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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Honest opinions- is it petty to take back a cot ?!

341 replies

Yelsgirl · 03/10/2018 08:05

So I’m 33 weeks pregnant
Partner walked out on me suddenly at 26 weeks
We had babies nursery all ready it’s gorgeous - ex partners mum bought the cot and she has now asked for it back so it can stay at her house.

What do people think of this ?
I’m shocked as I was under impression it was a gift for her grandchild.
I have offered to give her the money so I don’t have to have the stress of removing that one and getting a new one - but she wants that cot as it was on offer.
Unsure if I think this is ridiculous cause I’m hormonal or because it is ridiculous

OP posts:
gamerchick · 03/10/2018 14:57

It's not difficult to take your own child on holiday, regardless of their name. It's often helpful to carry the paperwork, or copies of it, but it's certainly not difficult.

Just because you've found it easy to get a letter of consent from a total bellend of an ex to take your different surnamed kids on holiday doesn't mean the rest of us have. Hmm

owabno · 03/10/2018 15:02

Just because you've found it easy to get a letter of consent from a total bellend of an ex to take your different surnamed kids on holiday doesn't mean the rest of us have.

Erm, where did I say that applied to me? I am still married to the father of my children.

The comment was made about a child having a different surname, not about letters of consent. That's an entirely different matter.

NotANotMan · 03/10/2018 15:18

Just because you've found it easy to get a letter of consent from a total bellend of an ex to take your different surnamed kids on holiday doesn't mean the rest of us have

That has nothing to do with the surname

The law is that everyone with PR in theory needs to consent to a child being taken out of the country. HOWEVER this law is ONLY applied where a person has actually made an application for an order to prevent the child leaving the country or if police or social services have raised child safeguarding alerts.

Border checks often ask for a copy of the birth certificate to prevent child trafficking but that's completely unrelated to whether you have consent from the father to travel or not.

JamAtkins · 03/10/2018 15:30

Petty as fuck

I would just message her back with some times she can collect it. I wouldn’t take it over as A- effort and B- it will be twisted into how you are so ungrateful that you chucked it into her front garden in bits.

Don’t enter into any passive aggressive fuckery on Facebook or anywhere else. If you do want to use Facebook to try and source another cot then hide your posts from them and ask if anyone has a cot going begging without any reference to you ex partner, ex mil or ex cot.

Inertia · 03/10/2018 15:33

I’d let her have it back. It’ll be a very big,expensive doorstop for her. The baby will not be alright to stay there after a couple of weeks. If you can, breastfeed so that contact is only with you there, and I would insist on that being public rather than in your home or his.

He is trying to threaten you with his court comments. Don’t bite.

I would not tell ex when you go into labour, you don’t want him or mil turning up at hospital. Only tell him about the birth once you have registered the baby, and as you are unmarried the baby will automatically have your name unless he is there. He is liable for maintenance payments regardless of name / parental responsibility.

Mil can collect the cot.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/10/2018 15:42

He did also say he would do a lot better than me if we went to court as he has a good job
Ahhh... poor deluded soul.
A good job has fuck all to do with being a good dad.
The fact he works full time will go against him - not for him!
He's a dick and he's not your friend.
Don't fall for his bullshit.

BewareOfDragons · 03/10/2018 16:16

Don't let him bully you.

Get legal advice.

If you're planning to breastfeed, you need to make it clear baby won't be away from you at all for quite some time, but he is welcome to visit for short periods of time if planned in advance.

I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate either if you can avoid it. And give the baby your name.

MaverickSnoopy · 03/10/2018 16:33

Another suggestion re the cot. Could you order and have delivered a new one exactly the same to her house and just sweetly say that you're not able to build a new one at this point in your pregnancy and that you also thought it would save her a job dismantling the one at your house. Failing that yes I would return the cot, not because she should have it back but because you're playing the long game now.

MissSpoke · 03/10/2018 16:35

There are issues with travelling abroad with your child if you have different surnames. Read it here:

www.stowefamilylaw.co.uk/blog/2018/06/19/is-your-surname-different-from-your-children-then-you-need-to-read-this-before-you-travel-abroad/

MissSpoke · 03/10/2018 16:36

From the above blog post:

"If you are not travelling with your child’s father I would always ensure that you can prove you have the father’s consent to you taking the child abroad."

That's where your exDP will be able to wield a big stick over you. Don't give him that opportunity!

owabno · 03/10/2018 16:38

Did you read your own link miss? That's not you quoted was a recommendation by a law firm, that's all.

owabno · 03/10/2018 16:39

*that bit you quoted

owabno · 03/10/2018 16:39

Oh, and having different surnames doesn't ha e anything to do with the consent laws.

ohfourfoxache · 03/10/2018 16:57

I’ve swung from thinking no, don’t give it back to actually thinking the opposite.

But get legal advice and keep a record of everything. He hasn’t got a hope in hell’s chance of getting custody btw

SistersOfPercy · 03/10/2018 17:30

What really jumps out at me from this thread is the bizarre vitriol towards the MIL

Bizarre? Really? A grown woman who's son has walked out on a pregnant woman actually having the audacity to want to deprive her Grandchild of a cot.
Might be just me, but if DS had done this I'd be bloody horrified and going out of my way to help the girl in any way I could not piling on the stress over a few bits of wood the child will probably only use for 2 years anyway.

bastardkitty · 03/10/2018 17:32

Why is she pregnant too? I think the choices are to ignore her or tell her to fuck off. Don't offer the money. Don't communicate with her. How dare they treat you like that?

MissSpoke · 03/10/2018 18:35

owabno a very highly regarded family law firm. Not good advice then?

Who do you suggest going to for advice?

Blackoutblinds · 03/10/2018 18:41

Whether they have the same or a different surname if you are travelling abroad in the absence of a court order for access (forget what it’s called now) you Need the permission of the other parent. Name has nothing t9 do with it.

NotANotMan · 03/10/2018 18:42

Whether they have the same or a different surname if you are travelling abroad in the absence of a court order for access (forget what it’s called now) you Need the permission of the other parent. Name has nothing t9 do with it

That is the letter of the law, yes, but in reality the law is only applied if there is a court order or a police safeguarding alert

Blackoutblinds · 03/10/2018 18:45

If there is a court order you can go out of the Uk for up to 28 days without the permission of the other parent. You’re wrong on that.

Thisreallyisafarce · 03/10/2018 18:50

Crikey. What a cow. I would say no, it is for the baby.

MulticolourMophead · 03/10/2018 18:55

NotANotMan

The baby needs to have a birth certificate that reflects her parentage- refusing to put him on is petty.

No, it isn't. At this point in time, the ex and his mum have shown the potential to cause serious problems for OP. If he's not on the BC, he doesn't have PR. He can be added later on if he pulls his finger out and co-parents properly.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 03/10/2018 19:07

You lot are so much more mature than I am. My first thought was, if you can afford another one, take the cot to a charity shop, then tell his mum 'thanks for the gift, but as it was mine to do what I pleased, I got rid of it, but thanks anyway'
No wonder my MIL doesn't like me!

longwayoff · 03/10/2018 19:13

Absolutely as pps have said. Tell her he wont be needing it at her house. Then give it back. Get advice. You don't need to register the birth with him present but that's not always the best way to go. I'm sorry you've found a sorry specimen of humanity to father your child, many of us do and realise late in the game. good luck, enjoy your baby.

YearOfYouRemember · 03/10/2018 19:14

Well the apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it?!Angry. He's trying to put you down saying you're just a mother with MH issues and she's telling you to give the cot back to have the baby stay out [wtf]