, and in some cases you might just have to smile and nod at his advice.

I'll pass on the advice my neighbour gave me when he heard what a shit my ex was being: "Kick him in the balls!" I didn't, but I appreciated the sentiment.

It’s a good decision. Please ask your dad to support you by respecting your judgement. Tell him it’s not black and white - for example if he had hit you would your dad think you should be making nice? You want to be able to talk to your dad and lean on him without being afraid of having to have this discussion again. Your ex is not your friend , he’s cut from the same cloth as his nasty mum who wants to take a newborns cot, and take a newborn away from their mum.

Me too....am in your corner. Just saying