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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Honest opinions- is it petty to take back a cot ?!

341 replies

Yelsgirl · 03/10/2018 08:05

So I’m 33 weeks pregnant
Partner walked out on me suddenly at 26 weeks
We had babies nursery all ready it’s gorgeous - ex partners mum bought the cot and she has now asked for it back so it can stay at her house.

What do people think of this ?
I’m shocked as I was under impression it was a gift for her grandchild.
I have offered to give her the money so I don’t have to have the stress of removing that one and getting a new one - but she wants that cot as it was on offer.
Unsure if I think this is ridiculous cause I’m hormonal or because it is ridiculous

OP posts:
Original poster
Yelsgirl · 03/10/2018 12:34

Yes my ex knows - when she contacted me I contacted him to say she’s asked for the cot ? He said he can see why she wants it cause she paid but he agrees with me that it would just be easier to give her the money. But it was from this discussion he proceeded to say they’ll need it for when baby stops- which prompted me to say we don’t know when that will be yet and he said she’ll be fine to after a few weeks which categorically fills me with dread.

Also- if baby didn’t have his last name/ birth certificate - does he still have to pay maintenance ?

OP posts:
Uncreative · 03/10/2018 12:38

I do think you should allow them to collect the cot. Firstly, if it ever comes to court, they will look nasty and petty and more concerned with themselves than the baby. And secondly, because they will see a big, white elephant every time they look at it when the baby doesn’t stop over every week.

Wrybread · 03/10/2018 12:40

OP he's saying these things as a threat to hold over you, to control you.

If you out his name on the birth certificate, then he gets PR. This means that if he takes the baby and doesn't return them then I'm not sure what you can easily do about it without getting the courts involved. If he doesn't have PR, your can get the police involved to fetch the baby back.

It's not that he's likely to kidnap them permanently (hopefully!) but that he or his mum may do it overnight to show that they can /assert their power. Without PR this would be illegal.

Also antidepressants don't mean he'll get to be the resident parent. You can show a good track record of being a responsible parent, and that you have already coped well as a working single mum. He can't. He has no track record of being a parent.

And courts don't like to separate babies from their primary carer. So please ignore his threats.

Well actually don't exactly ignore them. Look at how he's trying to manipulate and bully you into skiing what he wants. That tells you a lot about him.

Also many men threaten court but few actually go through with it because it takes effort and money. They rely on the threat of it being enough.

And look too, to the behaviour of your eldest dc's DF. Compare them. Remind yourself of what a healthy coparenting relationship looks like. And that your current exP is not being reasonable

Travis1 · 03/10/2018 12:41

Name is irrelevant when it comes to maintenance. As for 'he'll do better in court' well he's just a wankstain showing you how much better off you are without him.

Uncreative · 03/10/2018 12:42

I have been told (but have no experience of this) that you can still chase him for child support even though he isn’t named on the birth certificate. He never even needs to know that he isn’t on the birth certificate. You don’t have to tell him.

If you can, try to avoid arguing with him about the baby staying with him. I’m sure it wouldn’t be good for you. If he does press the issue or if you feel it needs to be finalised before the baby arrives, just say the recommendation is that he have short but regular visits to get to know the baby first.

Dontfeellikeamillenial · 03/10/2018 12:45

I've said it before and I'll say it again: you can't make it up.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/10/2018 12:45

Also- if baby didn’t have his last name/ birth certificate - does he still have to pay maintenance ?

Yes, whether he's named on the birth certificate or not, he still has to pay. You can give the baby whatever name you want. He's still obligated to support her.

Dont put him on the B/C. If can fight for that if he wishes. It'll be better if it goes through the legal channels. He's proven he cant be trusted.

greendale17 · 03/10/2018 12:46

Seek legal advice ASAP

Let them take the cot. You don’t want them to hold this over you. Also you need to come across as the sane one here. Don’t get drawn into arguments. Don’t engage with anyone but him.

