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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'M BUSY

195 replies

Blue90 · 02/10/2018 15:35

I know a lot of people hate it when people say “I’m busy” or make a big thing of how booked up they are, but I’m not one of those people. I get so irritated when people ask me to do something that I don’t have the time be faffing with, and then they act like I’m being arsey/high maintenance when I say that I’m busy.

Here’s a recent example:
Mum: “Have you found a dress for X event yet?”
Me: “Yeah I have I just need to order from Debenhams”
Mum: “How much is delivery? It’s normally really expensive there. Why don’t you get the bus (40 min each way) into town to buy it”
Me: “No I’m going to order it, much easier, as I don’t have the time this week to go and get it from the store”
Mum:”It’ll only take a few hours, I can’t believe you’re THAT busy that you don’t have 2 hours spare.”

Que lots of other messages (e.g. “other people are far busier than you and they manage”) and comments in person about how busy I am, making a massive drama about the fact that I don’t want to get the bus into town and I’d rather order online. Basically turning something that I consider to be a non issue into an issue.

Does anyone else have conversations like this? When people just don’t get that you really do not have the time to do certain things, and make such a big deal out of it? I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall when I have conversations like this

AIBU to be really annoyed by conversations like this?
What do you do when you’re in a conversation like this?

OP posts:
dorisdog · 02/10/2018 17:31

Oh I get this a lot, but more subtly. It's more of a 'you really shouldn't rush around so much.' 'You really shouldn't work so hard.' It usually coincides with me having to do my (paid) work or academic study. The family member in question would be quite happy for me to rush around doing domestic, home based work until I drop. It's the work that actually fulfils me they seem concerned about me reducing.

MiddleClassProblem · 02/10/2018 17:37

I don’t get it. Is Beyoncé the busiest person in the world and the high bar barometer?

I’m sure there are some people on here working several jobs and doing all the normal chores and looking after their families too. I’m not sure how we find out who is the busiest person in the world? Is is someone who has to walk 3 hours to work a day in a third world country vs Chuck Norris?

I wonder what Beyoncé is doing right now?

Missingstreetlife · 02/10/2018 17:41

Your time, your money, your dress, your choice
Why the moral high ground? One choice is not better than another just what suits you

shearwater · 02/10/2018 17:45

I'd say "Well, clearly it's about priorities. I could make time to spend two hours of my life going to Debenhams, but there is clearly a much easier alternative. Why make life harder than it needs to be?"

Armi · 02/10/2018 18:02

Might be worth pointing out that it’s alright for old people with their heavily subsidised free bus passes, early retirement and lavish final salary pension plans to go gadding about for hours on a wild odyssey to Debenhams, but we working folk have to pay a fortune for public transport and are in work, paying into the pension coffers.

PositivelyPERF · 02/10/2018 18:03

Oh get stuffed, with your ageist bullshit.

Cornishclio · 02/10/2018 18:08

Actually I find that the people who claim to be busy are either saying they don't really care about the thing they are being asked to do or other things are more important to them. Lack of prioritisation skills and just generally being disorganised are usually behind the claims. Personally with a dress I would rather try it on in a shop rather than spend hours trawling online then wait two or three days, find it is delivered when I am out so that means a trip to the post office only to find I don't like it.

drquin · 02/10/2018 18:11

Cut the conversation off at the pass with a positive statement. You prefer online delivery, it'll arrive on a certain day / time that suits you, free / cheap delivery is cheaper than bus fare / parking, you fancy the Hermes courier etc

Otherwise it's a whole rabbit warren about justifying your busy-ness, and how worthy or not whatever you plan spending your time is. Ultimately it is a prioritisation..... in that it's a perfectly reasonable option to go in to the shop. Whether it's more or less expensive is prioritising your cash, whether it takes more or less time is prioritising what you can do in that time, whether your "free" time co-incides with when Debenhams is open is a prioritisation of everything else you do in their opening hours. But ultimately it doesn't matter. Your life, your time & money. Just don't let the conversation develop.

(I'm talking from similar experience in that I'm working part-time at the moment, following some time off. Certain people almost make me feel like I have to justify what I'm not doing in my "spare" time. Some folk don't consider catching up on box-sets as worthy ...... odd people 😂)

LordOfTheFleas · 02/10/2018 18:11

I much prefer to go to the shop and try things on but I rarely do as the bus is way more expensive than delivery charges where I live.

ThistleAmore · 02/10/2018 18:14

It's the 'buying time' argument.

When I say I have a cleaner, people say, 'Oh, I don't know how you can afford that, I just clean' - meh.

