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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Honest opinions- is it petty to take back a cot ?!

341 replies

Yelsgirl · 03/10/2018 08:05

So I’m 33 weeks pregnant
Partner walked out on me suddenly at 26 weeks
We had babies nursery all ready it’s gorgeous - ex partners mum bought the cot and she has now asked for it back so it can stay at her house.

What do people think of this ?
I’m shocked as I was under impression it was a gift for her grandchild.
I have offered to give her the money so I don’t have to have the stress of removing that one and getting a new one - but she wants that cot as it was on offer.
Unsure if I think this is ridiculous cause I’m hormonal or because it is ridiculous

OP posts:
ParisProperty · 03/10/2018 13:38

Do tell your midwife about your situation. They will support you.
Agree with pp saying don't tell him or his mother when you go into labour, go and stay with your dad for a few weeks after the birth, and don't put your ex on the birth certificate.

And yes, give her the cot back.

You will be perfectly fine with a moses basket or similar for the first few weeks anyway, so don't worry about struggling with a new cot right now.

NotANotMan · 03/10/2018 13:46

The baby needs to have a birth certificate that reflects her parentage- refusing to put him on is petty.
However definitely don't give her his surname.
You still get to decide how contact goes. If he kidnaps her you might have to get an emergency court order to get her back but only you know how likely he is to do that. Most dads who bluster and bullshit like this have no intention of actually following through.

Hissy · 03/10/2018 13:46

You poor love, you have had some great advice

Just let her come and get it if she wants it, just stop discussing things with her - treat her like the toddler - reward the good only, ignore the bad.

DO NOT MOVE THE BED, DO NOT LIFT ANYTHING, NOT EVEN A FINGER

WRT the registration - you can ONLY name a father on the birth cert if you are married to him, or if he is physically there. If he's not with you, you can only put him on the certificate.

As far as I understand, whether he is or isn't on the cert, he still pays for maintenance.

I would strongly recommend that you name your child with your surname, regardless of if the father attends with you or not, he has walked out and you and your child are going to be the team going forward.

Hissy · 03/10/2018 13:47

If he's not with you, you can only put him on the certificate.

Sorry, gobbledegook! If he is not with you, you CANNOT put him on the certificate - even if you wanted to.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/10/2018 13:48

Yelsgirl - your ex is a grade A cunt for threatening you like that over court!
You being depressed and needing anti-depressants after your mother's suicide while you were pregnant does not make you, in any way, shape or form, an unfit mother. It makes you absolutely normal. It's a horrifying thing to have to go through at ANY stage in life, but while pregnant as well just adds to the trauma.

Please tell your MW that he has suggested this - she will, I'm sure, reassure you that he's talking out of his arse.

In fact, if you haven't already done so, tell your MW about the cot issue as well - and then tell her that you want MIL kept away from you and the baby while you're in hospital. She actually has no right to see you OR the baby once it's born - grandparents don't have ANY rights.

I'm so sorry you're going through this - but I'm so glad you have such good support from your Dad at least. Thanks

JacquesHammer · 03/10/2018 13:51

What really jumps out at me from this thread is the bizarre vitriol towards the MIL and little towards the son who walked out on his pregnant partner.

Yes. The MIL acted in an ill-advised fashion. The “evil”, “witch” posts are nonsensical.

We don’t KNOW why she asked for the cot. Maybe she panicked over seeing her grandchild. Maybe she is unpleasant. But suggesting OP responds to pettiness with more pettiness or comments around whether baby will be staying is foolish.

I would simply text her and say “really disappointed you want the cot back as I believed it was a present for the baby. However if you would like to come dismantle and collect please do”.

Don’t enter into protracted discussion, don’t give her headspace.

MemoryOfSleep · 03/10/2018 14:00

I'd send him the below link and tell him baby won't be stopping overnight for at least a couple of years. Don't let him bully you or make you dread anything op. At this point in time, you have all the cards. Given his behavior, I definitely would not put him on the birth certificate. He won't be liable to pay maintenance, but given how little that often is I don't feel it's worth it.

Also, 16% of UK adults are on antidepressants, so I doubt any court would hold it against you.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/news.virginia.edu/content/overnights-away-home-affect-children-s-attachments-study-shows%3famp

Biancadelriosback · 03/10/2018 14:04

Stay strong OP. Don't let him have the baby overnight, no matter what he threatens. Get legal advice and stay strong

TheNewbieStep · 03/10/2018 14:06

Let her have it, she will need collect it/ dismantle it - personally, not by her twatty DS.

What a cow x

Kidssendingmenuts · 03/10/2018 14:07

I'd be petty back and give her the cot but not the screws and fixings 😂😂.