Give baby your surname

MissSpoke · 03/10/2018 12:46

OP I had the same concern after exDH said I was an unfit mother after being on anti-depressants. I asked my GP and he said 25% of the population were or had been on anti depressants. The fact that you had sought and been given successful treatment demonstrates that you take parenting responsibilities very seriously. Does he have the money to take you to court? You're looking at about £30k all in, with solicitors bills etc. If he doesn't have that, he won't be doing it. Meanwhile tell him to stop harrassing and threatening you otherwise you'll report him to the police. Good luck OP. Awful for you. Flowers

Rhiannon13 · 03/10/2018 12:49

*Does she have a fb account?

If so post on her account saying 'sure come and take your grand child's cot away so they have nowhere to sleep, I can't take it down as still pregnant with your sons child and seeing as how he abandoned me I'm unable to do much by myself. I'm free at x time for you to come and collect it'. I would put that on his fb page too, but worded differently.*

Please DON'T do this. You don't need to bother losing your dignity when you're the one in the right and you have absolute control. There is no way you need to allow anyone else to get the impression you doubt your strength in this situation. You are the mother of this child and you call the shots.

Angiemum23 · 03/10/2018 12:51

Give her back but insist she comes to your house, dismantle it and take it away. Also have a new cot in the box in the nursery.
You dodged the bullet with that one.
Stay with your family after the birth and don't allow them to visit, say you want to bod before having visitors.

HollowTalk · 03/10/2018 12:52

Are you going to breast feed? Overnights will be impossible if so. He would do better having her for an hour a day than an overnight, but even an hour a day would be too much away from home at the beginning.

Moneypenny007 · 03/10/2018 13:02

Give it back but lose the screws!!

PrincessScarlett · 03/10/2018 13:07

Your ex and his mum are vile. He really has shown his true colours by mentioning court, your mental health and custody already. Do not let them bully you.

I think you need legal advice. A friend of mine had her husband leave when she was pregnant. He threatened her with court if she didn't allow access from very early on. She was scared of joint custody and believed his threats so let him have the baby every other weekend from around 4 months. 10 years later and the child still has serious attachment related issues and suffers with anxiety.

Jamiefraserskilt · 03/10/2018 13:08

It's a crap, hurtful situation but I would tell him to come and dismantle the thing, buy a new one.
His darling mother is an ear whisperer and will make you feel like an unfit mother just for being routinely tired and overwhelmed. Don't let their whispering make you feel unworthy.
I would be inclined not to tell them when you go into hospital but when you get home even if that means staying with your Dad for a while whilst you get into a routine.
This family need to earn a place in your joint lives. Sperm donor does not cut it.
Trust is the only way this will happen and this is not a good start.

TheBigFatMermaid · 03/10/2018 13:08

I think with this kind of fuckwittery this early on, I would let them have it, I would also decide he is not the father, even meaning no maintenance from him. Not sure it would be that reliable anyway, so best to to rely on it.

If you want to be more reasonable, then be determined to breastfeed. Then overnights cannot happen!

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 03/10/2018 13:09

Personally I wouldn’t want to look at the cot. Even if you keep it, it will always have negative emotions attached to it now.

I also think you should speak to a solicitor ASAP about what your rights are and how you should proceed. If only for your own peace of mind.

Hugs and Flowers OP, and wishing you a healthy rest of your pregnancy.

evianmountain · 03/10/2018 13:14

You poor thing. Whatever you do re the cot listen to PP and do not use his name on brith certificate.
What an arse. He will disappear no doubt eventually and it will be MIL clinging on for contact. You’ll know what to do then.

If it is possible to breastfeed, it is a very good ex blocker. Don’t let him bully you re he will do better in court. The mother almost always gets full access to begin with. It is very exceptional circumstances for that not to happen. With regards to the section I would see if someone can maybe stay with you or your dad so you don’t leave yourself more vulnerable to your ex comments.

I would not let him stay at yours ever, he’s already saying you have health problems and using them against you. You don’t need to add to his list of your ‘faults’
All the best OP Flowers

MiniCooperLover · 03/10/2018 13:15

To answer your original question yes it's beyond petty OP. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this but glad to hear you ha e your dad at least. The priority will be to get that baby registered as soon as you are able to go out after the birth. Be cautious of your ex-P trying to take the baby to be registered without you. Legally he shouldn't be able to as you aren't married but you never know: make sure your dad knows so he can look out for you while you're in hospital.

evianmountain · 03/10/2018 13:17

Oh and I also agree with not telling him about the birth until you feel fit to deal with second batch of their shit.

