Honest opinions- is it petty to take back a cot ?!

[Yelsgirl]

So I’m 33 weeks pregnant
Partner walked out on me suddenly at 26 weeks
We had babies nursery all ready it’s gorgeous - ex partners mum bought the cot and she has now asked for it back so it can stay at her house.

What do people think of this ?
I’m shocked as I was under impression it was a gift for her grandchild.
I have offered to give her the money so I don’t have to have the stress of removing that one and getting a new one - but she wants that cot as it was on offer.
Unsure if I think this is ridiculous cause I’m hormonal or because it is ridiculous

I feel you give the cot back send everything. If you leave bits out it won't be safe and if they botch it that's your baby in there.

And on top of this I’m getting the constant ‘ the baby will be fine to stop out after a few weeks’

This is really worrying. You need an advocate to stop people railroading you when you're vulnerable with a new baby... is there anybody who can take that role? A sibling, a bolshy friend, an aunt or uncle?

Play them at their own game. They need a cot for theirs? So they also need a car seat and pram. Plus all nappies, wipes, changes of clothes etc. Tell them that WHEN baby eventually has unsupervised contact, you will provide nothing because they have been so insistent the baby needs it's own things there.

Will end up costing them an awful lot more than the cost of a bloody cot.

Sorry you’re having to go through this stress at the end of your pregnancy.

Definitely get legal advise re: birth certificate and child support payments.

Your baby will only stay overnight somewhere else when YOU say so, remember that. It could be after a few weeks, a few months or a few years: you decide, regardless of how your baby is fed. You will know what is best for your child.

Ignore his threats. Let them come and dismantle/collect their precious cot (although it will sit empty). Enjoy the end of your pregnancy. Look forward to meeting your new little baby soon. Stay strong - you’ve got this!

Thankyou again for all the replies.
Feeling awful tonight. It’s really playing on my mind what he said to me regarding mental health.
I should be excited for my baby girls arrival and I’m completely ashamed to say I’m not. I’m worried that I will have to let him to the hospital and let him round to my house after- I know he can’t physically force me. But I don’t want to be the mum that prevented an initial relationship with a newborn.
I also fear that if I let him come I’ll be in a vulnerable position post section and he could just take her ?! I’m completely over thinking I’m just feeling crap.

With regards to the cot I told her I will transfer her the money for the cot and she can buy a new one as I don’t particularly want to dismantle it and get a new one. She didn’t reply

You're on anti depressants?
So you're having the proper treatment for your mental health problems - this is a positive thing.

What treatment is your ex having for his twattishness?

You’re putting his needs before yours and your baby’s. STOP IT! That’s why men get away with manipulating and abusing women, because females are so conditioned to be NICE. Just bloody stop it!

Are he and his mother worried about the stress they have put on a woman that is a high risk pregnancy? NO!

Is he putting your baby’s needs and wellbeing before HIS own? ‘It’ll be fine to have baby overnight, in a few weeks.’ NO!

They are selfish bastards and they are willing to do whatever it takes to get what THEY want and to hell with what is good for your baby! Does that not make you fucking angry? Because it does me! Do you really want his mother holding your baby, in the hospital, while it cries for you? Make no mistake, that will happen. You only have to look at the mil threads on here to know what can happen during and after a birth.

Do you want him and his mother rocking up to your doorstep and taking the baby away in a few weeks, while you leak milk and sit in the house, crying for her? That will happen. Do you want them sitting in your house critiquing your abilities as a mother, until she’s old enough to go to theirs? That will happen.

Stop being so bloody worried about being NICE or what other people think. Keeping him off the birth certificate and not giving baby his name, doesn’t stop him being a father, but it gives you a breathing space to regain some control. If he catches a fucking grip and decides to do what’s best for the baby, then great. But if he and his mother decide they want the baby, at least it gives you some control.

I’ve had 2 Caesarians. Fine after 1 and quite severe pnd after the other. Please make sure that you are protected from your ex and his DM after the birth. You may feel very vulnerable.
I would speak to your midwife and make sure that both of them are banned from coming in to the ward and whether she can arrange for a social worker to visit you pre birth to arrange supervised contact for your Ex, given the threats that he made about your mental health.

Don't be ashamed or blame yourself. It is the shitty behaviour of your ex and his mother that has resulted in your stress and worry. It is entirely their fault for being so vile to you. Your ex is a real bastard for saying what he said about court and your mental health, and he's wrong of course.

Is your dad able to be around for a couple of weeks after the birth to help protect you from any overbearing behaviour from these two?

I'm not surprised you're feeling awful, your world must be feeling turned upside down at a time you would hope to be happy, secure and settled.
Don't let him bully you.
You're doing just fine

Very good advice from @Categoric:

I would speak to your midwife and make sure that both of them are banned from coming in to the ward and whether she can arrange for a social worker to visit you pre birth to arrange supervised contact for your Ex, given the threats that he made about your mental health.

I got quite upset tonight because I called my dad to explain. He said just give them the cot it isn’t the end of the world.
I also asked my dad to come with me to a growth scan Monday- he said I should ask my ex.
I responded my ex knows I have a scan on Monday he should contact me - my dad said well two wrongs don’t make a right don’t cut my nose off bla bla.

