I'M BUSY

[Blue90]

I know a lot of people hate it when people say “I’m busy” or make a big thing of how booked up they are, but I’m not one of those people. I get so irritated when people ask me to do something that I don’t have the time be faffing with, and then they act like I’m being arsey/high maintenance when I say that I’m busy.

Here’s a recent example:
Mum: “Have you found a dress for X event yet?”
Me: “Yeah I have I just need to order from Debenhams”
Mum: “How much is delivery? It’s normally really expensive there. Why don’t you get the bus (40 min each way) into town to buy it”
Me: “No I’m going to order it, much easier, as I don’t have the time this week to go and get it from the store”
Mum:”It’ll only take a few hours, I can’t believe you’re THAT busy that you don’t have 2 hours spare.”

Que lots of other messages (e.g. “other people are far busier than you and they manage”) and comments in person about how busy I am, making a massive drama about the fact that I don’t want to get the bus into town and I’d rather order online. Basically turning something that I consider to be a non issue into an issue.

Does anyone else have conversations like this? When people just don’t get that you really do not have the time to do certain things, and make such a big deal out of it? I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall when I have conversations like this

AIBU to be really annoyed by conversations like this?
What do you do when you’re in a conversation like this?

I'd like to sit, doing nothing, on two 40 minute long bus rides.

YANBU. Definitely not. Get this from dm a lot. On top of having health issues, just the two school runs, after school clubs,shopping and house stuff is more than enough for me and everyday it's like this. If I get ten minutes I want to DO NOTHING. Get a lot of sulking if she asks to 'visit' on a particular day then she's told I'm doing xyz etc. She has no responsibilities or dependants so can do whatever she wants when she wants. Plus I have no time spare to sit there for hours making coffees doing idle chit chat. Telling me to leave the washing and instead of making family meals to ' just open a tin of something for them'. I've started saying how it is and now she's sulking even more . Sorry to blah

It's not an issue of time or busyness, it's your mum wanting you to do things her way. So respond with that in mind, and say 'I'm happy doing it this way'. Repeat a la broken record as many times as needed.

Bringincrazyback is right that older women were conditioned to save money even if that meant taking on heaps of extra work and even if it's not a long term saving. Between them my parents and STBXPIL can't see how I justify "wasting money" on things like deliveries, premade party food, car parking when I could pay a pound less and walk for half an hour to get to my location rather than park outside and be in and out in a few minutes etc. Decorating is another, they are all adamant that paying someone is wasteful when you could learn and then DIY. The fact that I can go out to work and return to a completed room and no stress is beside the point. I have known a lot of hardship but now I can afford to make my life a little easier I'm going to. It's not even about money always because in the above scenarios you end up paying travel costs to collect things, ingredients for the food, bus back to far off car park with whinging children, someone to complete/fix crap DIY etc. The savings are minimal. I think people are busier than they used to be in a sense of multitasking and rushing round. Previous generations worked hard but more in one location and with fewer deliverables and performance ratings.

DrCoconut Great post!

Yes to all of this.

When I pay for services, I also like to think that I am helping the world go round a bit too. Keeping other people in work. I type as a service from home, so it's all swings and roundabouts really.

Yeah there's deffo been a move towards doing things yourself the hard way not necessarily being the cheapest option, but people don't always get that. Making your own clothes is another one. There was some poor bashing thread a while ago asking why people don't do this. Because it's much more expensive than Primark and/or second hand!

Ask your mum why she is so invested in how you choose to spend your time and money.

I think the world has changed so much from when our mothers were the same age as us.

The best ways of doing things have changed too. Online shopping delivery charge is usually less than the travel costs/parking costs for collection plus you can spend the time involved doing something more productive or more enjoyable.

Similarly a PP has mentioned knitting and sewing your own clothes is no longer financially beneficial and is now an enjoyable and expensive hobby.

Maybe offer your Mum advice as to how you would overhaul her lifestyle choices!

You don't have to explain it though...if I'm asked why I don't physically shopping instead of online, I just say it's because I don't want to. Not that I don't have time...I just prefer to do it my way.

I bet you wish you'd told her you bought it from ASOS

OP, I usually invoke god: "If God wanted me to collect my own dress, she wouldn't have invented delivery men."

That normally shuts them up.

What I don’t get is why it even concerns this other person?! Unless she is expecting to cadge a lift off you - which hasn’t by the initial post been implied as far as I can see - why would she care and get her judgy pants on about how it gets done. It’s not like it affects her in any way whatsoever. Sounds to me she is just trying to make you feel bad. For what purpose who knows. Is she is a know-it-all-know-best type person in other situations?

Next time she says something like that just ask her why it matters so much to her

I don't think it's about your time and how busy you are; as others have said there can be a different attitude to saving money in my parents' gen (they are 60ish). They'll drive all over to different retail parks to find something a few pounds cheaper and will make sure something Buy it Now on eBay has free postage because of the "principle" that delivery is money for nothing. In her head she may be thinking it's a no brainer as the dress works out at £60 in store and £65 online!