LongtimeLurker29 · 03/10/2018 13:20

Advise your midwives and health visitor of what he is saying to try and bully you into access even before the baby is born. They can record it in your notes if you ever need it for evidence. Emotional abuse is now illegal and if you have any doubts of this getting out of hand you should get it recorded sooner rather than later x

owabno · 03/10/2018 13:25

He never even needs to know that he isn’t on the birth certificate. You don’t have to tell him.

How stupid. Of course he will know.

AmIAWeed · 03/10/2018 13:26

I don't think I have ever read a post that has bothered me as much as this.
We are bought up in a world to believe family is more important than friends. Life experience has taught me this is NOT right. As one of my daughters friends said "Love runs thicker than blood"
It is horrible not to have your Mum at this time, but you do have your Dad who from your post sounds very sensible and level headed.

I wont tell you what to do with the cot, although my gut instinct is to tell them to collect it but I can tell you my experience of being on my own when I split with my kids Dad.
We had an 18 month old and I was 2 weeks off my due date with our second, he was abusive, violent on occasion and did nothing. I worked 30 hours 11-5 each day, did all household chores, got up with our son and I was exhausted.
Our son went to nursery twice a week in the afternoons, I woke my ex as I left with my son ready to go, he'd get up and walk him to nursery Tuesdays and Thursday. On Wednesdays his Mum would have our son all day, he only had to cope with Monday and Friday afternoons but claimed it was too stressful and that's why he was the way he was...when I left it was hard. Home was in his name so I was homeless, moved from bedsit, to hostel to refuge before being given a housing association house when my daughter was a week old.

He told me I was useless, I wouldn't cope without him
He and his Mum would take full custody
I believed him to start
My health visitor gave me a good talking to and helped immensely with my sanity and self belief.

It was hard, but so much easier than when we were together.
I was exhausted, 2 little ones, setting up a new home and back at work after 6 weeks as I couldn't afford to be off longer.
There were no arguments
My home was mine and safe
I knew there was only me to do everything and that made it easier than the resentment of knowing someone else should do it

I hid being homeless etc from my colleagues, only my boss knew - who was an awful gossip and did tell people when I was on mat leave. I have never felt so much love or gratitude from a few people who showed me just how much they cared. I was gifted a dining table, cutlery etc. When they were talking about what was on telly and I said I didn't have one, a colleague gave me a tv...when I thanked her but said I couldn't take it as I couldn't afford a tv license, everyone chipped in and bought one.
When people say love is thicker than blood THAT is what they mean, you will never be on your own if you ask for help. Be it friends, colleagues, your Dad or musnetters who have had a shitty time and will listen to you whatever time of day or night.
Please do not think you are alone

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 03/10/2018 13:30

I'd message back "Hi MiL, I am happy for you take the cot back although you will have to send Ex to dismantle it and bring it to you. As you may recall, my pregnancy is high risk and I am quite physically constrained so will not be able to take it down myself.

I must admit however that I am puzzled as to why you need the cot returned as I do not intend to let Baby Mysurnamenotyours be away from me overnight -or indeed any good amount of time- for at least eighteen months due to breastfeeding and guidelines on when a baby can be overnight without their primary carer. As previously indicated, I am happy to give you money towards a shorter term, storable option such as a travel cot if you feel this is a more appropriate option and would also like to remind you that ExP is welcome to use the pram etc bought for baby by my DF, so please don't worry too much about buying these items as Baby is generously provided for".

If she insists, can your dad take the cot down? And loose some screws in the process. I think my 3yo might "accidentally" deface it, too....

OutPinked · 03/10/2018 13:33

The last name does make a difference nowadays as it can be difficult to take the child abroad if they have a different surname to you.

I would give her it back missing screws as someone suggested Grin. She wants to be petty, you can be too. I’d just leave it out in your garden for her to collect and buy a new one instead of giving her anything for that one. She sounds like a total dick.