I'm not a redonkulously high earner, it's just that I have decided that I would rather, as somebody in a full-time job that eats up 40-50 hours a week of my time on this planet, 'buy back' two or three hours of the time that I would otherwise spend cleaning. I see it as an investment.

Same for online shopping, electronic payments etc. I'd rather have the time than the money, if money is what it takes to get the time.

Armi · 02/10/2018 18:15

Get stuffed yourself, PERF.

Have a nice evening.

BlueJava · 02/10/2018 18:16

My mum says the same as yours OP. However, I don't respond in the same way. I just let her rattle on and if she stops for me to answer I give a "hmm" or a "yeah" or "yeah maybe". I have no idea what to say to her so she can fill in a whole conversation on some occasions just by telling me what to do :)

Lookingforadvice123 · 02/10/2018 18:20

I think people always think they're "busy", as our perspective of "busy-ness" changes all the time.

I work 32 hours a week, 4 days, have 1 x DC (and another on the way), my drive to work is half hour each way so I'm out of the house for about 9.5 hours a day. I'm busy. But I'm less busy than say someone with two children or who works full time! Or someone with an elderly relative to care for.

What annoys me is when people go on about how busy they are, when they're really not. It's about self-importance.

OP I would've ordered the dress too. I love shopping but sadly it's a pre-child luxury, or a one off organised event. Online makes everything so much easier!

TheProvincialLady · 02/10/2018 18:25

Your mum doesn’t sound very nice if she keeps badgering you over something that doesn’t concern her whatsoever.

I would deploy “Why does this matter to you so much Mum” and “I’m quite happy running my own life thanks Mum, you don’t have to approve each and every choice I make.”

Mascarponeandwine · 02/10/2018 18:27

“Busy” is relative to each individual too. My parent would call a visit to B&Q followed by the grocery shop a busy day, when they’ve left the house at 10 and got back at 1pm.

My MIL didn’t understand that we had a lack of time (thought it was bad planning) until she stayed when DC1 was 6 months old, and witnessed me leaving at 5am to do a work day trip to Europe, returning at 7pm to immediately start bath and bed. She’s never mentioned it since.

And don’t forget when you’ve worked a full week while juggling nursery preschool and school, then when it comes to Friday night “why can’t you come out you’re not doing anything else”. Because I’m knackered that’s why. But that just doesn’t seem to be an accepted reason!

SoupDragon · 02/10/2018 18:34

Might be worth pointing out that it’s alright for old people with their heavily subsidised free bus passes, early retirement and lavish final salary pension plans to go gadding about for hours on a wild odyssey to Debenhams, but we working folk have to pay a fortune for public transport and are in work, paying into the pension coffers.

And you managed to make all that up from the OP’s posts. Amazing.

crosser62 · 02/10/2018 18:34

Yes I do remember my mil telling me she had had a busy day as she had walked her dog (10 minutes on the park) and had been to the post office that day, it definitely is relative to the individual.
My 60 hour working week with 2 kids, after school activities and a house to run would blow my mil's mind!

bridgetreilly · 02/10/2018 18:37

The correct answer to 'I don't believe you're THAT busy' is 'Okay.' It doesn't really matter what she believes. You just order the dress online without a discussion.

CastleFeck · 02/10/2018 19:57

Tell your mum to mind her own business. You’re not 9.

brizzledrizzle · 02/10/2018 20:59

But if it's important you'll make the time?

harrietthehare · 02/10/2018 21:03

I just cringe when people say they're 'busy'. We're all busy - to me it means some one who is not particularly organised and is not effective at time management. When people say 'busy' as an excuse, it really doesn't put them in a good light.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 02/10/2018 21:33

Some peoples lives are very busy. Work loads vary. Not everyone can live close to their work and some people have elderly relatives or other dependants that need caring for. However organised and good at time management is someone is - there are only 24 hours a day.
.

EffYouSeeKaye · 02/10/2018 21:42

Amazing Beyoncé row derailment Grin

Lindah1 · 02/10/2018 21:47

Slightly off topic but if you get a Debenhams credit card you get free delivery Smile

PinguDance · 02/10/2018 22:00

I used to be a PA to a very successful doctor man who worked loads, did lots of high brow London cultural stuff and played squash and found the time to watch loads of box sets - I always wondered how he managed this until I realised -HANG ON, I am doing ALL his life admin, which was full time job! Life admin is so time consuming. He had a housekeeper/cleaner so didn't clean, ate out a lot or his wife did all his shopping so he didn't shop, although he did like cooking.
Anyway my point is 'time management' is not going to cut it for a lot of people - you outsource stuff like deliveries cos you probably ARE busy if you do a job and life admin by yourself.