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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Honest opinions- is it petty to take back a cot ?!

341 replies

Yelsgirl · 03/10/2018 08:05

So I’m 33 weeks pregnant
Partner walked out on me suddenly at 26 weeks
We had babies nursery all ready it’s gorgeous - ex partners mum bought the cot and she has now asked for it back so it can stay at her house.

What do people think of this ?
I’m shocked as I was under impression it was a gift for her grandchild.
I have offered to give her the money so I don’t have to have the stress of removing that one and getting a new one - but she wants that cot as it was on offer.
Unsure if I think this is ridiculous cause I’m hormonal or because it is ridiculous

OP posts:
SputnikBear · 03/10/2018 12:03

He did also say he would do a lot better than me if we went to court as he has a good job and I’m just a mother with mental health issues
He is already threatening to take your unborn child away from you. Don’t be under any illusions about him being your friend. If I were you I’d cut contact and let the court specify access. You’re the primary carer - how does he think he’ll care for a baby when he’s at work all day? They won’t remove a baby from its mother and give it to the grandmother to care for. Tell your Dad that he’s threatening you and get a solicitor.

Original poster
Yelsgirl · 03/10/2018 12:03

Weirdly the cot isn’t even an issue to me. It is but it isn’t. I think it’s the principle. I thought of these people as my family and thought I could rely on them and now I feel like a divide is being created. Like does his mum expect to still come visit baby at the hospital and at my home ? Things like this are what are confusing me. The cot is a massive inconvenience but I know it can be replaced wether I get a second hand one or save for next few months- I think it’s more the fact it represents I really am on my own.

OP posts:
LuvSmallDogs · 03/10/2018 12:05

They can have the damn cot, you can have your last name as the baby’s and leave him off the birth certificate.

I don’t think your ex was or is genuinely trying to improve your coparenting relationship, if he’s trying to frighten you with tales of how much better he would do than you in court. He’s obviously hoping to frighten you into doing whatever he wants rather than saying “fine, go to court then”. Don’t trust anything that comes out of his or his mother’s mouth.

MiggledyHiggins · 03/10/2018 12:06

She's nothing to you so don't even engage with her. Engaging with her gives her the illusion that she has some say in the life of the child so make it clear from the off she does not have that. Block her on all contact.

Talk to your Ex-p. Tell him that you got a message from his mother about wanting the cot so could he please organise to dismantle it and go halves on a replacement and assemble it for you.

How he reacts to this will determine the outcome. He may very well have no idea that his mother is shit stirring in this way and be furious. If so, that's as it should be and for him to put her in her place.

If, on the other hand, he's fine with her message to you and even agrees with it, you do need to have a serious think about whether or not he should go on the birth certificate or not because endorsing this pettiness through his own child does not bode well for future co-parenting.

A bad support network is often harder work than having no support network at all as they usually cause most of your woes. You can build a brilliant network of mums if you want - I always found other mums eager to make friends and support each other.

Doingreat · 03/10/2018 12:07

Don't let baby stay at his mum's at least for a year.

Don't give baby his surname if he's threatening to take you to court he isn't to be trusted AT ALL. Don't give him that power op. He exercised his power by choosing to leave. Now you have to makw the choices that are right for you and baby.

Uncreative · 03/10/2018 12:08

A bad support network is often harder work than having no support network at all as they usually cause most of your woes. You can build a brilliant network of mums if you want - I always found other mums eager to make friends and support each other.

This!

ilooovechristmas · 03/10/2018 12:10

Oh sweet! What a bag of shit, id simply take the cot down and let them have it, don't let her come into your home if she wants to take away from
Her grandchild she is just being petty because you have split up!! The baby will need a travel cot at most for his house she needs to get a grip! We are all here if you need a chat hun Thanks

Iv told my DH straight if he ever left he wouldn't get over nights with the baby or our daughter. The way I say it he has left the family home so he has to deal with his decision why should you lose time with your child because of his decision ?

SputnikBear · 03/10/2018 12:14

She's nothing to you so don't even engage with her.
This. Block her. All contact has to go through your ex and if she sees the baby it has to be in his time at his discretion.

abbsisspartacus · 03/10/2018 12:15

If he thinks for one minute that just because he has a job and lives with his mamma that makes him a better prospect for full custody he is in for a suprise

Santaclarita · 03/10/2018 12:15

Does she have a fb account?

If so post on her account saying 'sure come and take your grand child's cot away so they have nowhere to sleep, I can't take it down as still pregnant with your sons child and seeing as how he abandoned me I'm unable to do much by myself. I'm free at x time for you to come and collect it'. I would put that on his fb page too, but worded differently.

Don't give the baby his surname and potentially rethink putting his name on the certificate although he probably won't show at the hospital anyway. And don't let them have your child ever.