I just feel defeated. My mum would fight my corner to the absolute death. She would never let anyone hurt me. And I know my dads personality is just different and he is so calm and so collected and he does see the good in everyone and hates confrontation

But all I want right now is my mum and a big hug and her to slag them off and make me smile

1. Don’t tell them when your section is
2. Take Categoric’s advice
3. Don’t tell them when you come home from hospital
4. ALWAYS have someone else with you when exP visits - someone who can advocate for you. If he or exMIL make unannounced visits - simply don’t open the door (get locks changed).

OP do you have any friends you can ask instead?

With your dad remember he's a father himself and as a good one he cannot believe someone like your ex wouldn't feel the same way about his daughter like he feels about you.

The scan is a medical appointment for you, not a show for the benefit of the other parent. Obviously if you wanted your ex there then that's up to you, but it is entirely up to you. I can see what your dad is trying to say but I think he's wrong about this specific thing.

For me, I'd give the cot back mainly because I'd no longer want the thing as it would be a constant reminder of how shitty the ex is being. I'd choose my own new cot, and leave the old cot in bits outside for collection. I'd get your dad to take it apart and put the new one up.

Just don't speak to her.

Don't answer texts, phone calls or any messages. Deal with your ex and tell him the cot is staying and that is the end of the matter.

You've got better things to worry about than the cot. She's being petty- try to rise above it.

oh op I'm sorry your mum isn't here. Do you have a best friend you could take to the scan?

Please if you don't want this man at your side after you have your baby please do not have him. He has no rights.
If he wants to help that is fair enough but someone already crowing about court? I don't see them being that supportive.
You can claim maintenance as long as you can prove he is the father.
I can see why others would say to keep him off the birth certificate especially with these threats.
I think your dad just doesn't want to step on any toes incase you guys get back together.

I know nothing will ever replace your own mum, but all the mumsnet mums on here are standing right behind you.

Your only priorities should be the new baby, your older child, and your own health. You really need to not care what your ex and other people think you should be doing to facilitate his relationship with the baby - a man who actually cared about his newborn would not walk out on the expectant mother, nor take back the cot.

The important relationships are those between you, your baby, and your older child. Your ex's feelings come a very long way down the list of priorities.

Please take the advice of posters above and ask your MW and HV to have a note put on your notes that EX is not to be allowed in to the ward before, during or after the birth- being the father gives him precisely zero rights, you are the patient and the baby is with you.

Do you have a supportive female friend or relative who can support you for the birth?

Your scan is a medical appointment for you. It isn't a cinema screening for crap ex-partners, and the stress he will put you under will leave you feeling worse. Either take a friend , or go alone.

Just wanted to say you sound brilliant and he is a mummy’s boy and an arse.

Do not let this odious woman and her dreadful little boy walk all over you.

If she is prepare to let herself down over a cot for her grandchild then she has a very screwed up moral compass.

If I were you I would try and maintain the ok relationship that you had/have with your ex. It’s his Mum who is asking for it back not him. I also don’t think his comments about having the baby stop over are that crazy. It’s the type of thing that people that haven’t actually had a baby say. Its not sensible but he probably didn’t think it through and is just thinking about how he can spend time with his new baby. I’m not saying it excuses his thoughtlessness but he might well be feeling terrified that you will cut him off from his child.

Wouldn’t it be better for all of you to at least try and work together and see how it goes. Surely it would be better for your child to have an involved Dad like their older sibling.

I don’t think the fact his Mother asked for the cot back should influence how you deal with your ex. He said he didn’t agree with it so I’m not sure why you are blaming him.
I get that the talk about court was pretty outrageous.

I don’t agree with the advice to leave your ex’s name off the birth certificate. You said that you were getting along ok with him and were glad of his support before his Mum asked for the cot. To leave his name off the birth certificate because of his mother’s behaviour seems vindictive and unfair on him and your child. (I know a lot of other posters will disagree with that)

A recent separation and a pregnancy, especially a high risk one is bound to mean that everyone is feeling very stressed and emotive. If I were you I’d keep things as calm and civil as possible. There is nothing stopping you having a rethink at a later date if you realize that it’s not going to be possible to work together.

Good luck. I hope everything works out for you.

He did also say he would do a lot better than me if we went to court as he has a good job and I’m just a mother with mental health issues.

@PartAnd it's not just the mother displaying poor behaviour, the ex is, too.

Go over your birth notes/plan and remove all references of your ex as a birthing partner. Also make a note that you don't want him there as he has made threats in the past.

When you go to hospital, your baby will be tagged with your surname. He cannot just walk out when her. Make it clear to your MW's that he is not to have access to you both.

I'd make a record of the threats he made about "baby being better off with him" etc and screenshot the texts in case you need to prove anything in court later. If they are acting like this now, heaven knows what they may try in future. These two seem positively deranged.

It's a shame about your ddad, OP. He clearly needs reminding that he should be in your corner regardless of what he thinks about your ex.

Well op, we’re not you mum but we’ll slag them of with you!
Fuck them! Cunts!
Give her the cot with bits missing.
Now

1. Choose a birthing partner - not ex as obviously he won’t look after yours or babies best interests.
2. Do not allow him to come with you to register the birth.
3. I would not facilitate any relationship with the baby and these people-including ex-whatsoever. If they treat you like this so far into your high risk pregnancy how will they treat baby? What will they say about you and you “mental health issues”?

Just because he’s baby’s dad doesn’t mean he’ll be good for child.
I know a lot of people will say take the high ground but I find that brings you nothing but heartache and problems.