I do agree that no-one is too busy to do a certain task if they really want to do it... Like when someone doesn't text back, it's not because they are too busy, it's because they can't be arsed. If someone can't come with you to a hospital appointment in 3 months time (so with 3 months notice,) it's probably not because they can't - it's because they don't want to.

That said, you are entitled to say no to anything you want to say no to, and to refuse to go anywhere or take anyone anywhere if you don't feel like it. Eg, someone asked me some months back if I could take them to a hospital appointment - one that was going to take the entire day, including getting there and back, and the potential 3-4 hours in there.

I said I can't because I have plans that day. 'What plans?' she asked. 'Well it's a bit personal.' I said (unable to think of anything!) 'Well I will change the date then' she said. 'Just let me know what days you AREN'T free in the next 2 months...'

The hospital was 40 miles away, and I actually ended up saying 'I am really sorry but I am actually scared of driving, and won't drive any further than 10 to 12 miles... (that distance encompasses my workplace, and my family and friends.)

Yeah I know, pathetic. I just find this woman REALLY high maintenance, and only OK in small doses (like a 5 minute chat once a fortnight!) and I did NOT want to spend (potentially) 8 hours with this woman. I would have gone out of my mind. It's bad enough waiting for hours on end at hospital with someone you actually like, and want to be with!

As a few posters have said, no-one has a right to tell you how you should be spending your time. If you have a day off, and want to spend it on netflix, and pissing about on mumsnet for 6 hours, and not spend those 6 hours doing stuff for others, that is your prerogative.

And regarding buying something online... why on earth WOULDN'T you, if it takes 2 minutes to do, but would take 2 hours if you went to the store?

I renewed my car tax online a few days ago. It took 2-3 minutes. If I had done it at the post office, it would have taken a MINIMUM of an hour including getting ready and waiting in the bloody queue, plus petrol, and wear and tear on the car. Why do that when I can do it online in a couple of minutes, without leaving my chair?!

@Undies1990

YANBU.

I always say I’m busy and no one ever pulls me on it!

They probably know by my personality that I wouldn’t really give a flying fig whether they disagree

I'm sure my mother thinks I'm avoiding her when she wants to go for a coffee at Starbucks - I only work 3 days a week, but this week on my days off I have 2 people coming to the house to quote for plumbing, and a hospital appointment to take DD to. So far today I have completed some end of year accounting, put out 2 loads of washing, washed up and tidied after breakfast, done the ironing from the weekend's washing, and paid bills/checked bank account. Currently having a sandwich and MNing whilst drinking my tea.

Don't get me wrong, I do meet up with her, but she doesn't seem to get that I can't just do it on my first free day of the week - I spend that day catching up on things. She thinks I spend my days off reading or watching TV like her - she doesn't have 3 kids and a husband, just herself, so obviously there is a lot less house stuff that she has to do!

If someone asked me to explain how I chose to spend my time and money to them they would be met with a Paddington hard stare.

Beyond rude and controlling.

I am always busy
busy pleasing myself doing my own thing in my own time

Same here Housemum.
Except mine says she understands I'm busy, but then when she can only visit us it's on a certain day at a certain time and when I answer with something happening on that day she stops contact for weeks. I suggest another time which tbh is also putting me out, she's otherwise busy at some social event. Used to come every week and pick kids up from school,spend a few hours here to see them, now it's not even every month. Every little task she has to do is blown way out of proportion. I've done an awful lot for her in the past and it's like she's reverting back to childhood which I do not have time for. I have my own family to look after now!

She stops contact for weeks if you don't go along with what she wants?
Sounds like a result to me 🤣

The problem with putting your foot down and actually reminding our dear mothers that we're extremely busy though is that they take offence ( mine does) then starts reminiscing and reciting all the walking / shopping / pushing prams up hills / cooking cleaning scrimping saving that they did when me and siblings were young . Theres no end to it. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

A few weeks after I went on maternity leave with DC1 I was asked by a former colleague if I would translate (free of charge) a 10,000 word report for them, as I 'was not working'. I'm not even a professional translator.

When I had my son as a single parent I went to work at 7 until 3 when I picked my son up from nursery and did my second job until 6pm. Then I'd have to fed and put him to bed. 5 days a week. At the weekend I had a proper work from home job taking 7-10 hours.

Literally no time.
Got loads more done than I do now with less hours and an independent teen.

Just tell her that you rang the store and they don't have your size in stock in the shop (which is pretty common for Debenhams) Tell her that they advised you to order it online.

I agree with those who say 'I make my own rules about how I spend my time'. And I'm an old lady.
My husband sometimes tries it on and I act deaf - which I am .