Doingreat · 03/10/2018 12:19

Don't put him down as the father on the birth certificate. He's a shit. And his mother is a cow. Don't trust them.

BlessYour2Sizes2SmallHeart · 03/10/2018 12:20

Don't put him on the birth certificate, he sounds like the kind of asshole who wouldn't pay maintenance out of spite and end up costing you more pursuing it so what's the point?

Mostly though don't put him on there because he threatened your rights as your baby's mother.

MH is only a factor in cases where the mother has hidden her MH issues which has then caused problems with raising the children. Or obvious things like it's preventing her from raising them properly and not taking care of herself either etc.

Just being on anti depressants isn't going to put him in a better position. Him abandoning you while your pregnant probably won't bode well for him though.

Oh and I wouldn't give the cot back to that spiteful bitch, too much stress and Pita. Block her number.

Cornishclio · 03/10/2018 12:22

Sorry OP for all this hassle which I am sure you really don't need. Good you have your Dad but is there anyone else, a friend or other relative who can support you in the early days? You obviously can cope as you have a little boy already (will your Dad or his dad have him when you go into hospital?).

Yes, your ex and his mum are being petty especially as you offered the money. I would be so enraged I would ask your Dad to put the cot outside the house and tell them to come and get it or tell them they need to take it apart and take it away. You don't need this hassle. At the same time point out you wont be letting the baby leave your side anyway for quite some time.

Many newborns wont' sleep in cots anyway in the early days. Neither of my granddaughters slept in theirs until they were 4 or 5 months old. A travel cot or bassinet or next to me crib were what they wanted to sleep in initially which you can easily put beside you in your bedroom. Lots available on facebook selling pages.

Save your energy for things that really matter.

MulticolourMophead · 03/10/2018 12:22

OP, ignore his references to court, it's a load of crap.

Antidepressants do not make someone a bad mother, and you sound very together. Your ex and his mum are in for a shock if they think they can dictate to you.

As far as registering goes, as you are unmarried, ex would need to be present at the appointment fir his name to be added to the certificate as father.

You can give your child any name you like whether or not he's there.

But for practical reasons, I'd register the birth alone and leave him off for now. He can be added later on if you agree. This way, he has to earn that PR. And given the way he and his mum are aCting, I'd not give him PR just yet. It'll just cause endless hassle as they'll think they can dictate.

CousinKrispy · 03/10/2018 12:22

He did also say he would do a lot better than me if we went to court as he has a good job and I’m just a mother with mental health issues.

Oh he did, did he. I think he is full of shit and has revealed his true colours. Please please get legal advice and, as others have said, surround yourselves with as many RELIABLE friends and family as you can--be totally open with them about what's going on, including this veiled threat from your ex partner.

Anyway if he's got such a fantastic job, what's he doing moving back in with his mum, grump.

Do you think your dad would be willing to take the cot apart and deliver it to your ex and his mother (and give them as cold a look as possible)? Can you afford a replacement cot or do you really need this one?

You sound strong and amazing. Sorry you are going through this.

Blackoutblinds · 03/10/2018 12:23

Can you use your 3 year olds cot for the baby? That would mean they can take their cot and shove it you know where.

Blackoutblinds · 03/10/2018 12:24

Don’t put anything on Facebook. Keep the moral high ground.

Phillipa12 · 03/10/2018 12:27

Your mental health issues have clearly not affected your ability to parent a preschooler, hold down a fulltime job and deal with a stressful pregnancy along with your grief. The man is talking out of his arse. From now on stick to email/text and try and show that you wish to be reasonable with access etc as if this gets silly a judge will see your efforts. Have you discussed maintenance yet? It might be worth starting that conversation sooner rather than later!

agedknees · 03/10/2018 12:28

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it.

What horrible people, mother and son. They deserve each other.

yumyumpoppycat · 03/10/2018 12:30

If babies were taken away from their mother's because they were on antidepressents there would be a lot of babies not with their mother's right now.

Rhiannon13 · 03/10/2018 12:30

Are you sure your ex knows about this?

She is being horribly mean and petty, but I'd let them take it on the grounds they dismantle it themselves.

Co-parenting can be really hard so I'd be very careful about picking your battles. They're in the wrong and there's no way they don't know that, so rise above it and keep control. Good luck!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/10/2018 12:32

I’d say: It was a gift for the baby and I am keeping where the baby will be sleeping. If you want to buy a travel cot for daytime naps at yours then that’s up to you.

Rhiannon13 · 03/10/2018 12:33

He did also say he would do a lot better than me if we went to court...

He's moved back in with his mum ffs. He is doing well isn't he?

areyoubeingserviced · 03/10/2018 12:34

Don’t trust him
Watch what you say to the ‘mummy’s boy’

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