But in all honesty no I wouldn't give her back to cot at all. She can go buy another one if she wants one at her house that much

fastfooder · 03/10/2018 14:10

I would let her come take it and make sure my baby never goes round her house (dad can come visit him at mine also she would not be welcome to my house or to my birth if she wants to be petty I can get even pettier) so she can just look at the empty cot and depress the fuck out of her!
Also he is a DICK

Spotsandstars · 03/10/2018 14:12

Don't be under the impression that baby's ok to leave you to go and stay there. The baby grew in you for 9 months, you are everything and will be for a very long time. No matter what they tell you don't agree to baby staying away from you, it's so important I can't stress it enough.
Give the cot back, they have both shown true colours, you have a more important human to care about now and that's what come first. Hugs x

Ceebs85 · 03/10/2018 14:17

Oh gosh what a horrible situation.

I'd say she can have it when baby first stays at hers but that for at least the first few months baby will be staying with you til a good routine is established and you're happy to let baby go overnight. It was given as a gift, she has no claim over it regardless of her son staying with her.

When you are comfortable for baby not to be with you overnight is entirely up to you. My daughter is 13months and we haven't had her stay anywhere yet.

Thatstheendofmytether · 03/10/2018 14:17

I can not believe that someone who has been a mother and knows what it is like to have a new born baby could be this cruel to an expecting mother and to tip it off it's her son who has bailed and left you alone. What a bitch. Give her the cot OP and tell them you will be EBF for the foreseeable future so baby will not be staying over night with them anytime soon. Don't put his name on the birth certificate, wait to see what type of father he will actually be.
What a pair of cruel bastards! How do they know the baby will be fine to stay away from you after a few weeks.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 03/10/2018 14:19

Thing is, despite her son’s shitty behaviour she IS a grandparent. As someone who didn’t know 3 out of four of my grandparents, I always felt I’d missed out.

It’s a sad, sad story. I’m not sure what I’d do. TBH, they sound like a rotten family so, possibly better off without them.

LuluJakey1 · 03/10/2018 14:21

I wouldn't do anything petty to the cot. Just text her to say she can have it back but you are upset because you thought she had given it as a present to the baby not to her son.

I wouldn't, however, give the baby his surname. You will make life difficult later on if the baby has a different surname to you. You are his/her mum, not married or together with the father and will bring the baby up yourself. He/she should feel that primary identity with you.

I also wouldn't allow the baby to stay over at his mum's. I'm sure my MIL would have liked DS to stay over regularly when he was a baby but it would not have been what we wanted and it didn't happen. You are not denying her son access but that does not mean the baby is staying over with his mum.

He sounds horrible. You deserve better.

UnicornSparkles1 · 03/10/2018 14:27

What nasty, bullying cunts. The pair of them.

Let them take the cot. Scuff it up nicely before it goes. Then block his mother. She is no longer your concern.

Follow the guidelines. Babies don't go for overnight contact. Let him go to court if he so wishes, they'll tell him the same thing.

SputnikBear · 03/10/2018 14:28

What really jumps out at me from this thread is the bizarre vitriol towards the MIL
OP said “I’m getting the constant ‘ the baby will be fine to stop out after a few weeks’”. So clearly she is being harassed by MIL who is insisting that the baby comes to stay with her despite it being completely inappropriate for a young baby to be separated from its mother. Not to mention trying to take away her own grandchild’s cot. MIL is being selfish and isn’t considering the baby’s needs at all. Hence the vitriol. The ex hasn’t covered himself in glory either but MIL is obviously a bitch.

number1wang · 03/10/2018 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Banana8080 · 03/10/2018 14:35

She’s assuming she’s having your baby over night. If she’s willing to do this to you, are you willing to let the baby sleep there? I wouldn’t. Regardless if dad is also there or not.

Iloveacurry · 03/10/2018 14:38

If I was you, let them have the cot (I wouldn’t want anything from someone like your MIL - she sounds awful) and buy your own one when the baby needs it. The baby will be in with you in a Moses basket for a while anyway. Also the baby won’t be staying over with them overnight for quite awhile, especially if you plan to breastfeed.

Boofay · 03/10/2018 14:39

I wouldn't be letting baby stay anywhere else other than at your until baby is much older. Offering the father to stay over is very gracious of you, providing you feel comfortable.
No court would allow a baby to stay away from their mother if they're breastfeeding.
My baby is four months old now and my MIL is desperate to have her over to stay - she keeps going on and on about to it my husband and I. Not a chance! Maybe when she's two, but not before then. She's not my PFB, she's baby number four!

ohreallyohreallyoh · 03/10/2018 14:41

The last name does make a difference nowadays as it can be difficult to take the child abroad if they have a different surname to you

I never used my married when when married and my children therefore have a different name to me. I have never had a problem travelling as I just carry birth certificates. It's not a problem at all.

Notwhoyouthink35 · 03/10/2018 14:43

Absolutely do not give it back. Do not put his name on the babies birth certificate either.

Tell her that the cot was a gift and it is extremely rude to request it back.

owabno · 03/10/2018 14:55

The last name does make a difference nowadays as it can be difficult to take the child abroad if they have a different surname to you

Standard Mumsnet crap.

It's not difficult to take your own child on holiday, regardless of their name. It's often helpful to carry the paperwork, or copies of it, but it's certainly not difficult.